Feels Like Love (7 page)

April
was adding
another scoop of hot chocolate mix to her cup when Trevor burst through the
door the next morning. “One of the goats is sick. She didn’t get inside last
night and she’s really cold.”

“Didn’t
you make a count before you locked the door?” April asked.

“I
did; I must have made a mistake.” He looked devastated. “What if she dies?”

April
pushed her chair back and stood up. “I’ll get Scott and let’s go see her.”

“Should
I call Wade?” Trevor offered. “He just left a few minutes ago.”

“No,”
April said quickly. “We can handle it.”

There
must be some obscure rule that all farm trucks have to be completely thrashed
, April thought as she
gazed at her dad’s truck. The front bumper was collapsed, the right fender was
dented, the tailgate was held together with bright orange baling twine, and the
whole thing was starting to rust. She felt a surge of fondness for her dad.

“Does
this thing even run?” Scott looked horrified. He hadn’t been too thrilled when
April asked for his help, but had agreed to come along. At least that was
something. Plus, if he was going to marry a farmer’s daughter, he’d better get
used to at least a little bit of farm work.

“Sure
it runs,” April pulled a knit cap over her hair. “Get in, you’re driving.” When
he hesitated, she smiled sweetly. “Or we can take your car?”

Scott
gave a gusty sigh and slid into the truck. He slammed the door, only to have it
bounce open. He tried again with the same results.

“You
have to tie it shut with that bungee cord,” April scooted into the passenger
side and pointed to the yellow cord wrapped around the driver’s door handle.
One hooked end dangled free.

“Uh
… how exactly?”

“Hold
the door closed,” she ordered. When he did, she leaned across his legs to grab
the end of the cord, stretch it, and hook it to a bracket on the bottom of the
seat.

“How
in the world did this pass inspection?” Scott asked.

April
gave him a blank look. “Why would it need to pass inspection? We only use it on
the farm.”

“Well,
that’s something new … as is that.” Scott pointed to the two holes in the
floorboards of the passenger side. One was so large a foot could fit through it
and they could see the snow on the ground below.

“Those
are very convenient if you have to pee,” April said.

“Are
you kidding?”

“If
you’re a guy,” she amended. “Girls have a bit more of a challenge.”

He
looked skeptical. “Don’t tell me you’ve
tried
it.”

She
gave him a shameless grin. “Okay, I won’t tell you.” She hadn’t tried it, but
it was fun to see him squirm.

Scott
leaned away from her, as if she might suggest he try peeing through a hole in a
truck right here and now. “You have
got
to be kidding me.”

“That’s
farm life,” April shrugged. “Well, see ya.” She made a move to get out of the
cab.

He
grabbed her arm. “Wait. Where are you going?”

“I’m
riding in the back.”

“No,
you’re not. What if you fall out?”

April
sighed. “I’m not going to fall out, but if by chance I do, I’ll aim for a
snowbank.”

She
climbed into the back of the truck while Trevor took her place in the cab and
slammed the door. Fortunately his side stayed closed without the need of a
bungee cord. Scott turned the key and the engine coughed and sputtered.

“Pump
the gas,” April hollered from the back. She thought she heard him swearing, but
couldn’t be sure.

When
the engine roared to life, April cheered and pounded on the back window in
triumph. Scott threw her a dark look and started down the driveway.

They
reached the road and Scott, following Trevor’s instructions, turned left. He
picked up a little speed and loose hay leaves in the bed of the truck caught
the wind and swirled away. April took a deep breath. She felt like a child
again, going off to do the chores with her daddy.

She
began to hum
Ghostriders in the Sky
. Her dad used to sing with her on
rides like this – Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins, and Hank Snow were his favorites.
April wondered if he still sang when he did the chores and realized with a pang
how much she wanted to be there to hear him. By growing up and moving away, she
had distanced herself from her family, the farm, Snow Valley, and other things
she had thought to hold dear forever. In the back of the truck, she started to
feel as if she belonged again. She sang louder and began keeping time by
beating on the hood of the cab.

