Enchanted and Desired (33 page)

When the doorman calls to tell me Angus is waiting downstairs, I feel like my skin is on fire, my stomach lurching up and into my throat. I know I’m going to see Simon tonight, and I have no idea how he will react to me, or how I’ll react to him. I grab my bag and head downstairs, my heart beating so fast I’m scared I’ll go into cardiac arrest. Angus is ever the professional, greeting me with a smile, opening the door for me, and driving me to the party without another word spoken. It gives me far too much time to worry about what tonight will be like, around everyone that I love, for the first time in two months – my parents, Lily, and Simon. While I’m lost in my own world, the familiar streets of New York pass me by, and suddenly the door next to me swings open.

“We’re here Ms. Foster.” My brain just can’t process the fact that all of the people I love most in the world, and that I haven’t seen in two months, are no more than 200ft from me.

I step out of the car and make my way up the steps and into the lion’s den. I feel like I’m walking the green mile, heading for the gas chamber, my body vibrating with nerves. I’m directed to the ballroom by a member of staff, and as I step into the crowd, I immediately
know
…he’s here. I can still sense him, scanning the room until my eyes stop, frozen, staring across the room, at the chocolate brown eyes that I see every night in my dreams, staring back at me. I can see his breath catch at the same time as my own, and all I want to do is go to him, but I know that I can’t make the first move. I broke everything that we had, and he has no idea why. I can’t force him to speak to me, but I’m praying that he will; wanting to hear his rough, low, gorgeous voice. As I stand, willing him to stride towards me with the lithe elegance I love, he shifts his gaze to the pretty blonde trying to get his attention, turning his body away from me. It’s a blow to my already tenuous confidence in myself that I can manage through this evening without breaking down.

I feel out of place and lonely, in a room full of family and friends, until I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and turn to see my mom and dad, the widest grins on their faces as they envelop me in a Foster family hug. Normally I would be embarrassed, but in this moment, I have never been happier to be at the center of my parents’ affection. “Oh sweetheart, we’re so glad to see you.” My dad’s voice sounds shaky. “How are you baby girl?”

I squeeze them both a little tighter, hoping that my voice doesn’t betray me. “I’m okay daddy. I’m so happy to see you both. I’m so sorry I worried you.” My parents still don’t know that I’m pregnant, but I did tell them that I needed to get away after my break-up with Simon. I told them it was my doing, because I didn’t want them to think badly of him, and they accepted that, never pushing me for more information.

“We’re just glad you’re okay sweetie.” My mom’s voice is thick with unshed tears, and my heart hurts at how badly my actions have affected everyone I care about.

“Why don’t I go get my girls some drinks?” My dad turns to head to the bar.

“Just an orange juice for me daddy. I have an early start tomorrow.” He nods, thinking nothing of the lie that so effortlessly trips off my tongue.

“I better go find the woman of the hour and say hi. I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit.”

“Okay sweetheart. We’ll see you later on. Please don’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“I won’t mom. I promise. Love you.” I have to walk away before I start crying. The fact that they feel the need to beg me not to leave without saying goodbye to them is gut wrenching. What have I done to everyone? I hate myself for all the pain I’ve caused.

I slowly make my way through the crowds, nodding, smiling and saying the odd hello when a familiar voice grabs my attention. “The guest of honor is this way.” It’s Brandon. I can see every emotion flit across his face, anger, pity, and confusion. “Please don’t ruin this for her Jess. She’s worked so hard, against all the odds. She’s been a wreck since you left. She’s worried about you. We all are.” That small admission that he doesn’t completely despise me after what I did to his best friend is an olive branch I never expected and it brings a lump to my throat.

I choke it back before I speak. “I won’t Brandon. I promise I won’t cause any trouble. I just wanted to support Lily tonight. I’m so proud of her. You know I love her like a sister.”

He gives me the smallest smile. “I know Jess, and she can’t wait to see you.”

There’s a circle of people, surrounding Lily, but when Brandon’s imposing frame appears, her eye is drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and it’s then that she sees me at his side. I don’t know how I thought she would react, but I’m elated when she practically starts shoving people out of the way to get to me, a massive grin on her face and tears in her eyes. She pulls me close, wrapping her arms around me; holding on as if she’s afraid I’ll disappear at any given moment.

“Jess…God, I’m so happy to see you.” It’s all she can manage before the tears spill out. “I’ve missed you so much.”

I hold on to her as tightly as she does me. “God Lily, I’m so sorry. I’ve missed you too, more than you could ever know.” We just stand, crying in each other’s arms, oblivious to the party going on around us.

Brandon steps in after a while, almost prying us apart. “This is supposed to be a happy occasion ladies. Let’s not forget, my amazing wife has just become a published author.”

We stand, wiping our mascara streaked tears from our eyes, laughing at how ridiculous we must look to everyone around us right now.

“He’s right Lil. This is your night. We’re not spending it crying like a couple of idiots. Let’s get this party started. I’m so freaking proud of you Lilliput. I always knew you would make your dream a reality.” We give each other a happy hug before we join Brandon and all of the other revelers in celebrating this amazing woman, my best friend, Lily Redgrave – author.

I can feel his eyes on me the entire night, but as the hours tick by, I realize that he has no intention of speaking to me. I still can’t stop myself from glancing in his direction every so often, and whenever I do, I see him staring at me, studying me, his eyes raking my body from head to toe. It’s thrilling, and chilling, and devastating all rolled into one. I would give anything to feel his touch one last time, to breathe in his addictive scent while he ravishes my body.

