Feels Like Love (9 page)

April
was
scrubbing the kitchen sink when headlights appeared around the corner of the
house. She glanced at the clock and hurriedly shut the blinds so Wade couldn’t
see inside. It was a little after four in the morning and she hadn’t been to bed
yet. But the kitchen was sparkling clean and she had even reorganized the
pantry.

“
What
are you doing?” Trevor asked when he woke up a few hours later.

She
sat at the counter alphabetizing recipe cards. “Nothing. Couldn’t sleep.”

Trevor
eyed the table, swept clean of books and papers. “Where’s Scott?”

“There
was a problem with his research project and he had to go home,” April said
breezily. “He left late last night and said to tell you all goodbye. He felt bad
he couldn’t stay.”

Trevor
grabbed a box of cereal and looked at her with narrowed eyes.

“What?”
she said defensively.

He
shrugged. “Nothing.”

April
finished the recipe cards while Trevor ate the entire box of cereal from a
mixing bowl, then he helped her get Ben up and give him breakfast. Donna did
not come on Sundays and April was glad to have something to keep her occupied.

She
guided Ben gently through his morning therapy to stretch and strengthen his
stiff muscles. “Does that hurt?” she asked as she bent and straightened his
knee.

He
smiled.

April
worked in silence for a few more minutes. “Do you think I should call mom?” she
finally asked Ben, then shook her head. “No, you’re right. I should leave her
alone.”

Tears
welled in her eyes and she rested her forehead on her brother’s bent knee. “I don’t
know what to do, Benny,” she whispered.

Ben
squirmed impatiently and she lifted her head and gave him a smile. “Sorry. Arms
now?”

By
the time they were finished with the exercises, April knew what to do. She changed
her clothes, fixed her hair, dealt with her red eyes the best she could, and
drove to town.

Sunday
services were ending; the heavy wooden doors of the church were open and Pastor
John stood just inside as the congregation filtered out. April parked in a
disabled stall at the dry cleaner’s across the street and waited until the
crowd dispersed. As she hurried toward the church, she saw Kazlyn coming in the
other direction, still with the tall man she’d been with at the carnival.

They
stopped to chat, but April brushed off Kazlyn’s concern at her red eyes and after
a quick conversation and a sympathetic hug, her friend moved on. April hurried
to the side entrance of the church, slipping past the offices and into the
chapel.

It
was empty and quiet. She sat on a hard wooden pew and gazed at the altar and
the crucifix hanging below the large stained glass window. It was painted, not
real stained glass, but it was still pretty. As a child, she thought the colored
sunshine spilling through it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

It
was
pretty cool.

After
a few minutes, the door at the back of the chapel opened and Pastor John came
in, looking even taller and lankier in his black robes. His face broke into a smile
when he saw her.
“April! We
missed you at services this morning,” he said, taking a seat at her side.

With
so many people in his congregation, it seemed odd he would notice her absence,
but she didn’t doubt he had. Pastor John was that kind of person.

He
tipped his head to one side and gave her a questioning look. “Need to talk?”

April
took a shaky breath. She had planned to tell him only about Scott, but once she
began, she found herself going into details about Wade as well, including what
had happened at the carnival and in Twin Falls.

He
listened without interruption until she finished her story. “This week has been
quite a rollercoaster ride for you, hasn’t it?” he finally said kindly. “How
can I help?”

“What
do I do?” April pleaded. “I’m so torn. Why can’t I have Wade, but with Scott’s
ambition? If I’m being really honest, I love Scott, but I’m
in love
with
Wade.” She shook her head and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “But I
can’t
spend my life on a farm.”

“Are
you sure you’re not focusing on Smarties?” Pastor John asked gently.

“Smarties?”

His
eyes lit up the way they always did when he told a story. “When my son was
about four, he found a package of Smarties in my wife’s purse. He wanted them
so
badly, but we wouldn’t give them to him. He cried and begged and sulked and the
only thing in his world at the moment was that package of Smarties.

“He
didn’t even notice the chocolate cake on the counter right above his head. We wouldn’t
let him have Smarties because we were going to give him cake … later.” He
paused for a minute. “If my son had known about the cake, how do you think he would
have felt about the Smarties?”

“He
wouldn’t have wanted them,” April replied, seeing where this was going. “But he
would have started crying for the cake.”

“Perhaps,”
Pastor John agreed. “But cake seems like a better goal than Smarties to me.”

“So
… Scott is a package of Smarties?”

“Not
him
, but maybe the lifestyle he represents. What if God has something
better in store for you, if you’ll look for it … and maybe wait for it.”

“Spending
the rest of my life tied to a farm is supposed to be cake?”

“Well,
only you can decide that. But remember, weak things can become strong.”

She
was silent and Pastor John seemed to sense she needed time to think. He got to
his feet. “Will you excuse me for a minute? I’d better make sure no one’s running
off with my donkey … again.”

April
laughed through her tears. “That’s still going on?” Stealing the plastic donkey
from the church’s outdoor nativity scene was a long running prank among Snow
Valley’s teenagers.

“They’re
actually getting quite creative. Last year they left the poor thing suspended
from a crane at the lumber yard.” His eyes twinkled. “I seem to remember
you
being involved not too many years ago.”

She
gave him a guilty smile. “Is it okay if I stay here a bit longer?”

