Authors: Rainbow Rowell
Shots had been fired for less.
As soon as he disappeared
from the window, she slipped off
the bed like that stupid cat and put
her bra and shoes on in the dark.
She was wearing a great big T-
shirt and a pair of her dad’s old
flannel pajama pants. Her coat was
in the living room, so she put on a
sweater.
Maisie
had
fallen
asleep
watching TV, so it was relatively
easy to climb over her empty bed
and out the window.
He’ll kick me out for real this
time, Eleanor thought, tiptoeing
across the porch. That would be
his best Christmas ever.
Park was waiting on the
school steps. Where they’d sat and
r ead
Watchmen
. As soon as he
saw her, he stood up and ran to
her. Like, actually
ran
.
He ran to her – and took her
face in both of his hands. And
then he was kissing her before she
could say no. And she was kissing
him back before she could remind
herself that she wasn’t ever going
to kiss anybody again, especially
not him, because look how
miserable it had made her.
She was crying, and so was
Park. When she put her hands on
his cheeks, they were wet.
And warm. He was so warm.
She bent her neck back and
kissed him like she never had
before. Like she wasn’t scared of
doing it wrong.
He pulled away to say he was
sorry, and she shook her head no,
because even though she really
did want him to be sorry, she
wanted to kiss him more.
‘I’m sorry, Eleanor.’ He held
her face against his. ‘I was wrong
about everything.
Everything
.’
‘I’m sorry, too,’ she said.
‘For what?’
‘For acting mad at you all the
time.’
‘It’s okay,’ he said, ‘sometimes
I like it.’
‘But not always.’
He shook his head.
‘I don’t even know why I do
it,’ she said.
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘I’m not sorry about getting
mad about Tina.’
He
pressed
his
forehead
against hers until it hurt. ‘Don’t
even say her name,’ he said.
‘She’s nothing and you’re …
everything. You’re everything,
Eleanor.’
He kissed her again, and she
opened her mouth.
They stayed outside until Park
couldn’t rub any warmth back into
her hands. Until her lips were
numb from cold and kissing.
He wanted to walk her back
home, but she told him that would
be suicidal.
‘Come see me tomorrow,’ he
said.
‘I can’t, it’s Christmas.’
‘The next day, then.’
‘The next day,’ she said.
‘And the day after that.’
She laughed. ‘I don’t think
your mom would like that. I don’t
think she likes me.’
‘You’re wrong,’ he said.
‘Come.’
Eleanor was climbing the front
steps when she heard him
whispering her name. She turned
back, but she couldn’t see him in
the shadows.
‘Merry Christmas,’ he said.
She smiled, but didn’t answer.
CHAPTER 33
Eleanor
Eleanor slept until noon on
Christmas Day. Until her mom
finally came in and told her to
wake up.
‘Are you okay?’ her mom
asked.
‘I’m asleep.’
‘You look like you’re getting a
cold.’
‘Does that mean I can go back
to sleep?’
‘I guess so. Look, Eleanor …’
her mother stepped away from the
door, and her voice dropped. ‘I’m
going to talk to Richie about this
summer. I think I can get him to
change his mind about that camp.’
Eleanor opened her eyes. ‘No.
No, I don’t want to go.’
‘But I thought you’d jump at
the chance to get out of here.’
‘No,’ Eleanor said, ‘I don’t
want to have to leave everybody
… again.’ Saying it made her feel
like one hundred percent jerk, but
she’d say anything to spend the
summer with Park. (And she
wasn’t even going to tell herself
that he’d probably be sick of her
by then.) ‘I want to stay home,’
she said.
Her mom nodded. ‘Okay,’ she
said, ‘then I won’t mention it. But
if you change your mind …’
‘I won’t,’ Eleanor said.
Her mom left the room, and
Eleanor pretended to go back to
sleep.
Park
He slept until noon on Christmas
Day, until Josh came in and
sprayed him with one of their
mom’s salon water bottles.
‘Dad says that if you don’t get
up, he’s going to let me have all
your presents.’
Park beat Josh back with a
pillow.
Everybody else was waiting
for him, and the whole house
smelled like turkey. His grandma
wanted him to open her present
first – a new ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish’
T-shirt. A size bigger than last
year’s, which meant it would be a
size too big.
His parents gave him a fifty-
dollar gift certificate to Drastic
Plastic, the punk-rock record store
downtown. (Park was surprised
that they’d think of that. And he
was surprised that DP sold gift
certificates. Not very punk.) He
also got two black sweaters he
might actually wear, some Avon
cologne in a bottle shaped like an
electric guitar, and an empty key
ring – which his dad made sure
everybody noticed.
Park’s sixteenth birthday had
come and gone, and he didn’t
even care anymore about getting
his license and driving himself to
school. He wasn’t going to give up
his only guaranteed time with
Eleanor.
She’d already told him that as
awesome as last night was – and
they both agreed it was awesome
– she couldn’t risk sneaking out
again.
‘Any one of my siblings could
have woken up, they still could,
and they would definitely tell on
me. They have very confused
allegiances.’
‘But if you’re quiet …’
That’s when she’d told him
that, most nights, she shared a
room with all of her brothers and
sisters.
