Feels Like Love (8 page)

“Scott
for one.”

“That
one’s easy, break it off.”

When
she didn’t answer, he leaned down to peer into her face. “April? You’re going
to break it off, aren’t you?”

“It’s
not that simple,” she drew away from his embrace.

His
face darkened. “You said you loved me.”

“I
do. But … there’s a lot to think about.”

“Calling
off your wedding because you’re in love with someone else should
not
be
a hard decision,” he grated.

“Things
haven’t changed,” she protested. “We still don’t want the same things; we’d be
right back where we started … or right back where we ended.”

“Things
have
changed,” he grasped her shoulders. “Listen, I –”

“
–No!” she interrupted and jerked away. “It’s Twin Falls all over again.
Stop
pressuring me.”

He
fell back. “I’m not trying to pressure you.”

“Yes,
you are,” she insisted. “You need to give me time.”

They
stood in silence for a long moment while she scuffed at the snow with the toe
of her boot. Finally, Wade gave a deep sigh. “Okay, I’ll back off. But promise
me you won’t make any decisions until we’ve had the chance to talk again.”

She
nodded.

The
house was quiet when they got home. April sent Trevor and Emily off to bed and woke
Donna, who had fallen asleep in the rocking chair in Ben’s room. After a quick
update on Ben, the nurse gave a murmured goodnight and April saw her out.

She
expected to find Scott still at the kitchen table, but it was cleared of his
books, papers, and computer. Puzzled, she went to the basement and knocked on
his door but got no answer.

“Scott?”
she called softly as she went back upstairs.

“In
here,” his voice came from the living room.

She
went to the doorway and could barely make out his profile in a chair in the corner.

“Why
are you sitting in the dark?”

“Just
thinking.”

She
had been moving to switch on a lamp, but the tone in his voice made her stop.

“Is
everything okay?” she asked, knowing it wasn’t.

“We
need to talk,” Scott said quietly.

She
took a deep breath. “Then can I at least turn on the lights?”

“If
you want to.”

She
flipped the wall switch and the lights on the Christmas tree blazed. April sat
down warily on the ottoman in front of Scott’s chair, noting how tired he
looked.

“Did
you have fun?” he asked.

“Yeah,
it was great. Lots of people, good rides … Em loved it.”

He
nodded and then gave a long sigh. “It’s not going to work, April.”

“What
isn’t going to work?”

“This.
Us.” He waved his hand between them. “I think you know it as well as I do.”

During
the ride home she had run through several scenarios in her head, imagining the different
ways this conversation could go. But she thought to ask him to take a step
back; she had never considered he would outright dump her. Did he know she was
with Wade tonight? She studied his face but found no anger. Just resignation.

“Why?”

He
shook his head. “I thought I knew you, I thought we were good together. But
this week I’ve realized that I don’t know you at all.”

“Yes,
you do,” she protested.

“You
wrestled a goat,” he pointed out. “The girl I knew in Boise would never have
done that.”

“Are
you threatened because I’m better at farm work than you are?” she asked, stung.

“I’m
not one of the redneck pigs you grew up with,” he rolled his eyes. “Which brings
me to my second problem – I never even knew about your
country boy
,”
he said the words with venom. “And yet from the minute we got here, it’s been
all Wade all the time.
You’re
not over him and your family isn’t over
him. How do I compete with that? You should have been honest with me from the
start.”

“I
wasn’t trying to mislead you,” she said carefully. “But it’s different. The way
I feel about him and the way I feel about you aren’t the same.”

“So
you don’t deny you still have feelings for him?” Scott said bitterly. “I guess
that answers all my questions.”

Her
head spun. Yes, she loved Wade. But she loved Scott too, in a different, less intense
way. From the beginning, she had been attracted to his drive. He was
methodical, he made plans. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it. With
Scott, nothing seemed out of reach.

Wade
was content to own a farm in central Montana where he was tied to the land and
the animals, at the mercy of the weather, and buried in debt. It was not the
life she wanted. Wasn't it almost as important to love the lifestyle as it was
to love the man? Or was she suddenly so desperate to keep Scott simply because
he was slipping away?

“I
think we’re both tired,” she finally said. “Let’s go to bed and we can talk
more in the morning.”

Scott
shook his head. “I’m leaving tonight.”

When
April was ten, she had startled a horse by running up behind it too fast and it
had kicked her in the ribs. She never forgot those few moments when she was
flying through the air – suspended in between time and space where everything
seemed to stop and she knew that what would come next was pain. This felt that
same way. The horse’s hooves had connected and sent her flying, but she felt
nothing … yet.

“You’re
leaving? That’s it?” her voice was raw.

“I
think it’s for the best.”

“But
we love each other, don’t we?” she protested. “I love you.”

“I
thought I loved you too,” he said. “But now I wonder if I even know you.”

“That’s
it? You’re going to shrug your shoulders and move on? Chalk this one up to
experience?”

“I
guess.”

She
pressed her palms to her temples and tried to breathe. After a long silence, he
sighed heavily, got to his feet, and began gathering his bags from behind the
couch.

So
he had been planning to leave all along. Packed and ready and nothing she said
would have made any difference.

He
slung his computer bag over his shoulder and came to her side. “I’m sorry,” he
mumbled.

“No,
you’re not.” She wouldn’t look at him.

“Yes,
I am. I’m sorry we didn’t take more time. I’m sorry to hurt you.”

April
wrenched the diamond ring from her finger and held it out to him. He hesitated,
then his fingers brushed softly against hers as he plucked the ring from her
grasp.

