Authors: Jo Watson
“Good night, Rookie,” he says softly, and then lifts the corners of his mouth in a small smile that falls instantly. I watch him turn and walk away, each step taking a small piece of my heart.
“Jackson,” I say, loud enough that he stops his retreat and turns back to me. “I think you’re forgetting something important.” His head tips to the side and his brows scrunch in question.
“What would that be?” He starts to take a few slow steps back toward me.
“It’s my move,” I say with a mischievous smile, “and I say you’re staying the night.” I might not know where this is going, but I’ll be damned if it is ending right here.
Chapter Twelve
My creepy new hobby is watching Jackson as he sleeps. I love drifting off with his warmth all around me, but in the morning I wiggle out of his arms so I can watch him; the peaceful look on his face puts my heart at ease. I want to choose him. Every day when I wake up I reach for him and each night before I go to sleep he is the last thing I think about. He consumes me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tonight is the last game of the season, and the first football game I will ever attend. Jackson has arranged special seats for Abby, Kyle and me. I am hoping that Abby and Kyle can forget their troubles and enjoy the evening. Leaving my bedroom each morning is like walking into a funeral—the mood is so heavy and the overwhelming need to break down is almost contagious. Abby and I haven’t spoken about Kyle’s job opportunity yet, but today we plan to skip our classes and have a girls’ day before the big game.
I trace a line across Jackson’s brow and down his cheek because I just need to touch him. His eyes flutter open and he smiles when he sees my face. He tucks his arm under me and pulls me to him so that my head is resting on his chest. I feel completely at peace.
“What are your big plans for today, Rookie?” he asks, his voice heavy with sleep.
“Abby and I are getting our nails done and then we are going to grab some lunch. What time do we need to be at the stadium?”
“The kickoff is at five, so be there before four-thirty to make sure you can get to your seats in time. Remember to go to the special gate I showed you yesterday so that you can get into the section I saved for you.” I nod against his chest and wrap my arm around him.
Abby is no longer surprised when Jackson emerges from my room in the mornings. It happens more days than it doesn’t. He has blended well into our morning routine, making coffee for everyone and clicking on the sports news for himself and Kyle. Kyle is here now more than ever. I think he and Abby must feel a more intense version of what Jackson and I are feeling; they have been together for three years and there is a possibility that they won’t be able to come to an agreement and stay together. Jackson and I have been around each other for only two weeks and the thought of our time being over is almost too painful to think about.
After breakfast the boys head off to their activities for the day. Kyle and Jackson have known each other for a few years—apparently they have a couple of mutual friends and have had a few classes together—but their connection through Abby and me has helped to develop that friendship.
Abby and I get in the car to head over to the nail salon. She is trying to be strong but, honestly, this is the most feeble I have ever seen her. Her eyes are dark and puffy and she seems to have lost her spark. “Abby, is everything all right? Are you going to be okay if Kyle moves to Florida?”
“‘Okay’ is actually the perfect word. I am
okay
and it will be
okay.
I don’t think I will ever be happy, and I know that my heart will never feel whole. Right now my options are to move with him and uproot my entire life for a boyfriend, or stay here and start over. You know how family is: they won’t support me leaving everything for a boy, even if we have been together for a long time and I love him.”
I do know how family is, and it is because of that that I just nod and offer a small smile. “As of this morning, where are you at with those options?” I also know how quickly your mind can bounce from one choice to another. Just when I think I have figured out what I am going to do, my mind decides to explore the other choice again.
“It might sound stupid, but I am not choosing. I just can’t. I guess a decision will be made by default. If he wants it badly enough, he will choose the job and that should be information enough for me. If he wants
me
badly enough, we will make this choice together and find our happiness somewhere in between. Right now, he isn’t really talking about what I want, just trying to convince me that I could be happy anywhere.”
“So you will only be happy if you stay here? That’s kind of ironic—I would give anything to get away.”
