“None of that matters anymore.”
“You telling me you made your peace?” he asks.
His voice is stronger now, and I can see the thoughtfulness in his coffee-colored eyes. I never could lie to him. I glance at the doorway. “I’m saying… I’m trying.”
“That’s something at least.” He breathes heavily.
I tense, ready to press the call button if necessary.
“Go get Stone. I want to talk to him before the meds take me under again.”
“Okay, Pops. I’m going to be here till they kick me out.”
He grunts. “Go home, get settled in. I don’t need you watching me sleep, shit’s creepy.”
I laugh. He must be feeling better. He’s already grumpy and bossing me around. “Yeah, I hear you, Pops. I’ll be back in the morning then.”
He squeezes my hand. “Good to have you here. Just wish it was under better circumstances.”
“Me too.”
He releases my hand, and I walk back to the group warming the waiting room. I spot my Grans and make a beeline for them.
Stone follows me.
“How is he?” my grandfather asks.
“Good, grumpy. You know, usual Pops.”
The tension lines around his eyes ease.
“Oh, thank God,” my grandmother says, holding her hand over her heart.
“They used a medicine to try to clear the clots. They’ll be monitoring him tomorrow and checking on his progress. The doc thinks with a change of lifestyle, he could forgo a pacemaker.”
“Change of lifestyle?” Stone asks. His nostrils flare.
“Better food, less booze, and stress.” I shrug.
“Can I see him?”
“Doc says one visitor at a time for a few minutes apiece. Pops wants to see you before the meds make him loopy again.”
“All right. Good job here, baby girl.” Stone pats my back.
I give him a nod. He’s not a bad sort. He’s always treated me like the other kids. I respect him for that, but a part of me resents him for not changing the bylaws. I mean, he would have to take it to the table, but I know it’s doable. I give myself a mental shake. I need to stay in my lane. This is not a democracy. Old ladies don’t have sway in club business, I know that, yet I can’t help but wish things were different. “He wants me to go home and settle in. I’m going to do what he asks because I’ll have my hands full tomorrow, once the doc talks to him.” I’m already dreading the standoff.
“Hah, that’s an understatement,” my grandfather says.
“Talk some sense into him, will you, Pa?” I ask.
“Boy has always been bullheaded,” he replies.
“Wonder where he got it from?” Ma mutters.
I cough to hide my giggle and give them hugs as Stone heads toward Pop’s room. I keep my gaze trained on the floor as I approach the others. It’s a matter of respect. Leaving without speaking would be a snub. I have enough chips stacked against me without adding bad manners. I was bred better than that. I look up. “I’m sure P will fill you all in with the details. Pops had a heart attack. They got him stabilized and tried to clear the blocks to his arteries. We’re playing the waiting game to see how well the procedure took. Worst case, he’ll get a pacemaker. But they seem hopeful either way.”
“How are you doing?” a quiet voice asks.
I peer up and spot Wizard. I smile. The silent man always had a streak of kindness for the women of the club. “I’m here. Still a bit in shock. Pops has a larger than life vibe, you know?”
Wizard nods.
“You sticking around to see him back to health?”
I know the vindictive owner of this question. I meet his gaze head on. “Yeah, Mouth, I’ll be here as long as he needs me.”
“What about your fancy job at that high school? You think they’re going to twiddle their thumbs while you play in the mud with us?” Mouth asks. A sneer lines his thin lips. His cheeks are ruddy, and his pale green orbs are filled with hate. He was the biggest, or at least the most vocal racist among the Kings.
He’d made my life a living hell with his comments. I want to spit in his face, but he’s an elder, and a legacy, so he’s got me over a barrel. “They’ll deal with it,” I say, careful to keep the emotion out of every word.
“Right? ’Cause you’re so reliable. All you ever do is leave,” he spits.
“I’m here when I’m needed or asked to be,” I reply, not about to lie down and take it the way I once did.
I can see a glint of surprise in his spooky eyes.
That’s right, motherfucker; I’m not a little girl anymore.
“We’re all on the edge. How about we let her go home, settle in, and catch her breath. Hoss is going to need her to get him out of here as quickly as possible,” Wizard says, working his magic yet again. He makes peace as easily as he ends lives.
“You were gone a long time, bitch. Best remember your place and the way things work around here,” Mouth says.
“I remember just fine,” I reply.
“Come on, kid, I’ll walk you to your car.” Shadow slips into view with Skull beside him. The two always had one another’s back, so I’m not surprised he’s shadowing him.
Had he been there the entire time?
He slings an arm around my shoulder and guides me away.
“Where’s Blue?” I ask, suddenly longing for my best friend.
“Out of town with Bolton, only reason she’s not here right now. They wanted to do some mother son bonding shit.” He shrugs.
I snicker. “They’re taking to the new roles, huh?” I ask, happy for my friend and the family she’d discovered.
“Been playing them his whole life. I think this was just a wake-up call. You okay? Shit looked like it was about to hit the wall in there,” Shadow asks.
“I couldn’t deal with his racist posturing on top of dealing with Pop’s brush with death. He wants to assert dominance, but I’m not his old lady or some King chaser. The only thing I owe him is respect. He’ll have to find another dark-skinned woman to break down and humiliate.”
Shadow whistles. “Shit, Dixie Rose.”
“I’m not a little kid he can make cry.”
“No one said you were,” Skull says. The mohawked brother has an intensity in his words that rings sincere.
I appreciate him throwing his support into my ring. “No one told him to shut the fuck up either,” I say.
“It’s a touchy subject,” Shadow defends.
“Not that we’re condoning it. You know we work in shades of grey,” Skull says.