She
buried her face in her hands until she heard the kitchen door open and close. Then
she ran to the window and watched as the BMW came around the corner of the
house and moved down the road. At the highway, the blinker came on, Scott turned,
and was gone. Just like that.

Her
flight through the air ended; she hit the ground and with the crash came the
pain. April curled up in the corner of the couch and hugged her knees as her
heart began to ache.

This
wasn’t the first diamond ring she’d had to give back.

It
was toward
the beginning of her second year at Boise State. April was in her apartment on
a break between morning classes when there was a knock on the door. She opened
it and gasped. Wade stood on the porch grinning.

“What
are you doing here?” she squealed when they finally broke apart from a first
heady kiss after a long separation.

His
arms were tight around her waist, holding her off the ground, and there was a
gleam in his eye.

“Let’s
get married. Today.”

She
laughed. “Okay, sure. But we’d better make it quick because I have class in an
hour.”

“I’m
serious,” his eyes darkened as he set her down. “I want to marry you.” He
reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box.

April
went very still. “What are you doing?”

“I’m
asking you to marry me,” he said softly and opened the box.

Glinting
against the black velvet was a ring, a small round diamond on a silver band.
She gasped and stood frozen.

“Are
you okay?” Wade asked after a moment when she still hadn’t moved.

She
nodded, still staring at the ring. “Wow … I did not expect this.”

“I
don’t want to wait anymore,” he said, taking the ring from the box and reaching
for her left hand. “April Elizabeth Winston, will you marry me?”

She
had dreamed about this moment so many times, and now it was finally here. She
nodded and let him slip the ring on her finger, then threw her arms around him
for a long kiss.

“Today,”
he repeated against her hair. “Let’s elope.”

“You
were serious?” she leaned back to look at him.

“Absolutely
serious,” he grinned. “C’mon, we’ve always planned to get married; let’s just
speed things up a bit.”

April
thought about her parents. Her mother would be disappointed not to have a big
wedding, but her father would probably be relieved he wouldn’t have to pay for
it. And they loved Wade – he was already part of the family, why not make
it official?

Sure,
she had always dreamed of walking down the aisle at the church and wearing a
white dress, and having a big reception, but did all that stuff really matter?
What mattered was the two of them, together forever.

“Okay,”
she whispered.

They
could have gotten married in Boise, but decided on Twin Falls because it was
far enough away to seem special. There was no waiting period in Idaho, so after
they got the license and paid the fee, they went straight to a bench outside
the judge’s chambers to wait.

But
as they sat in the quiet hallway holding hands, April’s mind started racing.
She loved Wade and she had always planned on being his wife, but … there was a
difference between Wade and the boys she knew at school. Boys with majors like law,
pre-med, business, computers. They had dreams; they were going places. She wasn’t
interested in any of them, but she knew the future they could offer a wife was
very different from the future Wade could offer her.

She
knew he would work harder than any of those college guys. But farming wasn’t
kind. She’d witnessed her parents’ struggle firsthand and the thought of living
like they did for the rest of her life made a knot in her stomach. Why couldn’t
he at least consider doing something else, something that would bring more
security?

Plus,
they were so young, they should finish their education, she wanted to travel, was
she ready to be a wife … and then a mother? The doubts bloomed one after
another until she felt sick.

“Why
so quiet?” Wade gave her hand a squeeze. Then he read the look on her face and
his shoulders sagged. “You’re having second thoughts.”

April
looked into his eyes and felt her heart break. Things had changed.
She
had changed.

The
court clerk opened the door and poked her head out. “Wade and April? We’re
ready for you.”

They
sat frozen, staring at each other, and she knew the decision was hers. How
could she say
yes
to this and resign herself to a life she didn’t want?
How could she say
no
and lose the only man she’d ever loved?

“Are
you coming?” the clerk said into the silence.

Tears
began rolling down her cheeks as she shook her head. The clerk retreated
discreetly, leaving them alone in the deathly quiet hall.

Finally,
Wade gave a deep sigh and leaned forward, clasping his hands on the back of his
neck.

“I’m
sorry,” she faltered.

He
didn’t respond, just stared at the floor.

“I
… I think we need more time.”

“Time
to do what?” he grated.

“Finish
school, get jobs, make plans. You could come to Boise, take some classes. Maybe
you’ll find a career you love.”

“I
already have a career I love,” he said bitterly. “Is that what this is about?”

“I
don’t think I can live on a farm,” she pleaded.

He
gave a snort of disgust and stood up. “Let’s go.”

It
was a long, tense ride back to Boise and she worried because after dropping her
off, he would have an even longer drive to Snow Valley. She planned to suggest
he sleep on the couch at her apartment and they could talk in the morning, but he
raced away in a squeal of tires, leaving her standing in the parking lot. He
never, ever left her anywhere; he always walked her to the door and made sure
she was safely inside, but now she stood alone in the dim parking lot, grief
and despair tearing through her.

April
never told anyone about Twin Falls. She cried for a week, but her roommates
only knew she and Wade had broken up. She figured he would take time to cool
off and then they could work through their differences. She had never imagined
a future that did not include marrying Wade, it was impossible. But days and
then weeks went by and he did not return any of her calls, texts, or emails
until finally, angry and humiliated, she gave up.

She’d
seen him once since then, last year when she was home for the summer. She was
running an errand for her dad and came out of the IFA as he was going in. She
had given a quick, startled jump and her heart soared, but he walked right by,
as if she didn’t exist.