“Of
course. Take all the time you need.” He patted her shoulder and left her in the
empty chapel.

April
took a deep breath and closed her eyes, letting the quiet calm of the church
wash over her, clearing her head and filling her heart with peace.

Scott
was right. The April she was at school was different from the April she was at
home. But
he
was different too. At school he had been charming,
considerate, and in control. But out of his comfort zone … she thought about the
harsh words, the tension, his disregard for things that were important to her.
When had it started to go wrong?

The
goat. She’d given in when he didn’t like the restaurant in Rexburg, climbed
down from the top of the barn when he’d asked, and backed off talking about his
childhood. But rescuing the goat was different. She hadn’t done what he wanted
– and it was the beginning of the end.

What
about Wade? She smiled faintly. Wade would have been right there with her banging
out Johnny Cash songs on the cab of the truck. He would have grabbed her and
tumbled them both into a snowbank. He would have sat all night by the fire
making sure the goat stayed warm.

Scott
didn’t like who she really was – Wade had
made
her who she really
was.

She
had not deliberately misled Scott about Wade; she had been misleading herself. Wherever
she looked, whatever she remembered, Wade was there – her past, present,
and future. What had made her think she could let him go?

And
… if loving Wade meant living on a farm … well, she would come to terms with it.
There were more important things than geography.

She
jumped up, feeling lighter than she had in days, and met Pastor John again on
her way out. “Did they get the donkey?” April asked.

“Not
this time. But they’ll try again.” The grin on his face confirmed he looked
forward to the battle. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“More
than okay,” April beamed. “Thank you.” She threw her arms around him, hugging him
so hard the breath whooshed out of his lungs.

“Any
time,” he wheezed and she loosened her hold. “Did anyone ever tell you how
strong you are?” he asked.

“Farm
girl,” April smiled. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“I’m
counting on it,” he replied.

She
got his phone number from the bulletin board. Her hands were shaking as she typed
the text.

Hi
Wade. Can you meet me tonight? We need to talk.

She
hit send, then wondered if he had her number. Probably not. She sent a
follow-up.

This
is April, BTW.

The
reply came back immediately.

Sure.
Where?

She
panicked. Where? She thought for a minute and then smiled.

Christmas
Fireworks tonight. 9:00 @ the hill?

What
about the fiancé?

That’s
what we need to talk about.

OK,
see you tonight.

April
felt briefly guilty for not offering to take everyone to watch the fireworks,
but she shrugged it off. They didn’t usually attend as a family anyway.

“I
have to go out for a little while,” she said after dinner while she worked on
the last part of her plan. “Ben is already in bed; will you guys be okay here?”

“Sure,”
Trevor said. “Where are you going?”

“I
have some things to take care of,” she said, in a tone that discouraged any
further questions.

It
was the perfect night for fireworks – calm and clear and not too cold. Her
heart sped up when she rounded the bend of the hill and saw Wade’s truck. He’d
backed in, like they used to, on the little bluff that gave them a perfect view
of the fireworks.

He
was leaning against the truck and he smiled when he saw the thermos she carried.

“Mint
hot chocolate,” she said, holding it up.

“I
know.”

Wade
had covered the lowered tailgate with a thick blanket and had another one to
wrap around their shoulders. She poured the hot chocolate into the thermos lid
and they shared it back and forth.

Stupid
talking. Why couldn’t they leapfrog over the awkward explanations and go
straight to the part where he finally kissed her?

“So
…” Wade said after a minute.

Yes.
So.
“I’m not engaged anymore.”

He
exhaled heavily and leaned forward, clasping his hands between his knees. He
sat still for a long moment, then finally raised his head. “You have no idea
how happy that makes me.”

“Me
too.” April slipped her gloved hand into his and he clasped it tightly.

The
fireworks began, spraying light over the valley below and sending muffled booms
echoing off the surrounding hills.

They
watched in silence for a moment, then April continued. “I also … I’ve thought a
lot about it and, I know what I said in the past, but I don’t care what you do.
If you want to be a farmer, it’s okay with me.”

He
gave her a quizzical look. “That’s a change.”

“I
know. But I think I’ve been against it for so long that I’m objecting more out
of habit than anything else. It’s not so bad. Besides, I want you to be happy
and if farming makes you happy, that’s good enough for me.”

“Truly?”

She
nodded.

He
brought one hand up to cup her chin. “
You
make me happy,” he said and her
eyes slid shut as their lips met. She forgot all about the fireworks and the cold;
she forgot about everything except for the familiar feel of his mouth on hers.

She
was breathless when they broke apart. He gave her a quick grin, then looped his
arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She felt a surge of contentment
as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

They
watched the fireworks for a while, but April didn’t think he was paying any
more attention to them than she was. Her mind raced ahead. Her family would be
so happy; Emily would be over the moon. She felt a dart of guilty pleasure at
the thought of telling Tracie Brandenberg they were getting married.

Whoa
… slow down.
They had plenty of time; there was no need to skip right to the wedding.

“What
made you change your mind?” Wade finally asked and chills shot through her at
the feel of his lips against her hair.

“I
went to see Pastor John this morning and he helped me sort things out,” April
said. She shook her head. “Scott was right, we weren’t right for each other. I
think I knew it, but didn’t want to admit it. The pastor made me realize that sometimes
the thing you want isn’t the thing you’re supposed to have.”