Authors: Michael Lewis
“Oh shut up!
You’ve done everything and fucked everybody in the book but the first one to
holler about hell. So, Sheree you can stop hating me because daddy left
everything to me. I was his only child. He took care of you all like you were
his own. You all call me evil, but mom tried to drive a wedge between me and
the rest of you so her secrets would be safe. Actually, we all already knew all
of this you just didn’t.”
Mom stormed
out in a huff and Sheree, Drama Queen Jr. went to pieces as mom dragged her by
the hand out the door behind her. I laughed at both of those clowns. I
considered my dad and my brothers my only real family anyway. Good Riddance!
I’ve never had much use for those messy bitches anyway.
My brothers
and I were always close. They were treated the same as I was because like me,
they were immune to my mother’s manipulation. When I shared my inheritance with
them, I think it caused an even further rift between them and my mom. She
resented the fact that I’d shared with them and not her. Of course she felt I
was supposed to turn over everything I got to her.
When Alton
proposed to me she was happy that she could brag that her daughter was marrying
a successful architect. She thought that made her somebody. I personally
resented that because I had a Bachelor’s Degree (Summa Cum Laude) and an MBA by
the age of 23. In spite of all I’d accomplished on my own merit, I was nothing
to her until a man wanted me, as if I needed one to complete me. I’m sorry but
I’ve never been the codependent damsel who needed a man to make my life
meaningful. I was making plans to go to law school when I dropped it all to get
married, a decision I regret every single day!
That mother
of mine is a walking contradiction. She was happy for me to marry Alton, but
she was also jealous. It was just one more thing I had that she wanted. I got
my daddy’s inheritance, and my daddy’s love. The way she fucked around on him
despite how good he was to her was shameful. As the ever dutiful do good husband,
every time she brought home one of the fruits of her infidelity he took them in
like his own until he divorced her. He never had any more kids or remarried. He
left everything to me and that ate mama up!
Jazz
When I went to
visit my mom I hadn’t prepared for all the questions she asked.
“Hey baby, I
was beginning to think you had forgotten where we lived.”
“Oh nah mom,
I’ve just been really busy. I got a record exec to listen to some of my work
and they’re interested. I’ve been in talks with them.”
“That is
great. What I really want to know is who has you glowing like a neon light?
Don’t lie to me either, a mother knows her child. You haven’t looked this happy
in a long time. I can see it too. Your happiness is from deep down.”
“Well uh I’ve
been seeing someone.”
“That’s
great. I would love to meet the young lady that is putting this happiness into
my baby’s life.”
Sitting with
my mouth open, I didn’t know what to say next or even if I should say anything.
I didn’t want to act suspicious but I had to find something to say and quick.
“Well you
will get to meet my baby in due time.”
“So what is
her name? What is she like? What does she do?”
“Whoa Ma’ too
many questions. You will find all that out in due time. I have to make sure
this is the one.”
Choosing my
words carefully, I tried to be as ambiguous as possible, hoping my mom wouldn’t
catch on.
“We know so
little about your life these days. I am just happy to see you happy. I’ve never
even been to your place since you moved. That was over a year ago. Are you
living with her? That’s okay with me.”
“So how is
dad?”
“Well he is
still Tony, that’s about all I can say. I am glad he has been staying out of
trouble. His company is doing really well. He just got 5 new accounts, the two
new buildings downtown and 3 other office buildings in College Park. Who would
have ever thought he would own a successful landscaping business?”
“You know he
got hustling in his blood. He probably got a side business too.”
“Let’s hope
not. So will I be having any grandkids in the near future?”
“Wow mom one
step at a time.”
“I just want
to keep it on your mind. What’s the matter? You look worried about something. I
told you I know my child. Something is on your mind, talk to me.”
“I um…it’s
just…it ain’t nothing mom. Don’t worry, something just came across my mind.”
“I don’t
believe you for a second, but I’ll leave it alone for now.”
Just about
then my dad came home.
“Hey! You’re
looking good son. Some girl is taking good care of you I see. What you know
good boy?”