“Ah, but you forget that sometimes the choices are not so black and white. There are many places that I could be happy. Like that stupid saying, ‘home is where the heart is.’ I just need to know that I am a partner in the decision. Sound familiar? And as for you, if you would only look beyond the story your family has written for you, you would find that your prince might not live in their small kingdom.” She smiles at me as I watch her driving.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Jackson isn’t staying here, Madeline. I haven’t been a very good friend to you because I am drowning in all of this relationship shit I have going on with Kyle. If I had been there for you I would have made sure you knew what you were dealing with. Do you really think Jackson is going to stay here after graduation? He is the star quarterback for a Division One college. Last I heard, he was rumored to be a possible first-round draft pick. He’s going to be gone. If you don’t get your head out of your ass, you are not only going to end up married to Greg, bless his heart; you are going to be thousands of miles away from the only man that I have ever seen make you happy.”
Nausea hits me in a wave, and I swallow down the lump that clogs my throat as I process what she is saying. I have been in denial about this. When I think about my choices I always imagine that things would just go on like they are now with Jackson. I have never considered how horrible it would feel to know that he had moved on without me. Sure, I have thought about running into him at school with girls, but my forever without him would stretch much farther than that. I would want to know how he was, where he was and what he was doing in his life. I can’t imagine what it would be like to let him go. It sounds selfish, and it is, but I just can’t see a life for myself without Jackson in it.
“Abby, I can’t see my family ever accepting Jackson. They can only see Greg—how stable he is, how much time they’ve spent grooming him to be the perfect husband for me. If I were to choose Jackson, I’m afraid I would be choosing to walk away from them. If it were as simple as Greg or Jackson, I wouldn’t be struggling with this decision. It’s more of a contest between Jackson and my family. It’s times like this that I wish I could talk to my mother; I feel like she might be more reasonable and understand me better.”
“Why do you say that?” Abby pulls into the parking lot and turns to face me. “What makes you think your mother would want something different than what your brothers and your father want for you?”
“Remember when I went to my aunt’s house a few weeks ago?” Abby nods her head. “Well, I found a photo there. It was taken when my mother was about twenty-one. She was with a man she used to date before my father and they both looked so happy together, like they were head over heels.” Abby is staring at me wide-eyed.
“What happened?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. My aunt wouldn’t tell me. She just said that my mother’s family didn’t approve of him. So you see, she had a Jackson but chose to marry a Greg. I can’t throw away that information. I can’t ask her why; I can only know that she made that choice. Maybe she would want me to marry Greg, too—she probably would, but at least I could have had a conversation with her about it. I can’t do that with my brothers. They still treat me like a child. It may sound like it’s not a big deal, but knowing that my mother chose my father is one of the things that’s holding me back from writing off my family as crazy and running away with Jackson.”
“Oh, Madeline. You have no idea what made her do that. Maybe the boyfriend broke it off with her. Maybe she regretted her decision every day. Please—I beg you, don’t make a decision so life-changing based on some timeline your mother lived when you don’t know the reason behind those events.” She leans in to hug me and I wrap my arms around her.
“I love you, Abby. For what it’s worth I hope Kyle figures things out. I don’t want to see you miss out on a lifetime of loving him because he can’t think outside the box.” She chuckles into my neck and lets me go.
“What a mess we are! My knight in shining armor can’t figure out where to build the damn castle and yours doesn’t stand a chance against your family’s drawbridge. You know how much I love my family, but Kyle is my family, too. My family is playing a role in my heartbreak, but only because I would miss them. They don’t get to decide who I love, Madeline. If you choose Jackson, your family will either learn to accept it, or suffer the loss of the sister and the daughter they love. At the end of the day, when you lie down to sleep at night, whose arms do you want to be wrapped in?” I don’t need to answer because she already knows.
My phone chimes with a message and I giggle when I read it.
