Authors: Michelle Betham
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Don’t make
me
the one who decides where we go from here, Jim. Don’t make
me
the one who has to make that decision.’
‘Someone else touched you, Amber. In the most intimate of ways. Someone else touched you. He’s been inside you, he saw things only I should be seeing…’
‘And isn’t that exactly what
you
were doing when I was with Ryan? Wasn’t that you? Weren’t
you
the one who’d turn up on my doorstep, smiling that smile and making me want you?’
‘That doesn’t make it okay.’
‘I never said it did.’
‘You weren’t married to Ryan.’
She looked into his eyes, once again holding the stare. ‘I almost was.’
He paused for a second before speaking. ‘But you weren’t, Amber.’ He paused again, their eyes still locked together, the air heavy with the intensity that surrounded them. ‘Do you wish you
had
married him?’
She couldn’t help laughing a short, cynical laugh. ‘Jesus, what the hell is that supposed to mean? No, I don’t wish I’d married him.’
‘You slept with another man, Amber.’
She shook her head, backing out of the room and running upstairs. What happened now she had no idea, all she knew was that everything was still as messed up and complicated as it had been before. Nothing was sorted, nothing felt any better or nearer to any kind of conclusion. She didn’t even know how she felt anymore. About anyone, or anything.
‘Are you in love with me, Amber?’
She turned to face him, even though a part of her just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, to forget any of this was happening. He stood in the doorway of their bedroom, leaning against the doorpost, watching her with those piercing green eyes of his. Her handsome husband. A man she didn’t feel as if she knew anymore – if she’d ever really known him at all.
‘You know I am.’
He shook his head slowly, his hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t think I do.’
‘Then you’ve just got to believe me.’
He hung his head, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Ronnie White – a best friend with benefits, huh?’
‘It isn’t like that, Jim.’
He looked up at her. ‘Isn’t it? I thought it would have been
exactly
like that. I mean, why else turn to him? You didn’t go running into Ryan’s arms, did you? You didn’t end up in
his
bed.’
‘And why would I have done that? Ryan doesn’t even want me anymore.’
‘Oh, doesn’t he?’ Jim fixed Amber with a look that sent her stomach dipping as low as it could go. ‘Why do you think he’s put in this loan request, Amber? Why do
you
think he’s putting Newcastle Red Star’s season in jeopardy just so he can run away? Why do you think that is, huh? Just what is it he can’t deal with? It’s you, baby. He can’t deal with
you
.’
‘That isn’t my fault,’ Amber said quietly. ‘I can’t help the way he feels, I can’t…’ She looked straight at Jim, wishing with all of her heart that none of this had happened. None of it. ‘You thought me and him…? You really thought…’
‘I trusted you, Amber. But I had my doubts about him. Seems I should have had that the other way around though, doesn’t it? Oh, I know he wants you. He’s told me as much himself. But the thing is, he hasn’t acted on that, has he? And that’s why he wants to get away, because he’s scared that he will. He’s scared that he might do something he eventually regrets. And the reason why I was reluctant to let him go? Why, up until this evening, I was
still
reluctant to let him go? Because even though I knew, deep down, that he would never really try to do anything stupid, not after what he went through last season, there was always this irrational fear in the back of my mind that he might try something – Ryan Fisher is a law unto himself, after all. But there was also the rational part of my brain that said he wouldn’t dare. Not now. Not right under my nose. However, knowing what I know now, Amber; knowing how easily you just give up and run to others when you need some time out – knowing all of that, well, it’s
you
I don’t trust. Just one small move on his part and you could just crumble, couldn’t you, honey? You could just give in and give him what he wants and I can’t risk that, especially now. Right up until tonight I was still uncertain that letting him go was the right thing to do, even though I could have him on his way within weeks, if that’s what he really wanted. Days, even, if I can talk the right people round. But now – now I’ll do anything in my power to make sure he leaves the North East for as long as it takes him to forget what he had with you.’
‘You really think that low of me? After everything you’ve done, you really think that low of
me
?’
