Enchanted and Desired (32 page)

I’m startled by a rap on the window and turn to see a pretty little redhead staring back at me. I instinctively lower the window, even though I have no desire to talk to anyone right now.

“Everything okay?” She gives me a sultry smile and I can tell she’s hot for me.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw what you did back there, defending Jess like that. It was really…chivalrous of you. Do you know her?” I ponder that question for a moment. Thinking about the girl I fell in love with, and the girl that I just saw swept up in the arms of another man.

“No. I don’t know her. I just don’t like dickheads that think they can take what they want without permission. No woman should have to put up with that.” I’m just trying to be honest, but I can see it’s affecting her. She lets out an almost inaudible moan before biting her bottom lip; her breathing becoming shallow and erratic as I stare into her forest green eyes. “Do you know her well?”

“Yeah, she’s great. She hasn’t been here long – arrived from New York last month, running away from some guy apparently. They wanted different things, so she split and ended up here. But enough about her. Can I get you some ice for your hand…or…anything at all?”

Her tongue darts out to wet her lips and I already hate myself for being this guy. I don’t want to be a player anymore, but it’s who I am, and right now, I need to lose myself, and try to forget about Jess. I switch on the charm, and ignore the nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m sure I can think of something.”

I open the door and step out of the car, looming over her petite frame; watching as her breath catches just from the brush of my hand down her side, over the swell of her breasts and down to her waist. I pull her tight against my chest and lowering my head to her ear.

“Do you like the idea of fucking a stranger in an alley sweetheart?” She simply nods. “Does it make you wet? Make you feel dirty?” She’s panting as I continue. It’s just too fucking easy. “How badly do you want me to fuck you?” Her voice is a breathy whisper as she answers me.

“So fucking badly – anything you want baby…please.” I take her hand in mine and lead her down the dark and dingy alleyway behind the bar.

“You got protection?” She pulls a condom packet from her pocket with a sultry grin. “Of course you do.” I drag her into the darkest corner I can find before crashing my lips down on hers. She tastes like tequila as she swirls her tongue, teasing me, and biting on my lip.

I quickly unzip her jeans and push them down her legs, together with the trashy G-string she’s wearing, spinning her around to face the wall so I don’t have to look at her while I fuck her.

“Bend over sweetheart.” Without hesitation she offers herself up to me, bracing her hands on the wall for purchase. I ram my fingers inside of her, feeling how wet she is for me already.

“Oh God baby! Yes…that feels so good.” I pull out of her, moving up to spread her arousal over her clit before shifting round to cover her ass.

“Just how dirty are you?” I press my fingers between her cheeks and she backs into them without flinching.

“You can take me anywhere you want honey.” Fucking perfect.

I rip open the foil packet with my teeth and slide the condom over my rock hard cock, before spreading her cheeks and pressing into her, one hard inch at a time. When I’m seated to the hilt, I thrust two fingers into her pussy, massaging her clit with my thumb.

“Oh God…you’re so big.”

“Yeah…you like that? Enjoy the fucking ride.” I hammer into her, taking what I need, telling myself over and over that this is who I am, that this is what I want – dirty, hot sex, with no strings attached.

It doesn’t take long for her to spiral over the edge into an intense climax, her pussy clenching around my fingers; her ass, tight as a fucking drum around my cock. I chase my own release, pounding into her ass over and over again as she begs me for more, and when it comes, it’s sweet fucking relief. All of my pent up anger and heartbreak, momentarily forgotten.

As soon as I’m done, it all comes crashing back down on me, and I’m ready to get the fuck out of dodge, but she has other ideas.

“What’s your name?”

“None of your goddamn business sweetheart. If you didn’t need to know it
before
I fucked you up the ass, you don’t need to know now.” I give her a swift kiss on the lips before striding out of the alley without another word.

I hate what I’ve become. I’m not a player anymore; over the past month I’ve become something much worse. I’m a completely different person. Before I met Jess I slept around, but I always treated women with respect and was very upfront about what I wanted. Now I’m just another dickhead that uses women and discards them for kicks – I’ve turned into…Gavin.

That realization rocks me to my core. I’m disgusted by my own depravity. I’ve become the one thing I promised Jess I would never be. I don’t fucking deserve her…I never did. She was right to leave me, to move on, to find someone that isn’t capable of sinking to the depths that I just did.

When I get back in my car, it’s at least fifteen minutes before my body stops vibrating and I’m able to put the key in the ignition and leave the love of my life behind, in the arms of another man; a better man than me.

