Fully Automatic (Bullet) (21 page)

“Are there places to change before the show at the venue?”

“Sometimes there are and other times there aren’t.  I haven’t been to this place before, so I’m not sure.  You might want to change now, just to be sure.”

When she stepped out of the bathroom wearing her outfit, he thought he was going to have a heart attack.  She was wearing skin-tight black leather pants with black leather boots that went up to her knees.  The t-shirt, though…that’s what made the outfit.  It was red and snug and there were holes ripped in it, showing off little glimpses of skin here and there, and on sweet little Valerie, it looked super hot.  It was difficult keeping himself focused and his jaw closed.

Maybe they could spend some time together after the show tonight.  The other guys, as usual, would be looking to score, and maybe he and Val could find an out-of-the-way place to hang out for a while.  With her being a virgin, he didn’t intend to put on any pressure, but he’d sure love to kiss her more and hold her close.

Nick’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts.  “Val, you look great.”

Zane’s comment made Brad feel a little monster well up inside his chest.  “God, you look hot.”  But the guy was right.

And he had a little something to say about it too.  He couldn’t help the sly smirk that crossed his face when he said, “Nice…I like the skin.”

And then Ethan.  Goddamn Ethan.  Why couldn’t the guy stop toying with Val’s heart? 
“We gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick?”

Val, however, didn’t seem impressed. 
They made their way to the van, placing their personal items inside as well, and Ethan started to get in the passenger seat.  Apparently, his friend hadn’t learned from last weekend that shotgun was now Val’s seat…and he’d just have to get used to it.  “No way, man.  Val’s sitting there.  From now on, that seat belongs to our muse.”  Yeah, so he was pissed, but he’d get over it.

The trip was long, and once they made it to the eastern slope of Colorado, the weather was warmer, so they opened all the windows and felt like they were getting a beating.  They joked and laughed some, because Brad was trying to make Val relax, and he thought putting a smile on her face might work.  When that didn’t seem to help, he turned up the music, and they’d all sing for a while.  Then he realized that was a stupid idea, because he wanted her to rest her voice.

He turned the music down again and heard Nick talking to Zane.  Ethan was sleeping, his head resting on the back of the seat.  Nick was a funny guy, so he hoped maybe he could make Val laugh.  And he was obviously telling one of his stories.  When he looked in the rearview mirror, he saw Zane’s eyebrows raised, and he had a huge grin on his face.

“Seriously, dude, I don’t know why she wanted
me
.  She was all like
Teach me, teacher
.  Well, shit.  She’s goin’ down on me, what the fuck else am I gonna say?  ‘Oh, no, really, sweetheart.  I think you should try a banana instead’.”  At that point, Zane started laughing.  Brad looked in the rearview mirror again, and Nick was selling it.  He was mimicking grave sincerity in his eyes first, and then he was pretending to be a girl peeling a banana and giving said banana a blowjob.  He smiled too but then decided he’d better gauge Valerie’s sense of humor.

She looked distracted.  She wasn’t offended, but he started to think she wasn’t even listening.

Nick continued.  “And fuck me.  I thought she was gonna eat me like a big turkey leg.  She looked like she was gonna fuckin’ tear into my meat like I was her last meal.  So I screamed like a seven-year-old girl.”

Zane busted a gut at that point.  He wasn’t able to catch his breath.  When he stopped laughing, he said, “I would have paid to see that shit.”

“Anyway, man, she made short work of me.”

“I’ll bet she did.”

“That’s not what I meant, cocksucker.”  Zane broke out into peals of laughter again.  “I jizzed harder than I ever have.  Seriously—I think it was the initial fear that made it so fucking intense.”  Zane was still chuckling when Nick said, “I was looking down on her.  She’d been chewing this big wad of gum, and I guess she forgot about it.  I was looking down and saw that this big fucking hunk of pink gum was stuck in her hair.  I guess she didn’t feel it, but I knew she was gonna freak if she couldn’t get it out.  And I was spent, man, but I had to tell her.  So I said, ‘Hey…there’s some gum in your hair.’  And she looked up at me, all smiling and shit.  I think she must have watched a porn movie or two, you know, ‘cause she looked like she wanted to slap her face with my dick and squirt my jizz all over it.  And she goes, ‘Oh, honey, haven’t you seen
There’s Something about Mary
?  Cum is good for your hair’.”  Zane started laughing again.  “What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?  So I just smiled.”

