Eloisa James - Duchess by Night (35 page)

Oh, Jemma said, softly. Her hand paused for a moment, stroking Harriets hair. People always treat duchesses differently, she said. A duchess is the highest in the land. There are many men who would never even flirt with a duchess.

He didnt have to flirt with me, Harriet said, sitting upright again and wiping her nose. He just had to marry me! And then I wouldnt be a duchess anymore. Id be plain Lady Strange.

Maybe he wanted to but he couldnt imagine it, Jemma suggested.

He didnt love me enough. And you know? Im tired of people who dont love me enough, Harriet said, her voice rising. Im not so terribly second rate. Im real y not like Mother Goose. Il never be as beautiful as you, Jemma, but I am beautiful. I am. I look best in boys clothing, butbut he saw me in boys clothing. And I look real y good with no clothes at al !

Jemma chuckled. I believe you.

Im smart. Maybe not as smart as you Her voice stopped. Oh God, listen to me. I said it myself. You are beautiful and intel igent, and Im just good enough, and smart enough.

I real y dont have much intel igence, Jemma said matter-of-factly. I cant figure out much except chess, for example. And how far has that got me? I have won a lot of chess matches. And where am I because of it? The bitterness in Jemmas voice silenced Harriet for a moment.

Chess didnt stop my husband from having a mistress. Chess didnt stop me from ruining the prospect of our possible happiness by retaliating and bedding a man. Chess didnt make Elijah love me, or care what I was doing in France. Chess wont do anything. Her tone was fierce. Theres nothing special about a head for chess.

Harriet blew her nose.

Strange is a fool, Jemma said. You are wonderful y intel igent, and gorgeous clothed and unclothed, and you dont even play chesswhat more could a man want? You would have been loyal to him

I would kil him if he took a mistress, Harriet said fiercely. I started to think about him taking a lover on the way home and I almost turned around the carriage.

See what he gave up? Jemma said. The potential of being married to someone who loved him enough to become homicidal.

You have a broken heart but broken hearts do mend. You are free to find a man who knows exactly what a intel igent, beautiful person you are.

Harriet sniffed.

There didnt seem to be much more to say on the subject, so after a time they both retired to their rooms.

Harriet fel onto her bed and waited for a tide of misery to wash over herbut it didnt.

Instead she kept thinking that she deserved better. Anger made it too hard to lie stil , so she leapt to her feet and walked the room. She deserved someone to love her.

She wasnt second rate, she real y wasnt. Perhaps she was clumsy in panniers, but Jem didnt know that. What he knew was that she was nimble at fencing.

And perhaps she looked like a partridge in womens clothingbut again, he didnt know that. Hed seen her at her best. And she felt beautiful, those times when they made love. Even thinking about their afternoon in the barn made her feel a little tearyand very angry. What was he doing, throwing away something as precious as what they had?

She almost dissolved into tears, remembering the way he cupped her face, and said that hed make love to her in the stable on her eightieth birthday.

The crucial thing was that she had saidshe had actual y managed to say that she loved him. Shed begged him not to leave her.

And he had stil let her go.

That was the only thing that mattered, not how he felt about her being a duchess, or whether he thought she was a liar, or those other things he said.

It was like a cold knife, but it was also good. If shed had the time to beg Benjamin not to leave her, he would have done so anyway. She knew that. But she would have liked the chance to tel him one last time that she loved him.

It was the same thing al over again, except that Jem was alive, presumably sitting around at the Game, flirting with the Graces It was the same thing, al over again.

He was dead to her.

The Definition of Manhood, Under Discussion Again

March 21, 1784

I t was time for the Game, so Jem made his way to the study. Lord Brouncker arrived with news of a great quarrel between the East India Company and a man named Stal ybrass, which was inflaming both Houses of Parliament. Jem didnt care.

He bet wildly and without interest. He ended up betting that Fox would not prevent passage of the Mutiny Bil , even though he hated engaging in that sort of random expenditure of money.

The Game dissolved into nothing more than a series of drunken reminiscences, al of which had to do with a certain opera singer named Noel e Gray who seemed to have a generous temperament, to say the least.

