Authors: Jo Watson
I pull into his driveway and race up the stairs. Knocking softly at first, so as not to disrupt his roommates, I wait on the doorstep for an answer. Suddenly, my heart breaks in two as Tina opens the door, dressed in an oversized school T-shirt and panties. I swallow down the need to throw up and do my best to look her in the eyes.
“I need to talk to Jackson, please.” She glances behind her and then smiles back at me.
“I’m sorry, honey, he’s a little busy right now.” I turn on my heels and rush down the steps. I drive home as fast as I can, trying to wipe the tears from my eyes so I can see where I am going. I tell myself this is for the best; I won’t break his heart because he never really loved me. I hate that Ben was right. Feeling used and stupid, I make my way into my room and crawl under the covers.
Chapter Fifteen
Abby has been trying to get me out of my room for days, holding me as I cry and begging unsuccessfully for me to tell her what happened. Kyle has come in and sat with us a few times, perched precariously on the edge of the bed as if a bomb would detonate if he made himself comfortable.
Today is different. I crawl out of bed and into the shower. Greg is coming home and is expecting me to pick him up at the airport at seven-thirty this evening. I want to imagine him walking through the airport and into my arms, but I know his homecoming will not end this ache.
Jackson comes home sometime today, too. I haven’t spoken with him since before I made that fateful visit to his apartment. He has tried to call but I don’t want to hear his voice. His many text messages would be heartbreaking if I thought they were true. His last one plays over and over in my mind as I get ready.
Jackson: I won’t give up, Rookie. I love you. Stop running.
I pack a small bag and throw it in my trunk before heading to the airport. I have decided to stay with Greg for a while so that Jackson can’t find me. I need time away to get my head on straight and let my heart stop hurting. A few days ago, the news that Greg was coming home several days early would have been devastating, but right now I look forward to being with him again. Maybe with time romantic love could grow from our friendship.
The airport is crowded and I make a few laps in the silence of my car, rethinking every moment that got me here. Ben and Greg were right: my time is up and it has cost me dearly. In a short time I have loved, lost, and learned about a choice my mother made long before I was ever born.
Greg texts that he is walking out of the airport, so I make my way to his terminal and pull in behind a large white van. I am only half-aware of the group of men filing into the van, but as I watch the sliding glass doors, Jackson emerges and walks toward the van, as well. I have never seen him look so terrible, his eyes sunken in with such sadness it takes my breath away.
As if he can feel my presence, he turns his head in my direction and makes eye contact with me. I can hear the blood pounding in my ears as I watch him start to walk toward me. Before he can take three steps, Greg startles me as he opens the back door of my car and throws his bag on the seat. He opens the passenger door and climbs in, leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
Jackson stops dead in his tracks and watches me as I pull away from the curb. Just like that, the weeks we have spent together are gone and my life is right back where it was before I met him. Only now, instead of defiance and helplessness, I feel devastated and hopeless. I had a taste of what love could be and I know that no amount of time is going to wash that down.
Greg is talking about all the work he has done over the past few weeks and I can tell he is nervous. When he reaches over and takes my hand I let him. With a smile, he squeezes my hand. “I’ve missed you, Madeline. I’m so happy to be back.”
“It’s good to have you home, Greg.” We don’t push it past that and ride in silence until we get to his condo. Greg gets his bag out of the backseat and I open the trunk and take mine out, too. He looks puzzled, but reaches out to take it from me.
We walk up the steps and into the lobby of his building. Greg pushes the button for his floor and we watch as the numbers above the elevator indicate that it is getting closer.
“Um, are you…staying, Madeline?”
“If it would be okay with you, I would like to stay here for a few days.” I look into his eyes and try to convey my need for company and he nods and offers a tight smile.
“Of course. Let’s get settled and then we can talk.” We step into the elevator and ride in silence up to his floor. When we arrive and the doors open, Greg nods his head toward the hallway so that I take the lead. He fishes around in his pocket for his keys as I wait by his door.
