Heal Me (A Touched Trilogy Book 2) (21 page)

He hovered near the door a minute, before shoving a pile of Phoebe’s crap onto the floor and taking a seat on the corner of the bed.

“Why did you come?” I asked, unable to bear the quiet anymore.

“Phoebe invited me.”

“But why are you here? Why are you sitting with me instead of out there with someone else?” My hope faded so quickly. All it had taken was a simple break in contact to remember that he was waiting for Jaime. Would probably always be waiting for her.

“I wanted to just talk to you.”

“I can’t do this, Micah. I already told you that.” I sounded as if I were on constant repeat. The words coming from me simply due to the repetitiveness without any strength left in them.

“You said that you loved me.” He looked at me then and my face burned with the humiliation of knowing that love was one sided. I stayed silent. I’d told him what I felt. There was nothing left for me to say. He rested his elbows on his knees and dug his hands through his hair. Frustration filled the sigh he gave. “I don’t know if I can be what you want.”

“You don’t have to be,” I said.

“I know, but...I guess I want to be. You’re my best friend and I don’t want that to go away. If you want us to be together, then I’ll try.”

He could have just punched me in the gut.

“Wow. Thanks. Just what I wanted to hear. I always wanted a guy who would date me because he felt like he had no choice.” I shook my head and wished I’d had the brains to stay with Chloe.

“That’s not what I meant. I want to be with you.”

“Really? Because it doesn’t sound like it.”

“You know all of the crap I went through with Jaime. I didn’t think I was ready for more, but if it means that I’m going to lose you, then I’ll try.” He stood and came over to where I sat, squatting down so his face was mere inches from mine. “All I know is that I love being with you. All of the time. Not just the sex. And I want to try being an
us
.”

Micah really sucked at being romantic, but for him it was as close as he would probably ever get. I lost track of his emotions and felt my own happiness fluttering in my chest. I could handle try.

I reached out and tangled my fingers in the hair at his nape, using them to pull him forward. My lips pressed to his and nothing else mattered. He dropped his knees to the ground and I slid off the bench to kneel with him. My pounding heart drown out the thumping of the music and the shouting and laughter just outside the room.

How long we were there, I don’t know. It could have been seconds or hours before the door swung open, breaking us apart and letting in the sounds of loud music and laughter. We both glanced at the intruder and Phoebe glared back at us.

“My sister is not a booty call,” she snapped and took a step further into the room, hands planted firmly on her hips.

“Phoebe, that’s not what-”

“Save it, Lils. Micah,” she jabbed a finger in his direction, “I have two things to say to you. One, your invitation was clearly based on you dressing as Mickey Mouse. Since you chose to wear no costume at all, you are officially uninvited. Two, there’s someone here looking for you. Lily, when you need me, I’ll be in the living room.”

With that, she spun around and stomped away.

“Who would be looking for you?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged, then stood and held out a hand to help me up. The force of his assistance propelled me forward and into his arms. I curled my arms over his shoulders and smiled up at him. Everything was perfect. Nothing, not even Phoebe, could screw up this night for me. The expression on his face was beyond anything I’d dreamed.

“Micah?”

Both of us froze at the voice coming from the door. Micah looked over my head and his arms dropped like lead weights. A sick tightening of my stomach had me slowly turning.

The girl standing in the doorway was beyond gorgeous. Her long blonde hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders highlighted by the lights above her, giving her an angelic halo. I’d been right about the freckles. Not one single speck marred her skin. And she was tall. Almost the same height as Micah. Jaime looked exactly like the photo I’d seen in Hannah’s bedroom.

It was no wonder Micah loved her.

“Jaime. What...? What are you doing here?” He took a step toward her. A step away from me.

“I stopped at your house and your parents told me you were here.” She smirked and I hated her. “Dress up parties aren’t really your thing, are they?”

He simply stared at her and I tried to read his emotions, but he was a complete blank. I could sense them straining against his hold, but he didn’t let any slip out. The blank slate of emotions he presented was nothing compared to my own. There were so many feelings burning inside of me, it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d been projecting his. I wouldn’t have been able to sense them.

“I was hoping we could talk,” she said, completely ignoring me as I stood there in Micah’s shadow. “Everything happened so fast after Hannah was born and then you were gone. Can we go somewhere and talk? Maybe for a cup of coffee? Or a smoke?”

How did she not know he hated coffee? And he definitely didn’t smoke.

“Or do you have to stay?” she asked when he just stared at her without responding.

