Gothic Charm School (23 page)

The Internet is not real life. Not by a long shot.

You would think, wouldn't you, that the Lady of the Manners wouldn't need to point that out, that it would be so blindingly obvious that no one would need reminding. Hah. What led the Lady of the Manners to the depressing realization that people needed to be reminded of this? A story recounted to her by a friend.

A friend of the Lady of the Manners (we'll call her LadySpooky) was out one evening at a local gothy club. LadySpooky thought she saw an acquaintance across the room and walked over to exchange pleasantries. As she was waving and saying, “Hi!” LadySpooky realized that this person wasn't who she thought. Being a polite girl, LadySpooky introduced herself and held out her hand. The other person, starting to extend his hand for a handshake, asked, “What's
your board name?” (referring to the local online Goth community message board). “Oh, I'm not on the board,” replied LadySpooky. This other person
pulled back his hand and walked away.

(A small pause while the Lady of the Manners reins in her temper all over again.)

That, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, is inexcusable behavior. Just because someone isn't part of your particular slice of Internet life, that's no reason to snub his or her attempt at friendliness. At the very least, this person should have returned the handshake, introduced himself, and made up an excuse about having to go find someone before walking away.

Allow the Lady of the Manners to repeat herself.
The Internet is not real life
. There are billions of reasons people might not spend every waking minute online, including work, family, or having better things to do with their time.

“Better things to do with their time”—goodness, that's a fine thing coming from someone who spends an awful lot of her time online, isn't it? But the Lady of the Manners doesn't feel she's being hypocritical. Yes, there are all sorts of interesting things to be found on the Internet, and without it the worldwide Goth subculture wouldn't be anywhere near as strong or (in some cases) close-knit. But, like everything, the Internet is best in moderation. Is it vitally important that you associate only with people who post to the same boards as you? Or only people who have above X number of posts on those boards, have their pictures in the same web galleries, or are part of the same online social networking sites as you? No, it isn't. Sorry if the Lady of the Manners burst your little bubble there. In even just one year's time, someone else will be more active in the online Goth scene than you are, will have posted more pictures, and might just snub
you
for not being as Internet-fixated as they are.

Now, in addition to the idea that the Internet isn't real life, there's another concept the Lady of the Manners wants you to keep firmly in the front of your brain. When online, behave just like you're talking with those people face to face. It's very easy to forget there are real people with feelings, opinions, and reactions on the other side of your monitor—you're not just replying to a bunch of text on a screen. You shouldn't say things in e-mail (instant messenger, web forums, comments on people's journals, and so on) that you wouldn't say to the person's face. If everyone could manage this, the Internet would be a much, much better place.

The Lady of the Manners can already hear some of you sputtering, “But, but, I do try to do that! What about the people who respond with big stompy flames to everything I post?” Well, in the Lady of the Manners's worldview, those people are known as jerks. Remember, Snarklings, there will always be people who like to be rude, condescending, and unkind just because they think it's funny (or because they claim they only pick on the deserving, that they're just teasing, that the target overreacted, blah, blah, blah). If you end up dealing with someone like that, do not respond in kind—the Lady of the Manners begs you. It won't accomplish anything. You won't get an apology, you won't change the person's mind or behavior, and you'll merely get yourself all worked up over someone who doesn't deserve even a moment of your time. Ignore it. Don't rise to the bait of any inflammatory comments or posts; heck, don't even read any of these people's comments or posts if you can't wield that sort of self-control. The Lady of the Manners knows that it can be difficult. She occasionally gives in to overwhelming temptation herself, reads something by someone she knows will just annoy her, and then ends up walking away from the computer so she doesn't send a reply that will only start an
argument. But half the battle is learning to recognize who is interested in having a discussion of differing opinions and who is just looking to start a fight. Avoid the latter as often as you can.

Of course, if you've spent any time at all on the Internet, you've encountered another particular strain of annoying and ridiculous behavior many times. (The Lady of the Manners fervently hopes you haven't indulged in it yourselves; if you have, don't spoil her illusions.) At some point, on every blog, message board, LiveJournal, MySpace page, or newsgroup, a version of the following will be posted:

“No one understands me/You are all SO MEAN/I am misunderstood! I am GOING TO LEAVE (delete journal/user profile/stomp off in a huff)!”