“That’s a copout and you know it. It’s easy to ignore the elephant in the room when it doesn’t affect you directly. See, this bullshit is why I left. We’re supposed to be a family, right? Everything for the club. Protect it and the families at any cost. How the hell did I slip through the cracks if that was our motto?” I shrug off Shadow’s arm as we reach the car. “I know this isn’t on you, but it sucks, and I need to go before I say shit I don’t need to.” I hit the unlock button on my key fob.
“I get it. But you better get a hold of this shit. You can’t go mouthing off to the men in this club. You going to bring your old man and you trouble. Mouth is old school and we know he has no problem using his fists. He’ll draw your blood and call it justified,” Shadow says, opening the door.
“I wish he’d put his fucking hands on me,” I hiss.
Shadow arches a red brow.
I clench my fists. He hums, and I want to kick him in the shin.
He has a point. A valid one.
“I’m going to go home and get some sleep.” I climb into the car, gratefully sinking into the comfortable seat.
“You do that. Try not to let him get to you. His time is coming. The old is phasing out and it’s killing him.”
“Forgive me if I don’t feel any sympathy,” I say.
“Didn’t ask you to,” Shadow replies. He closes the door and taps on the hood.
I pull away and roll down the window, letting the night air clear my head. Pissing Mouth off and baiting him won’t get me anywhere. No one can undo the years of my childhood, and being home isn’t about him. It’s all about Pop. I round the corner and pull up into the driveway of the ranch house I grew up in. The floodgates open and I’m floored with memories.
San Mateo, 2000
The ping of rocks against my window pulls me from a light sleep. Warmth infuses my body.
He’s here.
I throw the covers off and climb onto my knees. My dad was pulled away on a run last minute, and I’m solo until the Grans come over tomorrow. I peer out the window and see him in the moonlight.
His blond hair is a halo around his angular face. He’s all high cheekbones and icy blue eyes, like most of his Nordic ancestors. His lips are pink and the perfect size for kissing, nibbling, and biting.
My stomach flip flops, and the familiar ache in my center begins to pulse. No boy has ever made me feel the way Joel does. I never thought I’d find someone so special. Civilians can’t see past the club and my pops. Club boys don’t want to risk getting their asses kicked if they break some patched member’s daughter’s heart. Also, when it came to me, they couldn’t see past color. Ridiculous, that in this day and age it mattered, but it does for me. When my club doesn’t patch in Black members, and my skin is a cocoa brown, it’s impossible not to stand out. Most members could give a shit, but there are those who think separation should still be a real and practiced thing.
Joel’s father is the ringleader of hate. What am I doing?
Joel flashes me an almost shy grin.
Yeah, I’m melting.
I’m choosing to be happy for once in my life and forgetting about everything else.
He makes me feel brave and carefree. When I’m with him…nothing else exists. I open the window, and he jogs over, climbing inside. It’s not the first time he’s snuck in, and I know against my better judgment, it won’t be the last.
“Hey, I didn’t think you were coming,” I say. With no one else in the house, there’s no need to whisper.
“I had to wait until my brother crashed. You know how nosey he is.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I do.”
“But I’m here now.” His gaze rakes over me.
I resist the urge to cover my chest. I’m wearing a small pair of boxers, and a black tank top, which suddenly feels downright indecent.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, leaning in to wrap my hair around one of his fingers.
“Nothing. I…just. We’ve never been entirely alone before,” I say.
“Hey, you know I’d never hurt you or force you to do anything you don’t want, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” I whisper, glancing down to my lap.
“Look at me, Dixie Rose. If all I wanted was a piece of ass, I could get it. We both know that. This is about me and you.”
I take a deep breath and nod. It’s hard to believe he’s interested.
He’s a year older, sexy, smart, and a shoe-in to prospect for Kings of Chaos. He has his pick of the ladies.
“What are you doing here with me?” I ask.
“Are you kidding me?” he counters. His eyes go wide, and he closes the distance between him and the bed. “You’re gorgeous for one. That’s not all, but I don’t think people tell you enough. So I will. Hell, I better be the only one telling you.” A fire rises in his blue-green eyes.
My stomach flutters.
He runs his thumb over my lips. “You have those full lips.” He tugs my hair gently. “And this soft, curly hair. Shit, I can’t tell you how long I dreamt about discovering if it was as soft as it looks. You’re sexy as hell without trying, and you’re a good girl. All these sluts are used up and old before their time.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want that.”
“So you want…what? A kid?”
“No, I want a good girl.” He caresses the shell of my ear. “My good girl, tailor made for me. I don’t want you to know anything because I want to show you. I want to be your teacher, the person you trust most.”
“I-I’m not eighteen.”
“Yet. I’m not in a rush. I’m a man patient enough to wait.” He pulls back.
In that moment, I understand he’s no boy, despite his age. The club grows you up fast, and his father was one of the most hardcore motherfuckers out there. I’m sure it rubbed off on him.
“What I need to know is if you’re all in with me, or not. You all in, Dixie Rose?”
I hesitate knowing somehow, this will change everything.
He waits for my response, watching me with those electric blue eyes.
I swear they can peer right into my soul.
“Give me a chance, girl.”
“Okay.”
He grins. “I promise, I’ll make it worth your while.” He winds his fingers in my hair, pulls me to him, and presses a kiss to my lips that makes me forget every reason I had for saying no. It’s the first move he’s made toward me. This is officially happening.
Present.
The lying bastard hadn’t made it all worth it though. He’d possessed me body and soul. Made me burn for him and live to serve him. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. For my trouble, he bailed on me when I needed him most. My vision wavers. Pissed, I dash the droplets away. After all this time, I continue to allow him to hurt me.
It was two years out of my life. I wasn’t even a woman yet. Why can’t I just let it go? Because it was everything, and you know it,
an honest voice whispers inside my mind. I cut the engine, climb from the car, and slowly make my way up the walk, seeing the ghosts of my past at every step.