“No. Yeah, I can go.” He ran a hand through his hair and then wiped it over his mouth “It’s just a birthday party for some friends.”

Suddenly
us
was gone. I was a friend. Again. That fast. That easy. I couldn’t believe I’d done it a second time. How many times would I let Micah suck me in?

The dam of emotions inside of me exploded and I surged past Micah, my anger and hurt beyond anything I’d felt before.

“Lils!” he called behind me, but I kept moving, wanting to put as much distance between us as possible, though why he was even bothering was beyond me.

I made it to the living room before he caught up to me. Phoebe was only feet away, her eyes blazing with anger as they stared past me at Micah. Chloe was right beside her, a more sympathetic look on her face, which was instantly replaced by horror at whatever she saw behind me.

“Micah!” She yelled. “Don’t-”

Micah’s hand fell on my shoulder and white-hot light surged through me. My back arched and then nothing, just a blackness that made me forget about Micah and Jaime and the stupid word friend.

Chapter 17

The first thing I noticed was the quiet. Not silence, but an absence of the music and noise I remembered from before I’d blacked out. The pounding came next and I lifted a hand to my head and grazed a painfully swollen lump on the side of my head.

“Hey.”

My eyes slowly opened and Chloe’s face filled my view. “What happened?”

“You might have bumped your head when you fell.”

“I think she figured that out already,” Phoebe snarked behind her. “What she wants to know is that Micah went totally nuclear with his crazy ass emotions and you passed out. Again.”

I sat up slowly to avoid triggering any nausea. The room was empty except for the three of us and an overwhelming scattering of cans, cups, and other random trash across the floor. “Is the party over?”

“Uh, yeah.” Phoebe gave me her ‘are you crazy’ eyes. “You were like dead to the world, so we kicked everyone out. Luckily they all think you just can’t hold your booze and were totally smashed.”

“Lucky.” If my head weren’t threatening to split open, I might have laughed at Phoebe’s strange optimistic view.

“Well, at least they’re not adding to the Matlin freak rumors. Could you imagine what they’d be saying if they knew you were doing weird shit on Halloween? It’s bad enough Andrew still brings up the zombie dog story every year.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s you bringing it up,” Chloe glared at Phoebe. Not that it mattered. The story of me healing Andrew’s dog after it was hit by a car had morphed almost instantly into me bringing it back from the dead and six years later, nearly everyone who knew us had heard it. Some believed it more than others.

I struggled to stand and Chloe reached over hesitantly to help me. Her concern pulsed through the touch and I didn’t have the heart to push it back. Instead, I let it flow freely and it vanished almost instantly.

“Everyone’s gone, huh?” I asked, avoiding Phoebe’s gaze because I was sure she knew by everyone I meant Micah.

“Yeah. He took off with the blonde that showed up.” So nice of her not to break it to me gently. “Chloe also kicked Nathan out.”

Disappointment radiated from her.

“Oh, Phoebs...I’m so sorry. I know you’ve been so excited about tonight.”

“Not your fault,” she said and shot Chloe a snarky face. “Just another example of Chloe getting her visions wrong again.”

“Oh, please.” Chloe rolled her eyes. “Do you seriously think I would tell you when you and Nathan were finally gonna do it? And that you were gonna tell me all about it? I told you that so I could watch you squirm. I can’t believe you actually fell for it.”

I managed to get between them before Phoebe could get in a hit. She sulked back and I glared at Chloe as I sank back onto the cool leather couch.

“Can we just not argue for a moment?” I pleaded.

“Fine,” Phoebe pouted. “Then you can tell us what happened with Micah.”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Liar.”

My eyes snapped toward Phoebe. I didn’t know if I was lying. I tried to remember what had happened when Micah had touched me. There had been a blinding whiteness and I’d felt something. Not his pain or even my own. It had been peace and hope. For just that moment, I had felt everything positive that Micah had inside of him, that I had inside of myself.

Nanna was right about him being a buffer and pushing my own gift back on me. But if he was, then why was I still hurting from the way he’d so easily shoved me back into the category of friend the second Jaime showed up?

“I’m not lying, Phoebs,” I finally said.

“Maybe not, but I know you’re not telling us the whole truth.”

“I don’t know what the whole truth is.” I stared at her, hoping to convince her I was being honest.

“Who was the blonde?” Chloe asked, breaking into the staring contest Phoebe and I had going on.

“Jaime. She’s Hannah’s mom,” I added when Chloe arched a brow at me. It was so easy to forget that they knew so much less about Micah’s life than I did.