This sort of behavior is commonly referred to as
good-bye
,
cruel internets
or “I'm taking my toys and going home!”

Why is this a big deal? Because the person threatening to flounce off in a huff is trying to make other people feel bad about how they've been treating the flouncer. But one of the problems with pulling the Great Flounce-Off is that, well, it's a lot like the story of the boy who cried wolf. No one really believes that the person threatening to leave actually will. It's seen as a cheap ploy for attention, a cue for other people to exclaim, “No, no! We love you! Please don't go! You're obviously right about everything!”

Yes, that's a harsh interpretation. But it's an accurate one. And, to a degree, it works: people rush to reassure the flouncers that everyone
does
like them and would be shattered and bereft if they stopped posting their pearls of wisdom. But if the flouncers has any self-awareness at all, they might notice that the outpouring of adoration isn't as overwhelming as hoped, that it's almost as if some people didn't say anything at all. Of course, the people who resort to the
good-bye
,
cruel internets
ploys usually are not brimming
with self-awareness, so they probably don't notice the lack of universal praise and just keep throwing these sorts of tantrums whenever they're upset or not getting their way.

Now, the Lady of the Manners is aware that some people who state that they are deleting their journals or leaving a message board or forum are
not
indulging in a dramatic reading of
good-bye
,
cruel internets
but actually intend to stop participating in that particular venue. But the difference in tone between the two styles is, at least to the Lady of the Manners, very obvious. People who have decided to move on usually say something like, “I've decided to focus my energies elsewhere,” or “Things are getting busy for me and I don't have the time to keep up with this,” whereas variations of the Great Flounce-Off include, “I don't think anyone understands what I'm trying to say, so I'm just going to stop posting,” or “It's obvious that I'm making people upset or offending them, so I should stop posting.” One of the tell-tale markers of the
good-bye
,
cruel internets
script is the flouncer's need for validation or reassurance.

So! In the hopes of stopping the flouncing-off epidemic that seems to be overtaking the Internet, the Lady of the Manners has some helpful suggestions:

Suggestion the First: If you realize that you've indulged in this sort of behavior in the past,
do not
repeat it. The Lady of the Manners is quite serious. If you catch yourself writing something that sounds even remotely like the
good-bye
,
cruel internets
script, stop and
do not post it
. Instead, ask a couple close friends for a sanity check and listen to what they say, even if it isn't what you want to hear. Be aware that while indulging in these sorts of posts might make you feel better in the short term, you will alienate other people and make yourself the object of bemused pity, if not outright scorn and ridicule.

Suggestion the Second: If you see someone performing the
Great Flounce-Off, do not rush to console or reassure him or her. Ignore it. If the flouncer is a close friend, privately suggest that he or she stop throwing tantrums to get people's attention. How much tact you wish to employ is up to you; while the Lady of the Manners is always in favor of tact and diplomacy, sometimes you need to be blunt and say, “You're being an ass. Did you mean to be?”

Suggestion the Third: Sometimes
good-bye
,
cruel internets
can be worrying. If it sounds like the poster is contemplating self-harm, contact parents, a spouse, or close friends to pass on your worries. Yes, you might be overreacting, but the Lady of the Manners feels it is better to take this kind of post seriously and be wrong than to ignore it and live with a tragic outcome. If the poster gets angry with you for interfering, point out that he or she should choose words more carefully.

Why polite honesty doesn't always have the hoped-for effect

Polite honesty is indeed a habit to aspire to. Sadly, there is a wide gulf between polite honesty and stating one's opinions with no regard for other people. And some people's definitions of polite honest behavior change when
they
are on the receiving end of it.

