Finding Ashlynn (6 page)

Right after school, she went home and dropped her backpack on her bed, then riffled through it until she found everything she needed for her homework. If she could get the assignments she had done before dinner, then maybe she could get out of the house for a few hours and meet Ash somewhere between their neighborhoods. First, though, she needed to make sure it was cool with Ash.

She dug out her phone, and of course, Ash had made it to the coveted spot of number one on her speed dial, bumping Stella down to two and her parents down to three. Anyone who looked at Jenna’s phone would know by that alone how much Ash meant to her. There would totally be no question about it.

The phone rang and rang and rang, and for a moment, Jenna doubted her newfound sweetheart would answer. Then she heard Ash’s groggy voice on the other end.

“Were you asleep already?” Jenna asked.

“Kinda. I think I’m getting sick.”

“No,” Jenna whined.

Selfishly, her first thought was not of Ash’s well-being. If Ash ended up getting sick, they probably wouldn’t get to see each other, and that would be straight-up torture. And when she realized how self-centered she was being, she face-palmed herself hard enough she could hear the smack echoing in the phone.

“You okay?” Ash asked.

“I think I should be asking you that question.” Jenna sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed. “I was being a brat about not seeing you instead of worrying about your well-being.”

Ash laughed, which trailed off into a coughing fit. It lasted a good minute, and frankly, Jenna hated the idea of Ash being in any sort of pain.

“Can I do anything for you?” Jenna asked softly.

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I’m skipping band practice tonight. Just gonna try to sleep it off.”

“Will you let me bring you some soup or some medicine or… or something?”

Even through the phone, she heard Ash sigh. Then she heard the squeaking of old bedsprings and the rustling of sheets. “You don’t need to come to my neighborhood,” Ash said. “It’s not real safe.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.”

Admittedly, it was nice to know Ash cared enough to not want her venturing into the dark underbelly of a side of town that frankly scared the crap out of Jenna, but right now, where Ash lived didn’t matter. Jenna didn’t want Ash to be alone and didn’t care if she had to brave the crime-ridden Westside to run to Ash’s aid.

“Please, let me come over. I won’t stay long, I swear.”

There was a long amount of silence, too long, and Jenna had the feeling it really had nothing to do with the part of town Ash lived in and more to do with Ash’s pride. The thing Ash didn’t understand was that nothing would change the way Jenna felt about her. Nothing would push Jenna away unless Ash didn’t want her around.

“You don’t want me to see where you live, do you?” Jenna asked.

“Not really.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

Okay, Jenna could let it go and accept Ash’s not wanting her to see where she lived… for now. It sort of hurt Jenna’s feelings that Ash didn’t trust her not to be judgmental, but Ash wouldn’t know she could trust Jenna completely, not yet anyway.

“Well, um…,” Jenna said softly, hoping the disappointment she felt didn’t seep through into her voice. “I guess I’ll let you get some rest.”

“You know it’s not that I don’t want to see you, right? I mean, I really do.”

“I know.”

“Maybe I can come out and meet you tomorrow night,” Ash offered.

“Just get better, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, tomorrow,” Ash said, then the line went dead.

Jenna fell back on her bed and hugged her phone to her chest. It felt completely silly to be so devastated for not being able to visit Ash while she was under the weather, but Jenna
was
devastated, completely and totally. She wanted nothing more than to help Ash get well, to make sure she was comfortable and taking care of herself, half because she knew Ash had no one else, half because she wanted to be the one by her side. But Jenna couldn’t be there because Ash didn’t want her to be.

She rolled over onto her side, still holding the phone to her chest, still wearing the clothes and shoes she’d worn to school that day, and somewhere in her silly brooding, she fell asleep. It wasn’t until the alarm clock went off the next morning that Jenna realized she’d missed dinner and missed her homework, had missed her nightly ritual of showering, cleansing her face, and brushing her teeth. She’d even missed a text or two from Ash.

One said, “I’m sorry.”

The other said, “I wish you were here.”

