Ever So Madly (20 page)

Chapter Forty

Madden

“Those can’t be the last words we say to each other, Jocelynn, they can’t be.” I said the words as much to myself as I did to her, knowing she was thousands of light years away, while I was standing back in my shop. I hadn’t heard a word from her, and I’d sent more than a few messages. I didn’t know if she was ignoring me or couldn’t contact me. My chest heaved as I drew in ragged breaths. Tightness gripped my throat, and I sank to my knees realizing I had no way to say the words to her. No word and then this? I had to clear my head. I didn’t know what to think about it all. If she followed through with this, I had no means to contact her. She took it all, yanked it away, but yet I wasn’t mad at her.

I was a wound, and she was trying to heal herself.

If she didn’t forget about me it would never close. But I couldn’t. There was no way I could forget about her. I blew my hair out of my face and rested my hands on my work bench. My mind struggled to find a solution for the problem.

“Fuck.” I picked up a wrench and threw it as the wall. It hit the stone block, and dust exploded behind it as the metal shattered part of the stone, coating my floor.

My anger was becoming impossible to control. I drew in a shaky breath. What could I do? There was no rescuing her from her castle. I was an engineer on a mining world. What she had seen in me in the first place I would never know. I didn’t deserve her, and maybe she’d come to realize it. The thought was like a knife between my ribs. I’d been there with her. I refused to believe she didn’t feel as I do.

The door to my room banged open, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Colton standing there with a bandana over his face. He hadn’t knocked, and he didn’t wait for an invitation. I knew what he wanted when I spotted the helmet under one arm. I dropped my gaze back to my bench, gripping the edge of the reader harder than was good for it to disguise the shake in my hand. I had six open books lying across it, and none of them held my attention.

“Madden!”

I blinked a few times and looked over at him. “What?”

After the night of fitful sleep with her arms around me in the matrix I hadn’t slept another night. The sleep deprivation weighed on me. My eyes flickered up to the screen.

“You seem distracted. You have something invested in this?” He gestured at the vids which had been covering the games.

It was stupid of me to be watching it out in the open like I was. It was out of character, and I could see it in Colton’s face.

“Just fucked that so much press is spent on this crap.” I laughed it off and tried to focus on one of the books I was working on. Why did this of all days have to be a light day?

I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t look back at him.

“It is … but it never bothered you before,” he pressed.

I swallowed hard and turned to meet his gaze. “I, errr.” I screwed up my face. I was a terrible liar.

“There is something you’re keeping from me. All your sneaking off and how busy and distant you’ve been.” He took a step toward me.

I glanced around the junk facility. The others were packing our gear up for the exploration trip. One I wasn’t going on because I hadn’t trained on the type of jump they were doing.

“I shouldn’t tell you,” I hedged.

“We were like brothers before you went there, and you come back and you’re distant and haunted. What the fuck happened to you?” His voice got louder as he spoke.

I owed him everything, the job as I would never get my former one back, my life, more than once, and the distraction I needed after I got back. I would be on the street by now if it wasn’t for the job. Hell, he’d even cleaned up my bike and kept her in shape.

I sighed, gesturing for him to get closer.

“It can’t be that big a deal…” he said, but he moved closer, humoring me. “Not like you were fuckin’ her.” He thumbed at the screen.

My face gave it all away.

He staggered back gasping, eyes wide like he’d seen the spirit of his dead wife. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I put my face in my hands almost laughing. “I’m not.” I had never really thought anyone would believe me.

“She was slumming it?”

I shrugged one shoulder. Jocelynn would never say it, and when I was with her I believed her, but those hours between the darkness crept in and parts of me thought I had been a rebellious streak.

“That’s why you got sent home?”

I glanced up at him. “Yeah.”

“Shit.” He looked back up at her on the screen. I took a breath, hating Colton a little for bringing her up. I shook my head, trying to appear calm. He side-eyed me but didn’t say anything.

“It’s nothing. It’s over. I haven’t heard from her.”

Colton arched one brow. “There is something you’re still not telling me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, and his eyes flickered back to the vids going a little wide.

I cairned my neck to find Phillip ushering her into her new title. I groaned inwardly.

“Come on let’s go,” I said, having the sudden urge to get trained on blind jumps.

“Go?” Colton stared at me. “We haven’t trained you for the dark jumps.”