In the Lady of the Manners's universe (which features a lovely, if strict, dress code), polite honesty means expressing your opinion truthfully, calmly, and without the hidden (or not-so-hidden) agenda of starting an argument. (The Lady of the Manners trusts that all of you know the difference between a discussion and an argument. Don't laugh; just let her cherish that illusion for a bit longer, please.) Polite honesty means there are no overtones of “You're an imbecile if you don't agree with me” and no insults thinly disguised as advice for someone's own good.

If the Lady of the Manners may be so bold, she'd like to suggest that all of you go back and reread that last sentence, because the Lady of the Manners feels that's where the whole idea of polite honesty breaks down. The Lady of the Manners has witnessed far too many instances of “cruel to be kind” that seem to be missing the “kind” part of the equation. Also, even if someone has no social skills and causes fights every time he opens his mouth (or sits down in front of a computer), there is no good way to tell him that without it going badly. It doesn't matter how much he may need someone to (very politely) tell him these things; just because he needs to hear it doesn't mean he'll listen.

The few times the Lady of the Manners has decided to be politely honest with someone concerning uncomfortable truths, the Lady of the Manners approached the conversation knowing that this person probably would not listen, might say hurtful things in return, and probably would take her actions as a personal attack. The Lady of the Manners cannot think of anyone, herself included, who could take that sort of critique without becoming very prickly and defensive.

Does all this mean that the Lady of the Manners thinks everyone should abandon the notion of polite honesty? Good heavens, no. The Lady of the Manners just wants people to be aware that no matter how good your intentions, odds are high that the object of your criticism will become cranky. It's possible you might be pleasantly surprised, but don't bet your collection of pointy boots on that chance. If someone asks your opinion on a potentially sensitive or difficult subject, make sure she really
wants
your opinion, and is not merely looking for reassur
ance or agreement.

But what should you do if someone really does need to hear some uncomfortable truths? First, think very hard about whether or not your heart-to-heart will make any difference. The Lady of the Manners wouldn't dream of having this sort of conversations with certain people, mostly because she is well-aware that those people wouldn't listen to a blessed thing the Lady of the Manners had to say. There is a vast difference between having a difficult conversation and shouting into the abyss, and the Lady of the Manners wouldn't wish the latter on anyone.

Second, try to determine what you are going to say
before
you start the conversation. Well before. If you know what you want to say and how you are going to say it, you might be able to keep the conversation from turning into a heated argument.

Third, keep in mind that whomever you're speaking with will probably feel attacked or hurt, no matter how mild you think you're being. This person may not flounce off in a huff or start yelling but probably will still feel a little touchy. You may need to repeatedly explain that your intention was not to cause distress but to express something that needed to be said.

If, after keeping all of those things in mind, you still are determined to pursue the difficult but politely honest conversation, the Lady of the Manners wishes you luck and hopes that not too many inter-scene dramas flare up as a result.

The never-ending debate about fashion vs. music (part 1)

“Goth is really about fashion. Anyone can listen to the music, but if you're a
Real Goth
, you look like one.” This statement sums up one side of the great Goth argument that is always going on somewhere. It's an argument that, in addition to being never-ending, gets very heated and tends to feature both sides flinging around the withering epitaph “poseur.” The argument can be summed up thusly: The driving force behind the Goth subculture is———, and that blank is filled with either fashion or music. The idea that both are equally important to the world of Goth is, while a charming notion, not a widely championed one.

“Waitaminute!” the Lady of the Manners can imagine you saying. “But didn't Goth come from the punk music scene? Doesn't
that mean music is the obvious answer?” Well, no, not really. While Goth did creep forth from the shadow of punk, the look was there from the beginning. The wildly tousled and unnaturally colored hair, the thick eyeliner, the lace and shredded fishnets. For many people, the ritual of getting all gothed up to go out to a club was more important than listening to music at the club itself. Sure, nightclubs and concerts provide gathering places for the spooky tribes, but the attire lets you identify (to a degree) who else may be part of that tribe. If you say “Goth” to someone outside of the subculture, they probably don't automatically think of iconic Goth bands such as Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, or The Sisters of Mercy. No, the non-Goth probably thinks of someone with un-
naturally or cosmetically enhanced white skin, and hair, eyeliner, and clothing of a uniform midnight shade. In other words, there are all sorts of people who may like a selection of various Goth songs but would never be identified as such because of the lack of visible subcultural markers. Whereas if someone merely flirts with an all-black outfit and darker-than-the-norm eye makeup, people fall over themselves in the haste to affix the Goth label.

