Finding Ashlynn (7 page)

“I’m all woman,” Stella said with a flirty laugh as she punched the gas pedal to the floorboard.

With Stella taking the road at speeds uncomfortable for Jenna, they arrived at the community center with about ten minutes to spare. The advisers were already there, preparing the room for the night’s meeting. A few of the boys were hanging out on the couch. The others hadn’t arrived yet. More importantly, Ash wasn’t there either.

Shoulders sagging, Jenna slinked into the room with Stella regally sauntering behind her. Jenna sat down in her normal spot—one of the two overstuffed chairs across from the couch. Stella took her normal spot as well. They didn’t say anything to each other because Jenna wasn’t really in the mood for talking, and Stella recognized Jenna’s icky moods better than anyone.

Jenna looked down at her phone. Ash still hadn’t texted her, and honestly, Jenna was afraid their conversation last night marked the end of anything that could’ve existed between them. It made Jenna want to cry. She’d only wanted to take care of Ash, nothing more, nothing less.

A
SH
tightened her hoodie around her body. The night was much cooler than it had been before, and every gust of wind felt like needles prickling against her warm cheeks. She wasn’t 100 percent well yet, but felt a whole lot better than she had yesterday, and she couldn’t wait to see Jenna again.

When she opened the door, she spotted Jenna first, curled up on one of the overstuffed chairs. She was staring down at her phone as if she were reading something or maybe waiting on a text. The expression on her face gave away her worry—the pursed brows, the way she chewed her bottom lip… the way she wasn’t paying attention to her best friend.

Ash wondered if that worry had anything to do with her.

She stepped into the room and, when Stella’s stare landed on Ash, a smile spread her bright-red lips. She gave Jenna a nudge. Jenna raised her head, and it seemed as if everything in the world suddenly stopped. The two of them were in a tunnel and nothing outside that circle of light existed.

Hugging herself a little tighter, Ash gave Jenna a subtle smile—an
I’m-so-glad-to-see-you
look. When Jenna’s grin grew wider, Ash’s entire body instantly warmed. Ash nodded toward the door, signaling for Jenna to join her outside the room. She wanted to hug Jenna and kiss her at least once without everyone seeing them. Plus, she really had something she needed to say.

Jenna stood and headed across the room. Ash held the door open, waiting for the most beautiful girl in the world to walk through. She caught a whiff of Jenna’s perfume in passing and only then did she realize how badly she’d missed being so close to Jenna. She missed the clean scent of flowers and the way Jenna’s skin glistened, missed the warmth she felt when she found herself in Jenna’s arms.

As the door closed behind them, Ash reached out for Jenna’s hand and pulled her into a hug. Ash buried her face against the curve of Jenna’s neck and just… breathed. That’s all she could do for a second or two, just breathe in the long-missed scent of perfection.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Ash whispered. “I wanted to see you. I really did.”

She felt Jenna’s arms wrap around her, felt the weight of Jenna’s hand at her lower back, and Ash relaxed in her hold.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Jenna said. “I understand why you didn’t want me coming over—I mean, I don’t—but I do, if that makes sense. I just… I wanted to take care of you. I hated the idea of you being sick and alone, with no one to make you soup or… whatever. Ya know?”

“Yeah, I know. I would’ve loved the company, I promise.” Ash raised her head and looked Jenna right in the eyes. “I’m not ready for you to see my place. I… I gotta know it won’t turn you off of me before I can take you there.”

“It won’t, sweetie.” Jenna cradled Ash’s cheek with her warm hand and her gentle, slender fingers. “But I understand.”

“Thank you,” Ash whispered.

She closed her eyes and pressed her lips to Jenna’s. Nothing deep or passionate, nothing lewd or inappropriate. Just a simple, chaste kiss to let Jenna know how grateful Ash was for her being so understanding. Though honestly, it felt amazing to be that close to Jenna again.

The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled the girls away from each other. They looked over at exactly the same time and found Stella giving them a smirk. She said, “They’re ready to start. You two gonna join us?”

“Yeah,” Ash half laughed as she wrapped her fingers around Jenna’s hand.

Jenna’s cheeks had turned that adorable shade of rose again.