“Goddamn, why can’t I find chicks like that?”

Valerie turned her head at Zane’s statement.  Brad was pretty sure it was because Zane had been dating her roommate for a while, and Val didn’t like that he was asking for a stupid slutty girl when he had had the opportunity to date a girl who was sweet and innocent like Val.  So…as entertaining as he was finding the conversation, he figured he’d better turn the music on for Val’s peace of mind and hope she wouldn’t sing.  If he had to, he’d pop in an As I Lay Dying CD or Suicide Silence or something like that that Val would find it hard to sing to.  That would be the ace up his sleeve if he needed to play it.

When they got to Colorado Springs, Brad stopped at Burger King.
  “Let’s grab a bite to eat.”

As they piled out of the van, Val said, “I’m too nervous.  I can’t.”

Brad lowered his head at her.  “You sure that’s it?  I can buy.”

“Yeah.  I have plenty of money.  I just…can’t do it.  I’m way too nervous and my stomach’s upset.”

“I know, Val, but you gotta eat.”  She shook her head.  “Val…if you don’t, you’re not gonna have the energy you need.  Eat
something
.”

She sighed but got a chicken sandwich meal and ate half of the food before she couldn’t eat anymore.  Ethan seemed somewhat lucid and ordered a full meal.  That was a good sign.  He was messing around on his phone, and halfway through dinner said, “Bradley, did you know if you went up 285, we could have saved at least an hour of driving time?”

Brad blinked twice.  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.  I wasn’t even thinking about it, since we came this way last weekend.”

“You’ll probably save gas money that way too.”

“I’ll remember that next time.”

Over an hour later, they had reached their destination, and they were unpacking the van and trailer and setting up the stage.  Val still looked nervous, but having tasks to do seemed to help keep her calm.  If she’d been a little older, Brad might have suggested taking a small drink to calm her nerves.  When she didn’t have anything to do, she’d shake her hands as though trying to wake them up.  Once or twice, he rubbed her shoulders, trying to help her relax.

They were set up and the guys were doing sound checks and tuning guitars.  Val was offstage, and Brad figured it was because she wasn’t ready to be watched yet.  He’d glance offstage once in a while and catch her pacing or muttering to herself, and he thought she was going over the songs, reassuring herself that she knew the words.  He was certain that once she started going, she’d be fine, but until then, she was going to be anxious.  It was a fear of the unknown, of not knowing if the audience would accept her and love her.  Brad knew they would, but Valerie would take a little more convincing.

Ethan walked
offstage wearing his guitar.  He approached Val.  Brad couldn’t tell what he was saying—he was too far away—but the mood Val was in, the guy was probably going to get it with both barrels.

From where Brad stood, he could tell that whatever Ethan was saying, Val was listening.  He was glad.  Maybe she needed to hear a pep talk from Ethan.

He changed his mind when Ethan slid his guitar so it hung on his back, and he pulled Val close to kiss her hard and passionately.  Brad felt his jaw go slack, his eyelids lower…

and his heart sink.

It sunk because Val wasn’t pushing Ethan away.  She didn’t even try.  Ethan’s lips let go of hers and then she wound her fingers into his hair, pulling his mouth back to hers.

Fuck.

So much for spending time alone with her.  Now Brad felt like his nerves were in a bundle.  And there wasn’t a goddamn thing he could do about it.

They stopped kissing again and shared a few more intimate words, and then Ethan turned, pulling his guitar back around, swaggering back onstage.  Val only had eyes for Ethan then
, and they were glued to the guy…until they looked at Brad.

