Good Night, Sleep Tight Workbook (13 page)

Read Good Night, Sleep Tight Workbook Online

Authors: Kim West

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Infants & Toddlers, #Parenting, #General

 
You can change the manners over time if you need to, but not so often that you confuse your child about her goals. Use positive terms—
do
’s
,
not
don’t
’s. In other words, say “Lie quietly in bed” instead of “Don’t make noise in bed.” Here are a few examples:
• “Lie quietly in bed.” (This means no shouting or yelling; talking or humming quietly is okay.)
• “Put yourself to sleep without Mommy or Daddy lying down with you.”
• “Put yourself back to sleep during the night without Mommy or Daddy lying down with you.”
• “Stay quietly in bed until the wake-up music comes on.”
 
In the beginning, include one easy-to-achieve goal so that your child is guaranteed at least one star and the positive feedback to go with it—such as “Cooperate at bedtime.” This is a competence builder. It helps your child feel he can live up to the new sleep expectations, that it’s not too hard for him. Raise the bar as he improves. Tell him he’s so very, very good at getting that sticker that he now has a new manner to focus on.
 
Review her sleep manners every night at bedtime
, even if your child doesn’t seem interested, and review them again promptly the next morning. Give her lots of hugs and praise along with the stickers; after a particularly successful night, you can even offer her a bonus one to wear on her jacket or back of her hand to show to Grandma, the babysitter, her preschool teacher, o r the bank teller. After a not-so-g reat night, don’t say or do any-t hing to make her feel like she f ailed. Just tell her that it’s okay, s he can try again; gently remind h er of the behaviors you are look-i ng for and that you know she can do it.
 
SLEEP-TIGHT TIP
 
 
On occasion an older child will respond better to having a privilege taken away as an incentive for changing a sleep behavior (a favorite video, computer time, morning TV). It’s a last resort and should only be used with a child who’s really resisting making changes or seems not to care. If you have to go there, continue to offer lots of praise for what your child is doing right.
 
A note about “big” rewards. Some parents like to promise t hem if a child earns a certain n umber of stickers. This isn’t usually necessary—the stickers, the praise, the hugs, and the sense of accomplishment are plenty. If you do want to give an extra reward, make it small and be realistic. If you promise a trip to Disney World, what are you going to do for a follow-up? You’re better off promising a trip to the pizza parlor!
 
The Sleep Lady® Shuffle for Children in a Bed
 
I’ll be honest: It’s not as easy to do the Shuffle with a 3- to 5-year-old in a bed as it is with a 6-month-old in a crib. Even though the Shuffle is gentle and gradual, older children still get upset and fight the change. If you’ve got a little resister on your hands, don’t get angry, but don’t give up either. Keep reminding him that he can learn to put himself to sleep in his “big boy” bed without Mommy lying down with him.
 
Throughout the Shuffle we try to minimize tears, but I can’t promise to eliminate them completely. Luckily, by the time our children are preschoolers, most of us find it easier to cope with their crying—especially since they’re now able to use words to communicate their wants and worries. To keep the tears in check, give lots of reassurance, lots of love, and lots of praise. In addition to reviewing rules and expectations every night at bedtime, you should also pay your child some sleep compliments during the day.
 
Nights One through Three
 
Once bath, stories, songs, and review of his sleep manners are over,
sit in a chair or on the floor next to your child’s bed
. Stroke or pat him intermittently if he fusses or cries, but don’t do it constantly or he’ll form a new negative association and will need you to pat him constantly in order to fall asleep. Likewise, don’t let him hold your hand: You should control all physical contact. You can be a little more generous with touch the first night, when the whole system is new to him, but be careful about creating difficult new patterns, starting on the second night.
 
Your child will almost certainly try to engage you.
Try closing your eyes
, which not only conveys an unambiguous message that it’s time to sleep, but also makes it easier for you to resist getting drawn into a conversation or philosophical discussion about the nature of the universe.
Stay there until he falls asleep.
 
Some children get quite upset if you won’t lie down with them. In desperation their parents might put their head down on the pillow next to their child. Try not to do it, and if you do, please limit it to the first night or you aren’t going to make much progress. You won’t be teaching him new skills if you’re sharing a pillow!
 
Close your eyes and “sh-sh” him. If he continues to reach for you then you may have to scoot your chair away from the bed a bit so that you have to lean in to touch him.
 
Remember, in three more nights you won’t be sitting next to him and won’t be able to touch him constantly. You want to be able to fade out of his sleep picture, not add to his fury with every change.
 
Each time your child wakes during the night respond to him the same way. If he calls for you from his bed, or gets out of bed and comes to your room, take his hand and walk him back to his bed. Remind him that his wake-up music is not on yet and that he needs to lie quietly in his bed and go back to sleep. Sit quietly in your chair by his bed until he does.
 