They
reached the goat barn and April jumped down before the truck had completely
stopped. “That was quite a concert,” Scott said. “I’ve never heard you sing
like that before.” His mouth was pressed into a tense line.

“I
sing, just not at school,” she said lightly, determined not to let him ruin her
good mood.

“So
I’ve noticed.”

A
small black goat lay on her side next to the barn, glassy eyed and bleating feebly.
They could see her shivering.

“Poor
thing!” April said. She threw herself down in the straw, tugged off her glove,
and laid her hand on the animal’s neck. “She’s so cold.”

“Won’t
she warm up once she’s in the barn?” Scott asked.

“Not
if she’s got hypothermia,” Trevor said. “She won’t be able to get warm again on
her own and she’ll die.

April
looked up and locked eyes with Trevor. “We need to take her home,” she decided
and he nodded.

“Take
her home?” Scott asked. He hung back by the gate and seemed reluctant to
approach the goat.

“We’ll
take her inside and get her warmed up.” Trevor told him.

“Inside
where … the
house
?”

“It’s
no big deal, we’ve done it before,” April put in.

Scott
shook his head. “And how are you going to get her there?”

“That’s
why we brought the truck,” April answered. She stroked the goat’s black nose.
“Don’t worry sweetie, we’ll take good care of you. Trev, you get the gate, Scott
and I will lift her.”

“What?”
Scott protested. “How am I supposed to …?”

“Grab
her legs and lift,” April said, fighting back irritation. She had to remember
he wasn’t used to this.

He
gave her a sour look. “I don’t think so.”

“Fine.
You
get the gate and Trevor can help me lift her.”

The
goat did not appreciate being hauled around like a sack of wheat. She kicked
and bucked and they stumbled with her movements. “Don’t let go!” April called,
over the animal’s frantic bleating. The struggle was a good sign – it
meant she still had enough energy to fight.

At
last, they reached the truck and heaved the goat into the back. Her hooves shrieked
along the metal bed as she scrambled frantically, trying to stand.

“She’s
going to hurt herself,” Trevor said.

“I’ll
hold her in,” April hoisted herself into the bed. She tried to capture the
goat’s legs in her hands but the animal kicked free, surprisingly strong in its
panic. She dodged a flying hoof and then threw all her weight on top of the
goat, pinning it to the floor of the truck.

Trevor
laughed and held up his phone. “My sister – goat wrestling champion of
the world. Smile for Facebook, April.”

“Just
hurry
,” April gasped as she got a whiff of goat stank at close range.

The
ride back was not nearly as fun as the ride out. April was spread eagle,
angling her body over the goat to achieve maximum weight distribution, with her
nose buried in the goat’s coarse hair. She was nearly thrown off several times as
the goat continued to try and escape. It jerked and bucked and swung at her
with its horns. Each time they hit a bump in the road, it fought harder.

“How
ya doing?” Trevor called through the window of the cab.

“
AWESOME
,”
she hollered back. The goat landed a kick to her shin and she shrieked in pain.

“Scott
says to tell you '
hi'
,” Trevor said in a syrupy voice.

“Shut
up,” April growled. He was enjoying this way too much. There would be revenge …
when she wasn’t so occupied trying to keep a goat from killing them both.

The
goat was exhausted by the time they reached the house. Emily spread an old blanket
and several layers of dog training pads in front of the wood burning stove and
Trevor built up the fire. He opened the doors to the stove and they laid the
goat in front of the heat, then sank down exhaustedly on the floor beside her.

“Does
she need a blanket over her too?” Emily asked, tracing the goat’s black horns
with her finger.

“I
don’t think so,” Trevor said. “She put up a good fight; she’s probably more
tired now than cold.”

“It
certainly warmed
me
up,” April gathered her hair off her sweaty neck.

Trevor
smirked. “I’ll show you the video, Em. It’s awesome.”

“What?
You took
video
?” April yelped.

“Yep,”
he said smugly. “I’m totally going to play it at your wedding.”

At
the mention of the wedding, she suddenly remembered Scott. She’d been so wrapped
up in the goat drama, she’d forgotten he was there. Now, she looked around and
saw him leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen, arms folded across his
chest.

