Enchanted and Desired (30 page)

My voice is a gruff whisper. “I can’t eat anything right now. Maybe I could just have a shower and crash for a bit? Sorry to put you out like this.”

Her tiny, warm hand cups my cheek, caressing it with her thumb. It’s a tender gesture and I appreciate the show of affection. “You’re not putting us out. I’m glad you’re here. Anything you need Si, honestly. I’ll go get some towels and put the shower on in the guest bathroom for you. It’ll just take a minute. I’ll be right back.”

As I watch her scurry off down the hall, my heart aches, remembering her and Jess together. She’s hurting too and it’s my fault. I pushed her best friend to leave everything behind. She couldn’t even stand to stay in the same State as me. I should have been the one to go. To let her keep her life and her friends here in New York. I hate to think of her, wherever she is, alone, with nothing of her former life to hold on to.

Brandon comes over with an espresso held out to me. “Think you might need this. I’m not coming in the shower with you to keep you upright. I love you man, but I draw the fucking line at that.”

I manage a small laugh before drinking down the steaming hot shot of coffee. “Understood.” Lily appears, telling me the room is all set up for me, and that she’s laid out some of Brandon’s clothes for me to change into after my shower. “I can’t thank you enough Lil. I really appreciate everything you guys have put up with from me over the past few weeks.”

“We’re not just friends Si, we’re family. Don’t ever forget that.” With a nod and a strained smile I head down the hall and into the guest room.

I strip off my clothes, thinking I should just burn them after last night. The thought of that girl all over me, and me calling her
that
, fuck, it makes my skin crawl. I throw them into the laundry bin before stepping into the shower. No amount of water can wash away how dirty I feel. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my life, for a lot of different reasons, but I have never tried to pretend they were someone else. And I have NEVER called anyone Tesoro before. It was special, just for Jess, and last night I turned it into something dirty and meaningless.

As I let the water wash over me, I think back over the past four weeks. I’ve done and said so many things that I’m not proud of; used so many women. Let everything around me, including my friendships, crumble. I am a fucking sorry excuse for a man at the moment. No wonder Jess ran away.

When I get out of the shower, I don’t even bother to dry off. I just fall face first onto the bed and fall asleep, completely naked, on top of the covers, sunlight still streaming in through the windows. It’s a small comfort to know that I’m not alone in the apartment. This place might not be my home, but it feels like
a
home, and the low hum of people I love talking and getting on with their lives in another room is a welcome sound as I drift off into a dreamless sleep.

When I wake in unfamiliar surroundings, I don’t have the same panic that has plagued me of late. I’m not drunk, and I know where I am. I can hear familiar voices coming from the living room – Brandon, Lily and…Sofia? What is she doing here? I quickly dress in a pair of jeans and plain fitted black T-shirt of Brandon’s that Lily left out for me. I doubt he’ll want these jeans back after my junk has been commando in them. I’m certainly not wearing his fucking boxers. That would be tantamount to rubbing our junk together. Fuck that! I’ll buy him a new pair of jeans. I grab the cons I was wearing last night and make my way out to the living room.

“Feeling any better?” Lily looks concerned, and it warms my heart that she still cares about me after I drove her best friend away.

“I feel a million times better thanks Lil. It was nice to wake up in a bed for a change. And thanks for the clothes. I think I’ll just incinerate what I had on yesterday.” She looks at me with a confused frown. “The less said about that the better. Some things you just don’t want to know.”

“Come sit down with us. I think it’s time we had a conversation.”

“Oh fuck. Are you guys doing an intervention? I’ve really hit an all-time low now.”

Brandon laughs. “It’s not an intervention. Calm the fuck down. We’re all worried about you, and I have some…information, that I think, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll want to know.”

“I remember you said you know where she is. She doesn’t want me man. I need to start coming to terms with that without giving myself liver disease. She moved away from everything she loved to get away from me, and if she wanted me to know where she was, she would have contacted me by now.” I slump down onto the couch next to Sofia.

“Hey Sof. It’s really nice to see you. Wish it was under better circumstances, but it’s great that you’re here.” She cuddles into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist.

“I love you Si. You’ve always been there for me, and now I’m going to do the same for you. Jess and I were close before she left. She and I…understand each other. I know you saw it in her, the same brokenness that I had…have. There’s more going on here Si, I can feel it.”

I pull her tighter to me. “I appreciate that sis, but she made her decision. I pushed her too far and she snapped. She didn’t love me. End of.”

She wrestles out of my arms, rearing up; a look of exasperation on her delicate features. “She loves you. How could you lose sight of that? There is
obviously
something else going on here Si. She
needs
you. I know you’re hurting but you NEED to go and get her back. Bring her home, where she belongs, with you.”

Lily cuts in. “She’s right Si. I have never seen Jess
so
in love with someone. She is head over heels for you. I KNOW IT. I don’t know what she was thinking, or what’s going on, but I NEED YOU to go and bring her home. Please. She belongs here with you, with us.”

