For the Love of Dixie (10 page)

“That’s like saying life’s not fair. We know that. No use stating the obvious.”

Her droll tone makes me laugh. The release cracks the shell of anger engulfing me. “You got a point.”

“I usually do. Now calm your ass down, go in there, make nice, and come home to me in one piece. Don’t let them fuck up what you worked so hard to build. Keep your standing with Stone good, and it’ll sway him toward you. The only way to be victorious over Mouth, is to beat him at his own game.”

“And how do we do that?”

“We make him show his ass. The minute he lets Stone see his hate is more important than the Kings, he’s out of there.”

“And you think he’ll take it that far?” I ask, trying not to reveal how skeptical I am.

“What he feels isn’t rational. He’ll put everything on the line eventually, to try to end us. Trust me, I’m a doctor…well okay, not a doctor, but a licensed psychologist.”

“Good enough for me, babe,” I say, feeling a million times lighter. “I think I’m ready to go in and do what I need to do now.”

“Call me if you need me.”

The words are everything I never thought I’d hear again. “I will. Love you, girl.”

“Love you, too, Echo.”

Dixie Rose

Past

I push the heavy door to the clubhouse open and run down the hall to the bathroom. My bladder is fit to bursting. My shoes pound over the floor as I skid to a halt in front of the door, push it open, shut it, turn the lock, and rush over to the toilet. I use the one in Stone’s office, like my dad told me to. It’s the one that’s always clean. Shoving down my underwear and shorts, I plop down and sigh. I lost track of time playing with the other kids. I love get-togethers. There’s always plenty of food, and I get to see everyone. Usually, it’s just me, Blue, Joel, Calla, and baby Shayne. Finishing up, I wash my hands and leave the office. I enter the hallway and freeze.

He’s there waiting for me at the end of the hallway.

My heart speeds, my palms sweat, and my tummy aches. Daddy says I can trust all the Kings of Chaos brothers, but I don’t like him. He looks at me funny and says mean things when no one else is around. I told my daddy once, and they got into a fight. Stone didn’t like that. He’s the boss, and what he says goes. I don’t want to get Daddy in trouble, so I stopped tattling. “No one likes a snitch, Dixie Rose, remember that.” My father’s words stand out in my mind clearly.

My lower lip trembles.

His lips stretch into a smile.

It should make me feel nice, but it doesn’t. I shove my hands in my pockets and begin the trek down the hallway that I swear has gotten longer.

“Well, if it isn’t the darkie, who likes to pretend she belongs here.”

I dig my fingernails into my palms.
Be brave
. I don’t know what to say, so I look at the ground and walk faster.

“One day, they’re going to wake up and realize what I already know. You don’t belong here, little girl.”

I shove the door open and run out into the sunshine. Is he right? Will they all start to hate me like he does? I wrap my arms around my waist. If it wasn’t true, why would Mouth say it? Confused, and sad, I wander through the club looking for my dad. On the way, I realize no one else in my family looks like me. How can I belong when I so clearly stand out like a sore thumb? I look at my skin, and wish I could change my color to fit in.

Present

I wake up and shudder as I scramble to take myself away from the first moment I betrayed myself and fed into Mouth’s lies. My skin is dappled in sweat. I push the sticky sheets away from my body and slowly ease into a sitting position.
They’re back.
The dreams once stole away the majority of my sleep. I should’ve known they would return. Running my hand through my hair I take a deep breath.

He can’t hurt me anymore. I’m an adult.

If only that were true. The scars I wear thanks to him have never gone away. When I’m gone I can ignore them, distance myself, and mostly forget. But here, the depths of the muddied waters have been stirred, and all kinds of shit is floating to the surface.
God, I hadn’t thought about that day in years. I barley remembered the faded memory until now.
I know some people thought leaving and staying gone was a bitch act—I can all but hear their thoughts when they look at me—yet that change of scenery saved my life. There were more reasons for my departure than being butt hurt.

I push the thoughts of my teenage years away and slip from bed. The sun hasn’t risen yet, but I know sleep will elude me. It always does after the nightmares. I walk to the shower thinking about a different time and place. As a teenager, I’d pretend like I was someone else with a different life. I used to find things easier to swallow when the events playing in Technicolor behind my eyelids were a movie instead of my past. Avoidance was one of my favorite coping mechanisms. I’d let myself go numb and cease to exist. When I was locked inside myself, no one could hurt me
.

You’re not that girl anymore. You’re a grown woman with the proper tools and attitude to deal with this small minded prick. Don’t forget that.