I gave Jocelynn once more glance, seeing Phillip cupping her face. He paused for a minute and then kissed her.

I screamed inside. I begged her to push him off. But she did nothing. She set her hands over his on her face like she had done with me so many times and kissed him back.

It was now clear what she’d been doing in the week on the star cruiser with him.

It was like a charge to the heart. I’d lived on ten different worlds, and lived through hell, but I would live through it a hundred times over to never have to see another man kiss her.

“I don’t give a shit.” I grabbed my gear bag and hoisted it over my shoulder.

“No one is worth this. Come on, Mad.” He grabbed my arm, and I spun on him throwing a fist. He blocked it and grabbed me by the shirt. “Madden, I swear to fuck.”

“If I stay here I won’t be able to take my eyes off that.” I pointed at the screen behind his head. “Take me with you. Then take me to see the Reds.” When he opened his mouth, I cut him off. “Don’t. I’ve been told you’re a part of them.”

He knit his brow. “I’ve been trying to get you to a meeting for years and this does it?”

“Well I went while I was there. They’ve already helped me some. I know they were there last night. I want off this planet.” I swallowed hard after I said the last word. If I left the planet I wouldn’t have reliable access to the nets, which meant no more Jocelynn.

“Are you sure? This isn’t something you can take lightly, or back for that matter.” Colton’s usual calm demeanor had turned harsh.

“I’m already in. Now, I just want off world. They won’t complain. Make it happen.” I shoved out of his grasp and walked toward the crew. I didn’t have time to mess with their internal politics. They’d come to collect sooner or later, and I was ready for sooner.

“I don’t have as much clout as you think I do.”

“Bullshit.” I looked over my shoulder. “Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

He stared me down, but I turned my back once again. “Well even if she is the catalyst I won’t complain. Let’s go.”

We loaded the gear into the lift doubt checking that we had everything for a blind jump. We were going to explore a deep vein of Ore that ran off from the bottom of the pit, and was believed to run straight to the core. One side of the vein had been opened up with electron drilling, and the next step was to send a crew in to stabilize the tunnel so the mining crews could get in there.

We loaded in the large temp expanders we would set as we went. All the base structure had to be marked out, and the supports had to be installed and tested. Colton, who usually worked beside us for all the heavy lifting, was missing. He’d ducked off with some excuse of needing to talk to a captain. I wiped the sweat from my brow and stepped out to look up toward the sliver of visible light at the top of the cavern. We were already miles underground, and we were going further. Suddenly the memory of being buried alive in a box had new meaning. I swallowed past the fear and turned to find Colton already rigged up checking over the gear.

“Going to be a long one. I’m thinking three days for the initial at least,” he said when he caught my gaze.

“Good.” I waited for him to say another word.

“You are a royal pain in my arse, and if you get yourself killed I’m going to celebrate,” he said when I looked back up. The job description had the same appeal to most as climbing down an unstable crater in the dark with risk of cave in at any moment. Colton loved it, but he had a hard time keeping people. His losses were less than a team member a year, which was the best of the scouts, but it wasn’t a job most sane people volunteered for.

“You and me both.” I growled.

He stepped into the lift. “One day I’m going to kill you myself.”

I followed him with a swagger in my step. “I look forward to it.”

“You better stay by my side—”

He was cut off by a deep rumbling in the ground. Colton’s eyes flashed around, and then he started shoving people out of the lift. “Get the fuck out,” he screamed.

The floor started to pitch and roll. The lift shook violently, and the inhabitants descended into chaos, clawing over one another to escape. I was near the front and my feet found solid ground, but I fell to my knees as it rolled under me like the sea. I searched the bodies pouring from the lift looking for Colton. He was in the back helping the last of his crew, who was trapped under one of the beams. I staggered through the crowd, trying to get close enough to help.

An eerie groan cut through the yells. The supports to the lift were strained to the breaking point.

“Colton,” I yelled, but my voice didn’t cut through the noise. I started shoving men out of way as he threw the smallest of his team from the lift. It dropped a meter and tilted to one side as he tried to climb out. I dove forward reaching out for him as it groaned again. I braced one hand on the wall gripping his with the other to pull him out of the lift. We fell back to safety hearing another boom, deep in the center of the planet.

The aftershocks lasted a few minutes, and then the mine went deadly silent. Colton and I stared at each other. In another twenty minutes we would have been down there. I pushed to my feet and helped Colton up.