T
HURSDAY
,
when Ash woke up, she still felt like someone had set off a bomb inside her skull. The one night the weather had dropped more than twenty degrees, then abruptly rose again, had triggered a meltdown of all function from the neck up. Her whole body ached as if she’d been run over. Truth be told, she wanted to curl up in a ball and pass out for the next six months.

But she wanted to see Jenna more.

The clock on her phone told her she’d slept through lunch and into late afternoon. Jenna had sent her a text or two to check on her, but Ash had missed them both. Didn’t matter anyway, she wanted to hear Jenna’s voice and wanted to see her angelic, smiling face. Somehow, she knew Jenna would make her feel like a million bucks again.

The only problem was, Ash didn’t want the suburban princess to see the squalor she lived in. This thing they had going on right now seemed to be on the right path to something bigger, and Ash didn’t want the roach motel she called a home ruining that for her.

She sat up on the edge of the bed, flipped open her cheap cell phone again, and responded to the text Jenna had sent her earlier—just a simple “Hey, I’m alive” at first. She quickly followed with a second one that read “And I miss you.”

Maybe she shouldn’t have sent that second one so soon. They’d only just met about two weeks ago and, with the exception of one utterly out-of-this-world night, they hadn’t spent any other time together. It seemed a little too soon for feelings like that… wasn’t it?

When the phone vibrated against her hand, Ash nearly jumped out of her skin. It stole the breath she’d been fighting to take and sent her into a fit of coughing and sneezing, which meant she hadn’t really gotten any better, despite what she’d been commanding her body to do since yesterday. The phone vibrated again, and she realized Jenna hadn’t simply texted her back, but had called instead.

“Hello?” she said, voice nasally, throat rough as sandpaper.

“Poor thing,” Jenna said. “You sound horrible.”

“I feel horrible.”

“I won’t keep you. I, um… just wanted to check on you.”

“No, you can keep me,” Ash blurted, and when she realized what she’d said, her cheeks all but caught fire, and it wasn’t from the fever she’d been running. “I meant, you’re not bothering me.”

“I kinda liked the way you put it the first time.”

The teasing lilt in Jenna’s voice made Ash smile. That was probably the first time she’d smiled since Wednesday. Oh yeah, Jenna could totally keep her.

“I guess you’re out of school, huh?” Ash asked, quickly changing the subject.

“Yeah, just got home.”

“I have band practice tonight.”

“You really should stay in bed. You won’t get better if you’re running around in the cold.”

“It’s just as cold in the apartment. The heater’s broke. I called the maintenance man yesterday, but the dude hasn’t shown up.”

“God, I would totally keep you warm,” she heard Jenna whisper.

It sounded like something Ash wasn’t meant to hear, like one of those thoughts that haphazardly spilled out of the speaker’s mouth when it should’ve remained in the quiet confines of their brain. For a brief second, Ash thought about letting it go and pretending Jenna had never said anything, but she couldn’t do it. For some silly reason, she wanted Jenna to know she felt the same way.

“I wish you
could
keep me warm….”

“All you have to do is let me come over,” Jenna drawled. “I’ll stay and cuddle and take care of you and—”

“Jenna….”

“Ash, I don’t care where you live. I don’t care how much money your dad makes. I’m not that shallow. I only care about making you feel better, ’kay? Please let me.”

Ash really couldn’t deny the desperation in Jenna’s pleading. She didn’t get it, didn’t understand why Jenna cared so much, but clearly, Jenna did. Honestly, Ash wanted nothing more than to have Jenna there with her, keeping her company and helping her through the righteous cold she’d developed, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell Jenna to come over. The idea of Jenna’s nose curling when she saw the cracked and mildewing walls, or having Jenna look horrified by the idea of sitting on the toilet, made Ash’s gut knot. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t let Jenna see the ratty furniture and the broken windows. She couldn’t let Jenna see there was no food in the fridge. The idea of Jenna being disgusted with her and her life… well, it tore at Ash’s heart.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ash finally said. “I’ll be at the meeting, I promise.”

“Ashlynn….”

“Good night, Jenna,” she said and hung up the phone before Jenna had a chance to beg her not to.