Jem could hardly control his irritation.

Vil iers was smiling his secret little smile across the table. It provoked him, so he said bel igerently, What?

I was maintaining a dignified silence, Vil iers observed.

Distasteful, Jem snapped. Gentlemen, shal we have another hand?

Noo, Brouncker said, shaking his head. Cant manage it. My stomachs upset. Might shoot the cat.

Jem decided never to invite that idiot again. He looked around the room. He didnt want to see any of these men again, with their belching and pettiness. Lord Oke was peeing against the wal again, though he knew perfectly wel that there were chamber pots in the hal . Now he would pretend that he saw

Damme if I didnt see a chamber pot there but a moment ago! Oke roared.

Missing something? Vil iers asked.

The tone of his voice was nicely calibrated to sting. Jem turned and snapped at him. If you wish to say something, just do so. Be a man, for once.

Isnt that real y the subject at hand? What is a man, after al ? Vil iers asked softly. He was magnificently dressed in a flared coat of raspberry, edged with an elaborate braided twil . He had his hair tied back and unpowdered, of course. Only fools like Oke bothered to powder their hair for the Game.

A man, Jem said, is not a woman.

Concise.

Men are not fools who

Who?

Who turn out to be what they are not.

Ah, the beauty of your logic, Vil iers said amiably. Real y. I marvel at it. He leaned closer. I miss Harriet. She showed remarkable spirit for someone of her sex.

And rank.

Ah, Vil iers said, sitting back. And therein we have the serpent in the Garden of Eden, do we?

You must admit there is some discrepancy in how she was presented to me.

I have never been one to overlook rank, Vil iers said, waving his hand. He wore a ruby on one finger.

No, you wouldnt.

And yet if I judge Harriet correctly, one could not say that she takes rank as seriously as do Iand oddly enough, as you appear to do.

I thought she was the widow of a country squire, Jem said, scrubbing his face with his hands. He might as wel tel Vil iers. I thought Id be doing her a favor, by taking her out of a dreary country existence.

Vil iers laughed.

Exactly, Jem said. More the fool I.

The duchy of Berrow is no smal hamlet, Vil iers said.

Berrow? Jems head shot up. Berrow ?

What duchy did you think we were discussing?

I never asked.

There arent very many of us, Vil iers observed. His ruby ring seemed to wink at Jem.

Her husband

Benjamin.

He came to the Game once, Jem said.

You never invited him again, Vil iers guessed.

No. He wasnt real y interested.

Benjamin was one of my dearest friends, though I didnt understand that until after his death. One can make terrible mistakes when it comes to love, you know.

Jem ground his teeth. The last thing he needed was a lecture from someone famous for spawning il egitimate children. You are an unlikely font of such wisdom, he said.

I couldnt agree more. I have never been in love with a woman, for example.

Jem looked at him startled.

No, nor yet a man, Vil iers said, shaking his head. But I have loved . Here and there, here and there. I know the worth of the emotion.

I loved Sal y, Jem said.

But Vil iers had known him for years, since those long-ago days, and he said nothing.

Al right, I didnt love her in the same way. But Harriet is a duchess.

We established that. Vil iers pushed his smal glass of claret toward Jem with one finger. Here. I havent touched it.

Jem looked at his own empty glass and picked up Vil ierss, cradling it in his hand. She is a good woman. A decent woman.

She said the Game would have to stop, and Id have to fol ow her. But she has no idea. She knows nothing of my family.

Pesky things, families.

My reputation would ruin her. Shed come to hate me.

I suppose you are saying that I must give up the chance of fal ing in love as wel ?

Why would you? Jem tossed back the claret.

Oh, I do have some children out of wedlock, you know. Do you?

No.

What, only the daughter that youve tended so careful y? It shows a shockingly conservative turn of mind, Strange.

Jem snorted.

I suppose you are saying that due to my notorious lack of interest in my il egitimate offspring, and my accompanying reputation, that I must never fal in love? Vil ierss question was delicately barbed.

