Fighting Redemption (25 page)

Ryan rubbed a hand over his jaw. “You don’t need to understand, Fin.”

“Why can’t you tell me why you put yourself through it? You could have had a better life somewhere else, you …”

Oh God.
Somewhere else
. Away from her. If he went into the system it was possible she might never have seen him again. Her chest started rising and falling a little harder.

“Look at me, Ryan.” Ryan looked up and the pleading she saw in his eyes had her heart pounding so hard she thought she was going to be sick.

“Oh no,” she whispered, denial flooding her hard. “No, no, no. No!” she shrieked, scrambling for the door handle, desperate to escape what she saw in his eyes. He stayed for
her
.

“Fin!”

He made a grab for her, but the car door was open and she was already running. Her feet pounded hard and fast along the road, panic careening wildly through her system as the night air washed over her face.

“Fin!” Ryan yelled.

Fin ignored him, focusing on outrunning the pain that was weighing heavily in her gut. Her arm was seized in an unbreakable grip, Ryan yanking at her bicep until she was forced to a stop. “Let me go!”

“I’m sorry,” he said, breathless. He wrapped his arms around her, and when her legs gave out, they sank to the ground on the side of the road.

Fin buried her face in his chest, her fingers curling into his shirt. “Why would you do that?”

“I couldn’t leave you. Not then. If Mike and Julie spoke up, I’d have lost you, and you were the only thing in my life that kept me going.” He rubbed her back as she cried, the tears tasting salty and bitter on her lips. “Breathe, baby.”

She inhaled his warm, male scent deep into her lungs. “Every time he hit you, every time he made you bleed, you let him because of me.”

“Oh God,” he moaned into her hair. “Don’t. You don’t understand. I told Kassidy to kick that ball. I was the one that was supposed to be looking out for her. I let him hurt me because that was my punishment for her dying. I was supposed to be her brother, and I let her down. Then you were there, so bright and happy just like she was, and I couldn’t let you go.”

“But you did. Eventually you let me go and you didn’t look back.”

His arms tightened around her. “Because I grew up and realised that someone as smart as you, with a heart as deep and as wide as the ocean, deserved someone who wasn’t broken to love you. I’m still broken, Fin, and I don’t know if that will ever change.”

Why couldn’t he see how worthy he was?
Fin pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were dull and tired, filled with so much regret.
I wasn’t enough for him.
She shuddered as a chill swept through her veins. “I love you, Ryan,” she whispered, desperation edging her voice.

“I love you too,” he replied hoarsely.

Ryan kissed her. His lips were warm, his mouth hot. She could feel his heart hammering in his chest as she pressed against him. When headlights from a car flashed in the distance, she realised it was dark, and they were sitting in the gutter.

Ryan stood, bringing her with him. He brushed his hand down her dress, removing bits of dirt and grass that clung to her clothes. Even now, after everything he’d been through, he was still taking care of her, putting her above everything else—even himself. “Stop.”

Ryan stopped. “Are you okay?”

No. Her hands trembled. How could she ever be okay as long as Ryan wasn’t? He was standing there, patiently waiting for her to answer, his concern palpable.

Fin nodded, knowing that was what he needed to see.

Ryan trailed his thumb along her bottom lip, heat following its path. “We should go,” he told her, his eyes on her lips.

“We should,” she murmured, but Fin didn’t want to go to dinner now. She wanted to stay home. She wanted to feel Ryan hard and aching, feel his heart—his blood—pulsing deeply inside her.

“If you keep looking at me like that, we won’t be going anywhere except inside where I can fuck you hard enough to block out the entire world.”

Fin’s mouth went dry. The soft streetlight cast Ryan half in shadow, adding a dark intensity to the hard planes of his face. His wide shoulders and the tanned muscles roping his arms and chest were illuminated flawlessly. Her eyes fell to the waistband of his jeans, and her hands, now on his hips, eased the hem up slightly on his fitted shirt, baring a small sliver of skin. She skimmed her hand across his warm, taut stomach, letting her hand slide around his torso and glide up and over his back.