Stella held the door as they walked back into the meeting room and joined the little circle of the twelve or so guys and girls, some who religiously came to the Friday-night meetings. Jenna told Ash to take the chair and Jenna sat down on the floor in front of her, nestled between Ash’s legs. She laid her head on the inside of Ash’s knee. And though the advisers started to talk and do the round robin introductions for the straggling newcomers, Ash couldn’t help finding herself lost in the feel of Jenna cuddling against her leg.

Halfway through the meeting, somewhere between pizza and the worst karaoke Ash had ever heard, she decided she couldn’t take any more off-key renditions of
Glee
songs, and fighting the urge to kiss Jenna had become too hard. She hung in there for as long as she could, knowing how much Jenna loved being at the Friday night get-togethers, but Ash had had enough already.

She leaned forward, enough to almost reach Jenna’s ear, and said, “You wanna get out of here?”

“I would be abandoning Stella if I did.”

“I don’t mind,” Stella said, and both Jenna and Ash looked shocked that she’d heard them. “Seriously, go. I’m probably going to go out anyway.”

“You sure?” Jenna asked.

“Positive. You loveys have a great night, ’kay?”

Jenna popped up from the floor and kissed Stella’s cheek. Stella kissed her back.

When they crossed the threshold, out of the meeting room and into the hall, Ash reached for Jenna’s hand again. She couldn’t help herself. Holding Jenna’s hand felt so right—palms pressed together, fingers intertwined. Jenna belonged by her side, and the more time she spent with Jenna, the more she realized she never wanted anything to change.

W
HEN
they pulled up to Jenna’s house, her parents’ car wasn’t in the driveway as usual. They’d mentioned possibly having a date night, but it wasn’t set in stone or anything. Apparently, they’d decided to take that long-needed time away from the house together. Fine by Jenna. The house being empty gave her the time she wanted to spend with Ash, the kind of time that would’ve been embarrassing had her parents walked in on it.

The quality time she desired wasn’t about sex, but rather getting to know each other intimately without compromising Jenna’s virtue. She wanted to touch Ash, kiss her, and hold her, maybe get another glimpse of her body, but if the latter didn’t happen, Jenna would still be okay with any time she could get.

She led Ash up the stairs and to her bedroom, then closed the door behind them. Ash went straight to the bed and sat down on the edge, legs dangling over the mattress. In the dim light of the room, Ash didn’t look as pale as she had before, and the faint purple highlights fading from her hair were almost nonexistent now. The bags around her eyes from being sick, however, were accentuated in a crude way, but Ash still looked as beautiful as she had the first day Jenna laid eyes on her.

“So, um… we could watch a movie or something,” Jenna said as she stepped up to Ash.

The
or something
was what she really wanted to do. She wanted to have her hands on Ash’s skin, wanted to feel Ash’s warmth against her fingers as she explored Ash’s body. It was the first time Jenna had ever wanted something like that with anyone, and though it might’ve frightened her before, it didn’t this time.

“Do you
really
want to watch a movie?” Ash asked.

“No,” Jenna whispered.

“I didn’t think so.”

Biting her bottom lip, Jenna stared down at Ash with curious, hooded eyes. She could feel the weight in her heavy lids, could feel the heat in her face, and that increasingly present warmth fizzling up through the center of her being. Those feelings always seemed to make an appearance every time Ash was near.

Ash reached up with both hands and slid her fingers under Jenna’s shirt. This time, Jenna didn’t stop her. This time, Jenna wanted to learn from the girl who had a little more experience than she did. She wanted to know what being touched so intimately felt like, even if they didn’t end up going all the way.

“Are you okay with this?” Ash asked, still slipping her fingers up higher and higher.

Jenna nodded a little too quickly. She could already feel her mouth beginning to dry and the nervous tremble of her hands. “Yeah, I’m okay with it,” she said in a hushed voice.

“Are you sure? I can stop.”

“I’ll tell you when it’s too much.”

“Okay then.”

As Ash started easing Jenna’s shirt up, Jenna shimmied out of her hoodie. She let it fall to the floor without so much as a thought, and Ash stood up to pull the shirt over Jenna’s head, then tossed it down to the floor to join the pile of pink hoodie behind her.

