Enchanted and Desired (47 page)

Eight Weeks Later

JESS

Today is my due date. The day Verona was supposed to be born. It’s strange. You have all these preconceived ideas of what it’s going to be like when you have a baby; of what the birth is going to be like. You read books like ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’, thinking that once you’re past the first trimester, you have nothing to worry about.

My main concern just before Verona was born, was what tracks I wanted on my birthing playlist. Never in my wildest dreams would I have come up with what actually happened to me.

I missed my daughter’s birth. She was pulled from my body, distressed and premature. She wasn’t ready to face the world, and I wasn’t awake to reassure her that everything was going to be alright. I’ve replayed and relived that day so many times in my mind. The feeling of dread thinking I was going to die; waking up to find out that my baby was born prematurely; being told that I would never have any other children. No one should have to deal with such a diverse range of emotions in such a short space of time.

There have been so many nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep – for the loss of even the possibility of giving Simon a son. I would give anything to have a little boy that looked exactly like his daddy, and it’s a struggle to come to terms with the fact that I can never give him that.

He has been amazing these past two months; so loving, and patient, and understanding. When I finally broke down and told him my darkest secret, he opened his arms to me and loved me even more. He listened without judgment and looked for the positive.

When I asked him to give me another chance and for us to live together, he didn’t hesitate, not even for a second, giving me unconditional love and trust. I know how hard that must have been for him, but he did it anyway, for me, and for our daughter.

We have spent every day at the hospital, watching Verona improve with every tube and machine that has been removed and rendered unnecessary. We’ve celebrated these small victories in our daughter’s little life. Every day we got to hold her for longer, getting to know her better, seeing her tiny personality shining through, even in the face of adversity.

Over the weeks, I’ve become stronger, my body healing, my mind coming to terms with everything that has happened. Simon and I are closer than we have ever been. I’ve always used my looks with men, confident in the effect my body would have on them, and that has changed dramatically.

I struggle with my self-confidence. When I stand and stare at my reflection in the mirror, it feels like I’m looking at someone else’s body. The scars from my emergency surgery are still red and tight; my skin looks different, the muscles underneath lacking any form of toning. I’m still carrying an extra ten pounds, but I’m so exhausted with the hospital visits and my own recovery that I’ve just let Simon feed me. He’s like an old Italian woman! Like his aunt – always trying to feed me something, telling me I need to keep my strength up.

The hospital said it would be at least six weeks before I could have any sexual activity again, but that just wasn’t realistic for us. Our connection is too primal for that length of time apart. Simon has been so careful with me, treating me like I could break from the slightest touch, but he’s definitely creative when it comes to finding other ways to satisfy our desire for one another.

The night that we first made love again was so special to me; I have never felt so completely loved and accepted for who I am. Simon made me feel truly beautiful for the first time in my life.

“Goodnight Tesoro.” He pulls me close against his naked chest as he breathes in my scent and kisses my hair. My heart is pounding in my chest, the ache between my legs growing with every day that passes.

“Are you okay baby? I can feel your heart racing.” I turn in his arms to face him, nervous of what I’m about to say.

“Make love to me Simon.” His eyes are tender and filled with desire, searching mine to make sure this is what I want.

“I don’t want to hurt you. We can wait.” I grab his face in my hands, feeling the scruff on his jawline scraping against my palms, placing a soft kiss on his gorgeous mouth, before nibbling and sucking on his bottom lip.

“I don’t want to wait any longer. Please, make love to me.” I’m underneath him in seconds, but he’s careful not to put his weight on my stomach.

He starts at my neck, kissing just under my ear, before working his way down. I can feel my body start to tingle all over, the familiar jolt of anticipation coursing through my veins, and when his lips brush over the tip of my nipple I can’t help but cry out with pleasure, moaning his name as I begin to writhe under his expert touch. He makes a move to throw the covers off of us, but I try to pull them back up without ruining the moment, conscious of my scars. He stops kissing me, lifting his gaze to mine.

“What’s wrong?” I throw my hand up over my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears I can feel welling up inside.

“My body. It’s disgusting now. I have scars. I don’t look the same.” I feel his warm, strong hand, pulling my arm down, forcing me to look at him. All I see staring back at me in his beautiful chocolate brown eyes, is love.

“You are more beautiful to me now, than you have ever been Tesoro. Do you know what I see when I look at your scars?”

“No.” My voice is a whisper, thick with unshed tears.

“I see strength and courage. I see a survivor. I see the love of my life and the mother of my child; you’re fucking breath-taking Jess.” I shy away, shifting my head to the side, but Simon uses one finger to guide me back to him.

“You need to wear these scars with pride Jess. They are a part of who you are. You have come through so much, and you’ve done it by yourself. It’s all you cara mia. You are amazing and I am in awe of you every single day. Please, don’t ever think that you are anything less than stunning. I love your scars. Without them, we wouldn’t have our precious baby girl, and you wouldn’t be here with me now. I will always love these scars – they mean…LIFE.”