Fin looked up at him from beneath her lashes as Ryan shuddered beneath her touch. “I want you.”

He exhaled audibly, dipping his head and sweeping her lips up in his, their pressure hard and wild as her heart thumped madly. She dug her fingers into his bare skin and he groaned. “I want you too. All the damn time.”

Ryan grabbed her hand and dragged her back towards the car. Fin scrambled to keep up with his rapid pace. The driver’s door was still wide open, the interior light shining brightly in the dark. Without missing a beat, he slammed the door shut and continued around the hood of the car. His free hand dug into the pocket of his jeans as he strode purposefully towards the front door. Pulling out a set of keys, he twisted and tossed them towards her. She caught them by sheer luck.

“Open the door,” he ordered, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

With shaky hands, Fin turned towards the door. Standing behind her, Ryan bunched up the hem of her dress, his warm, calloused palms scraping along her thighs. She fumbled the keys as he settled his hands on her hips, pressing his hard length against her ass. Heat flushed her body when he leaned in and bit her earlobe. “Hurry up,” he breathed.

How was she supposed to hurry when she could barely stand? Finally getting the key to slide into the lock, she turned it, hearing the bolt slide free with relief. Ryan reached around her and shoved the door open, pushing her inside as he followed close behind.

She was slammed into from behind and pushed against the wall, Ryan burying his head in her neck as he licked and bit at her skin. “Don’t wait, Ryan. Please,” she moaned and dragged in a deep breath. “Need you inside me. Now.”

Ryan spun her around and taking hold of her panties, dipped down as he yanked them off. She stepped out of them, and as he stood, she reached for his belt buckle. He slapped his palms against the wall above her shoulders, his mouth finding hers in a kiss that was hot and desperate. Fin dragged his zipper down, and Ryan groaned as she reached inside his boxer briefs and freed him, gripping him tightly as she stroked. He was so hard she could feel his blood hot and pulsing in her palms.

One of his hands came off the wall as he tore free from their kiss, finding its way between her legs. His mouth trailed hungrily down her neck as he slid a finger roughly inside her.

“Ryan!” she cried out, pleasure pooling hotly in her belly.

“Baby,” he moaned, slipping in another finger and twisting forcefully. He nipped her skin with his teeth and then licked it better. “I can never get enough of you.”

Ryan slid his fingers away, and she whimpered at the loss.

“Need you,” she rasped.

“You’ll get me,” he replied roughly. He dug both hands into the backs of her thighs and yanked her upwards. She squeezed both her arms around his neck, feeling his muscles flex effortlessly as he pressed her into the wall. “Fuck,” he growled, looking down.

“What?” she breathed as she rubbed up against him.

“Your dress. I want to see myself sliding in and out of you, but it’s in the way.”

Untangling herself from his hard body, she shoved him back. He stood, breathing heavy, as she wrenched her dress up over her head and tossed it towards the floor. Her bra followed soon after. Seconds ticked by as he stared at her. She shivered under the craving in his eyes.

“Ryan,” she pleaded.

“Jesus, baby.” He reached down and stroked himself.

Her mouth dry, she swallowed. “What?”

“I could come just standing here looking at you—that golden skin of yours all flushed and begging for me.” Ryan’s hand kept rubbing and tugging as his eyes took her in. “Come here.”

Fin moved towards him, instinct taking full control of her body. Ryan reached for her, picking her up in his arms. His rough clothing scratched at her sensitive skin as she rolled her hips against him. He walked her towards the couch and sank down into it, leaving her straddling him.

“Now,” he commanded through gritted teeth, his voice strained.

Kneeling above him, she slid down on his hard length, moaning as he filled her.

“Oh
fuck
,” he groaned, his eyes watching their connection with lowered lids.