I try to distract myself, making the rounds of friends I haven’t seen in months, making small talk, exchanging pleasantries, everyone avoiding the white elephant in the room. I can see it on each and every one of their faces – the unanswered question – Why did you disappear Jess? Gladly no one has the guts to ask, and I’m not going to offer up that information any time soon, or ever.

I’m finding that one of the major downsides of pregnancy is that I have a bladder the size of a pea now, and I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to use the restroom this evening. I’m returning from what I can only assume is my four hundredth trip to the restroom when I’m accosted by Simon in the lobby.

“Jess.” The cool, detached way he says my name knocks the wind out of me.

“Hello Simon. I…It’s…”

“Save it Jess. I think you’ve said all you need to say to me, but there are a few things I need to say to you.”

His eyes devour my body as I stand no more than 2ft away from him. His smell invades my senses, even more masculine and arousing than I remember; my memories, a cheap imitation of the real thing. My entire body aches at his proximity, and at the gulf that has formed between us.

“Jess. I understand that you don’t love me, I’m not here to try and change your mind.”

“Simon. Please. Don’t.”

He continues. “It’s painfully obvious to me now. Why you left and why we could never work.” My splintered heart can’t take much more of this. “But you’re punishing everyone else around you – Lily, your parents. I don’t want that for you Jess. My failings and what happened between us shouldn’t come between you and the people you
do
love.”

“Stop.” My voice is a hoarse whisper; painful as I speak past the lump in my throat. “You don’t understand.”

“I understand perfectly Jess.”

“NO, you clearly don’t understand anything.”

Anger flares in his eyes. “Now just wait a fucking minute Jess, I’m trying to help you here, even though you dumped me and fell off the face of the planet in the blink of a fucking eye.”

“Like you even cared. You never tried to call. You never texted me. You obviously weren’t that heartbroken.” I don’t know why I said that, I’m just grasping at anything to stop myself from confessing everything to him right here in the lobby.

“What the fuck Jess? YOU’RE upset because I didn’t come fucking groveling to you after you told me you didn’t love me, and that you never had?! Did I bruise your delicate fucking ego? I’m ever so goddamn sorry. MY MOTHERFUCKING BAD!” He’s running his fingers through his hair in frustration.

“I’m so sorry Simon.” I’m overwhelmed with emotion, and all I can do, is the same thing that I always do when I’m faced with a situation I can’t deal with, I run. I turn on my heels and run for the exit, my hand outstretched to hail a cab as soon as I feel the cool night air on my face. I can hear Simon behind me.

“Jess. Wait. I didn’t mean that. Don’t fucking run. Jess…JESS.”

A cab pulls up and I grab at the handle, shaking as I jump in and beg the driver to move, to get me away from here. As I look behind me with blurred vision, I see Simon, standing in the middle of the road, his arms in the air.

“Cazzo. JESS. FUCK!!” I hate myself even more than I did before, if that’s possible. I’ve learned nothing. I ran away…AGAIN. What the fuck is the matter with me? I broke my promise to my parents that I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, and I broke my promise to Brandon that I wouldn’t cause any trouble tonight. As soon as Lily realizes I’m gone, she’s going to be upset, and yet again, with
my
selfishness, I’ve ruined everything.

I don’t deserve to be a mom. What hope does this baby have with me as its mother? That thought is the last straw, the unbearable epiphany that has me sobbing my heart out in another New York cab, driving away from Simon…again.

SIMON

I’m banging on the door to Jess’s apartment after convincing the doorman to let me in without calling up to her first. “Open the door Jess. We need to talk.” There is silence for what seems like forever. “I know you’re in there. I watched you come up.”

“There’s nothing to talk about Simon. Please just go away.”

“I can’t do that and you know it. You at least owe me this.” The door slowly opens, her tear streaked face like a knife to my chest. She gestures me inside, reluctance evident on her face. “Is it that repulsive to you to be in the same room with me now Jess?”

Her voice is a whisper. “That could
never
be true and you know it.”

“Why would I know that Jess? You walked out on me without so much as a second thought for how you made me feel, or what I wanted, and you started a new life somewhere else. I tried to speak to you tonight, and you fucking ran Jess…you
ran
. It’s classic you. I don’t know why I’m still surprised by it.”

“I guess I deserved that. But don’t EVER think that I never gave you a second thought. I was devastated when I left.”

I can’t hide the distain in my voice. “I highly fucking doubt that.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well fucking fill me in Jess, because I was left without a fucking clue about what happened that night.”

“I left for you. So you could have the life you wanted.”

“You’re not even making sense Jess. Don’t fucking kid yourself that you did any of this for me - you did it for yourself, because you wanted something I obviously couldn’t fucking give you. If you loved me…you never would have left.”

“That’s not true.”

“The fuck it isn’t! You’re like a fucking grenade Jess. You explode without any consideration for the people that might get caught in the crossfire. Do you have any fucking idea what you did to me when you left? DO YOU???” Her tears begin to fall, but I’ve held it in for so long, I need her to know how I feel. “You fucking killed me Jess. You shredded my heart, ripped it out of my fucking chest and stomped all over it.”

“I know.” Her words are laced with remorse.