Authors: Megan Nugen Isbell
“You said some things last night that I’ve got to ask you about,” I began slowly and I felt him tense up.
“Go ahead.”
“You…you said I’m always around, always calling, always in your business. You said you didn’t want me around.”
“Tell me I didn’t say that,” he groaned, but when I didn’t say anything, he knew he had said it and his face washed with regret.
“I don’t think you meant it the way you expressed it last night, but…was there a part of it, even a small part…that you did mean?”
“Of course I didn’t mean it,” he interjected quickly.
“All I’ve wanted is to help you through this. I’ve wanted to be whatever you needed from me, but I feel like I’m totally screwing up. Every time I think I’ve got it figured out, you change and you push me away and then you come right back and I think it’s okay again, but then something happens and you snap at me and I don’t know what to do. Am I pushing you too hard? Am I not doing enough? Please tell me what you need from me, because I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Riley, stop beating yourself up. This isn’t your fault.”
“Some of it must be because I’m obviously not giving you what you need if you felt getting drunk was a better option than talking to me.”
He stood up and paced for a moment, before turning to look at me.
“Yesterday was tough for me, that’s all.”
“Am I being too pushy?”
“No, Riley…” he protested, but then he stopped and turned his back to me. I saw him close his eyes and pinch the bridge of nose, breathing in, before turning back around to face me. “Maybe I do need some space.”
I felt as if all the air had been sucked from my lungs and my mouth opened as if words should come out, but they didn’t.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I eventually whispered and Jesse swiftly moved towards me, kneeling before me as he ran his hands over my hair, staring into my eyes.
“No, God no. It took me too long to get you to give up on us now,” he said, kissing me deeply and I focused on the way his lips moved over mine, so perfectly. When he pulled back, our eyes stayed locked.
“What do you mean then?”
“I just can’t be who I was before my dad died…not right now. I just need some space to figure this all out. That’s what I mean. I just need you to let me figure this out.”
“I didn’t mean to hover so much,” I said as my heart broke. He wasn’t breaking up with me, but he didn’t want me around the way he used to and it hurt.
“Riley, please don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s me. I just can’t be who you need me to be right now and I don’t want to pretend I can be because all that does is hurt you and I can’t do that. So, just bear with me, okay? I’ll figure something out.”
He looked frantic and I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded.
“I know you don’t understand, but I love you so much, Riley. Things just have to be a little different right now.”
I didn’t like it, but if it was what he needed, then I had to do my best to respect it.
“Just remember if you need me, I’m here.”
“I know,” he said, smiling up at me as he took my hand and kissed the back of it as his face softened and he looked at me curiously.
“Now it’s my turn to ask you something,” he said and I shifted my position, wondering what he was going to ask. “Maybe I brought this up last night, but I don’t know.” His eyes moved as if he were searching through the vague memories of the previous night. “Yesterday, before I spoke with the lawyer, Chase Townsend, from school came in to drop off his mom’s car to get worked on,” he began and I knew instantly what he was going to talk about. Chase had been one of the kids I’d seen at A&W when I was with Matt. “He asked about us. He asked if we’d broken up because he saw you out with another guy, Matt Campbell.”
“Like I told you last night when you were yelling at me,” I began and he cringed a little, realizing we’d already had this conversation. “I work with Matt. We were on our lunch break. That’s it.”
“That’s it?”
“What? Do you not trust me?”
“Of course I trust you,” he said, kissing me again. “I just…had to ask”
“You have nothing to worry about. He’s my friend, that’s all.”
“I knew nothing was going on, but after all the crappy news I’ve had lately, when Chase told me that, I didn’t know what to think. My head is just so messed up right now.”
“Like I told you,” I said, gently taking his face in my hands. “You don’t need to be jealous. I love you and only you…always.” I brushed my lips gently over his and when I pulled back, he looked relieved. “He was the one who gave me the keys to silo. The whole picnic idea was his because he knew we needed some time together.” I saw his face soften then.
“I suppose I should thank him then.”