“Thanks
for your help,” April smiled at him, trying to lighten the mood.

“What’s
going to happen when that thing pees everywhere?” he scowled.

“That’s
why we have the pads,” Emily said. “It’s happened before.”

“Are
you okay?” Scott turned to April.

She
examined her forearm where an ugly bruise was already forming. “A little beat
up, but I’m fine. Exciting, huh?”

He
rolled his eyes and pushed away from the doorway. “I’m going to take a shower and
then check my email.” He disappeared down the basement stairs and they heard a door
slam.

“Whoa.”
Trevor muttered. “Why’s he so mad?”

“He’s
not used to this; he’ll come around,” April said. She got to her feet. “Where’s
Ben?”

“Still
in bed,” Emily said. “We were watching cartoons.”

“Help
me get him up. He’ll love this.”

Ben
crowed with delight when he saw the goat. April parked his wheelchair next to
the blanket and he nodded in approval and smiled.

“Cool,
huh?” Emily said to him. Her eyes danced with excitement. “It’s been a long
time since we’ve had a goat in the house.”

April
returned her smile. “Let’s get some pictures for Mom and Dad.”

They
spent the next hour taking selfies with the goat, who seemed content to sleep
in the warmth.

By
morning the goat was better and paced restlessly around the room bleating to be
set free. “She’s well enough to walk,” Trevor said, throwing a rope around its
neck. He took the goat back to the barn while April cleaned up the inevitable
mess it left. If only cleaning up her relationship with Scott could be so easy.

“Donna
is here and
everyone else is in the car. Are you ready?” April asked.

Scott
glanced up from his notes. “I’ve decided not to go.”

April
bit her lip. The tension between them was growing and they’d been tiptoeing
around each other for the past two days. She had hoped the carnival would give
them the chance to loosen up and enjoy being together again.

“I
really want you to come,” she urged. “It’s so much fun. The rides are actually
pretty great for a small town carnival, and there are games and all kinds of
weird food to try. And the whole thing feels like a fairytale because it’s the
middle of winter.”

“I’m
not in the mood.”

“Please?”
she wheedled.

“April
… I. Don’t. Want. To.” He emphasized each word as if she were a toddler.

“It’s
always about what you want, isn’t it?” she snapped. “We drive
your
car,
listen to
your
music, eat at
your
favorite restaurants … and now we’ll
probably be getting married at
your
church, too. Maybe you should try
thinking about someone else for a change.”

He
threw down his pen. “And this past week counts for nothing? In case you’ve
forgotten, we’re at
your
house with
your
family, taking care of
your
siblings and living with
your
smelly animals. Believe me, spending Christmas
in hicksville was definitely not high on my priority list.”

No
one said anything for a minute. Finally April sighed. “I’m sorry.”

He
rubbed his eyes. “Go to the carnival,” he said quietly. “We can talk when you
get home.”

“I
don’t have to go; maybe we should talk now. It’s long overdue, isn’t it?”

“We
can talk later. Let’s not disappoint Emily,” Scott replied.

“What
about disappointing
me
?” April muttered. But if Scott heard her, he gave
no sign.

The
Snow Valley carnival was a perfect blend of Christmas magic and carnival fun. April
had been looking forward to it all month, but now her excitement had dimmed.
She and Scott had had disagreements in the past, but nothing as serious as this.

Well,
maybe it was a good thing. It was high time they cleared the air. He could cool
off at home and she could cool off, literally, at the carnival and they could
have a heart to heart when they were both in better moods.

The
carnival was busy and they had to park several blocks away, April was already
cold by the time they reached the ticket window. Trevor took off with his friends
as soon as they entered the gate and April didn’t expect to see him again until
the end of the night.

“What
do you want to do, Em?” she turned to her little sister.

“Everything,”
Emily said, bouncing in anticipation.

An
hour later, April staggered off the Scrambler for the third time and slumped against
the barrier fence with a groan. The world spun and the deep fried Oreo she’d
eaten was alarmingly close to coming back up.

“Let’s
go again,” Emily prodded.

“I
can’t,” April groaned. She blinked hard and tried to focus her eyes. “I will
die
if I ride that thing one more time.”