He walked over to her, tilting her chin up with the back of his hand so she had no option but to look into his eyes. ‘I love you, Amber. And I’m doing it for you, as much as for him.’
‘You really believe that, don’t you?’ she said quietly, shaking her head. ‘You know, maybe we really do need some time apart.’
As she made to turn around, he reached out and grabbed her wrist, swinging her back round to face him. ‘You still want me, Amber. Despite all of this, despite everything I’ve just told you, you still want me. I can feel it, I can see it in your eyes.’
What could she say to that? A part of her probably did, it was just a part of her that was keeping very quiet right now.
‘And even though I know another man’s touched you in ways he really shouldn’t have, I still want you, too, because I am crazy in love with you, Amber.’
‘You got the crazy bit right,’ Amber said, pulling her wrist free from his grip, but he was too quick for her, grabbing her again, this time round the waist.
‘This is what you do to me,’ he whispered, his mouth close to her ear, his hand on her hip keeping her against him. ‘In some strange way, the thought of you with another man is actually turning me on.’
He began kissing her neck, and against everything she wanted to feel, she felt herself giving in to him. She felt those familiar tingles, that deep ache in the pit of her stomach that signalled something incredible was about to happen.
‘Jim…’
‘It’s okay, baby… Everything’s gonna be okay.’
Was it? Really? After everything that had happened?
‘Lie down,’ he whispered, pulling back slightly so she could see his face.
It felt as though she’d suddenly been hypnotised by some invisible force as she lay back on the bed, closing her eyes as he slowly stripped the clothes from her body. Bit by bit she could feel herself becoming exposed, creating an almost warped sense of liberty, given the circumstances. Part of her didn’t really want this, yet another part of her wanted it more than she could explain, and as his lips began touching her naked skin, she knew which side of her had won out. Despite herself.
‘Put your hands above your head,’ Jim ordered, taking something out of his back pocket.
Amber recognised it as the scarf she’d taken off downstairs, and once again her stomach did that flip, sending out a message to her to get ready for something she wasn’t going to forget. ‘Jim… I don’t…’
He just smiled at her, gently pulling her wrists together above her head, tying one end of the scarf loosely around them before fastening the other end to the headboard. ‘I won’t hurt you, Amber. In fact, I guarantee, you’re gonna love this.’
‘Shouldn’t we…?’
‘I don’t want to argue any more, baby. I just want to be with you.’
She was about to say something, to put up some kind of fight, when she felt his hand slide between her legs, parting them gently, and just that one touch sent her heart racing, her body breaking out in a million tiny goose bumps. Arching her back, she gave in to it all, surrendering to whatever it was this was going to turn out to be, because, all of a sudden,
this
was the way she wanted it– for him to be in total control, to take over everything. She was too tired, too exhausted for it to be any other way.
‘Oh Jesus, Jim…’ she groaned, her hips bucking as his mouth replaced his hand, his tongue slowly exploring a place he knew only too well. His hands were pushing her legs wider apart, his mouth taking in every inch of her – Amber had never felt anything like it. She was burning up, turned on by the fact she couldn’t touch him, her stomach dipping and diving on a constant loop as he continued to probe harder and faster, taking her right to the edge before pulling her right back again.
She wanted to come – she could feel it about to happen, feel that rush about to take hold, and he must have felt it, too, because he pulled away, kneeling up for a second to look at her. It was both the strangest and the most erotic experience of her life, just watching him, staring at her, his eyes scanning her naked body in a way that almost brought her to orgasm without him laying another finger on her. It felt as though he’d cast some kind of spell over her, like he was working invisible strings as her legs opened wider, her back arched more so her breasts were pushed right out, willing him to touch her, to take her, to put anything he wanted inside of her because, right now, she didn’t care what, she just wanted to feel a part of him there.
The throbbing between her legs was becoming almost too much for her to bear, knowing she couldn’t reach down and touch herself, knowing that everything was up to him. He controlled the outcome of this, and that only served to send her stomach flipping again, her head starting to spin with the painful anticipation.