NIGHTS ONE THROUGH THREE REMINDERS
 
• Wake your child if he’s not awake by 7:30 a.m. the morning of the day you’ll begin sleep coaching.
• Make sure your child gets a good nap on the day of the first night of the Shuffle.
• Create your nap, bedtime, and nighttime sleep plans on pages 59-62.
• Create your sleep manner chart.
• Keep a sleep log.
• Have your family meeting
before
bedtime.
• Plan an early enough bedtime.
• Your first chair position is by the bed.
• There is no time limit on how long you sit by your child at bedtime while he goes to sleep. Minimize your interaction.
• Remember, you
can
hug your child if he gets really worked up! Just don’t lie down with him or cuddle him until he goes to sleep.
• Encourage him to pull up his blankets, find his lovey or pacifier, or have a sip of his water by himself.
• Treat each night awakening the same. If your child calls for you from his bed, or gets out of bed and comes to your room, take his hand and walk him back to his bed. Remind him that his wake-up music is not on yet and that he needs to lie quietly in his bed and go back to sleep. Sit quietly in your chair until he does.
• Don’t give up until after 6:00 a.m.! Wait until your child’s wake-up music or light comes on and then do a dramatic wake-up: leave the room, count to 10, and then come back in as if nothing happened! And remember, if you allow your child to get out of bed and start his day
before
the wake-up music comes on, then he won’t take it seriously. After all, you’re not, so why should he?
• Each morning go over your child’s sleep manners chart before or during breakfast. Make sure you have his attention (the TV should be off) and give him stickers or stars for where he did a good job. Talk to him about the behaviors you want to see more of.
• Start nap coaching on day two.
Nights Four through Six
 
Children this age do better when they know what to expect, and they also respond to positive reinforcement. Tell your child what a good job he’s been doing and that you’re going to move your chair. Remind him that you’ll still stay in the room until he falls asleep.
Move the chair to the door
.
 
You may occasionally “sh, sh” if needed, but stay as quiet as you can. Explain to your child that once the lights are out, there’s no more talking.
 
If he gets really upset and you feel he needs help calming down, then go to his bedside, reassure him, and give him a hug. Remind him that you aren’t going to leave him and that you’ll stay until he falls asleep. Don’t let him fall asleep in your arms or on your lap, and don’t lie down with him. Keep telling him what a good job he’s doing, and how proud you are of him.
 
Your child may get out of bed and come to your chair. He may try to bring you back to his bed or crawl into your lap. Give him a big hug and tell him that if he’ll get back into his bed by himself, you’ll come over and tuck him in. If he does it a second or third time, tell him this will be the last time you’ll tuck him in.
 
By this point, most kids get tired and stay in bed, especially if they’re getting the message that Mom or Dad is going to stick around until they fall asleep. But if your child
doesn’t
stop getting out of bed, stand up and explain clearly that if he keeps it up, you will have to leave. Say something like, “If you don’t follow your sleep manners and lie quietly in your bed, then I’m going to have to leave your room.” If that doesn’t work, there are a couple of things you can try:
• Put a gate in the doorway and sit on the other side of it. Let your child know that if he gets into bed and stays there, you’ll come in and tuck him in. If he nods off on the floor near the gate, move him when he’s in a sound sleep.
• Stand up and tell your child that if he doesn’t get into bed and lie quietly you will leave and close the door. Count to three and give him one more chance to get back in bed. If he doesn’t, leave the room, close the door, and stand on the other side of the door and count to 10. Open the door and say calmly, “Get back into your bed and I will come sit in your room.” Chances are he’ll hop right into bed because he wants you in the room. Some preschoolers will test a parent to see if they’ll follow through on the threat, though; if that happens, count to three again, leave the room, close the door, and so on. Some parents have to do this a few times before their child takes them seriously and stays in bed.
 
Each time your child wakes during the night, respond to him the same way. If he calls for you from his bed, or gets out of bed and comes to your room, take his hand and walk him back to bed. If he calls from the gate, tell him you will come tuck him in if he gets back into bed on his own. Remind him that his wake-up music or light is not on yet and that he needs to lie quietly in his bed and go back to sleep. Sit quietly in your chair by the door until he does.
 
NIGHTS FOUR THROUGH SIX REMINDERS
 
• Your chair position is
in the room by the door
.
• Review your child’s sleep manners chart at bedtime.
• Keep a sleep log.
• It is common to see a regression the first night you move your chair farther away.
• There are still night awakenings, but you will nonetheless have to move your chair to the door on the fourth night.
• You may get out of your chair and go to your child’s bedside to comfort him if he becomes hysterical. Don’t stay too long and create a new crutch, such as patting him back to sleep. It happens easily!
• Be careful about your child’s efforts to get you to come to his bedside—such as kicking off his blankets and asking you to cover him back up. Put a limit on the number of times you’ll comply: “Only two cover ups, honey.” Encourage your child to pull up his own blankets, find his lovey or pacifier, or have a sip of his water (put it in a cup where he can reach it) by himself.

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