Get It Done When You're Depressed (18 page)

Read the following dialogue. If it sounds like you, you need to learn how to say no.

Betsy: Hi, Michael. Do you have a minute? It’s time for the holiday party. You’re so great at planning things, and I loved what you did last year! It would be great if you would take care of the food again.

Michael: Thanks, Betsy, but I really don’t think I can do that this year. I’m sure someone else would like to do it. (
He’s being his nice, normal, meek self. He doesn’t want to make waves.
)

Betsy: I’ve asked people and they keep saying they loved what you did and that you should do it again! (
Obviously the people Betsy talked to know how to say no.
)

Michael: It was a lot of work last year, and I felt a bit overwhelmed. I have a lot to do in the office this week. A client is expecting something by next Friday. (
He’s still giving her a way to convince him he can do his work and help out as well.
)

Betsy: Oh, come on, Mike, you did a great job! I promise I’ll be there to help you. It’s just the food. Other people are doing the games and stuff. It’s going to be less stuff this year.

Michael: (
Feeling very pressured and guilty. He can hear a voice in his head say,
Just do it, Michael. Why do you worry about things so much?) All right, how many people will be there?

A friend of mine asked me to make jewelry for her wedding last summer. She offered to pay and made it clear it was fine for me to say no. Of course I said yes. Then she came over to describe what she wanted and that it was for six people! I started to feel resentment. Once I got started, I hated every minute of making that jewelry. I said to myself,
What were you thinking? People are always taking advantage of you. This is a waste of your time. It’s ridiculous how you let people walk on you.

Of course, this was all untrue. She by no means walked on me. She offered to pay. I’m the one who said, “Oh, don’t worry, just pay for my supplies!” Dumb! I remember sitting there with my silver chain and crystals just seething. The stress started to get to me, and I got really negative every time I looked at my work. And it was all because I didn’t really think about things and say no.

Thinking in complex ways is harder to do when a person is depressed. In other words, making choices, even relatively simple ones like where to eat out, can feel overwhelming. So they just say yes and then dislike their choice. Plus, low self-esteem leaves the person with feelings of self-doubt. This means a person says yes to get the situation resolved. The problem is that they don’t focus on the consequences of the yes.

Do you say yes all the time to please people? Or maybe it just feels easier to say yes and get the person to leave you alone. Does your family make you feel guilty when you say no? Are you of the martyr persuasion? No matter what the cause, you have to say no if you want to get your own things done when you’re depressed. You owe it to your health and your productivity.

Let’s look at how Michael says no:

Betsy: I’ve put you down for the food position. You are so great at planning things. The office party is going to be really fun this year. It would be great if you would take care of the food like you did last year. You did a great job.

Michael: Thanks for the offer. I’ve decided to just enjoy the party this year. I’m sure there’s someone who likes to do this kind of thing.

Betsy: I’ve asked people and they keep saying that they loved what you did and that you should do it again!

Michael: Thanks for the compliment! People are so nice. (
He turns just enough so that she can see he is about to walk away.
) It’s so great that you’re putting this together this year. I think it will be a lot of fun. (
And he’s out the door!
)

That’s one way to say no. Here are some others:

Remember:
It’s easier to take a few minutes to say no than it is to worry over, obsess over, and then get depressed because of a yes you didn’t want to say. Practice:
No thank you. No, that’s nice of you. No, I can’t. No, no, no, and again … no.

When you’re faced with a cloudy, depressed mind, you can drive around in circles, change your work location from one place to the next, forget where your kids are, miss work deadlines, and have trouble deciding what order to do things in. The projects you’re supposed to do whirl around in your head like a swarm of bees, and somehow you’re supposed to pluck one of them out of the swarm and get it done. This can feel pretty impossible if the tasks are so jumbled together you can’t even think of all you have to do, much less what has to be done first.

This focus issue can seem so impossible to deal with, especially when you’re late for a presentation, have to study for a test, or need to prepare an event. You can run around like a chicken for quite a long time without getting anything started. This happens because you lack focus. The good news is that you can
make
yourself focus when your brain can’t.

Focus
is
a skill you can learn. It’s a forceful way you can take over a situation when your thoughts are very unclear. It may be that your depression is mild on the days you can’t focus. On these days, it’s not that you lack desire for action. In fact, you do have the energy to get things done; you just don’t have the precision it takes to really use your abilities. This is where forced focus can really help. When your depression is more serious, you have to work on focusing minute by minute. But it can be done.

Do you experience any of these signs of trouble focusing?

Focusing is hard enough when you’re well. It takes practice to focus when you’re depressed, but it’s definitely possible.

I run marathons. The running really, really helps my mood, but I’ve found that the athletic mentality I need is often lost when my mood is low. I have honestly run in circles a few times because I forget which way to go. Instead of focusing on my stride and how much water I need, my mind goes off on a tangent and I just run aimlessly.

This is different from getting into the zone. In fact, the zone is very, very focused. I can see everything clearly, hear my breath, remember my running form, and run with ease when I’m in the zone. It’s harder to get into the zone when I’m depressed. I get around this by snapping myself back into my running by saying, “Run the right way, Peter! Get in stride. Focus on your feet and your form. What are your arms doing? Where are you going? What mile are you on? Where is your focus?” Not focusing when you run is dangerous; that’s when injuries happen. When I run, I make sure I pull myself back into reality.

I woke up mildly depressed the other day. I felt a little relief from the more serious depression of the day before and decided I had a lot of things to get done. I got in my car and started driving. I then realized I had no idea where I was going. Should I go see my friend to get the clothes she got for me at a garage sale? Should I do the right thing and work on this book at the library? Should I go see my nephew, talk with my mother in her garden, call and schedule a trip I’m taking in a few weeks? Call my physical therapist? My goodness! It was like being in a dryer full of clothes. The options just went around and around.