He takes his time, kissing every inch of each scar, making me feel wanted; making me feel desired; making me feel whole again, and when he gently pushes inside of me, I feel a wave of relief wash over me; my body responding to the physical connection I crave with every fiber of my being. There’s some pain after my operation, but the pleasure I feel being connected to Simon again, far outweighs any discomfort.

“Are you okay baby?” His voice low and tender, thick with his own desire.

“Yes. Please don’t stop.” He slowly starts to move, rocking in and out of me, savoring every gentle thrust. The expert roll of his hips on every downward thrust has me panting beneath him, perched on the edge of an explosive release.

“Come with me Tesoro. I need to see you, to feel you come apart for me.” He never loses control, pushing in and out of me in measured, leisurely thrusts, working my clit with his thumb, slowly building us higher and higher, until I can’t take it anymore. It’s like rolling waves, crashing over me; intense and profound, overwhelming me time and time again, over and over until I’m moaning his name as he growls mine, finding his own release, joining me in a sea of ecstasy.

“Jess…Ti amo.” I wrap my arms and legs around his body, holding him close.

“I love you too.”

I will never forget that night as long as I live.

It’s time to go to the hospital and bring our baby girl home. I’m nervous and excited, checking that we have everything we need at least five times before we leave. Simon is so adorable right now, checking and rechecking the car seat, asking if we need another blanket for Verona, or if the jacket and onesie we packed are going to be warm enough.

“Okay. Let’s just stop. We’ve got everything we need. Let’s enjoy this moment. We get to bring our princess home today. We are finally going to be a family, here in our home, together.” That gets his attention and he stops what he’s doing, making his way over to where I’m standing.

“You’re right baby. We’ve waited long enough for this day to come. Let’s enjoy today. I can’t wait to have my two favorite girls under one roof. Let’s go and bring our daughter home.”

We arrive at the hospital to find all of the doctors and nurses who have helped Verona on her journey, gathered around her crib with balloons and teddies and presents for her. She’s made a lasting impression on everyone that has come into contact with her. A tiny person that has made a big difference to so many people’s lives already.

When I lift her into my arms today, it feels different somehow. Knowing that I don’t have to let her go; that I don’t have to say goodbye at the end of the day; that she’s finally going to be where she belongs – with me and Simon.

It’s a teary goodbye when we leave. So many people to thank for doing so much for our baby girl. Words could never really convey just how grateful we are for everything they’ve done for her.

The drive home is…slow. Simon’s wary of every other driver on the road, slowing down to twenty miles an hour, just in case he needs to break for another car. We find ourselves laughing, knowing just how ridiculously over cautious we’re being, but we get there in the end!

When he opens the door to our apartment, I feel the change as soon as I step inside with Verona in my arms. There is a tangible shift; our home is finally complete. We have a quiet, wonderful first night at home together - our little family. Simon is lying on our bed with Verona sleeping on his chest, like a little starfish, her arms and legs spread wide, clinging to her daddy, perfectly content.

I’m curled into his side, his arm wrapped around me as he watches our girl sleeping, transfixed by the tiny rise and fall of the cute little pink bundle on his chest. I am mesmerized by them both. There is something about watching a strong, alpha male like Simon, being so tender and loving with a baby. It melts my heart.

I never thought I would have this – a man that loves me unconditionally, a baby girl to love and cherish. They are such a gift in my life, and the fact that I am lucky enough to be here with them is the greatest gift I will ever have.

I spent the past few years of my life keeping people at arm’s length, trying to fix what had been broken. The moment Simon walked into my life, he changed that, forcing his way into my heart, whether I liked it or not. I will always be grateful to him for not giving up on me, for continually pushing me to open up to him, to let him heal me, to let him love me for who I am.

It’s been a long and bumpy road for us to get to where we are now, with a lot of heartache along the way, but we’re stronger for it. He’s given me more chances than I deserve. He believed in me, in us, when I didn’t have the strength to; and he saved my life two months ago, giving me the opportunity to raise our beautiful baby girl with him. I am his, in every sense of the word, in every way possible. Simon Mantovani is ‘the one’, he is everything to me, and I will make sure he knows that, every minute of every day, for as long as we both shall live…

Ten Months Later

SIMON

The sun is shining in Central Park today, the birds are chirping, and I’m surrounded by family and friends to celebrate my baby girl’s first birthday. I can’t believe it’s been a year since our life was turned upside down. It’s amazing how much one tiny little human can change every aspect of your life.

Nothing can prepare you for how you’re going to feel when you become a parent. The fear, the worry, and the love you feel for this helpless little baby, from the moment you lay eyes on them – it’s fucking amazing.