Jackson: Kyle and I have paid for your nails today. We also threw in a massage and had your lunch ordered in. It’s just a gift—don’t overthink it…but if you feel like you need to repay us, I am sure he and I can think of a few things to make it even ;)
Me: Thank you, Mr. Quarterback. You didn’t have to do that. I’m kinda liking you and Kyle as partners in crime.
Jackson: I can’t wait to see you in the stands tonight. See you later, beautiful.
Me: I’ll be there.
The afternoon is wonderful. Abby and I catch up on what has been happening over the past few weeks as we enjoy our spa treatments. We head back to the apartment to get ready for the game and manage to make it to the stadium before four-thirty. We are ushered into our seats, which give us an excellent view of the bench where the team sits. The air feels electric with excitement as the students cheer and clap to our school song.
The announcer’s voice bellows through the stadium, heralding our team, and everyone stands as they emerge from a tunnel onto the field. I see Jackson and my heart swells in my chest. He looks for me in my seat and as our eyes meet, it hits me: I love him. I have known him for only two weeks and it makes no sense, but I love him. There isn’t one seed of doubt or one argument against, just the knowledge that I can’t ever walk away from him without walking away from a piece of my soul. I smile at him, and his mouthguard makes it hard to see whether he is smiling back, but my heart knows that he is. I know him and he knows me.
The game is amazing. I can’t believe I almost missed out on hearing the cheering of the crowd and experiencing the way the band playing in the stadium ramps up the excitement. The whole time I am there I am praying Jackson doesn’t get hurt. By the time our team finally wins the game, my heart feels like it is outside of my body and adrenaline is pumping through my veins. I want to run onto the field and wrap myself around him. Now that I know how deep I am in, I want to tell him. It doesn’t matter if he loves me back; I just want the chance to love him. Abby, Kyle and I wait for the stands to clear out a bit before we make our way to our car. My phone buzzes in my purse.
Jackson: I’ll meet you at your place. I’m not going out with the guys. I just want to be with you.
Me: Thank God. I will see you soon.
When we get to the apartment, Abby and Kyle pour themselves a glass of wine and shut themselves in her room. I am pacing my room, trying to decide if Jackson will think I am out of my mind if I tell him how I feel. It isn’t just the feeling of love that has me so worked up, it is the feeling of freedom. I am going to choose Jackson. I am going to wake up tomorrow knowing that my family won’t approve, but I don’t care. I am going to be happy and I am going to be the person I am, not the person they think I should be. I hear a knock at the front door and I run to answer it.
Jackson looks as impressive as always. His dark hair is wet from a shower and he is wearing gym shorts with a tight T-shirt. His gym bag is strapped across his chest, messenger style, and hangs off his right hip. I jump into his arms and wrap my legs around him, planting kiss after kiss on his forehead. He steps inside and kicks the door shut behind us.
Jackson’s arms are wrapped around me as he makes his way down the hall. I continue to shower his face with kisses and his laugh fills my heart as he tries to return whatever kiss he can. Once in my room he closes the door behind him and fidgets with the lock. I slide down his body and take a step back so he can take his bag off. He tosses it into the corner and then smiles at me and opens his arms wide, as if to request that I resume my previous position.
Laughing, I jump back into his arms and he moves over to my bed, laying me down and then crawling up the bed so that our heads rest on my pillow. This time things are different; he looks into my eyes longer and kisses me more gently and I can feel the peace that settles over us when we are together. It feels like home. He brushes his thumbs across my cheeks and stares into my eyes without saying anything. It is the most intimate moment I have ever experienced and I can see that he is feeling it, too.
Two weeks ago I didn’t know this man and tonight I feel like I have never known anyone so well. I don’t know how it is possible and I would never believe it if it didn’t happen to me. In the beginning when he touched me I felt electricity, but now I feel warmth, as if every time he touches me my heart grows a size, heating up my blood and warming my soul.
Jackson kisses me and it feels so familiar, as if his lips were created to kiss mine. He clasps my hands in his and slowly brings them up above my head. I wouldn’t have thought that our connection could grow any more intense but it is building with each gentle move that he makes.