She looked—guilty, maybe?  Or maybe more like a frightened rabbit?  Brad took a deep breath.  He knew he didn’t look angry, but maybe he looked hurt or betrayed.  There wasn’t a damn thing he could do about that.

Val got a shocked look on her face and freaked out, bolting for the outside door.

She was losing her dinner, but Brad felt like he’d lost his heart.

Chapter Twenty-four

THE FIRST SONG
was a little shaky, mainly due to vocals.  Val’s nervousness could be heard in her voice, a little high-pitched and thin, but as she continued, she gained confidence.  By the end of the song, her voice was strong, and by the time they were on the third one, she sounded like a pro.  Midway through the set, she was moving around and stirring up the audience.  Just as Brad had always known, she was a natural.

He was so proud of her and loved watching her.  And the stage
was where he always felt like he should be, but inside…inside his heart was breaking.

Still, he was happy for Val, because that night, he watched her blossom.  She’d been a shy little bud on a
vine, and with the shower of the bright lights and adoration of the crowd, he watched her open up and grow right before his eyes.

He tried not to let it bother him.  Val was still his friend, and he knew they would always be close.  There was just something between them
, something intangible and hard to explain.  They clicked.  They appreciated and understood each other.

But, God, he was pissed at Ethan.
  What the hell was wrong with his friend?  It was almost as if the guy didn’t want Val to be happy…like he wanted her to suffer.  Or maybe he was feeling miffed because, instead of the constant adoration Val used to shower on him, now she was giving him eye daggers.

He pushed all the shit out of his head and focused on the music.  Music had never let him down.  It had always been there for him, in good times and bad, and he could always focus his emotions through it.  So he muted his brain and homed in on his guitar and the audience and let the bad stuff go.

After the show, though, there was no way to ignore those feelings.  But he knew what he had to do, and that was to figure out how to give up on the idea of Val—for now, at least.  In spite of whatever there was between him and the girl, Ethan had a greater pull on her.  It was like the guy was a black hole, and anything nearby got sucked into his pull.  Whatever Val’s feelings for Brad, they were no match for the gravitational draw of Ethan.  He didn’t stand a chance.  And he was tired of throwing his heart out there to be shredded by this girl whom he had grown to love.  He couldn’t let it happen anymore.

He considered being completely honest with her, telling her that he’d grown to care for her deeply over the past few months.  Something about writing together—whether online or in person—had
done that to him.  But no.  She’d think he was a fool because she obviously didn’t feel the same way.  And he didn’t want to appear weak in her eyes either.  The only thing he had going for himself was who he already was and what he let her see.  If she didn’t love him back, there was no way he could show her that part of him.

And maybe it was irrational and stupid.  Maybe he’d grown to care about her so much because she reminded him of Leah, his true first love.  He knew now that he was over Leah, but he wondered if it was because he’d turned those attentions onto Val.  He had no way of knowing for sure.

In the meantime, though, he had to play it cool.  So they loaded up the van and trailer and watched the other acts.  Then, at the end of the evening, they got in the van in search of a cheap motel.  Until he could sort through his emotions, he had to act like everything was normal.  So he sat in the driver’s seat and Val in the passenger seat, and he asked, “So…what did you think of your first show?”

She was quiet for a few moments as she let his words sink in.  She was still in a
bit of a trance, it appeared, and he didn’t know if that was from performing or from Ethan laying one on her.  She looked ahead at the traffic in front of them and said, “Wow.  It was amazing.”

Brad nodded.  “And what did I tell you?  You were great.”

“I can barely remember the first part of the show, though.  It’s like I was in a daze.”

He couldn’t help but smile, because he remembered what his first show had felt like.  He hadn’t been as nervous as Val (of course, he’d had a beer before going onstage), but he remembered feeling out of it, yet in awe and completely jazzed.  There really was nothing like being under the lights.

“It’s not over yet.  After I pay for the hotel and keep some for gas, I’ll divide what’s left among us.  You’ll get your first paycheck.”