“Then
can I go by myself? Please.”

“Absolutely
not.” There was no way she would let Emily wander around alone in this huge
crowd.

Emily
pouted until April started to feel guilty. This was Emily’s night. But when she
tried to move, the ground lurched and she clutched at the fence. “Give me a few
minutes, okay?”

“This
is so lame,” Emily rolled her eyes. “Can I text Trevor and have him come meet
us?”

April
dug her phone from her pocket and offered it to Emily. “Be my guest.”

It
took several minutes for Trevor to show up and a few more minutes of persuasion
before he grudgingly agreed to let Emily tag along.

“Don’t
worry about me,” April called after them as they ran off. “I’ll be fine … here
on the fence … by myself.” Of course, they didn’t hear her.

April
watched the crowds surging by. She thought she saw her friend Kazlyn across the
midway walking with a very tall stranger, but couldn’t be sure through all the
people.

She
knew he was there before she saw him. It was as if she had a sixth sense, a
Wade-finding
sense
that went off whenever he was near. A tingle shot through her as she
turned her head and saw him approaching.

“Too
many rides on the Scrambler?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.

She
shook her head gingerly. “I never should have done that.”

“So,
I’m guessing if I asked you to go on the Whip with me right now, that’d be a
'no'?” he said and laughed when she groaned. “You must be getting old. You used
to run from one ride to the next all night.”

“We
used to run from one
ride to the next all night,” she said, without thinking.

They
had. It didn’t matter how low the temperature dipped or how thickly the snow
fell, every year they raced around the carnival, trying to get in as many rides
as possible before the night was over. Darting through the crowds, laughing,
teasing, tugging one another's hand in excitement. She remembered.

“Yeah,”
Wade said softly, “
We.
” He glanced around. “Where’s the fiancé?”

“Home.
And I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Good.
I don’t want to talk about him either,” Wade replied. He jerked his head in the
direction of the midway. “Can you walk?”

Suddenly,
she didn’t feel quite so dizzy anymore.

The
midway was lit by the thousands of Christmas lights draped over booths lining long
aisles of snow that had been packed hard by hundreds of feet. Carnies called to
passersby and a brass band played Christmas carols. Smells of roasted
chestnuts, popcorn, wassail, and anything and everything
fried
wafted
through the air. Several Santas circled among the crowd. One was a clown in a
Santa suit and April shuddered and edged closer to Wade. Old Saint Nick or not,
clowns were creepy.

They
wandered around laughing, talking, and stopping occasionally to watch a game,
try some crazy food, examine the items for sale, or chat with someone they
knew. April was amazed how many people had returned to Snow Valley for
Christmas. Like her, they were seeking that special kind of magic found only at
home.

She
had a twinge of guilt at the thought of Scott, but pushed it aside. She had
given him the chance to be here tonight; she wasn’t going to let his bad mood
ruin her fun.

Okay,
she was justifying. The truth was, she was almost glad he stayed home because
she was having more fun with Wade than she would have had with Scott. She
thought of Emily’s statement after Big C’s that
Wade was way more fun.
It
was true. Just being with him gave her a feeling of giddiness that had nothing
to do with too many turns on the Scrambler. Had it always been this way? Or had
he been so much a part of her life that she had taken him for granted?

“Tell
me what you’ve been doing,” Wade said as they sat on a bench sharing a bag of
kettle corn. “How’s school?”

She
told him about her classes – the ones she loved and the ones she hated,
about the roommate who was such a cheapskate she stole toilet paper from the
library, and about her worry she wouldn’t graduate on time.

“When
do you graduate?” he asked.

“It
was supposed to be next year,” she hedged. “But I’m changing my major again so
that’ll set me back a little bit.”

“Why
are you changing?”

She
fiddled with the cuff of her heavy knit gloves. “Being a social worker doesn’t
pay very much and Sco …
I
decided it would be a really tough job, so I switched
to business.”

“I’ve
never known you to be afraid of hard work,” Wade said after a pause. “If social
work is what you love, why not go for it?”