All
of them. A room about
the size of his, she said, ‘minus the
waterbed.’
They were sitting against the
back door of the school, in a little
alcove where no one would see
them unless they were really
looking, and where the snow
didn’t fall directly on their faces.
They sat next to each other, facing
each other, holding hands.
There was nothing between
them now. Nothing stupid and
selfish just taking up space.
‘So you have two brothers and
two sisters?’
‘Three brothers, one sister.’
‘What are their names?’
‘Why?’
‘I’m just curious,’ he said. ‘Is
it classified?’
She sighed. ‘Ben, Maisie …’
‘Maisie?’
‘Yeah.
Then
Mouse
–
Jeremiah. He’s five. Then the
baby. Little Richie.’
Park laughed. ‘You call him
“Little Richie”?’
‘Well, his dad is Big Richie,
not that he’s very big either …’
‘I know, but like Little
Richard? “Tutti-Frutti”?’
‘Oh my God, I never thought
of that. Why haven’t I ever
thought of that?’
He pulled her hands to his
chest. He still hadn’t managed to
touch Eleanor anywhere below the
chin or above the elbow. He didn’t
think she’d necessarily stop him if
he tried, but what if she did?
That’d be awful. Anyway, her
hands and her face were excellent.
‘Do you guys get along?’
‘Sometimes … They’re all
crazy.’
‘How can a five-year-old be
crazy?’
‘Oh my God, Mouse? He’s the
craziest of them all. He’s always
got a hammer or a jackrabbit or
something stuck in his back
pocket, and he refuses to wear a
shirt.’
Park laughed. ‘How is Maisie
crazy?’
‘Well, she’s
mean
. For starters.
And she fights like a street person.
Like,
take-off-your-earrings
fights.’
‘How old is she?’
‘Eight. No, nine.’
‘What about Ben?’
‘Ben …’ She looked away.
‘You’ve seen Ben. He’s almost
Josh’s age. He needs a haircut.’
‘Does Richie hate them, too?’
Eleanor pushed Park’s hands
forward. ‘Why do you want to
talk about this?’
He pushed back. ‘
Because
. It’s
your life. Because I’m interested.
It’s like you’ve got all these weird
barriers set up, like you only want
me to have access to this tiny part
of you …’
‘Yes,’ she said, crossing her
arms. ‘Barriers. Caution tape. I’m
doing you a favor.’
‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘I can handle
it.’ He put his thumb between her
eyebrows and tried to smooth out
the frown. ‘This whole stupid
fight was about keeping secrets.’
‘Keeping secrets about your
demonic ex-girlfriend. I don’t
have any demonic ex-anythings.’
‘Does
Richie
hate
your
brothers and sister, too?’
‘Stop saying his name.’ She
was whispering.
‘I’m sorry.’ Park whispered
back.
‘He hates everybody, I think.’
‘Not your mom.’
‘Especially her.’
‘Is he mean to her?’
Eleanor rolled her eyes and
wiped her cheek with her sweater
sleeve. ‘Uh. Yeah.’
Park took her hands again.
‘Why doesn’t she leave?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t
think she can … I don’t think
there’s enough of her left.’
‘Is she scared of him?’ he
asked.
‘Yeah …’
‘Are you scared of him?’
‘Me?’
‘I know you’re scared of
getting kicked out, but are you
scared of him?’
‘No.’ She lifted up her chin.
‘No … I just have to lay low, you
know? Like as long as I stay out
of his way, I’m fine. I just have to
be invisible.’
Park smiled.
‘What?’ she asked.
‘You. Invisible.’
She smiled. He let go of her
hands and held her face. Her
cheeks were cold, and her eyes
were fathomless in the dark.
She was all he could see.
Eventually it was too cold to stay
out there. Even the insides of their
mouths were freezing.
Eleanor
Richie said Eleanor had to come
out of her room for Christmas
dinner. Fine. She really was
getting a cold, so at least it didn’t
seem like she’d been faking it all
day.
Dinner was awesome. Her
mom could really cook when she
had actual food to work with.
(Something other than legumes.)
They had turkey with stuffing, and
mashed potatoes swimming with
dill and butter. For dessert there
was rice pudding and pepper
cookies, which her mom only ever
made on Christmas.
At least that had been the rule
back when her mom used to make
all kinds of cookies, all year long.
The little kids didn’t know what
they were missing now. When
Eleanor and Ben were little, their
mom baked constantly. There
were always fresh cookies in the
kitchen when Eleanor got home
from school. And real breakfast
every morning … Eggs and bacon,
or pancakes and sausage, or
oatmeal with cream and brown
sugar.
Eleanor used to think that that
was why she was so fat. But look
at her now, she was starving all
the time, and she was still
enormous.
They all tore into Christmas
dinner like it was their last meal,
which it practically was, at least
for a while. Ben ate both of the
turkey legs, and Mouse ate an
entire plate of mashed potatoes.
Richie had been drinking all
day again, so he was all kinds of
festive at dinner – laughing too
much and too loud. But you
couldn’t enjoy the fact that he was
in a good mood, because it was