“Oh, yeah.  I hadn’t thought of that.”

He grinned.  “Don’t hold your breath.  It’s really not much.”

“Doesn’t matter.  I’ll get paid for doing
that
.  That’s awesome.”

“We need to start running a merch table regularly too.  That’ll bring in money too.”

“Oh.”  He glanced over and could tell she was thinking about it.  It was all sinking in.  It was just too new.  So he simply listened to the radio and drove down the road to an area where he knew there were lots of motels, and it was just a matter of picking the one that looked least offensive while not costing too much.

When he found one that seemed to fit the bill (that also had a lit-up
old-fashioned
Vacancy
sign), he pulled in.  Val got out with him, and while he wasn’t sure why, he wasn’t going to complain.  Still…he didn’t want to spend a lot of time with her, not yet.  He needed the raw feeling to dissipate.  He wasn’t going to tell her she couldn’t come with him, though.

He approached the desk
, and the clerk looked up from the book she was reading.  The gal wasn’t much older than they were.  Brad said, “Do you have any rooms with two double beds?”

“Yeah.”

“I need one of those please.”

Val said, “I need to get my own room.”

He looked over at her.  “That’ll double the cost, Val.  We’ll make sure you have your own bed.”

The clerk looked up from the computer screen and said, “We can get you a cot.  Then you’ll have three beds.”

Brad nodded and looked over at Val. 
She
had to be comfortable with it.  Hell, he could sleep on one of the back seats in the van for all he cared, but he liked the idea of a shower.  Val took a deep breath and looked at him, her eyes pleading.  “I promised my dad, Brad. 
My dad
.”

He
sighed.  He wasn’t going to argue it.  He understood where she was coming from.  “All right.”  Maybe, too, that would keep Ethan’s hands off her.

“But I’ll pay for it.  I don’t want to cut into our earnings.”

“Fuck that.”  He glanced at the smiling clerk, realizing he’d dropped an F-bomb.  “Oh, sorry.”  He looked back to Val.  “No way.  You keep doing what you did tonight, you’ll be earning that goddamned room.”  He looked back at the clerk. “I guess two rooms.  One a double, the other a single.  Any way you can get them close to each other?”

The clerk tapped on
the old computer. “Yeah.  Next door.”

Brad pulled out his wallet and driver’s license.  The clerk did more tapping and then handed them keys.  Old-fashioned metal keys.  Val didn’t know motels did real keys anymore.  He handed her the one for the single
, and they walked back out to the van.  He had a big grin on his face.  “At least if we’re next to each other, there’s less chance of neighbors complaining about a noisy party.”

She had a deadpan look on her face
.  “That’s what
you
think.”

They got back in the van
, and Brad moved the van so he could park it closer to where their rooms were.  When they grabbed their luggage, Brad asked, “Are you gonna hang with us for a while?”

“Yeah.  Just give me a minute.”

Brad didn’t necessarily feel up to continuing to wear a happy face, but he thought it would be noticeable if he didn’t at least try.  Besides, one of the other guys would have invited her if he hadn’t.  In less than ten minutes, they were all in the guys’ room, and Zane had wasted no time setting out the three bottles he’d packed.

Zane passed the bottles around, but Val waved her hand to indicate she didn’t want any, instead drinking the bottled water she’d brought with her.

Ethan sat across from her and kept his hands to himself, but he said, “Val, Brad and I were okay on vocals, but you blow us out of the water.  You’re exactly what we needed.”  Brad hoped Ethan was sincere and meant it.  He hoped the guy wasn’t just flattering her, although Ethan had used his charm in that way on other girls in the past.  Brad knew his emotions were clouding his judgment, so he kept his mouth shut.  He hoped Ethan wasn’t working some angle.

Zane
took a swig from his vodka bottle and said, “Yeah, and you keep wearing shit like that, our fan base’ll grow a lot faster.”

Val laughed but didn’t say anything.  Brad could tell she didn’t like the thought, but she simply said, “I hope it grows because we’re a kick ass band.”

