Enchanted and Desired (35 page)

I pull her naked body up and into my arms. “Jess. I love you more than you could ever understand. But we are…toxic. You can’t trust me to look after you and do what’s right for you; and I can’t trust that you won’t run away again. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to trust each other, and maybe we can do that to each other, tearing each other apart trying to hold on to a love that is so phenomenal, so all-encompassing, so all-consuming, and that burns so brightly it will becomes caustic. I would do that for you Tesoro. I would tear myself apart, and give you my broken heart a thousand times over. But it’s not just us now Jess, we have a baby to think about; a baby I want so badly it hurts. It’s a part of me, and it’s a part of you. I can’t be selfish. I’ve obviously failed you, or we wouldn’t be standing here, having this conversation that is breaking my heart all over again. I WON’T fail our baby Jess. I CAN’T live with that kind of failure.”

Tears are streaming down her flushed cheeks as she chokes out her plea. “Don’t do this Si. Please. I can’t do this without you.” I grab her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me.

“You will NEVER have to do this alone Tesoro. I will ALWAYS be here for you and the baby, but the only way I can do that, is if we’re not together right now.” Her face drops to my chest. “We’ll work it out baby…somehow. I promise. It will take time, and we’ll learn together, how to be a family, but we need to take it slow. Do you understand why I need to do this cara mia? Why I need this time? Why WE need this time? Tell me you understand.”

“I understand. I just don’t know how to live without this.” She places her hand on my chest…over my wildly beating heart. “The last two months have been a living hell.” She rests her head against my shoulder. “You’re all I’ll ever want or need Simon.”

“Tesoro. You are the love of my life. You will ALWAYS be everything to me. That’s why I can’t fail you again.” I kiss her head, my chest aching at the sound of her muffled cries. We stand like this until she has no more tears left to cry. “You need to rest baby.” I lift her into the bed, pulling the covers around her.

“Please don’t leave. Stay with me. At least until I fall asleep.”

I can’t deny her.

“Of course I will.” I lie on top of the covers, her head resting on my chest.

“Si…” Her voice is a whisper.

“Yes baby.”

“I noticed the tattoo on your back.” The silence is deafening as I wait for her reaction. “Why would you do that, after I treated you so badly?”

I stroke her hair as I give her an honest answer. “Because even in my darkest hour, I never stopped loving you…and you never stopped being my Tesoro.”

She cuddles into me a little tighter.

“Ti amo Simon.” My heart swells in my chest.

“I know baby. Now try to get some rest.” She falls asleep almost instantly, but I find myself unable to leave, lying with her for hours, staring at her stunning face, watching the rise and fall of her chest, wondering how the hell I’m going to do this. I’ve never had to put someone else’s wants and needs above my own, but I need to now. Our baby needs to have a stable home, and all the love and attention that they deserve. Jess and I can never be that stable force if we continue to tear each other apart with the depth of our love for each other.

We were meant to be, but sometimes, love and passion and a connection so fierce it is a physical presence in the room around us, just isn’t enough. Especially not when it will affect our baby.

It is 3am before I can bring myself to leave her, my sleeping beauty, destined to be mine, but always just out of my reach. I’ll do my fucking best to bring us back together, so that maybe, just maybe, we can have the future together that I so desperately crave with every fiber of my being.

JESS

I open my eyes, slowly coming round from the best sleep I’ve had in months, with the smell of Simon still lingering on my pillow, aware of a presence in the room with me. In my sleepy haze I remember asking him to stay with me until I fell asleep last night, and I’m so happy that he stayed. There was an awful moment when I thought he was going to leave and never come back. I turn to face him, but I’m more than a little surprised by the face that is staring back at me.

“Holy shit. Fuck a duck Lil.”

“Morning sunshine.” She’s amused with herself. I’m just confused.

“What are you doing here?”

“Em…I used to live here, and you’re still my best friend.” I can see she’s holding something back from me.

“Spit it out Lil, you’re a terrible liar.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile. “Simon called me last night and told me that you might need your best friend today. He wouldn’t tell me anything more than that, said it wasn’t his place, but he didn’t want you to wake up alone. I came over a few hours ago and you looked so peaceful, so I just crawled in next to you like old times. I hope that’s okay?”

“Of course it is. I don’t deserve you, you know that right?”

“You
deserve
a smack in the face for leaving me without a word. I’ve aged about ten years in the past two months worrying about your crazy ass.”

I drop my head, completely ashamed of myself. “I’m so sorry Lily. Truly. If I could go back and change it, I would.”

She pulls me into her arms. “Please, just tell me what’s going on Jess.” Her delicate perfume and the familiar scent of her shampoo gives me so much comfort. I fall apart in her arms. “You’re scaring me. What’s so bad that you had to run away?”

I take a deep breath and say the words that scare me half to death.

