Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (9 page)

Make sure the helpful friend is cool. If she isn’t, maybe suggest that someone you trust “really had her heart set on doing our baby shower.” This person will kill you for volunteering them, but at least you will have an ally on the inside. Babies make some people do crazy things. Your seemingly normal friend may turn into an overly enthusiastic psycho who will host a themed baby shower such as “Eco-Friendly Baby” (pre-order the Prius).

If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself wrapped up in baby shower games, such as Guess Mom’s Tummy Size and What Flavor of Baby Food Is This? These disasters can get out of hand in a hurry, so don’t just zone out, or the next thing you know, your BMP will come up to you during the shower and tell you it’s time for you to put on the diaper and baby hat like you agreed. That’s what you get for mindlessly nodding yes when she talks to you during the game.

If your woman gives you a pass on the shower to go hang out with your buddies, buy her something nice. She’s a keeper.

Make no mistake, there’s nothing at this shower for you. You’ll have to be on good behavior, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get to have the big game on in the background. The silver lining is that you don’t have to pay for all this. In fact, this is an opportunity to get family and your buddies to pay for a bunch of stuff you’ll have to buy anyway. When registering, think like Machiavelli. You want to register for things that cost $50 and up. No bottles, no socks, nothing under $10. You can pay for that stuff yourself. Be ready with the “I don’t want other people dressing our child” excuse when your BMP wonders why you’re so hot on registering for that bouncy seat.

When registering, just know that every new mommy will need a diaper bag. It’s like a really big purse, with pockets for diaper-changing supplies instead of auxiliary makeup. Be ready for the wall of diaper bags. Every baby store has an entire wall dedicated to diaper bags with varying features. She’ll want to look at all of them. It may take upwards of two hours. You may begin to feel lightheaded and see dancing babies in the aisles. Don’t be frustrated when she ends up with the solid black one, possibly the first one she looked at. “I think you made a smart choice, you’ll be a great mother” always earns brownie points.

Once this shower is underway, be ready for the few guests who buy off-list. Apparently they found nothing suitable on your registry, thought everything was too expensive (you planned it this way), or decided they were just a little bit wiser about what you and your unborn child will need (which is especially funny if they don’t have children). Most likely, they waited until the last second and all of the best — or less expensive — items were gone, or the husband was feeling rebellious. Either way, don’t you dare sweat it. You’ll end up with a pretty good haul of gifts when the dust settles after the event. If gift opening begins to bore, just imagine having to buy all of this stuff yourself. That should help perk you up.

Step carefully and avoid stepping on any toes if a gift is something that you know right away won’t be used in your house. If Auntie Ethel gives you an old handcrafted oak crib, try not to blurt out “Firewood!” as you toss it aside because you just read an article labeling these types of cribs unsafe. She isn’t trying to hurt anyone, and when you see a gift horse, it’s not kind to look them in the mouth, much less kick their teeth in. No, whether the gift costs $250 or is something you know will not be used, give the same amount of thanks and move on. If Ethel comes for a visit and notices her crib is not in use, then politely inform her about the information you discovered, and let’s hope she understands.

Now we arrive at a less desirable destination. You’ve tried your best to research some important items for your new child. Once you achieved product enlightenment, you shrewdly registered for those items you really, really, did not want to shell out big bucks for, not from your own wallet. You withstood the baby shower itself. You may even have suffered through the tasting of various flavors of mush from tiny jars while wearing a diaper and a bib. What could possibly be worse?

The answer appears in the small print of commercials where the manufacturer lets you know, in the vaguest terms possible, that “some assembly is required.” What this really means is that the manufacturer hopes you can read advanced schematic drawings, are as bendable as an Olympic gymnast, and are extremely handy with an Allen wrench.

The best idea with a mountain of gifts in front of you needing assembly is to make sure all of them get done well in advance of Baby’s arrival. Once the baby makes an appearance, the premium you’ll place on sleep will make assembling these gifts difficult, to the point you’ll be mentally cursing the people who gave them to you. So whether you want to assemble two per week or pull an all-night assembly party, just make sure the deed gets done in time.

