DUBIOUS (3 page)

“
If I am fucking my dogs, at least I don’t have to worry about them running their motherfucking mouths all the time yapping about nothing.” I walked toward the door and opened it, but I wasn’t finished yet. “And another thing, you should stick to them rubber dicks you keep in your dresser drawer, you can manipulate them!” Without missing a beat, I walked through the door, slamming it on my way out.

* * *

Remorse and regret rode with me as I drove back to the kennel. I knew that I had went too far, but once the wheels were in motion, I could not stop myself. My grandmother used to say that a hit dog hollers the loudest, and, true to form, I had sung like a little bitch.

CHAPTER 3

I plopped down on the sofa next to my best friend Kenya and tucked my feet beneath me. “Serves the son of a bitch right! For thirteen years I struggled to keep this household together. I scrimped and saved to put his needs before my own, and this is the thanks that I get? I can’t believe I put up with his whinning, sorry ass. But I tell you what … I’m gonna be that silly bitch he calls me. I’ll be the one laughing in the end because he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.”

“
Felicia, be serious. What are you going to do with all those damn dogs?” Kenya said.

“
It doesn’t matter what I do with them as long as he doesn’t get to keep them.” It had been four solid weeks since Randy had walked out on me.

Hell, you don’t even like dogs.”

“
I don’t know if I like ’em or not, but I’m keeping them. It’s the principal.”

“
I can understand that, but what good will it do? You’re already overworked as it is. How are you going to run a business that you know nothing about and still maintain things at your own job?” She finished her drink, leaving a lipstick print on the glass.

“
What, do you think I’m stupid? How hard can it be to manage a kennel?”

“
Felicia, I know you’re hurting but you’re talking crazy.”

Something inside of me shut down as I tuned out Kenya’s words. How could she possibly have understood how I felt? She had never been married and obviously had no clue of how much time, love, and money I’d invested in a life that seemingly went up in smoke overnight.
How can I explain to her how hopeless I feel and get her to understand my grief? Who the hell made her an expert on pain? I didn’t invite her over to argue or try to be the voice of reason. I don’t want to hear that shit.

I debated on whether to ask her to leave or to just kick her ass. The urge to hit her was overwhelming, but I settled on biting her with words instead. “Oh, so now you’ve got all the answers,
Dr. Phil
?”

She ignored my sarcasm and continued speaking as if I hadn’t said a word. “Why don’t you just give Randy the business, charge him a hefty rental fee, and a percentage of the profits? He can make monthly payments to you until it’s paid for.”

“
Give? You want me to
give
him the business? You have bumped your head. I’ll burn the bitch down before I give that man anything else I’ve worked for. He rode my gravy train too long. It’s time for the motherfucker to walk on his own two feet.”

“
You know you don’t really mean that. It’s just your anger talking.”

“
The hell if I don’t. Kenya, if you had been here and heard the way he was talking to me, you would feel the same way, too. He acted as if I owed him something.”

“
Girl, he is angry too. This is the first time you’ve told him no, and he doesn’t know how to handle it.”

“
Well, I’ll bet he’s figuring it out now.” My legs started falling to sleep so I stretched them to get the circulation going again.

“
He’ll come around.”

“
You seem to be missing something here. I’m the one that’s hurting. I didn’t fuck up our marriage—he’s the one that walked out.” I thought back to the day Randy and I had fallen out.

“
But you told him to.”

It took me a few seconds to digest that remark. Yes, I had told him to let the doorknob hit him where the good Lord split him, but I didn’t mean it. I just wanted him to know that I was tired of being his doormat. “Hell, he has never listened to shit I’ve said over the last thirteen years, so why all of a sudden does he start following directions now?”

Kenya and I both burst out laughing. Although I wasn’t trying to be funny, it was. Men pick the damnest times to pay attention.

“
You’ll change your mind once you’ve had a chance to calm down.” Kenya started packing her curling irons, putting them in her bag, dismissing me and my problems.

“
What part of this conversation did you not understand? You’re obviously confusing me with someone who gives a damn what Randy does with the rest of his fucking life. Do I need to use sign language to make you understand?” I waved my fingers around in her face but she ignored me, which only made me madder.

“
I hear what you’re saying, but you can’t just jump into a business you know nothing about. Do you even know how to take care of a dog?” she said.

“
No, but how hard can it be? Open a can of food, clean up the shit. Come on, it’s not rocket science.” I was on my feet and pacing.

“
You, cleaning up shit? I’d like to see that.” She started laughing.

Any other time I might have chuckled too, but not tonight. “Well, I might not do that part, but I can damn sure open a can. Maybe I’ll hire a few kids to come in every day to clean the cages.” I felt her eyes on me.

“
Felicia, it’s more to running a kennel and you know it. You don’t know what you’re doing and that’s the bottom line. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” She watched me do a lap around the coffee table. “Would you sit down somewhere?”

“
Humph.” I glared at her.
She can take her opinions and stuff them so far up her ass that they come out her mouth
. I helped her pack her shit. She wasn’t moving fast enough for me.

“
How many dogs does Randy have?”

“
Uh …” I truly had no clue.

“
See, you don’t know Jack. Look, do yourself a favor and don’t make any rash decisions. If it makes you feel better by baring Randy from the kennel, fine, do that. But don’t fire the entire staff until you know how you’re going to run the business.”

I stopped wearing a hole in the floor and looked at her. Her suggestion made sense even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I was allowing my emotions to cloud my judgment. “Okay, I’ll leave things as they are for now and let Randy’s staff continue to care for the dogs. Later on, when the dust settles, I’ll find someone to take over the day-to-day operations.”