“I’m pregnant.” She crushes my body against her own, as if somehow I’ll become a part of her if she squeezes me tight enough.

“Holy shit Jess. I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with this on your own. Is it…Simon’s?” I push myself out of her grasp.

“Of course it’s Simon’s. How could you even ask that?”

“Because you just packed up your shit and left him behind. Why wouldn’t you tell him?”

“He knows now. I told him last night.”

“No wonder he sounded like shit when I spoke to him. God Jess. You have no idea how much that man loves you. He was a mess when you left.”

“I didn’t tell him, because he said he didn’t want kids. I didn’t want to trap him.” She’s shaking her head, a sad, disappointed look on her face.

“Jess, people say stupid stuff all the time. You should have given him the benefit of the doubt. He loves you more than anything. You should have trusted him.”

“I know that now. When I told him, he said the only reason he said he didn’t want kids was so that I didn’t get spooked and run away from him again. I’m such a freaking idiot Lily. I know I should have trusted him. I’ve ruined everything.”

“What happened when you told him?”

“He was angry, and disappointed that I didn’t confide in him. We talked, we made love, I messed things up again.”

“Wait…what?”

“I asked him if it was safe for the baby that we had sex without a condom. I know he must have slept with a lot of women while we were apart and I was worried.”

“Oh Jess. Come on. You know him better than that. He would
never
put you or the baby in danger. He might be a man whore when he’s heartbroken, but you are
everything
to him.”

“I know, okay, I screwed up. He said he can’t trust me, and that I don’t trust him. He agreed to try and give us another chance, but he wants to take it slow. I can’t mess this up again Lil. I want to make it work with him and the baby. I want us to be a family.”

“Well stop running Jess. It hurts everyone that cares about you. If you do it again, he’s not going to be so forgiving. You
broke
him when you left.”

“What happened?” She takes a moment to think before she answers.

“Normally I would tell you to ask him, but I don’t think that will help either of you right now. So I’ll tell you.”

She fills me in on everything that happened while I was gone – the drinking, the women, the complete disregard for his own wellbeing, and even his night in jail. My heart breaks all over again, realizing just how much I’ve hurt him.

“When he came back from Dallas, he just shut down. He cleaned up his act. There were no more women, and no more drinking, but he was lost Jess. Really fucking lost. Brandon was worried that he wasn’t going to get over you…ever. You know I love you, you’re my family, but I was so damn angry at you for leaving this shit storm behind. You can’t treat people that you
say
you love, like that.”

“I’m so sorry Lily. I fucked up.” She pulls me close.

“Yeah, you did, but you’re back now, and we all still love you…including Simon. You’re not alone in this. We’re all going to be here for you and the baby. You need to prove to Si that you can be trusted with his heart, and you need to learn to trust him with yours. He’s completely and utterly head over heels in love with you Jess. Embrace it and cherish it.”

“I will. I promise. Thank you Lil. I love you.”

“Love you too Jester.”

We spend the rest of the day together, catching up on the two months that we’ve been apart. I get to hear all about Lily’s book and what’s been going on with her and Brandon. Now that she’s focusing on writing, Brandon has finally convinced her to give up the blogging job and he’s planning to take some time off so that they can travel together.

Lily is already insisting that she won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, especially not before the baby is born. A better friend would argue with her, but I’m selfish; I want her with me through this; and I know Simon will appreciate having Brandon to talk to as we try to find our way back to each other and prepare to become parents.

When I finally curl up in bed, I can still smell a hint of Simon on the pillow. I lift my phone from the nightstand, debating whether or not it’s a good idea to send him a message so soon, but in the end, I can’t help myself.

Me: Thank you for sending Lily. It was exactly what I needed.

Si: You’re welcome Tesoro. I only wish I didn’t have to leave you lying there looking like an angel.

Me: Why did you?

Si: Because I want this to work. I want you so badly it hurts. I don’t want to ruin it by jumping straight back in where we left off.

Me: I understand. I just miss you.

Si: I miss you too cara mia. Now get some sleep beautiful girl. We’ll talk tomorrow.

Me: Ok

Si: I love you Tesoro. Never doubt it.

Me: I love you too. Night x

Si:
Buonanotte x
[Goodnight]

I snuggle down into my covers, a smile on my face, and a glimmer of hope in my heart.

Simon and I spend the rest of the week speaking on the phone and texting. The day I went to visit my parents and tell them I’m pregnant, Si left a package with the front desk so that when I got back I had a box full of my favorite candy and potato chips. I called him as soon as I opened it…well maybe not right away…I MAY have wolfed down an entire bag of Hershey’s kisses, like a complete pig, and then I called him! We spoke for hours, and I admitted the Hershey incident, which had him laughing his head off at me and calling me his little piggy for the rest of the night. As long as I’m his, I don’t care if I’m a girl, a piggy or a flying horse.