Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (7 page)

Be sure to ask the doctor any questions you may have about any of the tests and what they’re for. At the sight of all these tests, you may begin to wonder what exactly is going on. You can bet if you’re feeling this way, your BMP might be doubly freaked out. It is
her
blood they’re taking, after all. The fact that the staff is probably processing the tests without much personality or enthusiasm doesn’t do much to put you at ease. This is where previewing what will happen during each doctor’s office visit and researching the purpose of each procedure comes in handy. If you’re properly prepared, you can put your BMP at ease about what’s going on. Then guess who looks like a big smoothie?

Another note here about the doctors you and your BMP will be visiting: Most obstetricians and midwives practice in groups, so even though she has “her” obstetrician, during her various appointments she’ll see different doctors in the group. This is done because whatever practitioner in the group happens to be on call at the time will be the one who delivers your brand-new child. The odds are in favor of the doctor or midwife you liked the least being the one who shows up that magical night. I wish you could gamble on these things; it would be easy money.

If your BMP’s obstetrician or midwife doesn’t practice in a group, he or she will still have a backup doctor that you and the mother of your child will want to meet before the delivery. You will want to make sure that there isn’t anything in your birth plan that is a problem for that person. You also want to give the backup some of the screening that brought you to your primary doctor. Make sure her attitudes toward certain procedures match up with yours and that you feel you can trust her. Chances are, the backup doc has similar attitudes to the primary doc, but it doesn’t hurt to ask a few questions.

You mean I might end up with more than one of these things?

Yes, it can happen, especially if you’re one of a growing number of people who use science to enhance your chances of getting pregnant. Using fertility drugs or the complicated process of IVF can lead to multiple babies at one time. Sometimes God just decides you’re bored and gives you more than one to keep you busy. Either way, get ready for at least twice the fun!

To anyone who’s having multiples, I can only advise a few things from my friends who have had this experience. First, when you get the news, stay positive, because she is scared too. Second, focus on the positive as much as possible, because having twins right off the bat is like taking doctoral-level courses in your first year of higher education. If you’re having triplets, go ahead and try to adopt two more so you can get a reality show.

This pregnancy thang is all about having a plan. You’ll plan three alternative routes to the hospital. You and your BMP will figure out a birth plan denoting what kind of drugs she’ll take (if any), where the birth will take place, and who is allowed to be present. So it only makes sense that you would formulate a plan for problems, as painful and scary as it is to do so.

The thought of something happening to your unborn child sparks panic in anyone. If something were to happen, you might have trouble thinking straight. So it’s best to prepare for this type of situation when you are calm, cool, and collected. Here is a list of recommended phone numbers to keep on hand. For redundancy, and in case your cell phone is dropped, run over, or swept out to sea, please keep a paper copy in your home, in her purse, and in your wallet.

1. In emergencies, dial 911; this is more of a reminder for when everyone freaks out and your brain locks up
   
2. Local emergency-room number
   
3. Your doctor’s number or after-hours answering service
   
4. Insurance information
   
5. Your BMP’s health information, including any allergies to medication
   
6. Family contact information
   

Along the pregnancy journey, there are many things that can crop up. Maybe there’s a miscarriage, and both you and your partner will need to heal. Time is the only thing that will have a dramatic impact on how miserable you feel. But if having children is important to you both, try to find the courage to try again. I know we did. Maybe you find out your child has a birth defect or some other issue. Notice that the word “problem” is not used here. I have met parents of children with autism or another condition who have boundless love for their children. I am not going to say it doesn’t require effort, or that there aren’t difficult times, but in my experience the love is always strong. For these issues there is no platitude or foolproof advice I can give. Hold each other tight and talk to each other, no matter how tough it gets.

• You will begin going to the doctor’s office on a regular basis. You’re going to feel like you’re there often enough to start paying rent. Don’t miss any of the appointments if you can help it; some pretty cool stuff takes place along the way.
  
• While I referenced your doctor, you may select other health-care-provider options, such as a midwife or doula.
  
• Your BMP will be undergoing more tests than an Olympic athlete. These are mostly to ensure that your child is developing safely.
  
• As difficult as it is to think about, make sure you have a plan in place just in case any emergencies arise. Keep your insurance information and the names and numbers of your provider around at all times.
  

