Some other tricks:
• Put the crib right next to your bed and then move
it
away at the beginning of the Shuffle.
• Use a screen or create a makeshift wall from a curtain tacked to the ceiling.
I need to coach more than one child—and they’re in separate bedrooms! Is that possible?
Yes! For example, sleeping coaching a baby and a toddler or preschooler at the same time is easier if both parents (or two caregivers) are available at bedtime. Wait for an evening (or ideally a few evenings in a row) when you and your spouse will both be home at bedtime, or recruit a friend or family member to help you. One parent puts the baby to sleep and the other parent puts the toddler/preschooler to sleep using the Shuffle techniques. If you don’t have an available and willing spouse or family member to help you, then sleep coach one child at a time. Start with the baby, since he or she goes to bed earlier. Set up your older child with a quiet activity, such as a not-too-stimulating video while you do the Shuffle with the baby at bedtime.
I’m worried that the child I’m sleep coaching will wake my other child. What then?
This is a common concern. Many parents will rush in to soothe one child in order to avoid disturbing the other one. Try not to fall into this trap: It will only perpetuate one child’s night awakenings by reinforcing one or both children’s sleep crutches. If one child wakes the other, then start with the older child. For instance, if you’re working with a 6-month-old and she wakes up a 2-year-old in the process, go to the toddler, reassure him that the baby is okay, and tell him he can go back to sleep—
then
tend to the 6-month-old. If both parents are home, then divide and conquer, one of you with each child. Don’t panic and start any negative habits with your toddler that you’ll have to change, such as lying down with him to get him back to sleep quickly and quietly. I also recommend putting a white noise machine in an older child’s room to mask the sound of other things going on the house. Marpac makes a good one, or you could use a fan.
My children share a room. How do I sleep train them?
There are several possible scenarios here:
1. If you need to sleep train a baby who’s in a crib in your room but will be sharing a room with an older sibling, I suggest you modify the Shuffle and sleep coach your baby in your room and then move her in to the shared room.
2. If your children are already sharing a room, one option is to move the older sibling out temporarily until the baby is consistently sleeping through the night. This option works well if the older sibling already has reasonably good sleep habits. This may mean the older child sleeps in a makeshift bed in your room. Explain to your older child that this arrangement is
temporary
—just until the baby learns how to put himself to sleep. Meanwhile, tell big sister that there will be no talking to or playing with the baby when she moves back into the shared room. Explain that sharing a room is special and it’s important to have good “sleep manners.”
3. If you’re sleep coaching two children at once (singletons or multiples) who share a room (whether they’re both in beds or cribs or not), you can still sleep coach at the same time and use the Shuffle techniques. Often one parent will sit between the beds or cribs and go over to the individual bedsides as needed to comfort each child. If both parents are available, you can each sit by one of your child’s bedside or crib during the first Shuffle position. You will only need one parent for the subsequent chair positions.
Should I tell my older child that I will be sleep coaching their younger sibling?
Absolutely. Explain to the older child what’s going on and help her feel like she’s a part of it. Depending on her age and her own sleep skills, you may even help her think of herself as a sleep role model for the baby. Tell her the baby needs to know how to get herself to sleep, just like her big sister does. Explain that when the baby learns, she won’t cry as much, but in the meantime you have to be with her, or you have to go check on her. The older child will let you go more easily if you make her an ally.
What if my child gets sick in the middle of sleep training?
Don’t abandon the program completely: If you can, maintain your Shuffle position until he feels better. If you feel he absolutely needs you closer, go back to sitting near his crib or bed as you did on the first three nights of the Shuffle and then move to the door when he is feeling better. Don’t draw this out or you will just make it harder for him. If he gets sick shortly after you complete his coaching, he’ll probably backslide a bit and you may have to do an abbreviated version of the Shuffle to get him sleeping all night again.
When your child is sick, respond immediately to his cries at night. Do whatever you need to do—give him medicine, aspirate his nose, clean him up after a tummy attack. Hold and comfort him as much as you think he needs, even if it sets back sleep training a few days. Soothe and take care of your child but try not to totally regress.
My child consistently wakes up before 6:00 a.m. What’s going on?
It’s likely your child is getting to bed too late, getting too little sleep during the day, is awake for too long between his afternoon nap and bedtime, or is being put down too asleep at bedtime. Check your sleep log to make sure he’s getting enough daytime sleep and going to bed early enough and awake enough to really master the skill of putting himself to sleep. Children 5 years and under should generally be going to bed between 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m.
If your child is older than 6 months and has been getting up and staying up earlier than 6:00 a.m. for several months, you have an established pattern that will probably take three to four weeks to change.
You will have to work on naps and bedtime at the same time as the early-morning awakenings.
What to do:
• Put up room-darkening shades. This alone can make a big difference.
• When your child wakes up, go in initially at (for example) 5:00 a.m. and say, “It’s not time to get up.” Point out that the wake-up music or light isn’t on (if you’re using either of them). Depending on your child’s age, you might say, “Mommy and Daddy are sleeping.”