“You can,” I said as I decided now was as good a time as any to ask Jesse about the concert. “Matt invited us to a music festival in Wichita in a couple of weeks. You wanna go?”
“I’ve heard your idea of music and I’m not sure I wanna waste a day on that,” he said with a laugh and I just rolled my eyes at him.
“Do you wanna go or not?”
“Sure. We can go,” he relented and then I leaned into his arms, wrapping myself into him. “I’m sorry about last night, Riley. I’m sorry I hurt you.” I didn’t say anything, just held him tighter. I knew he was sorry. I’d found Jesse at his lowest and prayed I’d never see him like that again. I prayed he’d find a way out of it because I loved him too much to think of what could happen if he didn’t.
Chapter Twenty-One
I hadn’t been sure what Jesse meant when he said he needed space, but if space is what he needed, then, as difficult as it was going to be for me, space is what he would get. It had been more space than I liked and I hadn’t seen much of him since the morning after we’d found him drunk. He’d come over for dinner a few times and we talked on the phone, but it wasn’t like it used to be. He was busy with work and everything else, but it didn’t help the ache in my heart and the lump in my throat. I knew relationships went through changes. I knew things wouldn’t always stay the way they were while we were still in high school, but I also hadn’t expected Jesse’s father to pass away, changing everything. I knew deep down if Jesse’s dad hadn’t died, things would still be the way they were. Jesse wouldn’t be faced with all the choices and responsibilities he was dealing with now and I wouldn’t be staring at my phone, waiting for him to call.
It had been a busy day at the flower shop. Matt had been gone half the day making deliveries, so I didn’t even get to talk to him. Instead, I spent the day making flower arrangements, which was actually quite therapeutic. Now, I sat on the couch, watching reruns of
The Golden Girls
with my grandmother while my mom was out with Jack. I couldn’t help but chuckle thinking that my mom was getting more action than I was lately.
I’d been so lost in my thoughts when the phone did ring, it startled me and nearly flew out of my hands. When I looked down, I was disappointed to see it was Brandon and not Jesse.
“Hey, Brandon,” I answered.
“What’s goin’ on?” he asked through the receiver.
“Unfortunately, nothing,” I sighed and that was all I needed to say. Brandon had called the day after we found Jesse trashed. I’d filled him in as much as I was comfortable with, but I didn’t need to tell him everything for him to understand things were going to be different now. Brandon and Jesse had been best friends since forever and he was worried about Jesse just as I was. We both knew we couldn’t push though. Jesse had finally set the boundaries and we had to respect that. He could only take the support we offered if he wanted to and right now, our idea of support was not what he wanted.
“You wanna go out? I was thinking we could go play some mini-golf,” he suggested.
I looked over at my grandma who was dozing on and off as she watched the TV. It was nearly 7:30. I knew she’d be heading to bed soon and if I was being honest, I really didn’t want to sit around thinking about how Jesse wasn’t with me.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Want me to pick you up?” I asked.
“I’ll come get you. My mom will let me borrow her car. I’ll give the others a call too to see if they wanna come.”
“Alright. See you in a few,” I said and then closed the phone. I stood up and went over to my grandma, nudging her gently until her eyes opened.
“Did I fall asleep?” she asked groggily.
“Yes, you did,” I said with a smile. “Do you want to go to bed?”
“No. I’ll watch just a little more.”
“Would you mind if I went out with my friends?”
“Of course not. You don’t need to sit around with an old lady,” she said with a grin.
“I love sitting around with you.” I leaned in and hugged her and she patted me on the back.
“Go have fun,” she encouraged and I went upstairs to get ready.
It was a surprisingly cool night so I put on a pair of jeans, pulled a zip up hoodie over my fitted white t-shirt and slid on the pair of navy blue Converse Jesse had given me for my birthday. I smiled as I tied the shoes, thinking back to when I’d opened the present. He said he got them for me so we could be shoe twins. I’d just grinned, but then looked down at the well-worn black pair he always wore and thought it was a very sweet gesture. I loved being his shoe twin, even though mine were blue and his were black. Too bad we were separated tonight.