Oh, and about the car seat: a sampling of 619 car seat installs in Pennsylvania in 2008 showed that almost 80 percent of them were installed incorrectly or were not the proper size for the child sitting in them. This isn’t something you want to get wrong. Babies have limited strength, especially when considering the strength of their neck muscles versus the weight of their head, so make sure you get this right. Search the web for an event in your area on proper installation.

Stuff isn’t all your kid needs. He or she also needs a name. This can be problematic. I say that only because if you screw this up, your child is doomed for life. It never seems fair that the parents who bestow curses upon their children in the form of horrific names should get to roam the Earth penalty-free. If your last name sets you up for obvious naming infractions, you, as a caring parent, need to take the situation out of play and not tempt fate. Mr. and Mrs. McCrackin have no business naming their son Phillip. And why would a nice churchgoing couple like the Pitts name their son Harry? C’mon, people, don’t do these things to your kids.

No, I’m not talking about your internal debate on whether you’re going to require your child to refer to you as “P-Diddy” or “Big Papi.” I’m speaking of coming up with that perfect name for your child. Naming your child is a process that seems like it might be fun. In reality, it can be a trap-filled power struggle that you may not survive.

It starts with an innocent question like, “What names do you like?” This is the time to open the vault and break out your favorite name for a boy and a girl. You know, those names you think are really cool, that you’ve picked out over time but simply never told anyone about. After unveiling your favorite names for a boy or a girl, you sit back with a satisfied smile on your face, waiting for your BMP’s look of admiration at your naming brilliance. Sadly, the girls' names you like will be met with under-the-breath comments such as, “Sounds like a stripper name.” And the boys' names will get vetoed for reasons you never saw coming, such as, “It doesn’t have the right number of syllables.”

Baby-naming books only add to the confusion. After reading 500 or so names, you start talking yourself into names that really aren’t that great. I just found a website pushing the name Bridger really hard for a baby boy. On the off chance that it’s 2
A.M.
and you’ve been at it for hours, you may actually fall prey to some baby-naming book’s seductive argument for Bridger. When your BMP shoots it down, a fight ensues. So just be careful with overuse of naming resources and today’s anything-goes mentality. It’s a thin line between a cool new name and one that makes your kid the butt of many jokes.

A word of caution: never defend a name to the death just to assert your manhood. Your wife may eventually decide that if you feel that strongly about something involving your child, you should get your way, and you’ll have a son named Ellison because you watched the University of Louisville’s Never Nervous Pervis on ESPN Classic and decided to dig in your heels.

Beware the input of the family. Although they have fond memories of Aunt Beatrice and want your baby to carry the torch, you’ll take the fall when your daughter sets the record for most high-school dances attended without a date. Tell family members who want a say to write their suggestions down on paper and deposit them into a box. After your family has gone home and it’s just you and your BMP, break out a bottle of sparkling grape juice,
^*
mock them endlessly, and then deposit the box in the trash can or burn it.

You’ll be just fine with your version of “Thanks for your thoughts and input on naming our child. Your opinion is important to us.” The coast is now clear and you are free to return to playing the “I am NOT suggesting Charles just because I love Chuck Norris” game with your partner. Although
POW I, II
, and
III
were a pretty bad-ass movies.

Do not
try to sneak in a name that represents something funny to you but if your wife finds out, you’re dead. I know it’s tempting. You’re thinking that every time you see your child, you’ll get a little giggle. Names of old girlfriends, that stripper you thought you loved in college, and your online avatar are off-limits. I hate to be the one to drop a heavy load on you, but your child will grow up and you’ll end up feeling like a jerk.

Naming your child after a relative always sounds cool. But if you break out the family tree and find it full of Gertrudes and Harolds, then you have to give it up. Don’t try to get fancy with “We’ll call her Gert!” Her name has still preselected her to arrive solo at homecoming wearing Coke-bottle glasses. And don’t think you can solve that problem with the use-the-middle-name-as-the-first-name strategy. That just confuses everyone, including the kid, who won’t know what his monogram should really look like. Even if you aspire to be famous or simply rich, avoid the temptation to employ the celeb strategy of choosing confounding names. Apple doesn’t sound cool as a person’s name, even if your mother is Gwyneth Paltrow.

