First Times: Nine Tales of Innocence Lost (15 page)

I had a month off for a winter break. “I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Hang out, I guess. I don’t have a lot of money. I’ve been saving up for some stuff.”
 

“You know if you ever need anything, you can come to us.”

“I know, but I don’t want to be a burden. I feel like I’ve been hanging off someone else’s neck my whole life.”
 

“I know how that feels,” he said. “You know, some nights I lie there awake and I just can’t believe I’m an adult? I’m almost thirty.”
 

Oh. Wow. I couldn’t even imagine the concept of Lilly passing the big Three-Oh. I’d just turned nineteen myself, which put her at a little past twenty-nine. Now she was going to be a mother, too. No wonder she was pissy.

“Lilly’s upset about it,” he said, not really looking at me. “She wanted a baby so bad, but now that she’s finally pregnant, she’s always moaning about her looks.”
 

“She’s as beautiful as she ever was,” I said. “She glows. She looks even better now.”
 

“That’s what I tell her, but she just yells at me and accusses me of saying that so she’ll keep having sex… nevermind.”
 

He looked away and I did the same, rubbing my arms. Conversation over.
 

So, that’s what was bothering them.

“Hey, would you hand me that tomato paste?”
 

I snapped out of it and bent to grab one of the cans.
 

“No, the one on the bottom shelf. A little to the left. Right there.”
 

I stood up, can in hand, and felt a little… odd. My butt itched and I had that weird, pinchy feeling on my shoulders I get, like someone is watching me. Todd took the can, inspected it, and dropped into the cart.
 

It didn’t hit me until later that I did a lot of reaching and bending on that shopping trip.

***

When it came time for finals, the library was too crowded and too noisy. College students can be really loud in a quiet space. There was nowhere to sit, anyway. I’d end up on one of the big long library tables, crowded in by people on either side, all of them bullshitting at each other.
 

I didn’t want to work in my bedroom, either. So I was in the kitchen. It was past midnight and I was agonizing over a statistics problem about box and whisker plots. I hate box and whisker plots. I kept ranting at myself, demanding to know why anyone in the world would ever need to know any of this useless crap.
 

Todd came down, yawning. He worked late a lot. Lilly was in bed, asleep. She was still working, but she was really showing now. She spent most of her time at home in bed, demanding that Todd wait on her and yelling at him all the time. I mostly kept out of the way.
 

I was clutching my head in my hands, staring at the paper.
 

He came over, holding a glass of milk.

“You okay? You look a little tense.”
 

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Math. Math is not my subject.”
 

“What kind of math?”
 

“Statistics. I have to make a box and whisker plot.”
 

“Let me see.”
 

He spun my paper around and looked at it.
 

“Oh, I see what you’re doing. Here, let me show you.”
 

He sat down and spent the next twenty minutes showing me how to work the problem. I leaned over and he leaned towards me, keeping his voice low as he spoke. Lilly was snoring loudly, and it struck me as a little funny.
 

When it came to draw the diagram, he took my hand in his and guided my pencil. I swung my feet under my chair, and my calf brushed his. Sitting so close to him made me feel a little fluttery, and I didn’t know why. He smiled at me when I let out an excited little squeak when my plot came out matching the one in the answer to the practice problem.
 

“Good job,” he said. As he stood up, he patted my shoulder. “Tense, huh?”
 

“Yeah,” I said, rubbing my forehead.
 

I started to gather up my stuff, ready to take it back up to my room and get some sleep. He put both hands on my shoulders and started working the tension out of my neck with his thumbs. He was good.
 

I let out a soft, mmm sound.
 

“You do this a lot?”
 

“Your sister gives me a lot of practice. She works up a lot of tension at her job.”
 

I leaned back and let him work my neck. My head dipped forward. His touch grew softer as the tightness eased out of my shoulders. His fingers moved lightly under the collar of my shirt, tracing over my skin, leaving little hot trails of sensation. My eyes fluttered open a little as his movements grew wider, over the outside of my shoulders, down my back, and one time down my chest, almost to my collarbone. I gasped a little and he moved his hands up, tracing his fingers up the side of my neck.
 

He worked his hands into my hair and his fingertips over my scalp. It felt really weird, and I liked it. It made my chest go tight as this chilly, shivery pleasure moved through my body, chased by his fingertips. I made a sound almost like a purr and closed my eyes.
 

Suddenly, he drew back.
 

I looked over my shoulder at him. He downed his glass of now lukewarm milk and headed upstairs.

Back in my room, I spread out on my borrowed bed and stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

***

All during Finals, I was a mess. I guess every college freshman is like that. When it was over I was left in a daze. I knew, on a very deep level, that I was okay, that I passed everything, that it was all good. I was still a wreck.

Thankfully, it’s all electronic. I watched my grades flow in the following week. I didn’t just qualify to keep my scholarship, I made the Dean’s List. I got a B- on my math final, and it was all thanks to Todd. Everything else, A+. I was so happy I could barely stand it. You’d have thought I was the one having the baby from the way I floated around the house.
 

Lilly was still working. Todd worked at home.
 

We were around each other a lot.
 

I don’t know when I first noticed that he would be in the kitchen whenever I was, or that he bumped into me in the hallway a lot. I didn’t get out much during the first week of the break, or the one after. He noticed, because on the Monday of the third week, he came knocking at my door.

When I opened it I wasn’t expecting him to be twirling his car keys.
 

“Hey,” he said.
 

“Hey?”
 

“Why don’t we get out of here for a while. I need to clear my head.”
 

I shifted back and forth on my feet and bit my lip. His eyes locked on my lips for a second, then snapped back up to meet my gaze in a heavy, purposeful way, like he wasn’t looking and wanted to make it clear I wasn’t looking.
 