“
Y
OU
look like someone stole your favorite toy,” Stella—or rather
Steven
—said as he hooked his arm around Jenna’s. She smelled the Nautica cologne he only wore at school or in front of his parents.

“I’m okay,” Jenna said with a shrug.

Though most of their fellow students were incredibly happy it was Friday, Jenna couldn’t bring herself to share in their joy. Last night had been a rough one. She hadn’t slept well, not after the conversation with Ash ended the way it did. The tone in Ash’s sickly voice hadn’t been hostile, but frustrated, as if Jenna’s asking to come over was no better than beating a dead horse and really only got on Ash’s nerves.

“Hey,” Steven said, pulling Jenna back. “What’s wrong with you?”

Jenna sighed. “Have you ever really wanted to get close to someone, but they keep pushing you away?”

“No, I’m normally the one pushing people away before they can get too close.”

He dropped his stare down the length of his body, the soft blue T-shirt hugging his slender form and the faded jeans hanging down to his Nikes. He never looked as happy as Steven as he did as Stella, and Jenna wished like hell he would just come out already. She loved her best friend in either a dress or jeans, but she loved her best friend more when he smiled and had that glowing, free spirit she’d come to adore.

“Right.” Jenna hugged her books to her chest and turned to walk down the hall. Steven stayed close by, and after a few quiet minutes, Jenna admitted, “I want to get close to Ashlynn. I mean, if nothing else, just to be her friend, but I don’t know. I don’t think she wants the same thing.”

“Well, I can tell you she’s definitely interested in you.”

Giving Steven a sideways grin, Jenna perked up a bit and asked, “Really?”

“Oh my God, you should’ve seen her last Friday night. She looked so bummed when you didn’t show up. And after I gave her your number, she couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

“We spent the night together.”

“See? How could you say she’s not interested?” Steven gave her a nudge and a wink. “I gotta go, sweetie. You want me to pick you up tonight?”

“Please.”

“Okay.” He kissed her temple, then took off down the hall.

She watched him walk away, watched as he stifled the sway of his naturally curvy hips and squared his shoulders. Steven—or Stella—had the kindest heart of anyone Jenna had ever known, and she wished more than anything he—or she—could find someone caring enough to see past the body Stella was put in and love her for her soul.

The remainder of the day carried on in slow motion. It seemed like every tick of the minute hand on the clock took twice as long to go by. Jenna tried to make herself stop staring, but every time she looked away, she thought about Ash and how nothing would make her happier than seeing her punky friend, like
right now
.

When the end of the school day came, she couldn’t wait to get home. She might’ve even pushed the speed limit just a little. She took a shower and dressed in something cute, but not as frilly and flowery as she normally wore. The shirt was black and the hoodie pink. Faded jeans and black, heeled boots finished the look. As always, she used her makeup sparingly, but rained Victoria’s Secret perfume down over her body. Then she headed outside to wait for Stella.

As the sun descended on the horizon, Jenna sat on the front porch swing, watching the bright pink-and-gold sky fade to dark blue. The moon was full and the stars twinkled brightly. Cool air gusted by again and again, making her shiver with each pass, whipping the American flag around in the night.

She kept her phone between her hands, wondering if Ash would ever text her again. Neither one had sent a single message all day, and Jenna missed her more than she probably should have.

“Please let her be there tonight,” she whispered toward the sky. “I want to see her again.”

Headlights appeared at the entrance to her street. They grew bright and closer, too quickly for it to be anyone from Jenna’s neighborhood. Everyone always took it very slow cruising through there, even when there were no kids out playing to beware of. She hooded her eyes with the length of her forearm, and only then could she make out the little red import behind it.

Stella was there.

Jenna popped her head inside the door and yelled, “Mom, Dad, Stella’s here. I’m going. I’ll be back later.” She didn’t wait for her parents to acknowledge her before tearing down the driveway and right up to Stella’s car. When she opened the door, club music and the scent of Stella’s Victoria’s Secret perfume hit her hard.

“Where did you change clothes?” Jenna said as she climbed into the passenger seat.

“At the library. No one even noticed me.”

“Because you look like a woman, sweetie.”