Now let’s look at some specific naming recommendations. Eligible persons worthy of naming your children after can include great musicians and artists. Some say politicians (but my objection is that there aren’t any great politicians). It’s preferable to wait until these potential name givers are deceased — or at least really, really, old. This is mainly because prominent people can do some really stupid things. Imagine if in the early 1990s, as a hardcore Democrat, you decided to name your bouncing baby boy after President Bill Clinton. He would be slightly limited in his dating options, as he could never date from the pool of women named Monica. I am quite conflicted about the more recent trend of naming Junior after a city, state, or territory. I am for Dakota Fanning and Brooklyn Decker. Thumbs up. I think I would be willing to explore naming my unborn son Rome. But I’m not sure about Montana, because it carries too much baggage.

The lists of top ten names by year are a ripe orchard of naming ideas. Let’s look at a sampling of the top ten from 2009 for boys and girls.

1. Isabella.
   It’s a lot of name for a little girl in my opinion. Shouldn’t Isabella be walking along the banks of the Seine? Perhaps on her way to eat escargots at a political rally for French workers to get more than their exploitive three months of vacation?
   
2. Emma.
   This reminds me of a plucky young teen with a can-do attitude. Perhaps I am just falling prey to the Emma Roberts hype machine.
   
3. Sophia.
   Again, this one seems a bit outsized for a cute little girl. Who can really follow in Sophia Loren’s footsteps? There’s nothing like putting on the pressure by forcing comparisons with Sophia Loren, who was once quoted as saying, “You have to be born a sex symbol. You don’t become one. If you’re born with it, you’ll have it even when you’re 100 years old.”
   
4. Abigail.
   I find this one kind of clunky, but it’s still pretty in the long run. Please do not shorten this to Gail. It’s a tough name to do really well with unless you are ridiculously pretty, personable, and humorous. Plus, if you read the name Abigail slowly enough, it turns into “A big Gail.” I think we all agree you can do better elsewhere.
   
5. Mia.
   If after much consideration you decide to name your daughter Mia, she’ll hopefully turn out to be more Mia Hamm (Gold-winning soccer player) than Mia Wallace (heroin-snorting Pulp vixen).
   

1. Alexander.
   Make his middle name The Great. How cool would that be? Alexander The Great Pfeiffer. This child is going places.
   
2. Joshua.
   If it’s good enough for U2 and their tree, then it’s fine with me.
   
3. Daniel.
   It’s a little too Karate Kid for me. Just make sure you make him paint the fence, sand the deck, and wax the car. Then at least he can kick the local bully’s ass and get the girl.
   
4. Noah.
   It is hard to go wrong with a Biblical name. It’s classic, and God-approved. When he reaches for an umbrella and packs your two Weimaraners into the car, make sure you stay close to him and get on the boat.
   
5. Anthony.
   Lots of famous people and characters to think about here. He could be Head of the Family someday. Of course, I mean starting his own family, not the stereotypical families in
   The Sopranos
   or
   Goodfellas
   .
   

While we’re visiting this area, let’s cover some names to avoid. I would skip this section, but every year I meet more and more people who can’t seem to get away from these awful names. Once ink dries on the birth certificate, then all of my sarcasm just seems mean. We know naming is subjective, but please consider that you may be dooming your child to a life of beatdowns and no lunch money.

1. Stanley.
   This sounds like your child will be a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a sad sack bald guy in a tweed coat. There is one and only one loophole here: if he becomes a hockey player, he can probably survive.
   
2. Jezebel.
   No less authority than the Bible has deemed that your little girl will become a harlot. Do you really want to lay this label on her just after she exits the womb?
   
3. Oprah.
   I don’t know if this one ever really picked up a lot of steam, but let’s face facts. We think of an affable woman with weight problems.
   
4. Henrietta.
   See Hippo, Hungry Hungry.
   
5. Bertha.
   Just bad. Golf-club maker Callaway callously named its largest club the Big Bertha. There weren’t even enough Bertha supporters around for a decent class-action lawsuit.