Inside, he puts our bags down and stands in front of me. When he opens his arms to invite me in for a hug, I dive into him. It feels so good to be held again and I can’t hold the tears back. Greg sways back and forth, rocking me as I cry into his chest. “This past couple of weeks has been something else, huh?”
I can’t even speak; the sobs have rendered my voice useless. Greg takes my hand and leads me into the living room, stopping to grab a box of tissues on the way. We sit on the sofa and I take a few deep breaths to chase away the last traces of crying.
“Caleb told me about how hard Ben came down on you. He should have minded his own business.” Greg says.
“Yeah, well, he was right. I’ll spare you the details, but I was reckless with my heart, despite all the warnings you and Ben gave me.” I try to clean my face up with the tissue Greg hands me.
“I’m so sorry, Madeline—”
“Greg, I love you but I’m not in love with you. I think I need to be honest with you and with myself. I thought it was as simple as saying yes to you and no to Jackson, but it is so much more complicated. It’s over between Jackson and me, but my heart won’t let him go. I feel so guilty that I am even having this conversation with you; I don’t deserve your friendship after what I’ve done.” I pull another tissue from the box and Greg catches my wrist. I look up to his face and see that something is wrong.
“What is it?” I ask, as my stomach sinks.
“I slept with Emily, Madeline. Don’t feel guilty for what you did; I’m not innocent, either. Don’t get me wrong—I was completely committed to you until this trip, but when I let you go, I found her. I can’t help but think that maybe it was the idea of you and me that I was so in love with.” Greg reaches out and wipes a tear that has run down to my chin as I process what he has told me.
“Emily, your assistant?” He nods his head and waits as that information sinks in. I smile when I realize that I am more curious than I am angry or hurt. In this moment I realize that he will always be a friend in my heart. “Is it weird to say that I have always liked her?” I laugh softly and he smiles back at me.
“Yes, it is weird, but I am relieved to hear you say it. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Madeline. I do. I just knew that you weren’t mine anymore, and it set me free.” He holds my hand in his for a moment, then I open my arms and give him a big hug.
“Thank you, Greg, for telling me. I hope we can still be friends. I don’t think I could make it through this if I were to lose you.” He nods his head yes and then kisses my forehead tenderly.
“Madeline, talk to him. If you love Jackson, then you need to make it work.”
“I can’t, Greg.” I explain to him about the letter in my mother’s jewelry box. “I would never be able to get past the idea that my mother wouldn’t have wanted him for me. And obviously my father and my brothers—well, except maybe Caleb—would never accept him. And it makes no difference, anyway, because I stopped by his apartment the other night and his ex-girlfriend answered the door in a T-shirt and panties. You and Ben were right about him.”
Greg hugs me again and rubs my back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Look, we’re both exhausted. Why don’t you take my bed and I’ll sleep out here on the couch. We can talk more about it in the morning if you want.” I nod my head and make my way to the bathroom to change into something I can sleep in.
When I am tucked into Greg’s bed I close my eyes tight and try to think of anything I can that will keep my mind off of Jackson. I can’t listen to my heart anymore in matters of love because of where it has gotten me. I can hear Greg out in the living room as he settles himself on his couch. At least I haven’t lost his friendship in this mess that I have created.
I hear my phone vibrating in my bag and I get up and retrieve it.
Jackson: Rookie, please talk to me. If I have lost you to him, please at least let me know why.
Me: Jackson, just let it go.
Jackson: Not in this lifetime. It may not matter to you, or to the rest of this world, but it matters to me.
I wish it were true, but I know what I saw. I shut my phone off and pull the covers over my head. In the morning I will tell my family I am not going to marry Greg. I will change my phone number and pick up a few more items of clothing so I can stay away from the apartment. I will take my first steps into a life without Jackson and my heart will start to heal. All of this will happen in the morning, but tonight I am going to allow myself a few hours of peace as I drift off to sleep, remembering what it was like to be in Jackson’s arms.
