Enchanted and Desired (27 page)

He opens his mouth to speak. “Jess…” I cut him off, the hurt in his eyes too much for me to bear.

“I can’t do this Simon. I’m not this person. I thought you knew that. I don’t WANT this.” I duck under his arm, trying to get away from his imposing presence, but he grabs my arm.

“Wait a goddamn minute Jess. You don’t get to say something like that to me and walk away. Not after everything we’ve been through to get here; everything we mean to each other. I know you Jess, and this isn’t YOU.”

“You obviously
don’t
know me Simon. I warned you more than once. I’m not the girl you fall in love with and live happily ever after with. I’m the girl you screw before you find
that
girl.” His grip tightens as I try to make a break for the elevators.

“That’s bullshit and you know it. You’re scared, I get it. I even expected it…but this…I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now Jess. You need to explain this to me.” My heart splinters in my chest, wreaking havoc on my body, tearing me up from the inside out.

“What do you want from me? I’m not the settling down type. We’ve had a great time together, Italy was amazing and I will always cherish it, but we both know deep down this was never going to last. Let’s just part ways now before it gets complicated and ugly.”

“I thought we were on the same page Jess. This isn’t just a fling for me, and I don’t think it is for you either. Something has you spooked, way beyond me asking you to move in with me. Whatever it is, you can tell me, we can work it out. As long as we’re together, nothing else matters. Remember what I told you Tesoro – Just you and me now.” He lifts his hand in a tender gesture to stroke my face; his movements careful and wary, as if trying to soothe a lame animal.

I flinch at his touch, watching his heart break at my reaction. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I’m sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention.” I turn on my heels making a hasty retreat to the elevators, but just as I enter the open doors, I find myself spun around to face Simon, his arms tight on my biceps.

“You can’t just fucking walk out on me like this Jess. You don’t get to make that decision by yourself. I told you I would fight for you, for us, even when you aren’t willing to.”

The elevator attendant steps up. “Is this man bothering you miss?”

“Yes. He won’t let go of me.” The look on Simon’s face is pained, tortured and devastated, and I hate that I’m the one causing it.

“Take your hands off of the lady, sir, before I call security.”

He lets go of my arms, stumbling back in shock.

“Jess…”

As the doors close between us, I leave my shattered heart at the top of the Empire State Building, with the only man I’ve ever really loved, my name a strangled plea on his lips.

“Jess…please…”

I take a deep breath, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks as I wait for the doors to open onto the lobby. When they finally do, I hurry from the building, but a strong arm grabs my wrist. The voice of a broken man behind me.

“Why are you doing this to us Jess? Talk to me.”

“I’ve said all there is to say. It’s over. Please just let me go. I’m not this girl.”

“You’re MY girl. Tesoro. I
know
you love me. Tell me you don’t and I’ll let you go, I’ll never bother you again.”

I can’t look him in the eye. “I don’t love you Simon.” There is NO conviction in my voice and he knows it.

“I don’t believe you. Fucking look at me and tell me you’re not in love with me. Tell me that when we’re together you don’t feel the most intense connection you’ve ever felt to another person on this whole goddamn planet.” He grabs my face, forcing me to look at him; his eyes wild with fear and desperation. “You can’t say it Jess, because it isn’t true.”

I gulp down the lump in my throat, steeling myself for the biggest lie I will ever tell. I let out the breath I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, firmly putting the guard in place that I’ve cultivated over the years. A blank expression betraying the agony raging inside me.

“I DON’T love you Simon. I’m sorry I let it go on this long. You deserve so much more, and I can’t give it to you. I got carried away with the idea of it all, but…I’m not IN LOVE with you.” I lean in to taste his lips one last time. My last selfish act towards the man that taught me what true love really is. His taste will be forever emblazoned in my memory, his smell a lasting imprint on my senses, his touch a permanent mark on my soul.

As I pull back to look into his beautiful eyes for the last time, my heart is broken into a million pieces, scattered to the ends of the earth; his chocolate brown depths begging me to stay. The last words he says to me as I pull out of his grasp will forever haunt my dreams. His low, rasping voice thick with emotion.

“I will always love you Jess, but if you walk away now, don’t come back, because I can’t do this again. Not with you Tesoro. I
won’t
.”

As I walk away, the only comfort I have as my world crumbles around me, is that a part of him is growing inside me, a part of him that I will keep, and cherish, and love until my dying breath.