Jenna suddenly became overly aware of her partial nudity by the feel of the air brushing over her skin and the feel of Ash’s hands on her hips. She hugged her torso low enough to cover her bare stomach, but not high enough to cover her pink lacy bra and the cleavage she’d never really paid attention to before.

Being exposed like that scared her so badly her hands shook harder. Breathing was almost impossible. Tingles rippled down her spine. But something hot, startling, and sensational erupted from between her thighs and exploded in her chest. It was exciting and terrifying and curious and….

“You’re beautiful,” Ash said as she ran the top of her forefinger over one of Jenna’s partially covered breasts.

“I’m scared,” Jenna breathlessly admitted.

“Don’t be, okay? I’m not going to do anything you don’t want to do, and I swear to God, I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I know you won’t, but aren’t you scared?”

“A little.” Ash shrugged. “I haven’t been with a girl before, not like this.” She slowly turned Jenna toward the bed and eased her down to the mattress. “But I want to. I want you to be the first.”

Jenna lay down and scooted back far enough for Ash to join her. Ash climbed up and knelt between her legs, but she didn’t immediately lower herself to Jenna’s body. She reached down, arms crossing, and slowly lifted her shirt away, keeping her gaze on Jenna. There was a not-so-innocent desire in Ash’s eyes, and the weight of that hungry stare stole the breath from Jenna’s body.

She wanted to give in to temptation so badly. Jenna wanted to strip away the rest of her clothes and let Ash have her way with her well-guarded virtue, but what would that leave them with? After sex—sex without love—where would their relationship go? Would Jenna be discarded for giving in so easily? Would Ash still be interested enough to keep her around?

Ash leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss right over Jenna’s sternum. The soft moistness of her lips against Jenna’s skin made her shiver. It made those excited little butterflies in her stomach start flittering.

“Is this okay for you?” Ash whispered, kissing her way toward Jenna’s lips—first at the hollow of her throat, then along the side of her neck, the edge of her jaw, and finally their mouths connected.

Of course this was okay. She liked the way their breasts pressed together, even if padded bras kept their skin from touching, even if their jeans kept their privates from being exposed to each other. What they had right now, what they were doing with each other, was perfect for now. Perfect because it left so much to the imagination and saved Jenna’s most precious gift for the person she would one day fall in love with. Maybe that person would be Ash. Maybe not. But for right now, this was all she wanted, and she wanted it with Ash.

Jenna moaned her approval into the kiss the moment Ash tucked her arms around Jenna’s body. They held each other like that—half naked in a warm embrace with their lips locked together—for a long while before Ash lifted up and said, “Maybe we should stop.”

But God help her, Jenna didn’t want to. She wanted to keep going, going until she gave up everything for Ash simply because it felt like the right thing to do. Instead of giving into her temptation though, she agreed… because it
was
the right thing to do.

“Maybe we should get some sleep,” she suggested.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

“You can borrow more sleep pants.”

“Or we could sleep like this.”

“Ash, my parents….”

With an obvious sigh, exaggerated most likely for Jenna’s benefit, Ash pushed up from the bed. She went straight to the dresser drawer where Jenna’s sleep pants would be and pulled out two pairs. She tossed the bright purple ones to Jenna. Her deliberate and focused movement, along with that sigh of exasperation, meant Ash wasn’t happy. Clearly. Neither was Jenna. She wanted everything Ash did; she just had a little more control over her desires.

“You understand why things are the way they are, right?”
Please say yes. Please say yes. Understand why I can’t have sex with you. Please.

“Of course I do,” Ash said as she dropped her pants in the middle of the floor. She stood there mostly naked, pale skin and bright red underwear with matching bra, talking as if it were no big deal. “Honestly, I respect you because of it. I just….” She climbed into the sleep pants one foot at a time, then grabbed her shirt from the floor and pulled it over her head. “I really want to be with you. Ya know?”

“Boy, do I,” Jenna said.

“I can wait until the time is right,” Ash continued as though she hadn’t heard what Jenna said. “Waiting will make it special.” She bent over and picked Jenna’s shirt up from the floor on her way back to the bed. “Waiting will make it more meaningful.” Ash guided Jenna’s arms upward, then pulled the shirt down over her body. “And that’s what I want from this… something special and something meaningful.”