The stinging water pounds down on my skin and I imagine the heat cleansing me as I remember the evil I swore seeped into my veins. Once up on a time, I constantly felt loathing, self-doubt, and anger hovering just out of reach, waiting to sneak in and consume me. The pressure would build inside me until I was desperate for release. I likened it to my head being in a vice as I tried not to jump out of my skin.

I left this place a shattered, broken, mess of a girl. Little by little, I fixed myself and found a new identity. I won’t lose that now. I can’t. I slow my breathing down and rest my head against the cool tile.
In and out.
I narrow my focus to the simple act of inhaling and exhaling, imagining my breath is traveling to different parts of my body. I start with the top of my head and work my way down to my feet. When I finish, I repeat, until I’ve hit ten cycles and my emotions are manageable.

I ought to tell Echo about the demons of my past and just how fucked up his father made me, but I don’t want his pity, or disappointment. I can’t stand to change the way he sees me. Weakness around here is a point of embarrassment and shame. That’s one of the things I hate about this world. You’re never allowed to not be okay. You’re expected to compartmentalize, stuff, hold back emotions, and continue to function. People aren’t machines. We don’t work that way, and if you push us too hard, we will break. Especially women. Not that we’re the fairer sex. We’re just treated with far less consideration and kid gloves as we should be. Someone should’ve stepped in with Mouth.

I knew I should’ve felt safe enough to tell my father without being suffocated by the guilt that told me club came first always. I knew this might happen when I agreed to come here, having to reconcile my past with the present, and confront my abuser. All that training, then I’m reminded that I’m just as human as anyone else. I snicker and laughter pours forth. It was laugh, or cry. Today, I choose the first. Secrets have been kept for far too long. I’m going to have to come clean about my past eventually.

~~

I walk into the kitchen and sit down beside my father, who’s eating oatmeal with freshly sliced bananas. I hide my smile behind the rim of my coffee mug. He’s taken his new lifestyle to heart. I’ve been in my room for the past couple of hours feigning sleep to avoid the questions that will come with my inability to sleep.

“Morning,” he says around a spoonful of food.

“Morning, Pops. I got something I want to talk to you about.”

“All right?” he says cautiously. “You tell me you’re pregnant and I swear to God, I’m putting my foot up Echo’s ass. I know you’re in love and all that, but I still ain’t had my trust earned yet. I know Mouth. The man can be damned persuasive when he wants to be, and whatever he held over him to get him to back down the first time might resurface.” 

“It’s not a card he can pull again. But I have no doubt he has more up his sleeve,” I say.

“And you think this boy is worth dealing with all that?” Pops asks.

“I guess so,” I reply, sipping on my coffee.

He grunts. “Now that we’ve established you’re not pregnant…you aren’t, right?”

“Hell no, Pops. I’m not even sure I’m ready to move in with him yet. Last thing I’ll be doing anytime soon is bringing a baby into this world.”

“Good. Now what was it you wanted?”

“A job. I’m going crazy pattering around the house. You don’t need me anymore.”

“Always gonna need you, Rosie girl.”

I smile. “I love you, too, Pops. But seriously, something during the day would go a long way.”

“I’ll call up Stone, and see what he’s got. We have a lot of new businesses opening.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, legit ones, Ms. Skeptic. I swear, you should’ve been a lawyer.”

“No, I wanted to finish school before I was old and grey, thanks,” I remark.

He laughs. “I can think of one he needs someone he can trust with, but I don’t know that you’ll like it.”

“Okay, now I’m intrigued. Lay it on me, Pops.”

He laughs. “It’s a Medical Marijuana Dispensary,” he says.

My jaw drops. I’ve seen and heard some things in my day, but this might take the cake. “Are you shitting me?”

“No
p
e.” He pops his P, and shoves another spoonful into his mouth. His eyes dance with merriment.

I shake my head. “Only Stone would go legal with weed.”

“It brings in big bucks.”

“Oh, I just bet they do,” I say.

“So, you aren’t game?”

“No, I am. Make sure you doctor my name. I don’t want this being traced back to me when I work at a school with impressionable teens,” I say.

Pop laughs. “Yeah, might be a conflict of interest. It’s done. I have to clear it through him, but I know he wants someone he can trust without tying up the boys.”

“Makes sense. Who’s the muscle?”

“Prospects closest to getting patched and a few newer members. If you come into our shop looking for trouble, you have to be new to town or have a death wish.”

I can see the pride in his club shining in his eyes. “What’s the name of the place?”

“King Green,” Pop answers.

I throw my head back and laugh.
Of course it is.

“First time I heard you laugh like that in a while,” Pop says.

