Enchanted and Desired (40 page)

She spins around to face me, frantic and distraught.

“Have you slept with a lot other girls while we’ve been together?”

“What the FUCK? That’s a fucking leap. So I’ve gone from getting a number I
didn’t
want, to fucking her at your birthday party, to sleeping with multiple women while I’ve been dating you?”

“You’re avoiding answering me. How many?” The detached, cold tone of her voice devastates me.

“NONE. I don’t know how else to say it. Zilch, Nada, Zero…fucking NONE!”

“DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME SIMON!!! I see the way women look at you. You click your fingers and they come running, with their panties at their ankles.”

“OH MY GOD! I don’t fucking WANT anyone else Jess. Goddamn-it!!”

“So you’ve miraculously changed from a man whore who likes fucking two women at once, to being a stand up family man, content and completely satisfied with just me? Not fucking likely! I’m not
that
good a lay, and I’m NOT going to sit around here with our baby, while you’re off fucking whoever you damn well please at the club every night. I’m
not
going to be that person again.”

I am fucking dumbstruck.

“I can’t stand here and listen to you tear me apart for no good fucking reason. This is all on you. If you can’t trust me over something as easily explained as this, then there is no hope for us. I actually feel sick to my stomach that you could think, even for a second, that I would cheat on you. It’s even worse that you think I would do it when you’re carrying my child. My enemies hold me in higher esteem that you do Jess.”

I start pacing the floor, feeling like the walls are closing in all around me.

“I can’t do this Jess.” She’s breaking my fucking heart all over again.

“I will be there for you and the baby 100%, whatever you need. But us…I don’t think there can BE an ‘us’ anymore. Too much has happened. We’re not good for each other. We’re toxic together; explosive in the best and worst possible ways. I need to put the baby first now, ahead of my own wants and desires. And God do I want you Jess. Never doubt that. But if you can’t trust me, then we have nothing.”

The tears fall from her eyes, and all I want to do is hold her and tell her that everything is going to be alright.

“There are three people in our relationship Jess. You, me…and Gavin. You can’t live your life expecting every guy to be like him. He was a dick that didn’t deserve you. I’m the guy that would throw himself under a bus, rather than hurt you like he did. I would give up everything I have to be with you Jess, to have you trust me; to have you trust that what we have is special.”

She takes a step towards me but I can’t let her touch me, not just now.

“You’re ripping my heart out all over again.” My voice is thick with the hurt that is forming a ball in my throat, closing off my air supply. “You promised me. You asked me to take the leap with you and trust you. I did that.
You
are the one that can’t be trusted, not me. I’ve never given you any reason not to trust me. You on the other hand, have pushed me away, and run away from me more times than I can count. I’m not made of steel Jess. You can’t just keep doing this to me and expect me not to break.”

I scrub my hand over my stubble, struggling to contain my devastation.

“You walked away from me when I put my heart on the line for you, and it damn near killed me. I can’t trust you not to do it again Jess, not after your clear lack of faith in us tonight. I need to walk away from this before you break me beyond what I can come back from. I can’t become that guy. I don’t
want
to be that guy. I’m going to be a father.”

I close the distance between us, pulling her close, kissing her forehead. I reach into my jacket pocket to pull out her birthday present; still clinging to her, as I find her hand close it around the box.

“If you ever doubt where my heart and my loyalties lie, look at this Tesoro. You ARE my heart, but you can’t be trusted to cherish it the way
I
cherish yours.”

I try to pull away, but she holds on tight.

“I need to go. I’m sorry.” I prise her hands from around my waist. “I’ll be in touch soon to help you get organized for the baby. Anything you need, you just have to ask. You will always be the love of my life Jess. Nothing will ever change that. I’m just hoping that one day, you realize that.”

She lets me leave without a word. She doesn’t put up a fight for me. She has
never
put up a fight for me, and that’s part of the problem.

JESS

Simon and I haven’t seen each other since the night of my birthday party; since I let him just walk out the door without asking him to stay. I don’t know why I did that, I’ve asked myself why, every day since it happened. I love him more than anything in the world, but I let the part of me that is ruled by my past, by Gavin, take over. I just shut down.

When Simon left, I sat for at least an hour staring into nothingness, before I opened his gift. The most stunning locket I’ve ever seen, engraved with our initials on either side of a gorgeous red ruby. Inside – a picture of us together in Verona, and a picture of our baby. It’s the most thoughtful, heartfelt gift anyone has ever given me.

I immediately put it on, and I haven’t taken it off since. When I touch my hand to the cool metal, I remember his words to me -
If you ever doubt where my heart and my loyalties lie, look at this Tesoro. You ARE my heart, but you can’t be trusted to cherish it the way I cherish yours.

I know he’s right. I don’t deserve his heart. I’ve done nothing but batter and bruise it, and break it beyond repair, since the moment we met.