Most days, the Lady of the Manners comes down on the side of fashion in this long-standing debate. (See the chapter on music for further explanation of why she wavers between the two sides.) It takes dedication to bring your closet over to the dark side, especially if you want to do more than merely wear black jeans and a T-shirt with an appropriately spooky slogan. Thanks to the magic of the Internet, it is easier than it was in the days of yore to collect a closet full of gothy finery, but sporting a full-on Goth look still takes a smidge more effort than accumulating a music playlist tinged with darkness. (Ooooh, the Lady of the Manners can just imagine the glares she's getting from some people for that statement! Just wait Snarklings, and read on.)

Appropriate attire suggestions for job interviews, the corporate world, family get-togethers, the summer heat, the chill of winter, and other events

So you've decided to turn your closet into a shadowy realm. But then perhaps it occurs to you that your new wardrobe of darkness, while decadent and striking, might not be the most appropriate garb for certain occasions. Should you wear a velvet frock coat and
frilly shirt to a job interview? What about to work? The answer to those sorts of questions is, well, maybe. “Maybe,” because you don't want to completely disguise who you are when interviewing for a job. Try to look like yourself, but dress a bit more formally, a bit more “businesslike.” A black suit jacket worn with a dark red or purple shirt will keep you from looking like an undertaker but will hint that your personal style is not quite that of the average interviewee. If you are intent on working in a field where vibrantly colored hair is frowned upon, accept that fact and don't contemplate dying your hair blue.

For that matter, be aware of the corporate culture in the field you're looking to join, and use that knowledge to inform your choices for interview-wear. The Lady of the Manners works in the software industry, which has a somewhat elastic dress code, to say the least! So while the Lady of the Manners has worn severe frock coats and petticoat-enhanced skirts to job interviews, she knows that not everyone will be able to do that.

The Lady of the Manners doesn't have to tell you that your success in the corporate
world is largely due to the quality of your work, does she? Being pleasant and polite to your coworkers is important, but being a clear communicator and doing your job well is even more so. The Lady of the Manners is quite serious, you know. Being good at what you do is vastly more impressive to managers than looking like everyone else. As you build up an employment history, remember that in most industries, your skills and knowledge are far more important than how you look. Yes, it's absolutely vital to make a good impression, which does mean that you shouldn't wear PVC trousers and a T-shirt with a semi-naked vampire lady on it to a job interview. (You weren't going to do that, were you? The Lady of the Manners is sure you wouldn't have but does sometimes worry.)

If you're a Goth in the corporate world, don't feel you must be wary and defensive, that your coworkers wouldn't understand you, that you have to hide your gothness or tone down your personality. But keep in mind that your dark and possibly morbid sense of humor may, at first, be a little unsettling for coworkers. When your coworkers ask about your wardrobe or desk decor, don't roll your eyes at them or act annoyed at their questions, even if they are the same questions that you've heard countless times from other people.

Setting aside the fact that it's not your coworkers' fault that you've been asked, “So what's with all the black clothes?” a bazillion times before, there's that little fact that treating one's work colleagues politely is vastly important. Office politics, while considered a cliché, are a fact of life. While the Lady of the Manners is certain there will be times when you want to unleash your iciest tone and most withering glare upon a coworker, those things can be
career-limiting moves
. Yes, even when it's done in response to a coworker asking you if you think you're a vampire. The other side to this, of course, is to have a sense of humor about the whole
“Goth at the office” lark. The Lady of the Manners's coworkers are fond of having her stand (well, loom, as much as she's able at 5'4”) in the doorway of a room where a meeting is running late. Eventually someone notices the black-clad Goth lady in the doorway, does a double-take, and realizes that perhaps it's time to wrap up the meeting so the next group of workers can take over the space.