‘Jim, please, this is killing me,’ she groaned, feeling the sheet beneath her growing damp.
‘All in good time,’ he whispered, leaning over her, letting his fingers trail lazily over her stomach. She could feel his erection rock-hard against her thigh and that just made her want him more; she needed to feel him inside her before this pushed her over the edge. She’d never felt so turned on, so out of control of a situation, and that lack of power only heightened everything, whether she wanted it to or not. Her body was ruling her head here, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.
‘Oh… Oh, Jesus, you have got to do something,’ she moaned, closing her eyes as she felt his fingers move down again, touching her, teasing her, hitting that spot for a glorious second, delving inside her for a few seconds more before pulling away again. It was almost cruel. And how he was managing to hold out himself was beyond her because she could feel him throbbing hard against her. ‘Jim, please… I’m begging you…’ Is that what he wanted? Was that was this was all about? Did he
want
her to beg him? Did he want her to want him so much that she would do anything to make sure that happened? Even if that was the case, she was in no position to fight it. He’d pushed her too far, taken her too close to the edge now and without the endgame she needed, she couldn’t leave. Wouldn’t leave.
Totally unexpected tears started to fall down her cheeks which, for just the briefest of seconds, took her mind off the frustratingly beautiful pain she was feeling. And when he started to kiss them away, his hands either side of her hips, she finally began to feel a sense of this all coming to an end, even though she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted it to. What she did know for sure was that she wanted him to take her hard, to push his way into her so fast and so rough that it physically hurt, and she had no idea
why
she wanted it that way, she just did. She wanted it to be painful, she needed it to be that way for a reason she couldn’t explain. And when he finally did push his way into her, it was every bit as beautiful as she’d wanted it to be. Every thrust hurt, his hips thudding against hers as he pushed harder, making her cry out. It was the most incredible, the most intense, the most erotic sex she’d ever had, and a part of her never wanted it to end. It was making her feel things she hadn’t felt in weeks – it made her feel alive, made her feel strangely empowered, despite the fact he was the one holding all the cards.
Closing her eyes and arching her back once more, pushing her hips up against his as their rhythm got faster and faster, she bit down on her lip as she got ready for the impending finale, waiting for it to take over for those few, beautiful seconds it took to end whatever this had been. And when it came, it hit her with an intensity she just hadn’t been prepared for, washing over her like a tidal wave of pure pleasure, a violent assault on every feeling she’d ever experienced that made the tears fall and the anger build. When she felt him explode inside her it was as though he’d taken over every inch of her body, filling her up with something she wasn’t altogether sure she wanted, but it was taking her anyway, engulfing her, making her scream out loud and cry with pain until that wave subsided – until she could feel him moving no more. Until she felt him slowly leave her body.
She kept her eyes closed as he untied her wrists, pulling the scarf away, letting her body take the final few seconds it needed to feel like hers again before she sat up, pulling her knees to her chest. For a couple of seconds she just looked at him, before slapping him so hard she felt her hand sting with the force. ‘Don’t you
ever
do that to me again,’ she hissed, getting up and throwing her clothes back on as quickly as she could.
‘Amber…’
‘No, Jim. Something… something’s changed. Somewhere along the line something’s changed between us, and I can’t explain what that is. I can’t, and I want to, but… I really think we need that time apart. Don’t you?’
He shook his head, getting up and walking over to her, but she backed away, putting up a hand to stop him coming any closer. ‘No, Amber, I don’t. What happened here…?’
‘I wanted it, Jim. What you just did to me, yeah, I wanted it. But we can’t carry on like this, not knowing what the hell is going on, because that’s how I feel now. That’s exactly how I feel.’ She felt the tears return, streaming down her face, and she didn’t even try to wipe them away. What would be the point? They weren’t going to stop. ‘All I wanted was to be your wife. To have your baby. That was all I wanted, and yet, somehow, that problem’s got lost amongst all the other crap, and I can’t even think straight because I love you, so much it fucking hurts, but I can’t be with you anymore.’