“Oh I’m good
pop. I just told mom I’ve been having some meetings with a record company
interested in my work.”
“Just as long
as it doesn’t get in the way of the family business. Nothing comes before that.
I have a reputation.”
“Ahhh, I hate
to leave so soon. I didn’t want to leave without seeing you but I have to get
back to my side of town.”
“Alright boy.
Don’t be such a stranger. You mom worries when she doesn’t see you for so damn
long.”
“Okay, I will
try to come by more often. Love Y’all.”
‘Bye baby.”
“Yeah, later
son.”
It just got
too damn thick in there. It felt like I was suffocating or something. I didn’t
want my mom to bring up the previous topic in front of my dad. I knew he would know
something after I gave one answer. I couldn’t take that chance. The visit put
things back in check for me. Zeke had me so happy I had forgotten there was
another world out there separate from our personal love nest. A world that’s
not opening minded and critical of everything, especially things that went
against the status quo. I was carefree in love, but because so many people know
me all it would take is the wrong person to see something. I knew it would be
in my best interest to take things back low key like at first. Hopefully Zeke
would understand.
When I got
home Zeke was working on something in the study. I went in to speak as I
usually did when I got home.
“Hey Sup
Zeke?”
“Hey Jazz.
Come in.
“Nah, you
working I won’t disturb you.”
“I am finished.”
I didn’t wait
for him to finish his sentence before I walked away to the living room to get
the bags I’d brought in. Zeke came in and walked over to me. When he went to
kiss me I turned away.
“Nah, watch
out Zeke. We’re right in front of the window and shit.”
He didn’t say
anything in response he just gave a knowing nod and walked away. That night
instead of sleeping with him, I slept in my own bed, which I hadn’t done in so
long I couldn’t remember the last time. I caught hell that night too. I was used
to holding Zeke in my arms every night, all night. I tossed and turned all
night long and got a solid 30 minutes of sleep all night. The next morning it
looked like I’d spent the night in the depths of hell.
The next
morning the aroma of coffee, bacon, and pancakes with maple syrup woke me up.
After I washed up I went to the kitchen where Zeke was standing at the stove
putting the last of the pancakes on a platter. I tried to kiss him and he
turned away from me. I tried again and he dodged me again and said,
“Watch out
Jazz we’re right in front of the kitchen window.”
I couldn’t
say shit because I knew I deserved that. During breakfast, Zeke didn’t say a
word to me. After he finished he took his dishes into the kitchen and it
sounded like he threw the dishes into the sink and jumped into the sink behind
them. By the time I realized he was actually leaving the house, he was already
backing out of the garage. I saw him just in time to see him wipe the tears
from his eyes as he looked into the visor mirror. He drove off then wiped his
eyes again. He was crying and I felt awful. I started to go after him but
decided I’d better leave him alone.
“Oh Shit!” I
said as I looked at my watch and remembered my meeting with Marlena was in 15
minutes. I shaved and got dressed quickly. Zeke was on my mind all the way
there. I couldn’t get the image of him crying out of my head. I wiped the tears
that had started to form in my own eyes and took a deep breath before entering
the office.
“Hey boy you
look handsome today.” Shay commented.
“Thanks a
lot.”
“I’ll tell
the cougar you’re here.”
“You are so
bad.” I responded with a laugh.
Marlena came
out immediately to show me into her office.
“Hello,
Jazz.”
“Hello, I
apologize for being late.”
“Oh don’t
worry about it. Have you thought anymore about the business offer I made to
you?”
“You mean the
proposition?”
“No, I make
offers.”
“There was
nothing to think about. I know I am talented so if you pass it’ll only be a
matter of time before someone else recognizes my talent.”
“Oh sweet
naive one, that’s only if someone else even agrees to see you, which will be a
dream after I put the word out about you.”
“You’d really
do that to me? Do you really need some dick that bad?”
“It’s not what
I need, it’s what I want and I get what I want.”