“Central command?” I asked wiping blood from my mouth. I was too filled with adrenaline to feel it, but I knew later I would be hurting.

He looked around at his crew. “We need to make ourselves scarce.” He grabbed me by the sleeve and pushed me toward one of the empty supply closet.

I staggered back, gripping his arms to steady myself. “What the hell?”

“I don’t want to be stuck cleaning this mess up for the next two days, and it’s better if you disappear. No one will ask questions, they’ll assume.”

I sucked in a breath. He was right. “You serious?”

“If you want to get off planet, there is a chance.”

Chapter Forty-One

Jocelynn

The world moved around me. I sat in the center of my balcony staring at the tiny greenish silver blip in the night sky. He was there. I felt like we were close, but impossibly far. My dress pooled around and I knew it would be ruined as the rain started to fall, but I couldn’t move. I was in pieces on the ground.

I beat my fists into the ground until they were bloody. I was so angry, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I couldn’t keep this stupid composure. I had to let out some of what I had bottled up inside.

“He’s not real,” I screamed. “He’s not real.” I gritted my teeth hugging my knees. I didn’t believe in true love. I didn’t believe in soul mates. One person couldn’t change that. I’d been resigned my whole life to marry who I was told. Akillie House honor. I was delusional if I thought this could have been more. I had duty and responsibility, and here I was like a stupid little girl upset over a boy not returning my messages. One who now only existed in a world I created in our minds. We could be anyone there. Nothing was real. I clawed my nails over my ruined make up.

He was right. The longer we let this go on the more pain it would cause us in the end. Why was it so easy for him to walk away? Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he was in the same state I was. I thought I knew him inside and out. I was shattered. I knew he would be, too. This was the worst time to doubt him. I picked up my comm and typed out a third and final message. I wouldn’t embarrass myself further.

J: I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

When had I become so pathetic? I didn’t send it. Vulnerable wasn’t me.

A shadow moved over me, and I looked back over my shoulder to find Jacob standing there. I looked up at him, not trying to hide my bloody hands. No shame.

“Madden?” he asked.

I nodded. “You don’t have to remind me. I’m an idiot. But even with all the pain it’s caused me, I still wouldn’t take back the time we’ve had. I would suffer ten times over for another day with him.”

He looked down on the damp dress then shrugged as he walked over the billowing fabric to take a seat next to me. “Come inside.”

I reached up to unpin my hair, letting it fall in tendrils down my back.

“I thought you ended things?” Jacob trailed his fingers down my back.

“And to think, I don’t do regrets. I was hasty. I can’t—” My throat went dry.

“I’m sorry, if I could change our birth order I would, even if it meant giving up all debauchery, but sadly we both know it wouldn’t change anything.” He laid his head on my shoulder, and I leaned into him. “He would have picked you no matter what. All that looking into birth order was merely him pleasing all those watching.” He turned more to look me in the eyes. “But J, it’s for the best.”

“Believe me I know. He doesn’t see your worth.” I glanced over at him. “Gavin is the closest I can get to Madden without going to Harden.” I pointed at the green planet hovering over the skyline.

“Somehow I don’t feel as if I’ve cheered you any, sister mine.”

I looked into his blue eyes seeing so much of myself reflected in his face. He carried the burden better. I knew he would never even be able to be with the gender he preferred, let alone someone he loved. We’d made a pact a long time ago to not let anyone have our hearts, and even when I’d broken it he was still here comforting me.

“I keep wondering how I breathed before. How each day passed and that piece wasn’t there. Somehow I functioned, but now that I know that piece is missing I can’t go back.” I knew I sounded stupid, and I doubted he would understand. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked up. It would be staring back at me whenever I looked up at the sky.

“When you’re Baroness, you can do as you please. The planet is within the stretch of our power. Can waiting be that painful?” He looked at me sternly when I shook my head.

“And I’ll be married to him by then.” The words tasted bad as they left my mouth. “As if anyone would let me choose who I want if I were Baroness today. It will be a ‘suitable’ mate that I can wear on my arm like a decoration, even if I wasn’t already practically promised to Phillip.”

“He’s a good match for you. Give it time.”

I looked at him hard. “Why are you pushing it?”

“Because he is smart, he doesn’t have only air in his head. It’s a first love, J, give it the rest of the season and it will fade.”