“
Now you’re talking like the good businesswoman that I know you are. But I still think you should give Randy the business and go on with your life. For Randy, this is his passion. No one will feel for it the same way that he does.”

“
Kenya, I love you and I value your opinion, but I’ll be damned if I am going to allow Randy to screw me again.” I sat down again and settled into my spot.

“
You keep trying to personalize this. I don’t believe Randy meant to hurt you.”

“
You’d personalize it, too, if your husband fought more to keep a damn kennel than he did for your marriage.” Now she’d really gotten on my nerves. I swear I couldn’t wait until she got her ass off my sofa and left. I was getting mixed vibes from her and it was making me uncomfortable. On one hand she acted like she understood my pain but on the other hand, she seemed like she was empathizing with Randy.

“
Yeah, I see your point, but I still think you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.”

“
How do you figure? I get the house, the car, and his precious kennel. He gets to leave with exactly what he came into the marriage with—nothing.” I was trying to act as if I didn’t care, but my delivery was weak and I was doing a piss-poor job of covering the pain that I was feeling.

“
Damn, girl, this cold veneer does not become you.” She twitched the corner of her mouth and rolled her eyes.

“
Cold, hell. If my husband had contributed to our marriage, we would’ve been living on easy street right about now. I endured law school, not because the books were interesting to read but because I wanted better for me and my family. I supported that grown-ass man so he could get his accounting degree, which would have sealed the deal to life on easy street but no, he threw away the education, money, and our future to be a damn dog breeder!”

She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. I could tell she was choosing her words carefully by the intense expression on her face.

“
Yeah, it was kind of sudden . . . Did he always like dogs?”

“
Kenya, I’ve known this man since grade school. He didn’t have a pet fish, let alone a dog. I don’t know where he came up with this bullshit. He just walked in one day and announced that he wanted to buy a kennel. I thought he was joking so I started laughing. He said he knew I wouldn’t support his dreams because I was selfishly living mine and holding it over his head. He used that reverse psychology on me and my ass bought it hook, line, and sinker. He had me doling out money hand over fist until I had financed the whole thing. He wanted to take out a loan, but I didn’t want him to have to pay interest. Dumb me.” I really want to pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare to find Randy curled up beside me.

“
Yeah, I can see how you could feel this way.”

“
But I didn’t trip on that because I thought the nigga had a plan. I was supportive until he all but demanded that I put a second mortgage on my house.”

“
Wait, hold up. He asked you to take out a second mortgage?”

“
Yep, he wanted to open up a grooming salon/Doggy Day Care. See the kennel is for breeding dogs, but he wanted to open the other business to take care of the dogs when their owners go out of town or some shit like that. I thought he was joking so I said, yeah right. When I realized he was serious as a heart attack, I said hell to the no.”

“
Uhn, uhn, uhm.” She shook her head, finally understanding where I was coming from.

“
Shit hit the fan when he had the nerve to say that if I didn’t do it, he would leave me. Now ain’t that a bitch?”

“
So that’s when you told him to leave?”

“
Yeah, I told him to get to stepping. Let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you. Make like an egg and beat it,” I lied. In truth, I was too stunned to say anything when he’d said he was leaving me.

“
Damn. What the hell was he thinking? He must have really bumped his head.”

“
That’s putting it mildly. You should’ve heard him flip the script on me. He said, I was gonna miss him when he’s gone. He said, ain’t nobody gonna put up with my evil ass, yada yada yada. That breakup song by Beyonce started to play in my mind as I boxed up his stuff.”

“
Girl, please tell me you did not put his things to the left.”

“
I sure did, humming the whole time.” But in my heart I knew Randy was
Irreplaceable
.

“
You’re lucky he didn’t slap the shit out of you. Men are not feeling that song one bit.”

“
Like I give a flying fuck.”

“
Okay, I can see your point now. I’d be mad too now that I know all the details, but what are you going to do for sex or companionship?”

“
I’ve got all I need right upstairs: my rabbit, two bullets, and an endless supply of batteries. I can have an incredible orgasm without breaking a sweat and not have to worry if he got his. As far as companionship goes, I’ve got you.”

“
Oh, so you’ve got jokes. Who is going to keep you warm in the wintertime?”

“
I can roll up in an electric blanket and then I won’t have to worry about my rabbit stealing all the covers during the night.”

“
So you’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?”

I tried to keep up the façade like I had it all together but, brick by brick, it all came tumbling down. Tears I’d been holding back with anger in my heart, found a hole in my amour. They freely washed down my face. I could talk all the shit I wanted to, but the God’s honest truth was that I felt lost without my husband.

I didn’t know how to live without a man, even if he wasn’t supportive. Sobs racked my body. I didn’t even attempt to stop their flow. I allowed the tears to cleanse my soul as I sank to the floor. Kneeling down with my cheek pressed to the hardwood, I gave in to pain and suffering.

CHAPTER 4

Kenya helped me off the floor and back onto the sofa. She went into the kitchen and fixed us both a drink; for a while, all we did was drink in silence. The tears had stopped, but I still felt raw and vulnerable. I wasn’t used to sharing so much of myself, even with my best friend.

Although we’ve know each other for years, I don’t believe that I’d ever cried in front of her. Truth be told, I never had reason to. Kenya would share her woes about men with me, but my life with Randy was never a topic of discussion. Not because I was trying to hide my problems from my friend, it just seemed like her problems always took precedence. After all, I only had experience with one man and she had many.