I can’t stay in the city one more night. If I do I will end up at Simon’s door, begging him to forgive me, to take me back; begging him to WANT this baby. I am furiously throwing anything and everything into a suitcase on my bed. I can barely see what I’m picking up through the tears that sting my eyes. Sobs wrack my body, my eyes swollen and bruised from hours of crying. My breathing is labored as I pack up my life. The life I love, my life with Lily, and my life with Simon. I haphazardly stuff my toiletries into the case before zipping it up and wheeling it out into the hallway.

When I reach the door to my apartment I take a moment to reminisce about all of the special moments I’ve had in this wonderful place, my home. I grab the notepad from the console table by the door and scribble a note for Lily before closing the door behind me. I know the first thing she will do when she finds out I broke up with Simon. She’ll come looking for me, and I need to let her know that I’m okay, or at least I will be…one day…maybe.

I hail a cab and head for the airport. I don’t know where I’m going, but I guess I’ll find out when I get there.

Four Weeks Later

SIMON

The sunlight burns my eyes as I awake in a haze. I stink of booze and I’m not sure where I am. I’m not surprised or worried, this has become my life recently – par for the course.

Every day is the same. One long endless void flowing into the next. I work, I drink, and I sleep. Sometimes I sleep with whichever random woman has offered herself to me on a slutty platter. Basically, it’s back to the good old days for me. As the room slowly comes into focus I realize I’m in a cell. Holy Fuck, what did I do last night? I’m too out of it to care; I don’t care about anything anymore, so I close my eyes and drift off, only to be startled awake by the banging on the bars next to where my head is resting.

“What the fuck Si?” Brandon? What the hell is he doing here? And why the fuck is my back killing me?

I slowly lift my pounding head, my vision skewed as I take in the disapproving look on my best friend’s face. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?”

“I got back three weeks ago and I’ve seen you since then. You’re just living in a permanent drunken state and can’t fucking remember it. I’m going to post your bail and then we can get the fuck out of here.”

He returns fifteen minutes later with an officer to open my cell. I get my keys and wallet and head out into the far too bright morning light. He immediately starts giving me shit. “What are you doing Si? You need to snap out of it.”

I see fucking red. “Oh really. Is that all I need to do? I didn’t realize it was so fucking easy. I’ll get right on that.”

“Shut the fuck up Si. I’m trying to help you.” He opens the door to the car, but I just can’t be around him, so I start walking. I associate him with Lily, and everything about Lily is a stark reminder that Jess is gone.

“Why don’t you just go back to your perfect life with your perfect wife and leave me the fuck alone Brandon? I don’t need to see the fucking pity on your face.”

“Just get in the fucking car. Lily and I are worried about you. She wants to see you. She asked me to find out where Jess is…and I heard back from my investigator this morning. I know where she is man. Just come back to my place and we can decide what to do.”

He’s just standing looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to get in the car. Just the mention of her name is like a knife in my chest. “I don’t give a flying FUCK. She gave up on me. She doesn’t love me, so why the FUCK would I give a shit about where she is?” I’m shouting in the middle of the fucking street, but I can’t rein in the fury I feel roiling inside me. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

I start walking in the general direction of my apartment, listening as Brandon yells my name, but I just don’t care. Half an hour later I find myself standing outside Cube. It won’t be open for another twelve hours, but there’s a couch in my office with my name on it, and a bottle of Jack in the cabinet that will numb the ache in my chest…at least for the next few hours.

The pulsing beat of the packed club just outside my office door wakes me from my stupor. I feel like hammered shit as I make my way into my private bathroom, and the man staring back at me in the mirror looks even worse. Every movement feels like a major effort for my aching muscles as I switch on the shower, drop yesterday’s disgusting clothes to the floor and step under the showerhead, letting the water cascade over every inch of my aching flesh. I rest my throbbing head against the cold tiles, easing my banging head. I can feel that there’s something on my back, remembering that it was sore before I fell asleep, and as I run my hand over my shoulder blades, I have a flashback to the night before – sitting in the chair of a tattoo shop. I rip the covering from my skin; a feeling of pain and dread creeping through my veins. The night begins to come back to me in a movie reel of events. I left the club early after drinking far too much Scotch and stumbled into the tattoo shop. Oh FUCK. The memory of my slurred request is like a bucket of ice water in the face –
Tesoro. I want you to write Tesoro on my back. Big and black and broken, just like my fucking heart.
Jesus…I’m such a fucking idiot. As if my tormented soul wasn’t enough of a reminder, now I have a permanent testament to the biggest mistake I ever made.