Finally, try to keep in mind that many non-Goths think that Goth is a phase, something in which people dabble in their teens and early twenties but set aside when it's time to join the “real world” as an adult. The thing is (as the Lady of the Manners has mentioned), that is not actually the case. Many CorpGoths, sometimes mistaken by their coworkers for just-out-of-college youngsters, have years of experience and skills in their chosen field. Their less-than-corporate appearance doesn't mean they don't understand how “things are in the real world”; instead, they're secure enough in their skills and in who they are that they don't feel the need to adopt any protective coloration as camouflage.

In a perfect world, family get-togethers would have nothing in common with job interviews; your family would accept and welcome you warmly no matter what you look like. But even if you are one of the lucky ones with such a family (as is the Lady of the Manners, thank goodness), there are still scenarios involving relatives that require you to put a little more care and thought into your appearance.

The most important thing to remember is to be respectful. If your grandparents or your great-aunt Esmerelda are of a more…conservative mindset, do not set out to deliberately antagonize them with your apparel. You don't have to disguise yourself as a run-of-the-mill normal person, but don't wear that
shirt with “fuck” printed repeatedly across it. Don't wear anything too reminiscent of what you'd wear out to the Goth club; club clothes tend to be a little too provocative or risqué for family gatherings. If you are a Goth whose style tends toward the more antique end of the spectrum of black, you will have an easier time garbing yourself for a family party than one of the more deathrock or fetish-style Goths. Silks and velvets tend to raise fewer familial eyebrows than, say, ripped fishnets and a vinyl corset.

You may be thinking, “But I'm expressing myself!” Yes, Snarklings, and the Lady of the Manners wants you to do that. But sometimes expressing yourself in a slightly quieter sartorial tone will keep a family gathering from turning into hours of disapproving looks and lectures.

Summer

Again, in that perfect world, if the Lady of the Manners had her way, the weather would be perpetually autumnal. Yes, yes, the changing of the seasons is a lovely thing (and is absolutely necessary; the Lady of the Manners is not completely oblivious to that fact), but let's face it, the usual Goth wardrobe is not ideal for all weather conditions. Summer is the obvious problem season for Goths; not only does all-black clothing absorb the heat
very
efficiently, but it's hard to maintain an air of otherworldliness and mystery when you're a peeling, sunburned mess. You will need to develop some strategies for coping with the heat and the sun. Wear loose, billowy clothing in white, ivory, or pale grey. You can wear loose, billowy clothing in all black (heaven knows the Lady of the Manners doesn't give up her black dresses during the summer), but just understand that a lighter color will better de
flect the heat. Try to not to wear head-to-toe PVC or polyester. (You can, if you really want to, but then you probably shouldn't complain about being too warm. You brought it on yourself.) Summer is an excellent time to scamper around in lightweight bloomers, chemises, and petticoats. Yes, the Lady of the Manners realizes this suggestion isn't of much use to her gentlemen readers. Perhaps shirts and trousers made from lightweight cotton or linen? And though the Lady of the Manners knows it's a hardship, you really should try to forgo stompy boots and instead find sandals or black canvas sneakers.

But Goths of all genders should carry a parasol; not only will you look delightfully antique, but you'll have shade with you wherever you are. Parasols can be as simple as a Chinese-style paper parasol (easily found at all sorts of stores and various online retailers) or as elaborate as a lace-frilled vintage confection. However, the easiest way to add a parasol to your wardrobe is to find an umbrella you like (thrift stores are wonderful for this) and decorate it to your heart's content. You can paint designs on it, sew (or hot-glue) lace ruffles, silk roses, or feathers around the edge, or wrap the handle in ribbons and tassels. These same embellishments can be made to any wide-brimmed hat you happen to
find on your thrifting expeditions, turning a plain (black) hat into something worthy of an Edward Gorey illustration.

Other than adjusting your attire for the weather, try carrying a folding fan to make your own cooling breeze, coat yourself in a good, folding fan high SPF sunblock (including your ears, the back of your neck, and any other exposed skin), and be sure to drink plenty of water.