Enchanted and Desired (28 page)

How did I not see it coming? I thought she loved me back. I thought that she wanted me, that she needed me, just as much as I needed her.

As I slide down the tiles to the floor in a crumpled mess I drop my head, broken, battered and bruised…my body, my mind and what’s left of my useless shell of a heart. I let my grief take over. I would have given her anything and everything she wanted in this life, if only she could have loved me. I have failed again, on an epic scale. I couldn’t protect
myself
from Jess, and I obviously didn’t protect
her
from the demons that continue to plague her. I’m so disappointed in myself. I swore after Sofia that I would always protect the ones I love.

The rest of the evening comes flooding back as I curl into the corner of the shower, my arms around my knees as I try in vain to hold it together.

“Hey handsome, mind if I join you?” I’m sitting propped up at the bar of a complete dive, the sting of my new tattoo distracting me from the other ache that is now a constant presence in my life.

“Fuck if I care.”

“You sure know how to sweet talk a girl.”

Who the fuck does she think she’s talking to? “Do I LOOK like I need to sweet talk a woman into bed sweetheart? They willingly drop their panties for me like the good little sluts that they are. Is that what you’re looking for baby? Hop the fuck on.”

“Asshole.”

She turns and walks away, but I’m too drunk to care, or to keep my mouth shut. “You’re right honey, I act like a complete fucking asshole. Do you know why? Because women like you LET ME! Dumb whores that can’t bend over quick enough for me.”

I’ve attracted an audience now. Four big guys are standing between me and the girl. “I think you need to apologize to the lady.”

“Pffftt! LADY? Don’t make me laugh.”

The bartender leans over the bar. “I think it’s time you leave before you get yourself into trouble.”

The guys now surrounding me seem to be getting larger. “Listen to him...dickhead. Get out before we throw you out on your ass.”

“I’d like to see you fucking try.” My fist connects with his jaw before he knows what’s hit him. I’m fighting all four of them, punch after punch, taking blow after blow. I’m holding my own with these guys, but I’m out numbered and I’m fucking off my face drunk. Two of them grab a hold of my arms, one on either side of me as a third guy gives me a swift knee to the stomach. I drop to my knees, and just before his fist slams into my face I hear a siren in the distance. The door opens and in walk two police officers. I slump to the floor when the guys holding me let go, before being I’m hauled to my feet, cuffed and taken out into the back of the squad car. That is the last I remember.

The water turns cold in the shower, jolting me back to the here and now. I look at my body, beginning to notice the bruises, the tell-tale signs of the night before. No wonder I feel like shit. As I step out the shower and grab a towel, I can see my back in the mirror. There in big black scroll – TESORO – in permanent ink between my shoulder blades. FUCK. I will NEVER say that word out loud again. It physically hurts. How is it possible to love someone so goddamn much, and hate them in equal measure at the same time? I don’t know how many times I’ve gone over that night in my head. What could I have done differently to make her stay? If I had never asked her to move in, would we still be together now? So many questions that I can never answer. And even if I could, it wouldn’t change the outcome. I wasn’t enough for her. I wanted to build a life and a future and a family with her, and she didn’t want it…she didn’t want…me.

I quickly dress in a pair of black jeans and a white T-shirt that I keep here at the office. I don’t even bother with boxers because they’ll just be in the way later, when I find a hot chick to bang. Jess doesn’t want me, but there’s plenty of willing pussy in this city for me to lose myself in, and that’s exactly what I plan to do tonight.

Her tongue slips into my ear, sending a jolt straight to my dick as I grind into her on the dance floor; her nails digging into my ass, pulling me against her. I swear she’s trying to get off on my leg right here in the middle of the club.

“Let’s take this to my office baby.” Her eyes light up, her teeth biting into her bottom lip as she nods her agreement.

“You can take me any-where-you-want sailor.” I flinch at her term of endearment, but quickly shake it off. I drag her through the crowds, praying she’ll keep her mouth shut while I fuck her, or at least keep it wrapped around my cock. As soon as we’re behind closed doors she’s tearing at me like a deranged animal.

“You hungry for me baby? Why don’t you wrap those gorgeous lips of yours around my cock?” She immediately drops to her knees, unzipping my jeans, pulling my cock free. “That’s it. Open wide sweetheart.”

She doesn’t expect any preamble or pretense of romance, she just does exactly as I ask, fisting the base of my cock before taking it fully into her mouth. She quickly starts pumping and sucking me until I’m rock hard against her tongue. I close my eyes, distracted by her blonde curls bobbing up and down in front of me. As she picks up the pace I can feel myself getting closer, until visions of Jess on her knees flash into my head. Her luscious lips wrapped around me, her silken black hair flowing down her back as she teased me with her tongue, long torturous, luxurious licks; the scent of cherries intoxicating me as she worked me into a frenzy. She felt so fucking good. Her tiny satisfied moans vibrating along the length of me.

“That’s it Tesoro, take me as deep as you can. Can you feel how hard I am for you Jess?”