I check into my hotel just long enough to wash off the blood that’s covering my hands, and the stench of the redhead from the alley. I change my clothes and put my T-shirt in the trash. When I’m happy that I don’t look like a homicidal maniac I check out, and make my way to the airport to catch the next flight back to New York which doesn’t leave for five hours. It’s torture to be so close to Jess and know that I can never have her.

The time passes so slowly, I think I’ll lose my sanity, everything about the past few hours playing over and over in my head. The image of Jess in the arms of another man is burned into my retinas. I can’t escape it, and I can’t bear to keep reliving it. I think about the last month of my life and how I can’t keep doing this to myself and to the people around me. As much as I want to lose myself in the bottom of a bottle of Jack, I need to at least
try
to hold it together. I know I can’t move on – that will never be an option for me, but I can put on a front, I can stop drinking, I can stop womanizing, I can make it seem to the outside world like I’m doing okay, and maybe one day, years from now, I might start to believe it myself.

When I’m finally sitting in my window seat on the plane, I watch as Dallas becomes a spec below me. The possibility of the future I came here to salvage, lost beneath the clouds. A dream that was never meant to be.

Two Weeks Later

JESS

My heart swells in my chest as I read and reread the email Lily sent me a few weeks ago. She’s been working flat out in her free time writing her first novel, and it’s finally ready to release. Of course she refused Brandon’s help to get it published, instead opting to submit it to some of the contact’s she’s made in her new job. She handed in the manuscript under a pseudonym so as not to curry favor, and also because she knew the name Redgrave would get instant attention, and not because of her hard work. She’s so amazing. I really miss her; talking with her, watching silly chick flicks, just laughing and joking the way we used to. I don’t know if it will ever be the same after the way I left without a word or an explanation.

Her email arrived the night after the incident in the bar, and I burst into tears as soon as I saw her name in my inbox. Needless to say, I continued crying when I actually read it. Her book has been picked up by a small independent publishing house, and it’s in production as we speak. The release is in two weeks and Brandon is throwing her a party to celebrate. It’s so his style and I freaking love him for it. He loves her without apology, and I really admire him for it.

I’ve read the same message every single day for two weeks; her plea for me to come back, if only for the release party. This is what she’s worked towards for so long, what she’s always wanted to do, and I am so proud of her, but I don’t know if I can do what she’s asking of me. Brandon is throwing the party, and he will most definitely be inviting Simon.

I’m not showing enough at this point that anyone would notice, and my morning sickness has stopped – thank GOD! I want to see Lily so badly it hurts. We’ve never been apart this long since the day we met. I can’t avoid her forever, and I don’t want to. If I miss this major moment in her life, I will
always
regret it, and she will
always
resent me for it. You can’t go back and fix things after the fact, and I understand how much that can eat away at you. If I could go back and change the way things happened with Simon, I would, in a heartbeat.

With my mind made up and my cell in my hand, I make the call I’ve been longing to make for six weeks. It only rings twice before she answers.

“Jess?” God I’ve missed that voice. It warms my heart and soothes my soul in an instant.

“Hi Lily.”

Two weeks after picking up the phone and speaking to Lily, I’m here in New York, standing in my old apartment, which my parents decided to keep for me, praying I would come home. It feels so empty without Lily, and haunted with memories of Simon; I can barely breathe.

I had to go and buy a new dress for the party tonight, because nothing in my wardrobe even remotely fits me now. I decided to go with something sexy and fitted, because if I go for anything else, people really would start talking. I’ve opted for a black Audrey Hepburn style dress, covered in a layer of the finest black French lace. I think I can pull it off, the black concealing the small rounding of my belly. I have a killer pair of peep toe heels and my hair is straight and sleek down my back. My make-up is minimal tonight, mainly because I’m exhausted by the time I’m done showering and styling my hair.

I’m ready just in time to leave for the Four Seasons – Brandon’s venue of choice. I told them I could just grab a cab and meet them there, but they insisted on sending Angus to pick me up. Lily asked me to fly in yesterday so that we could spend some time together, but I just couldn’t do it. If I had seen her one on one I would have broken down and told her everything, and it would have ruined her big moment. I promised her that I would stay for a few days, and I will, but tonight is her night, for her to revel in her achievement. Tomorrow I’ll sit down with her and explain what’s going on. The only thing I can’t tell her is who the father is. It’s best that I keep that piece of information a secret…from everyone.