I’ve cried so many tears, I’m surprised that my eyes haven’t dried out yet. From one day to the next I go from inconsolable, uncontrollable sobbing, to a steely determination to win Simon back, to earn his trust, to make myself worthy of his love again.

I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and call him so many times, a text, an email, anything to be in contact with him, and every time, I stop myself, unsure of what to say, scared that he will reject me, that he’ll dash what little hope I’m hanging onto, that I can make things right.

After six days of staring at my phone, I finally plucked up the courage to text and ask him to come to my OB/GYN appointment with me. He was the one that suggested we go out for lunch first and have a talk about where we go from here. I know he meant what we’re going to do about the baby, how it will work when we’re not a couple, but I’m hoping that I will be able to change that, because this past week has been unbearable. I’ve missed him every minute of every day.

I have some serious freaking groveling to do, but I will do anything it takes to make things right between us. I really messed up last week; I let my insecurities get the better of me, and I punished Simon for Gavin’s mistakes…again.

I’m nervous as hell about seeing Simon today. After our fight last week and our break up, I feel like this is my last chance to make things right. Maybe that ship has already sailed, but I need to at least try.

I’ve not been feeling so great since I got up this morning, but I’m putting it down to nerves. I haven’t been able to eat anything, worrying about what I’m going to say to Simon when I see him. I’ve been getting shooting pains in my stomach, but they pass quickly. I’m not particularly worried about it, I’m 30 weeks along now and the midwife said I could start getting Braxton Hicks contractions around this time.

I’m excited to let Simon feel the baby kicking. It’s been a quiet little thing for the most part, but today it’s kicking the hell out of me and I can actually see my belly moving. It’s amazing and mind-blowing, and I want to share it with him. I want to share everything with him.

Time seems to drag this morning. I’m ready way too early, hair and make-up flawless, a pretty maternity dress that accentuates my bump, just the way Si likes it. The only thing left for me to do is take my daily pregnancy vitamins. I head into the bathroom to get them from the cabinet, when an agonizing pain rips through my body.

I manage to grab hold of the edge of the sink, curling my fingers around it so tight that my knuckles turn white. I’m trying to breathe through the pain, but it’s stealing my breath away as I try to take even the tiniest of gasps. I feel like a red hot knife has been thrust into my abdomen, and dragged from one side of me to the other.

My vision goes blurry as my knees buckle under the intense pain, and I drop to the floor, twisting onto my side, trying anything to alleviate this unbearable torture that is wreaking havoc on my body. I don’t have my phone with me, it’s sitting on the kitchen counter. I know I need to get to it and call Simon, but I can’t move. I can feel the tears streaming down my face as I rock myself, breathing through the overwhelming pain.

My brain starts playing tricks on me, taking me back four years to the last time I felt anything even close to this level of pain. I can hear Gavin’s voice, cold, cruel, and evil – taunting me, scaring me, threatening me.

My brain snaps back into the present when I feel a gush of warmth between my legs. I can see crimson liquid running down my legs and onto the floor tiles; a stark, terrifying contrast to the cold white marble.

“Oh God, No. Please, not again. Not our baby. Not Simon’s baby.”

With every movement I make, there’s a searing, burning pain, crushing me from the inside, but my instincts kick in and I force myself up onto my hands and knees, my body shaking against this brutal internal assault. I slowly crawl towards the bathroom door, but the energy I expel to make it 6ft to the entrance is too much for me and I slump against the heavy wooden door frame. I shift my gaze to where I’ve just come from, and all I see are streaks of dark red blood.

An anguished sob rips from my throat, staring at the evidence that something is very wrong. My baby is in danger and needs my help. I cling to that thought, using it to dull the excruciating agony, channeling what little energy I have left into moving my muscles, making my arms and legs work together to pull me out into the hallway.

The distance between where I am, and the kitchen, seems like an insurmountable task; my phone, high up on the counter, an impossible goal. The feeling of blood trickling down my legs is a constant reminder that I need to keep moving; I need to get help; I need Simon.

Every move forward is a victory, every look back, a defeat. The trail of blood behind me is petrifying. I’m starting to feel drowsy, my head dipping, my consciousness teetering on the edge. I can’t see straight, through the torrent of tears that are coursing down my cheeks.

“Simon. Please. I need you.”

Through my silent pleas, I know that he will be expecting me, he’ll wonder why I haven’t shown up. The fear that he’ll think that I just ran away the same way I always do, is a devastating blow.

“Please have faith in me.”

I am hoping beyond hope that he
will
come to my rescue. That he
will
come looking for me.

I hear my cell ringing, vibrating against the counter top; I’m so close, and yet so far away from the help on the other end of the phone. I feel like every ring is mocking me, provoking me, making me angry that I can’t reach it.

“Goddamn-it. Why is this happening to me?”