The second trimester holds many joys in its ample bosom for you to enjoy. Its cups overflow with reasons to celebrate, like the halfway point of the pregnancy, some respite and stability for a time before the big event, and hopefully, a lessening of morning sickness.

For most of you, the worry of miscarriage will pass during this time. As for your BMP, get ready for some really visible changes. Although this is seen as the least-difficult trimester for many pregnant women, make sure you continue to offer support. Monthly doctor’s visits will continue up until week 20, and then they’ll pick up again to between every two to three weeks.

So this is a trimester to regroup and prepare yourself for the hectic third trimester that will be here before you know it.

As your BMP enters the second trimester, you begin to suspect she’s smuggling something beneath her shirt. You figure either the baby is really beginning to show or your woman is a drug mule for a Mexican cartel.

This is the trimester where the most growth and change occurs. Some good news that should help you stay strong is that sometime soon your BMP’s energy will be making a comeback (sort of like the 2004 Red Sox). Her trips to the restroom should start to decrease, so you’ll no longer be tempted to suggest an adult diaper for her when the two of you go out in public together. Unfortunately, constipation can become more common now.

On the plus side, her breast tenderness should be decreasing, and speaking of breasts, they should also be getting larger. So you see, there’s plenty of good news for both of you. Hey, tiger, it might even be time for you to get a closer look.

As you enter Part Deux, your BMP will begin to show a baby bump and to gain weight. The gain will probably be more than the Freshman 15, because she did stuff herself with a baby, after all. But she will have that proverbial glow associated with pregnancy. That glow idea isn’t just people being nice; the increased volume of blood during pregnancy often gives a pregnant woman’s cheeks a rosy glow.

You may get to hear two words men least like to hear. “Not tonight” is number two on our list, with “vaginal discharge” taking the top spot. If you want more information about this, please do your own research. Just know that it’s normal.

Here are some other common problems she’ll be dealing with during the second trimester:

In this second frame, she could end up dealing with a cruel case of heartburn. Historically, it can be triggered by, well, eating. Traditional heartburn-inducing foods will probably be off the menu for a while.

Lucky for you, you may have to deal with her snoring like a fat guy with allergies after a night of beer and wings. It’s a grin-and-bear-it phenomenon. Although you get to hear the snoring, hear the complaining, and run to the store for cravings, the only thing worse would be actually having all of those things happening to you. Earplugs may do the trick, although I don’t know how you hear the alarm to get up for work when your ears are full of earplugs.

I always thought sleeping in a different room didn’t feel right. I mean, you signed up for the position of daddy and everything that goes with it. So hang in there and realize this is just the beginning of about two years of the sleep-deprivation program. One day you’ll realize you officially qualify as a zombie, and the bandages for wrapping you from head to toe arrive on your doorstep in three to five business days.

Although recent research shows that “pregnancy brain” (aka “extreme memory loss brought on by growing a baby”) doesn’t exist, your BMP may have bouts of forgetfulness, whether it’s because she’s distracted by all that’s going on or because of the magical pregnancy hormones. It can be harmless, like forgetting to turn off the lights or flush the toilet, but with luck she won’t leave the car running when she gets home or leave the curling iron on and burn down the house. If these mental lapses get too bad, it may be time for you to leave for work after her, or hang a checklist by the door.

Around this time, your BMP could also begin to have trouble sleeping. Between having a human in her belly and the chemical imbalance the hormones cause, getting a good forty winks can be an issue. As with nonpregnant people, exercise can help your BMP sleep soundly. Late afternoon naps are not the best idea for her, and perhaps she should choose decaf for that after-dinner coffee. Caffeine or lengthy naps too close to her regular bedtime can cause her problems trying to get a sound night’s sleep. Common sense will win the day.

That being said, weekend naps are probably a good idea to let her body catch up on any sleep deficit she has and let her body work on that very long to-do list that comes with pregnancy.

Not only do the pregnancy hormones cause emotional swings you can’t prepare for, but your BMP can’t control or predict them. This puts you in a constant state of read-and-react. What sounds like a good idea at 11
A.M.
may not sound like such a great idea at 11:15
A.M.
We men need to stay ever vigilant, like Batman watching over Gotham City, in a state of constant readiness for our archrival, the evil and diabolical Hormone, to strike.