“What?” I ventured. “Like a date?”
 

He shuddered a little. “I don’t think my wife would like that,” he said it with a smirk, “but I need some air and you seem awfully cooped up in here.”
 

“Sure,” I shrugged. “Give me a minute to get ready.”
 

I met him in the kitchen. It was chilly but not really cold and I dressed for the weather. Her flicked the ball hanging from my hat.
 

“This is my cunning hat,” I said.
 

He snorted. “Kids these days. Come on.”
 

I got in the car. He didn’t look at me as he pulled out of the driveway. Only when we were away from the house did he start sneaking glances. The heater was running and it was curl-your-nose-hairs hot, so I unzipped my poofy coat. I only had a t-shirt on underneath.
 

“I owe you one,” I said.
 

“How’s that?”
 

“I passed that exam because of you.”
 

He shrugged. “I don’t know about that.”
 

“The statistics section was a quarter of the test. I’d have flunked without your help.”
 

I twisted in the seat. I made sure I was wearing a pair of tights. I’d seen him looking at my legs. I folded one over the other and cocked my hips to the side.
 

“I was wondering if I should repay you.”
 

“Repay me how?” he swallowed.
 

“I don’t know,” I said. “There must be something I can do.”
 

He laughed. “I just need some companionship. I’ve been on my own a lot lately. Lilly doesn’t have much to say to me these days.”
 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.
 

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll get it together. She has a lot of stress at work and she’s just…” He sighed.
 

“What?”
 

He teared up a little. He pulled off the road and just sat there.
 

“She won’t let me touch her. I don’t even try for sex anymore, I just want to hold her and she just pushes me away. She won’t even let me touch her shoulder. It’s like my wife has left me. I don’t know what to do.”
 

I put my hand on his leg. I meant it as a comforting gesture, but I felt a shiver pass through him. My fingers brushed a bulge under the denim, and I drew back and covered my hand with my mouth to quiet my gasp. He was looking at me, hard.
 

“I’ll take you home. This was stupid.”
 

He reached to put the car in drive. I put my hand back and slit it towards his groin. I could feel the outline of his erection tucked down his pant leg.
 

What are you doing?

Lilly’s husband. My sister’s husband. The way he looked at me, touched me. The way he looked at me now. My nipples were tight hard points straining against the fabric of my shirt and he was looking right at my chest. He licked his lips again.
 

Then he took my arm and pulled me close. His scent overwhelmed me as his hand slid under my jacket, pressing against me, separated from my skin only by the thin fabric of my shirt.
 

“Why?” I whispered.
 

“I don’t know.”
 

“Is it because I look like Lilly?”
 

Part of me wanted him to say yes. Yes, you’re as beautiful as her, as smart, as.

“No, it’s because you’re you. God, I’m awful. I couldn’t stop looking at you from the day you moved in. Your legs just go on and on.”
 

He was caressing my side, working his fingers up under my shirt.
 

Impulse took me.
 

I’d never been with a guy before. I never had the time and a fling wasn’t my thing. I just sort of collapsed into his lap as he bucked forward in the seat. I tugged his zipper down and undid his belt and spread open his jeans, and drew him out.
 

Touching his cock sent a flutter roll through me. I’d seen one, sure, but never touched one. It was hard like I thought it would be, but soft. I stroked it, letting the velvety skin slide through my fingers I felt a weird twisting mixture of excitement and fear as his hand slid up my back and his other hand worked into my hair. He shifted in the seat, thrusting his cock through my grip.
 

I gave it a little kiss, that’s all. I touched the warm tip to my lips. I was amazed how good it felt. I always though the idea of sucking a guy off was kind of sick, but it felt so natural just to press the tip to my lips and spread them open around it. I slid his shaft into my mouth slowly, and he let out a breath moan. His grip tightened on my head but he didn’t push.
 

A little suck, and he groaned, loud. He slid his hand into my tights, inside my underwear, and squeezed my ass. For a guy who worked computers all day, he had strong hands. I started to move my head, swirling my tongue around his shaft and sucking while I bobbed up and down.

“Yeah, shit, Jessica, that’s incredible.”
 

I lifted up. “Does Lilly do this?”
 

“No,” he groaned, “No, don’t stop.”
 

I took him in my mouth again. He grew more and more excited. His balls were big and heavy in my hand. Before I knew what was happening he groaned and thrust up, pushing deeper into my mouth. I coughed and sputtered, and it was only then that I felt his finger work into my ass, his hand wriggling to get it up into my tight asshole.

I squeaked, and he pushed down on my head finally, pushing into my mouth as he exploded. My eyes shot open as my mouth filled with his bitter, musky cum. I had to gulp it down and it slid down my chin anyway. There was more coming out, like crazy.
 

My ass. He had his middle finger up my ass, wriggling. It felt so weird and squirmy, that as I gulped down the last of his cum and pulled back, I let out a weird little noise. He pulled me against him and pushed his finger deeper into my asshole.
 

“I wanna make you feel good, baby.”
 

He grabbed a wet nap from the can on the door and wiped off my chin. He pulled me against him and put my chin on his shoulder and slid his other hand down the front of my pants, into my underwear.
 

“You’re really wet.”
 

I could feel it as he slicked up his finger by sliding it through my folds. He ran his finger over the hood of my clit and I gasped and moaned in his ear. He worked a second finger up my ass.
 

“What are you doing to my butt?” I squeaked.
 

“Does it hurt?”
 

“No,” I said. “Does Lilly like that?”

“No,” he said. “Some girls like it in their butt. Do you like it?”

It felt strange, squirmy. It made me grind my legs together and trap his hand between them. He played with my clit as he pumped his fingers in my asshole. He pulled me closer and started playing with me.