“Someone must
have hurt you and fucked your heart all the way up. You may be used to messing
over these wet behind the ear niggas, but I’m a real nigga straight off the
block so bitch don’t try to play me. You like my work or you don’t, it’s that
simple. My dick ain’t under contract bitch.”
“Okay, I’ll
get back to you.”
“Yeah aiight.
I’m out.”
I wasn’t as
clueless and wet behind the ears as Marlena thought I was. I knew all about her
scandalous dick thirsty ass and how she operates. Although she is a
manipulating bitch, she is also a shrewd businesswoman. I knew she realized
that I was a commodity and she stood to make a lot of money.
I decided to
get Zeke a peace offering on the way home. I knew he loved Jolly Rancher candy
so I stopped and got a big bag. I decided to do what I should have done in the
first place and explain things to him instead of just pushing him away like I
did. When I got home Zeke wasn’t there. I waited for him till the last possible
moment before I had to leave for my gig. I got home about 6 A.M. and Zeke still
wasn’t home. I gave up calling his cell phone after leaving messages until his
voice mailbox was full. I got worried and called Alton.
“Hello, Alton
it’s Jazz. I’m looking for Zeke, have you seen him?”
“Yeah, I saw
him a few minutes ago.”
“Oh that’s a
relief. He is okay then. He hasn’t been home all night. I saw him yesterday
morning and haven’t seen him since.”
“What did
Zeke say to you when you last saw him Jazz?”
“Well, he didn’t
say anything.”
“What did you
do to him?”
Alton
it’s a lot going on that I am trying to figure out. I need to explain
everything to Zeke. Alton, I love Zeke real talk. Zeke means everything to me.”
“Jazz, uh man
are you crying?”
“Yeah, I
guess I am. I know Zeke is hurt about how I turned away when he tried to kiss
me. It ain’t what he thinking man. When I saw him crying I should have tried to
stop him, followed him, called him, I should have done somethin’. I can’t
lose him, not over a misunderstanding.
“You haven’t
lost him. He told me not to tell you I’ve seen him but he is ok. His feelings
were was really hurt. He said he felt like a leper. I did get him to see that
you weren’t rejecting him but probably didn’t even realize what you did.
“I’mma talk
to him when he gets home, thanks man.”
Zeke finally
came home that evening about 6 and I was standing at the front door waiting.
Zeke walked straight past me and went straight to his room so I followed him.
“Zeke how you
gonna just walk past me like that? I need to talk to you.”
He didn’t
answer me.
“Zeke? I know
damn well you hear me!”
It annoyed me
when he pulled that silent treatment shit when he was pissed, I ain’t mean ta'
raise my voice at him like I did though. I must have scared him because he
jumped. He did speak though.
“Jazz it took
me a while to unconditionally love and be proud of the person I am. I don’t
want to be anybody’s little closet secret, but what you did was even worse. In
my own home, you shunned me like
I was a
leper. When all I tried to do was show you simple affection. It wasn’t even
that you didn’t want me to kiss you in front of the window I could understand
that. It was the expression on your face and then the way you turned away with
force that was almost violent. Jazz, it made me feel like my kiss was the most
disgusting thing on earth. I couldn’t understand why a simple thing to show
love to you ended up making me feel like I stepped out of a sewer. That hurt me
so bad Jazz, and then I sat there stone faced trying not to cry because I
didn’t want you to feel bad. Zeke explained as his eyes filled with tears that
ran freely down his face. He didn’t try to stop them this time.
In that
moment I realized four extremely important things:
1. What I did
was selfish because I didn’t even think about how that would make Zeke feel and
it really hurt him and I totally understood why.
2. I realized
that I was not alone in my fear. This dude loved me as hard and as strong as
you can love a person.
3. I realized
that I loved Zeke right back just as strong if not more. It wasn’t a phase, it
wasn’t an experiment, it wasn’t temporary, this nigga was my heart, my world,
my life, my air, my everything.
4. I realized
that what I had was true love because I wasn’t afraid of anything anymore, not
my dad, not what he expected, not that he would be furious I stopped dealing.