I wasn’t an idiot. Something wasn’t adding up.

“Too bad it’s a little late to disappear and give it all to you.” I lifted one wrist to look at the band there.

“As if anyone would let you do that for a fuck up like me.” He shook on it then pushed his fingers into my hair, and kicked his feet up on the rail.

I’d never said let. But I didn’t press the point. “You know you’ll be acting Baron when I am Empress, as Phillip has stated his intentions.”

“I guess I’ll have to step up then.” He rolled his eyes. “But can you do something about the Candor girl?”

I laughed for the first time in days because picturing Jacob with her was beyond amusing. I wanted to see the horrified look on his face when he saw her naked for the first time. At least I could fake this life enough to get by. If my parents knew what he was they would have suffocated him in the cradle.

“I almost think being born a miner on Harden would be preferable to this.” I closed my eyes and imagined Madden coming home to me after a long day’s work.

“Don’t drop your status that far. You’re used to quite a few luxuries absent from that world.” He gestured around us. The plates of food cast aside, I’d taken from the ceremony this morning. There were two chilled champagne bottles. I guessed he brought in with him still corked and full.

“I’m eighteen, and have thus been crowned. I couldn’t get rid of the title if I ran away. Upon the Baron’s death I will be found and made to rule.” I rolled my eyes, tapping the irremovable bracelets I wore. “I am shackled to it now, anyway.”

He traced his finger tip around the thin red bracelets. “I think you’re the first person to look at it that way, J.”

“I thought about cutting my hands off to remove them. Do you really think that isn’t on purpose?”

“At least you can live without hands?” He chuckled.

I glanced down at my dress. The color ran as the light rain soaked it, causing all the pigment to muddle at the bottom creating an ugly brown color. “Do you think anyone would want to be bound to me without hands?”

“You’re going to be more than bound to him after tonight.” He wiggled his brows.

I wrinkled my nose.

“He’s hot. I should be so lucky.” Jacob scoffed.

“That Candor girl is, too.”

It was his turn to wrinkle her nose. “You know what she’s missing?”

“Wit?”

He laughed. “Aside from that. A nice thick…”

“Don’t say it.”

“Like you don’t like to be fucked as much as I do.” He smiled sweetly.

I held up a hand, wrinkling my nose. “Can we change the subject?”

He was quiet for a moment then say. “You couldn’t have said no. You know it as well as I do.” He looked me in the eyes. “Don’t pretend it was a choice for either of you, and if it was, you made the wrong one. He can’t change who he is any more than you can change who you are.”

“I made the wrong one.” I stared back unwavering. “I am bound ’til death.”

“I think there is more to it than that. They started with this procedure so there was a true heir, to end the squabbling. It’s not a cage, J. This will give you all the freedom you want. And you know you’ll be good at it. You’ve been preparing for it your whole life.” He paused, and I knew he truly thought I was better suited for it than he was, but he was so smart. Smarter even than I was, he was just too lazy to put it to work. “Just the other day you gave the Baron the strategy to reroute the trade ships, and your insight about the attack at Caspian galaxy border.”

“You know Madden gave me half the information for that.” I hated when he denied what he was for me, and the Baron. I was good at strategy, but he was the science oriented one. He was too eager for me to do my duty. Something had changed. There was something I was missing, and I hated it.

“You still put it together.” He pushed to his feet. “Come drink this champagne with me.” He stepped off my dress and offered me his hands.

I rose to my feet and followed him into my room. I would drink with him, but he was right. I was a master of strategy, and I wasn’t using it. I had been slacking, not paying attention. That needed to change. It hit me suddenly as I watched him get up. As he helped me to my feet I lifted his comm from him.

He turned his back to pour us drinks, and I entered in Madden’s scan and sent a message from Jacob’s comm. I tucked it into my pocket before Jacob turned around offering me one of the drinks.

“Fuck him on the side once you’re settled into your position. Hell, take him as a personal slave.”

“You really think the Emperor will let his wife have a dick on the side.”

“When you put it that way.” He threw back his drink. “When you’re the one with the power in the relationship it’s different I guess.”

I nodded watching him drink. “It would work with a trophy husband, never with Phillip.”

He looked annoyed I’d seen through him. He was hiding something.

Jacob’s comm vibrated in my pocket. No matter who it was from, I’d learn something from the message. I had a feeling about it.