Nick said, “Of course, it will.  And we just got better tonight.”

“Seriously,” Zane said, taking another drink, “we’ll get even better as we go.  We already sounded great tonight.  Can you imagine what a month or two together will do?”

Ethan was mellowing out.  Brad could tell he’d taken something, but he hadn’t seen him do it.  He’d probably done it when he’d gone to take a piss before Val had arrived.  Or it was his earlier indulgence just lasting a long time.  But he got quiet.

Brad took a long swig.  He wanted to drown out some of the stronger emotions he was feeling, but he couldn’t drink too much, because then he might not be able to hold his tongue.  It was a fine line he had to walk.
  But he drank as much as he thought he could handle, and he wound up tuning them out part of the time.  He was doing a lot of soul searching when he should have been celebrating a huge success.  At one point, Valerie asked, “Everything okay?”

Fuck.  He forced a smile on his face.  “Yeah.  Just a little tired, I guess.”

“Yeah.  Me too.  I should probably head to bed.”

She did seem tired too and left shortly after.  Brad was surprised the guys didn’t demand they scope for girls, but they seemed to be enjoying each other’s company.  They wound up finding a movie on the television
, and Brad used it as an excuse to drift off, just lying on top of the bed in his clothes with his shoes off.

So he’d managed to avoid having to think about it, but he woke up the next morning and lay in bed for a good hour, mulling it all over.  He didn’t feel a bit better about it, and the longer he lay there, the more he thought he needed to get a few things off his chest with Val.  He needed to be honest with her and let her know where he was coming from.  He needed to try to just let her
know what she was doing to him.  He felt brave now, but facing her…would he be able to say what he needed to?

He needed coffee and breakfast.  But, first, a shower.  He took a lukewarm one, because it was already feeling overly warm
in the room.  The air conditioner in the room didn’t seem to work very well.  He supposed that was okay, because he was hoping to hit the road by noon.  He had to work the next day, and he wanted to get home with a little time to relax.

After he showered and changed into clean clothes, he wrote a note for the guys.  They wouldn’t want breakfast with the hangovers they were bound to have acquired, but if they woke up, he wanted them to know he’d be back soon.  Then he put the room key, his phone, and his wallet into his back pockets and stepped outside.  At first, he thought he’d go eat breakfast and then see if Val was up and available to talk, but then he decided to text her.  No better time than the present. 
U up?

It wasn’t a minute later that
she responded. 
Yep.

He couldn’t resist.  He knocked on her door.  Seconds later, she opened the door a crack and peeked out.  “Gimme a second.  I need to get dressed.”

He grinned.  “I could help you with that.”  Well,
that
was fuckin’ stupid. 
She
obviously
wouldn’t
like that.

But she smiled back.  “I’m sure you could.”

He leaned against the wall of the motel.  The sun was already beating down, but it felt good on his skin.  He closed his eyes and relaxed until he heard her door open again a few minutes later.  “So what’s up?”

She looked as sweet as ever
, and seeing her in simple, faded, snug blue jeans and a Black Tide t-shirt made him feel dopey.  She had no idea what she did to him.  But he needed to talk with her, and he definitely had to get his shit together when it came to the girl.  He had to stop thinking of her as anything other than a friend, and the sooner he did that, the better.  So he tried to sound casual, tried to sound like just a friend…which was what they were, and friends commiserated.  “Jesus…those guys are trashed.  They’re gonna be fun on the drive home.  I need to get some breakfast and coffee and just wanted to know if you want to come with.”

“Sure.” 
She slid some sandals on.  Then she grabbed her purse, throwing her room key and phone inside, and took a ponytail scrunchie off the dresser.  As they stepped out the door, she pulled her hair up and away from her face.

When they got in the van, he decided to cruise down one of the main drags until he saw a restaurant that looked halfway appealing.  But he couldn’t talk.  Not yet.  The time wasn’t right.  The music was blaring, and that was okay.  It would help him focus.