“My name’s Amy, but…”

“I don’t fucking care what your name is sweetheart. I just want to fuck you. Are you okay with that?”

“Yes.” She flicks her tongue over the tip of my cock, moaning her delight.

“I like Tesoro, you can call me that baby.”

As her lips return to the tip of my cock I’m shocked and fucking disgusted by myself. How could I call her that? As much as I need to shoot my load right now, this girl’s mouth is not going to cut it. I push her away.

“Just get out.”

“I’m not done. Let me make you feel good.”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!”

She gets up from kneeling on the floor for a fucking stranger, and grabs her bag. Before she slams the door behind her, she gives me a fucking death stare. “You’re a fucking psycho. I feel sorry for Jess…whoever the fuck she is.”

I pick up a glass from my desk and hurl it at the closed door. “FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.” It shatters all over the floor. I run my hands through my hair, feeling completely out of control of my own fucking life. “Why the fuck did you do this to me Jess?” I grab a new bottle of Jack taking a long swig before it joins the shattered glass on the floor. “I fucking LOVED you. I still fucking do. You ripped my goddamn heart out. Why can’t I hate you?”

I start throwing anything and everything I can get my hands on; my computer, iPad, even my fucking stapler off my desk crashes against the wall as I unleash all of my pent up rage from the past month. I have been so fucking numb, unable to feel anything beyond the crushing nothingness that the loss of her has left inside me.

“I JUST WANT TO FUCKING HATE YOU!”

I tip over my desk before picking up my chair and hurling it towards the bathroom door. It smashes to pieces, the door following suit. I don’t even recognize the strangled roar that escapes me as I drop down onto the only piece of furniture left in the room – the couch.

I take in the devastation around me, a perfect representation of the agony I feel, every minute of every day. I want her back so badly. With my elbows resting on my knees, I cradle my head in my hands, lost in my own despair. A captive of my own heartbreak. A prisoner of my godforsaken soul. I feel a tear drip down onto my palms, and I finally give in, letting myself feel the crushing loss of her, with only a bottle of Jack to comfort me. It’s hours before I finally pass out, the oblivion of a drunken sleep, a sweet release from the torment that awaits me in my waking hours.

Meanwhile

JESS

It’s been four weeks since I left everything behind in New York – my job, my apartment, Lily, and worst of all…Simon. I thought it would get easier as the days and weeks passed by, but it hasn’t. Every day I miss him more, and every day that I don’t hear his voice, a little part of me dies inside. A sick part of me hoped that he would fight for me, that he would text me or call me, or something, anything. I haven’t had a single message, voicemail or even a missed call from him. It hurts like hell, but I don’t know why I would expect anything different. I ripped his heart out and handed it to him on a platter before walking away from everything we had together. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

The driver is talking to me, but I can’t understand what he’s saying, he just sounds like white noise in the distance. I feel both numb, and completely overwhelmed by the depth of my heartbreak. I’m sobbing uncontrollably, fighting every instinct I have to go running back to Simon, groveling on my knees for his forgiveness. My cruel words to him play over and over on a loop, and I hate myself more than I ever have. The familiar pull of the abyss is calling to me, where I don’t have to feel anything – a dark lonely place where neither love nor hate can exist. It’s been my safe haven over the years. A coping mechanism to stop the negative from pulling me under for good. There have been a handful of times in my life over the past four years when I’ve contemplated what it would be like if the world stopped turning, if I jumped off of the crazy train…if I just…stopped.

When we pull up at the airport, I grab my bags and slowly make my way inside, taking one last glimpse around me, at New York, before I find a new place to call home for a while, or maybe forever. Airports are crazy places, filled with so much joy and so much sadness. People saying goodbye to their loved ones as they embark on new adventures, and people welcoming their loved ones back with open arms and happy tears. It’s a lonely feeling when you’re surrounded by so much love, and none of it is for you. No one is going to come and wish me well on my journey. No one even knows I’m here, or where I’m going. I don’t even know the answer to that yet. As I reach the desk I realize just how bad I must look. All puffy eyes and mascara smudges.

“Are you alright miss?”

“No…I mean yes, thank you. I’m just sad to be leaving.”

“And where are you heading today? How can I help?”

“I don’t really know. Where is the next available flight going?” The recognition I see on her face kills me. “Within the U.S.”

“Let me take a look for you.” She quickly taps away on her keyboard, deciding the course of my life, without even knowing it. “The next flight leaves in half an hour, going to Delaware.”

I screw my face up. “What about the next flight after that?”

She gives a light chuckle before going back to her screen. “Texas – Boarding in one hour.”

“I’ll take it.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know where in Texas? It’s a big state.”

“Not really. It doesn’t matter. I’ll take a one way ticket please.”

Her professional smile drops a little as she completes my request, handing me my boarding pass. “I hope you find what you’re looking for miss. Enjoy your flight.”

“Thank you.” I move at a snail’s pace amongst the sea of people bustling through the airport, eager to reach their destinations.