You dont fol ow. I cantthe Game

Ah, the Game. Vil iers glanced around the room. It smel ed of urine, thanks to Oke, and the air was redolent of cheroot smoke.

A charming tradition.

Ive fixed the majority of my contracts here. I

Of course, one can always use more substance, Vil iers said. I wonder how my estates keep multiplying when I give them so little attention.

Jem shot him a look of extreme dislike.

I would guess that Harriet does not care for the Graces, and the other ladies of their ilk. He raised a finger at a footman, who bounded forward and brought him another glass of claret.

Its not that she disdains them, Jem said, taking another deep swal ow of wine.

She doesnt want to breakfast with them? I must admit that Chloes laughter was making me tetchy earlier this evening. That story she told at dinner, about the bishop and the champagne bath. Hardly in good taste, dont you think? Especial y with those detailsit was his miter she was talking about, wasnt she?

Jem took another swal ow.

No good woman has ever loved me, Vil iers said, putting down his glass with a little ring. I was engaged, you know. Last year.

I heard.

Beautiful girl. She fel in love with the Earl of Gryffyn and dropped me. Do you know how I found out? Because she looked at him that way. There was a sort of look in her eyes.

What sort of look?

He shrugged. I see it now and then.

Jem knew where Vil iers had seen it. In Harriets eyes, when she looked at him. I know Harriet loves me, he said roughly. But it would ruin her life, dont you understand that?

And they always say that women are the more sacrificial sex, Vil iers said. How touching al this recrimination is. I wish that Roberta had seen her way to such a sacrifice, but she went off and married Gryffyn anyway. I do believe they are most happy together.

Jem grunted.

I thought perhaps Miss Charlotte Tatlock might fal in love with me, Vil iers said. She paid me visits while I was il .

For Gods sake, you sound like a pitifiul case.

One thing about nearly dying is that you quite lose the wish to disguise your own weaknesses, Vil iers observed.

Jem silently thanked God he was feeling healthy.

Miss Tatlock fel in love with my heir, Vil iers said.

Youre cursed in love, Jem said. Next thing youre going to tel me that you have your eye on Harriet.

Vil iers said nothing.

Jem felt a punishing heat rising in his chest. Youre joking, right? he said in a stifled voice.

No one could not have his eye on Harriet, Vil iers said, looking back to Jem. Shes utterly delicious, as you wel know, especial y in breeches. Do you know that she and I almost had an affaire once?

Jem thought he might vomit. He shook his head.

I approached her but she slapped me. She was married then, of course.

I thought you just said that Benjamin was one of your closest friends.

Annoying, isnt it? I just seem to have the kind of constitution that simply cant pay attention to the claims of friends. If you had a claim on Harriet, for instance, I would do my best. But of course, he added gently, you havent.

Jem gave him a leaden-eyed look. Stop it.

Stop what?

Your ham-handed attempts to manipulate me.

Dear me, Vil iers said, sipping his wine. I must be losing my touch.

If if I go after Harriet it wont be because Im afraid that youl snatch her up. She wouldnt have you, anyway.

A terrible blow, Vil iers murmured. It takes a friend to dash one to the ground.

She He stopped.

I suppose it could be that she loves you, and therefore she would reject me, Vil iers concluded. How unfortunate, under the circumstances. Luckily, I am used to the circumstance. Wel , I must to bed. This has been an utterly charming conversation, Strange. He rose and bowed, magnificently.

Jem, Strange said, looking up at him.

Dear me. First names are so very intimate. In that case, my name is Leopold, but Il thank you not to use it.

Leopold, Jem said, trying the name out. It suits you, in a emperor-ish type of way.

I dislike it, Vil iers said.

You must cal me Jem. So much advice and delivered with such poisonous precisionwe must be the best of friends.

Vil iers paused for a moment, and a smile warmed his wintry eyes. Indeed, he said. That is my impression.

He turned with a swirl of his magnificent coat, and was gone.

Brouncker was sick in the corner.

March 22, 1784

H arriet said I could visit her, Eugenia reported. I can, cant I, Papa? I know she has kittens in the barn, because she told me so.