“You never tried to be delicate before, Pop, just ask.”

“All right, what’s going on with you?”

“Just trying to acclimate. It’s a lot to take in. I left for a reason, and while I dealt with my own issues I never wrapped my head around the thought of being back here full time, and seeing Mouth on a nearly daily basis. It brings back bad memories.”

“And you’re okay with that?” he questions.

I can see the worry in his eyes, and a pang of guilt strikes me. I put him through hell in a lot of different ways. Still, I can admit he failed me as a father. It pains me, but ignorance and denial never helped anyone. I had to face many ugly truths during my journey to be a counselor. You can’t help others if you’re not whole. “Dad, I’m not that lost little girl anymore. I’m not going to hurt myself, you don’t have worry about that. It’s hard, but not impossible.”

“You being straight with me, Rosie? Seems like we spent a lot of our time before lying and denying ourselves and each other.”

“I understand, it was how we were taught to be. Now, it’s different. ’Cause I know better, and I think you’ve opened your eyes.”

“I know I was wrong, Rosie. I can acknowledge it now. Whether I knew the extent of what was going on or not, I should’ve done something long before things became so dire.”

I study the light brown liquid in my cup. It feels good to hear. Nevertheless, it’s awkward to see the regret in his eyes. “Things happened true enough, but I survived.”

“If this continues, I’m going to take Mouth to vote. You don’t treat family like this.”

“I love you, Dad, but it’s not your place anymore. The battle is between Echo and his father,” I say.
Your time to fight this battle is long gone and we both know it.

“Humph. You’re always going to be
my
child.”

“And I’m
his
old lady. You know how this goes better than I do,” I say calmly.

“You really want me to think you’re okay with that? That you don’t resent me for not being a better father? I know I did wrong by you.”

I sigh. “Dad,” I shake my head, “I won’t sit here and lie. Yes, part of me wishes you’d done something more…that I’d never had to go through the whole ordeal. But the anger, bitterness, and sadness had to be let go for me to find happiness and be balanced. Now, it’s just an unpleasant memory. It didn’t change my entire experience with you as my parent. You sacrificed a lot, and I’ve seen many kids way worse off. I’m not complaining.”

He bows his head.

There’s an awkward moment of silence.

“You need me now, I’m here, Rosie. I won’t make the same mistake again. I’m not the smartest man, but I’m no fool either.”

“I know you aren’t, Pop. I never thought that.”

“No, you were too busy worrying you’d get me in trouble. I love this club. They don’t come first, they come with you. You understand? You need something or someone taken care of, it’s going to happen. I know you left and we let things lie. Maybe it was for the best. I need you to know, Stone would’ve stepped up if he knew that dick was cornering you and taking pot shots at a fucking child. He would’ve kicked his ass from here to kingdom come. I want you to believe that. I never felt you did.”

The breath leaves my lungs in a rush. My head spins. “You sure about that?” I feel compelled to ask the question, though I’m not sure I want the answer.

“Positive. You’re Kings of Chaos, too. I’m sorry I allowed you to ever feel any less than that. You are my legacy, one I’m proud of. Hell, you’re the best part of me. I love my club. I proudly wear their colors. Doesn’t change the fact, when they lay me down, you’re the one good thing I’ll be remembered for. You got heart, grit, and smarts. You didn’t let the fuckers grind you down. You gave them the finger and forged your own path, it takes real moxie to do that. You may be a female, but you got a set of balls on you bigger than a lot of men.”

I laugh. “You always had a way with words, Pop.”

“I mean it.”

I nod. “I know you do.” It feels good to hear the words even after all this time. I finish my coffee and he finishes his food in silence. Pushing away from the table I move to make toast, grabbing his empty bowl on the way.

“I’m calling Stone now. We’re going to call you Rosie La Fleur.”

“I didn’t know you were such a romantic, Pop.”

“It’s a good name. It’ll go over well with this crowd,” Pop says.

“Stoners are supposed to be chill. They don’t care what I’m called as long as I sell them good product.”

“Already talking like a business woman,” Pop says.

“I understand the way people’s minds work, Pop. It’s not rocket science.”

“Yeah, you’d be surprised. Hey, Stone, how’s it going brother. … Yeah? Look, Dixie Rose is climbing the walls, and she’s looking for a gig. I told her about King Green. Do you think you could put her on behind the counter? … Yeah, I think she’d be a good fit, too. Solves the issue of who we put in charge. … Ha, yeah she can whip them into shape.”

I shake my head, blocking them out at they shoot the shit. From school counselor, to marijuana dispensary worker. There’s never a dull moment here with the King of Chaos.