I ran a brush through my hair and then touched up my make-up before turning to see my phone sitting on the bed. Jesse said he needed space, but that didn’t mean he didn’t need to know I was thinking about him. I wanted to call him and hear his voice, but I decided on a text instead.
ME: WE’RE GOING TO PLAY MINI GOLF. U UP FOR IT?
I slid the phone in my pocket and waited for a response. I didn’t know how long I’d be waiting, so when I heard my phone chime a few moments later, I was surprised. I looked down at it nervously and my heart dipped when I saw his reply, although I wasn’t surprised.
JESSE: NO THANKS. LONG DAY AT WORK. I’M TIRED.
I stared down at the text and debated on what I should say. I decided to keep it simple.
ME: OK. I MISS U.
JESSE: WILL CALL TOMORROW.
I waited for another text to follow saying I love you or I miss you or something other than he’d call me tomorrow. It didn’t and I shoved the phone in my pocket. I had been understanding since Jesse’s dad passed away, but it was becoming more and more frustrating. The more I pushed, the more he pulled away and when I did step back, giving him the space he asked for, I was on eggshells. He was my boyfriend and I felt as if I couldn’t even call him without worrying if I was hovering or bothering him. I just wanted to love him.
I decided to wait on the front porch for Brandon to show up. I sat in one of the wooden rocking chairs that had been a fixture on my grandparents’ porch for as long as I could remember and my mind drifted to sitting there with me in one chair and Jesse in the other the day everything had gone down with Alex. He’d risked so much for me that day and I remembered looking at him, the scratches and bruises evidence of his love for me and I hadn’t even realized how in love I was with him or how in love he was with me. When I did realize it, almost too late as I wallowed in Boston, it was the most powerful feeling I’d ever felt…until now anyways. Jesse was falling away from me and it was a fearful pain I’d never experienced before. Falling in love with Jesse made me feel complete, as if a piece of me had been missing my whole life that I hadn’t even been aware of until he filled it. It had been so easy and perfect. I thought it always would be, but now, as I watched him pulling away from me, becoming a person I didn’t know at times, the feeling was more powerful than falling in love because I had to watch this person I loved so much hurting so badly. The joy of loving Jesse was being replaced with the sorrow of watching him struggle and there was nothing I could do to help him because he wouldn’t let me.
I was brought back from my reverie by the headlights pulling into the driveway. I got up from the rocking chair, trotted down the stairs and opened the back door, since Mandy was in the front seat.
“Where are Holly and Laura?” I asked when I got in.
“Holly’s meeting us there and Laura’s got some family thing going on,” Mandy answered and Brandon took off down the road.
When we got there, Holly was already waiting for us. I wasn’t surprised to see it was crowded. Entertainment was a hard thing to come by in Carver, so in the warm weather, the batting cages and mini-golf were a popular hang-out. I didn’t go very often. Whenever I did though, I always remembered my first time there…with Alex. We’d had a great time or so I thought. He’d just been putting on an act though. I knew I shouldn’t think about it anymore, but it was impossible. He’d taken so much from me that I thought had been lost forever until Jesse made me realize my life was mine to live and could be dictated by no one, no matter what happened.
We went to the counter and got our clubs and golf balls and I followed my friends to the first hole. I let everyone go ahead and when it was finally my turn, I managed to get a hole in one. Mandy cheered excitedly and Brandon accused me of cheating.
“Have you talked to Jesse lately?” Holly asked as she putted on the next hole.
“A little. He’s been really busy,” I said, making excuses for him. I hated that they knew what was happening. It was embarrassing. I was supposed to be the center of Jesse’s universe, at least that’s the way they’d always pictured it, and now it was starting to look like I wasn’t.
“How is he?” Mandy asked.
“The same, I guess.”
“Is he still drinking?” Mandy asked and I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn’t want to discuss it, but it was fair of her to ask, especially since she’d been with us that night and seen Jesse so messed up.
“I don’t think so. I don’t really know.”
“Everything is gonna be just fine,” Brandon said as he sunk his golf ball into the hole and then he turned to us. “Now, let’s not dwell on it. We’re here to have some fun.”