“Ryan,” she breathed as she moved over him. He was inside her, and right now, she needed nothing else except for him to stay there.

“Mmm?” His eyes locked on hers.

“Harder,” she moaned. She wanted it to hurt. She wanted to never stop feeling him, even when he wasn’t there.

His hips snapped up at her command and she cried out, her fingers digging into his shoulders. With one hand gripping her hip hard, Ryan splayed the other across her belly. He rubbed, moving upwards until he rolled her nipple sharply in her fingers. Fin’s head fell back when he leaned in and took the other in his mouth, sucking deeply.

Oh God, what this man made her feel.
Even as her legs trembled, aching from their straddled position over his hips, Fin felt she could keep moving like that forever.

Ryan scraped his teeth over her skin, biting the tender skin before pulling free. Both hands now on her hips, he slammed inside her, her body jolting with the force as pleasure shattered her apart.

“Fuck,” she heard him mutter as her body clenched around him. Her eyes fluttered open to find him watching her intently. His lips were parted, his cheeks flushed, and when he came, all his muscles pulled tight as he ground his body inside her, growling her name wildly.

Fear rising swiftly, Fin buried her face into his neck. She wanted him like this forever, wrapped around her like she was all that mattered. But his words came back to haunt her.

“I’m still broken, Fin, and I don’t know if that will ever change.”

Peeling herself away, she knew that no matter how much love pulsed between them, she wasn’t enough and it was possible she never would be.

“We should probably go now,” she told him.

“If you say so.” Ryan’s lips curled and life sparked in his eyes, making her heart ache unbearably.

After a quick shower, Fin and Ryan arrived at her parents’ house. His heart had been in his throat the entire drive as Fin crunched and ground the gears of his beloved car. He didn’t yell once, and if that wasn’t love, he didn’t know what was.

Fin had a tendency to get far too distracted with scenery rather than keeping her eyes peeled to the road. Usually he found her sweet inattention endearing, but not when it involved driving his car. Even the relief he felt when Fin pulled into the driveway wasn’t enough to take his mind from the nerves seeing Mike and Julie evoked.

Julie had cried the moment he stepped through the front door and leaned up to fold him in her arms. He had to hand the pie off to Mike in order to hug her back. Mike had stood there, fighting his own tears, and it hurt to see his tough exterior worn down with so much grief.

The dinner that followed had felt almost normal—as long as he kept his eyes from the empty place where Jake used to sit.

“You’re part of the family, Ryan,” Mike told him later that night as they both sat on the back patio after dinner. “T
o
us you were simply another son.”

“Thank you, Mike,” he murmured.

“Your mum and dad, they were never your parents, we were. We still are. Don’t stay away anymore,” he ordered. Picking up his beer and holding it in both hands, Mike cleared his throat. “Now tell me what happened.”

After setting his drink on the table, Ryan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and focusing his eyes on the cream coloured pavers he’d helped Jake and Mike lay so many years ago. “It was a nest of insurgents, sir,” he began, his stomach pitching at having to relive the memory. “We were dropped near the mountains for a patrol that was going to take us inside enemy territory. They weren’t supposed to be there. We were quiet and careful, but they must have seen us coming from miles away. By the time our patrol was deep in the mountains with dawn approaching, we were surrounded. It didn’t look good so we radioed for support, but they came too late. Jake ran for a clear spot to take out a PKM that was stopping us from retreating when someone high up on a ridge fired down on him.” Ryan swallowed, the image of Jake falling vivid in his mind. “I was supposed to cover him,” he whispered. “I ran out into open fire and dragged him back, but he was already gone. It happened so quickly.”

God. The blood. He could still smell it. The metallic tang of it had been thick in the air as it flooded over his hands and soaked into the ground. He rubbed a hand across his face, but the smell, the fear, the hollow ache—it all lived inside him and was something that would never be wiped away.

“Ryan.”