• If you’re in the process of the Shuffle, then after your brief initial check resume your chair position until the wake-up music or light comes on.
• If you believe that staying in your child’s room during these early risings is keeping him up then consider leaving. In that case, when he wakes up, go into his room, remind him of his wake-up music, offer him his lovey and verbal and physical reassurance, and then leave the room. Make your visit brief, so as not to further awaken him. Go in for brief checks every 15 to 20 minutes until 6:00 a.m., when you make it your final visit. At that point go into the room and say, “Good morning! Your wake-up music is on.” Excitedly open the shades and get your child up to start the day. Don’t talk about or refer to your prior visits. I call this a dramatic wake-up. Act as if nothing terribly important has happened. With this routine, you’re conveying the following message to your child: Getting you out of bed has nothing to do with how long you have been crying: it is because it’s wake-up time.
If you prefer not to use wake-up music and your child is 3 years or older, you can also get a simple clock and draw a picture of what 6:00 a.m. looks like on a clock face. Set your drawing right next to the clock so it can be seen from the child’s bed. Review each night at bedtime that he is to stay in bed until 6:00 a.m.
I find using a clock radio/CD player or a light with a timer is more concrete and easier for a child to understand. Remind him that he must stay in bed until the music or light comes on. Some parents have used the light successfully with 2-year-olds.
Couldn’t I fix the early-rising problem by simply putting my child to bed later?
Unfortunately, no! The only time that might work is if the following apply:
• Your child is taking “good naps” (determined by age).
• Your child appears rested and happy during the day with less than the average night’s sleep for the child’s age group.
• Your child consistently sleeps through the night and is not off the sleep average by more than one hour.
• You child seems rested and ready to start his day at 6:00 a.m. and can make it to nap time without getting too sleepy.
My child soaks through his diapers at night. What should I do?
Try using extra-absorbent overnight diapers or a larger-size diaper with an insert, or “doubler,”—a pad that you can stick in the diaper. They can be handy on long car or plane trips as well. If you
have
to change your child’s diaper and you’re fast at it, you might be able to remove a soaked diaper quickly while your baby is sound asleep without taking him out of his crib or bed. If your child is over 2, talk to your pediatrician to rule out sleep apnea, which can increase bedwetting.
My child poops every time I put him in his crib. What should I do?
Some children dirty their diaper just as you put them to bed at night or nap time—and some parents become convinced it’s intentional, that the child knows you will pick him up and get him out of the crib. Obviously you need to change the diaper, but do it as quietly as you can, in light as dim as possible. If you can manage it, change him in the bed or crib, and then hand him his lovey and return to your Shuffle position. If this happens at nap time, change him, but approach it as a too-short nap and follow the nap-training advice in the “Nap Coaching” chapter. If it happens at 5:00 a.m., change him and follow the advice for early risers. Children often have a hard time going back to sleep after a 30-minute nap and then a diaper change, or after a 5:00 a.m. diaper change. You may see some crying, but stay consistent and reassuring. If you have completed the Shuffle and you feel your child needs a little more reassurance than normal to go back to sleep after his diaper change, then it’s okay to sit closer that night if you feel it will help. On the following night return to your usual routine.
My child vomits when I put her into her crib. What should I do?
A lot of parents worry that if they let their babies cry too long, they will vomit, particularly if the child has or had reflux. This may be the case if you leave a child to cry on her own, but it seldom happens when the parent remains in the room and practices my gentler, more gradual method. To alleviate this problem, don’t feed your baby right before sleep.
Some children, even older babies, vomit on purpose because they know the parent will take them out of their crib and fuss over them. If you see your child trying to make herself gag (some kids can do this without using fingers!), firmly say, “No!” but immediately follow up with soothing reassurance. If she does throw up, keep cleanup as quick as possible, and engage with her as little as possible. Use wipes or a washcloth, if you can, rather than getting her completely up for a bath. Don’t turn the lights on. Some parents leave an extra sheet on the floor for children who tend to vomit over the crib railing. This makes cleanup easier since they can just roll it up and toss it in the hamper. Then reassure your child back to sleep. Remember, you don’t want to give the message that if she throws up she will get out of the crib and not have to go to sleep.
Obviously, this doesn’t apply to a child who is sick. In that case, you need to comfort her and follow your doctor’s timetable for giving her fluids.
I have a very alert, very bright baby. How will this effect sleep training?
Occasionally, unusually alert, bright, and aware children have trouble learning to sleep. These are the children who reach their physical milestones on the early side, and they tend to have more fragmented sleep. Temperamentally, they may be the kind of children who know what they want and when they want it, and are willing to hold out until they get it. If this sounds like your child, make sure you don’t fall into the trap of thinking that she needs less sleep than average. She may have a hard time shutting out the world in order to get to sleep. Room-darkening shades and a sound screen can help for naps. Be extremely vigilant about watching for your baby’s sleep window.