Chapter Sixteen
The evidence of winter break descends upon the campus. The usually busy walkways are scattered with the few students who have chosen to hang around. I have just finished my last final, and I am on my way back to my apartment. It has been thirty days since that night at Greg’s condo. I know this number because I feel every minute of those thirty days as if each one took an hour.
I have been spending a lot of time sleeping over at Caleb’s so I can avoid the apartment and any chances of running into Jackson. If I see him again, I might crumble. I feel like a thin layer of glue holds the pieces of me together and with one strong touch, I will crack and shatter again.
I changed my number and threatened Abby and Kyle within an inch of their lives that it is not to be given to anyone under any circumstances. I know this has put them in an awkward position but I see no other way around it. If I can just keep my distance until I forget what it feels like to be in Jackson’s arms, or the feeling of butterflies taking flight in my stomach at the sound of his voice, then maybe I can get over him.
Abby and Kyle have been understanding about my moping but Abby still begs me every once in a while to tell her what happened. I am too humiliated to share my story, and Kyle and Jackson are good friends now; I don’t want to put Kyle in the middle any more than he already is.
My brothers have been more supportive of my breakup with Greg than I would have expected. They were curious about what happened with Jackson, but didn’t ask too many questions. Ben was the most vocal of all, and in his own way, he may have been trying to make me feel better.
“Thank God you got that guy out of your system, Madeline,” he said. “Typical jock—not the right guy for you at all. Only an immature boy would put football ahead of business. You need someone with commitment and drive. I don’t think I ever could have forgiven you if you’d gotten serious with Jackson Rider.”
Jackson said he would never give up, but that didn’t last very long. He left flowers and notes in our corner on the rooftop every day for the first two weeks, but then one day I climbed the trellis to find only a note. In it, Jackson said that he would walk away if it meant my happiness, because that’s what people do for the ones they love.
As I open the door to my apartment this afternoon, I immediately feel that something it different. Instead of the heavy mood that has blanketed the place as Abby and Kyle try to figure out their relationship, there is a buzz of excitement that is almost intoxicating. Abby is bouncing up and down and comes racing toward me, wrapping me in her arms.
I shoot a curious look to Kyle over her shoulder, wondering what I have missed. Kyle shrugs his shoulders and smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen from him. Abby pulls out of our hug and squeals as she flashes her left hand in front of my face. I have to grab her wrist to get her to stop waving it long enough for me to focus on the beautiful diamond that sits on her ring finger.
Once the connection is made, my hand flies over my mouth and I gape at her. “You’re getting married?” She nods enthusiastically and I throw my arms around her, joining her in her little bounce. My own troubles are forgotten for a moment as my heart soars with excitement for Abby and Kyle.
Abby finally finds her voice again and practically screams, “Get packed, Madeline! Our flight leaves in two hours!”
“Our flight?” I grab her arms to stop the bouncing so I can process what she has just said.
“Yes! VEGAS, BABY! We need you to be a witness.” Abby and Kyle are getting married in Vegas. I am going to be the witness. All these facts are slowly sinking in and I shake my head as I try to keep up. Her face falls. “Madeline, you will do it, won’t you?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it. I was just surprised. Let me throw some things together. I’ll be ready.” I make my way to my bedroom and shut the door behind me. I throw a few things into a bag and I text my family the news and receive a bunch of responses telling me to congratulate them. This is the answer for Abby and Kyle. If they are married, her family will approve of her moving away with him.
I slide my mother’s jewelry box into my bag because it almost feels like there is a piece of her with me when it is around. The three of us climb into a cab and head for the airport. It is a rush of bags and squeals and airport screeners. When we reach our gate we collapse into the plastic chairs and watch as people scurry to their flights. Abby reaches over and grabs my hand.
“Tell me what happened with Jackson, Madeline. Let’s have this talk so we can leave all the heavy shit here.” She is right, so I nod my head and begin.
“I went to his apartment to talk to him the night I found that letter of my mom’s.” I can’t take the pain that is growing in my chest with her sympathy so I look away. “I knocked on his door and Tina answered, only half dressed.”