“I don’t know Lil. She had a lot of issues after Gavin, but she told me everything that happened with him, and I thought we had moved past it.”

“What happened with Gavin? It’s obviously more than him just cheating on her. Isn’t it?” Her voice is distressed, her mind probably racing, contemplating the awful possibilities.

“Yes, is the short answer to that Lil. I think she was ashamed, and didn’t want you to think less of her. I can’t go into more detail. It’s her story to tell and I can’t break that trust. Maybe if she had confided in you, you would have been able to help her in a way I obviously couldn’t.”

“It’s not your fault.” Sofia interjects.

“I thought she trusted me enough to tell me
anything
. I was wrong. I failed her Sof. The same way I failed you.”

Sofia grabs my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her.

“You listen here Simon, and listen well. YOU DID NOT FAIL ME!! You were 14 years old for God’s sake. There is no way you could have known what was going to happen. There was no way ANY of us could have known what he was capable of. YOU...” Tears fill her eyes as she continues. “You saved me Si. So many times, I could never possibly repay you. Every night you sat with me, wrapped me up in blankets and rocked me to sleep, singing to me to chase away my demons. Simon, I could NEVER have lived through all of that without you. You have been my rock, my constant. I know that you’ve carried your own demons from that day, and that it’s effected your relationships or lack thereof with women. Do you have any idea how happy it made me to see you with Jess? You love her with complete abandon. 100% all in. I know what it took for you to do that, and how hard this must be for you. But think Si…think? Please look back at your time with her before the night she left, and ask yourself honestly, do you really believe that she doesn’t love you? That she never loved you? Siete due corpi, ma un’anima sola.”
[You are two bodies, but one soul.]

In an instant, every memory I have of Jess flashes before my eyes. All the times she told me she loved me. The way our bodies moved so intuitively together, molded as if by fate – a perfect fit. And then it slams into my chest like a Mack Truck. How did I not see it before? There were so many times in Italy when she was trying to tell me, pleading with me to remember, no matter what, that she loves me. Holy fucking shit. She was planning to leave me when we were in Italy. This had nothing to do with me asking her to move in. Sofia’s right. There’s something else going on. A rush of adrenaline courses through my veins, bringing me back to life for the first time in a month.

My voice is low and measured.

“Brandon…where’s my girl?”

JESS

I’m working tonight, and I’m already completely and utterly exhausted. I’ve been sick more than usual today but I’ve dragged myself out of bed to make my shift in time. I know Hank would have given me the night off, but I need the distraction and the routine that working in the bar gives me. I still have access to all of my accounts and daddy’s money, but I need to start taking responsibility for my own life. When things settle down a bit, I’m going to try to find an advertising job in the city, but for now the bar is just what I need.

Once I’m up and dressed I feel marginally better, taking the time to do my hair and make-up. It always acts as a little pick-me-up, making an effort with your appearance. That’s what my mom always told me, and I swear by it. Or at least I used to. As I sit and stare at my reflection I don’t really even recognize the girl staring back at me. My eyes are sunken and tired looking, the sparkle that once glimmered brightly is gone. My hair is always scraped back into a ponytail now. It’s easy for work, and I don’t have any desire to spend hours styling it, for no one to see. I already don’t fit any of my favorite clothes. I’ve had to buy new jeans and tops, and a few skirts. There isn’t exactly much choice around here, but I managed to get some stuff delivered from the city. It’s bad enough that I have nothing that’s familiar to me, and that my ass is apparently growing exponentially, I am
not
giving up my favorite brand of jeans just yet damn it!

As I pull into the parking lot of Joe’s, I have a strange feeling that someone is watching me. I look around the lot, but there’s no one there. I must be imagining it. I slam the door on my rental and head in to start my shift. I’m met by a warm welcome from the regulars and the staff. It’s Saturday night and the place is packed, so I quickly don my black uniform t-shirt with ‘Joe’s’ emblazoned in big red letters across my chest and throw my bag in one of the lockers. On my way out to the bar, Hank shouts me into his office.

“Everything okay Jess? You look pretty beat. You sure you don’t want to take the night off. I can call in one of the other girls to cover for you.” He’s always so sweet to me.

“No, I’m good. Just couldn’t sleep last night, but I
want
to work. Trust me, I’m better off here than I am sitting in my apartment moping and feeling sorry for myself.”

“Okay sweetheart. But if you feel bad at any point tonight, just come and tell me and you can go.”

I give him a real, honest smile. Not something that comes naturally to me these days. “Thanks Hank. You’re the best.”

“I know. I’m fucking awesome.” With that I take my leave, laughing all the way down the hall and out into the bar.

It’s jam packed tonight with all of our regulars and some out-of-towners who were here for one of the high school football games. I’m still not up to speed on everything that goes on in this town, but I get that the team is the center of the universe for most people that live here. I get to work, taking up residence at the bottom end of the bar while Sarah works the top. The hours tick by quickly, serving drinks non-stop. I don’t even have time for my break, but I don’t mind. Anything that distracts me from Simon is a good thing.