“Just
… because.” She reached for a handful of popcorn and searched for a change of
subject. “I heard you bought the Eddington place.”

“Last
year.” He tossed a kernel into the air and caught it in his mouth.

She
thought of the dilapidated barns, ringed by a sea of broken down cars and
rusting farm equipment. When she had been there with Anoria, the house was dark
and musty and in desperate need of repairs.

And
Wade bought it. Because
of course
he did.

“Isn’t
that …” she broke off; it was none of her business.

“What?”

“I
wondered why you’d pick that place.”

“It’s
in a nice canyon.”

She
ground her teeth. Same old Wade. It was as if he
wanted
to make life as difficult
as possible.

“Is
that okay?” he asked after a few moments when she remained quiet.

“Yeah,
fine. It’s your life,” April replied, striving for indifference. “I don’t care
what you do.”

“Yes,
you do,” Wade grinned. “You want to tear into me right now so badly I can
almost
see
steam coming out of your ears.”

“I
do not!”

He
crumpled the empty popcorn bag and tossed it into a nearby trashcan. “Yeah,
right. Are you done being dizzy yet? Let’s go on some rides.”

They
rode the bumper cars and the Whip and the Ferris Wheel in rapid succession and
it all seemed so familiar and so natural that April had to keep reminding
herself
not
to grab his hand. He appeared to be having the same
struggle. His hand twitched toward hers several times and when they got on the
Ferris Wheel, he stretched his arm along the back of the seat as she sat down
and then hastily withdrew it.

They
didn’t hold hands and he didn’t put his arm around her, but they
did
sit
closer than was strictly necessary. As they soared up over the carnival, April
tried to pretend there was no choice, she
had
to sit with her shoulder
pressed tightly against his so that, even through the thickness of their coats,
her skin seemed to tingle. The rush of butterflies in her stomach whenever his
leg brushed against hers was exhilarating. She hadn’t felt that in a very long
time.

When
they got off the Tidal Wave, April glanced at her phone and was startled to see
how late it had become. “I’d better get Em and Trevor home,” she said
regretfully. She began texting Trevor, but Wade plucked the phone from her
grasp. She looked up.

“Wait,”
he said in a low tone. “Talk for a minute?”

Her
pulse sped up and she nodded.

They
sought privacy behind the tractor trailers that held the mazes, spook alleys,
and fun houses. When they reached the shadows, Wade stopped abruptly and she
almost crashed into him as he turned to face her. The urge to wrap her arms
around his waist was so strong it left her aching and breathless. She took a
few steps back to put some distance between them and for a long moment they stared
at each other.

“You
can’t marry him,” Wade finally said.

Her
throat was dry and her heart pounded in her ears.

“I
mean it, April. I still love you. And you still love me – I can see it in
your eyes.”

She
took a shaky breath, trying to think, trying to sort through the emotions
crashing through her. What was nostalgia and what was real?

“Well?”
he pressed.

“Please,
don’t do this,” she pleaded.

“Why?”

“Because
I can’t … I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“Yes,
you do. You still love me, don’t you?”

All
she had to say was no.
No, Wade, I don’t love you anymore.
He would go
away and she could go back to her life, back to Scott, and pretend none of this
had happened.

I
don’t love you anymore.

She
looked into his brown eyes. “I still love you,” she whispered.

He
closed the distance between them in two quick strides and wrapped his arms around
her, pulling her close. They were both wearing down filled coats and for a
moment she felt like two marshmallows trying to hug. It would have been funny
if she hadn’t been trembling at his closeness, his familiarity, the way he was
the perfect height to rest her cheek against his chest. If not for the coat,
she would have been able to hear his heartbeat.

Finally,
he loosened his hold, but didn’t let her go. “Did you mean it? You’re not saying
what you think I want to hear?”

“Do
you think I’d start this much turmoil if I didn’t mean it?” she said. Things
were tense before … now what? She’d just tossed a grenade into the ring.

“Now
what?” Wade echoed her thoughts.

“I
don’t know,” she sighed. “I guess there are a lot of things I need to sort
out.”

“Such
as?” he reached out to tuck a curl back under her hat.