“I thought she was out of the picture? It would have been nice if he hadn’t invited her to your birthday party.” Phoebe propped her hands on her hips.

Chloe came and sat beside me, placing a comforting arm over my shoulder while glaring at our sister. “Knock it off, Phoebe.”

“He didn’t know she was coming. She...” I pursed my lips, and resisted the urge to shrug off Chloe’s comforting embrace. It would hurt her feelings. “She’s really pretty.”

“Who the hell cares what she looks like? One second he’s kissing you and the next he’s back with her?”

“It wasn’t like that,” I told Phoebe, wishing I were able to explain what it was like. “I knew exactly where I stood with Micah and it’s my own fault for not sticking to what I’d told him.”

Phoebe opened her mouth to argue, but Chloe held up a hand to stop her. “Just let it go, Phoebs. Lily doesn’t need to hear all this crap.”

I looked at Phoebe and Chloe wishing I had even an ounce of the assurance they had in their lives. Phoebe was with Nathan and didn’t doubt their relationship in the slightest. Chloe might not have that, but she knew what was in store for her future.

“Can you check Micah’s future?” I asked Chloe. She and Phoebe looked at me with confusion.

“Lils, are you sure you want me to do that?”

“Yes.” I had to know if Nanna was right, that Chloe and Phoebe’s gifts wouldn’t work on him either.

“Okay.” She nodded and then closed her eyes. A moment later, she opened them. “I must be too far away. Is there anything of his here? Or something he touched?”

I held out my arm, rolling my eyes at Phoebe’s sound of disgust. “He touched my costume, Phoebs. Get over it.”

Chloe reached out and laid her fingers lightly against the spandex, not pressing deep enough for my own future to override Micah’s. Phoebe and I watched as Chloe’s face wrinkled in concentration. Finally, she lifted her hand, quickly balling it into a fist, but not before I noticed the slight tremble.

“I don’t see anything. Not like he’s dead or anything, just that something won’t let me see.”

“He’s a buffer,” I said, nodding at the confirmation of what I already knew. “Nanna told me he’s somehow able to block us from using our gifts on him. Or at least he is most of the time. It’s why I’ve been passing out after healing him. When he finally lets me through to transfer he doesn’t just send me his emotions, he also pushes my own back on me.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Phoebe sank onto the couch beside me.

“It means that he has the potential to make me heal myself.” I gave a short, humorless laugh. “I’ve experienced it before. Kind of a vague, calm feeling. I just didn’t know what it meant.”

There were so many conflicting emotions packed inside of me. I wanted to be furious with Micah, with Jaime, even with myself. Instead, I just felt sad about what could have been and embarrassed by my willingness to throw away my common sense. I’d known Micah wasn’t completely over Jaime. I knew there had been hope within him that she would realize one day how much she loved him and Hannah. I also knew that I had wanted more than to be a substitute.

Pushing up from the couch, I said, “Can one of you drive me home? I really just want to sleep in my own bed.”

Since Chloe had been dropped off by Nadine, that left Phoebe’s car. There was no way Tonya wanted to be left alone with Chloe, even if they were on opposite sides of the house, so Phoebe drove us all home.

I took a long shower then went to my room and laid down on the bed in the dark. Dylan’s star was glowing and I stared at it until it blurred at the edges and I was forced to blink. There was a gentle knock at my door and it opened to reveal Chloe.

She padded over to the side of the bed and crawled on top of the covers with me. Together we stared at Dylan’s star.

“I see so much of what is coming, but I can’t do anything to change it,” she whispered, sorrow filling her voice. I didn’t touch her, nor did she reach for me. This was one of those moments Owen was talking about. “I have this stupid gift to see the future, but what good is it if I can’t stop people from getting hurt?”

I thought about her words and how closely our gifts were related. She could see what would hurt people and I could take that hurt away. In the end neither is enough.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to stop it all.” I took in a deep breath. “I tried to take away Dylan’s pain so many times. Maybe that’s why you didn’t see what he was going to do. Maybe it changed what his future could have been.”

“Lils, you used your gift to try to help him. That can’t be wrong.”

“Yes, it can.” I rolled my head to the side to look at her. “A person can’t truly heal if they never reach the end of their suffering. Every time I healed Dylan, it must have been as if the pain started fresh all over again. Think of how long it took Dad to get over Mom. We were eleven before he even went out on a date.”

“I’ve never felt worse after you heal me.”

“You’ve never felt the depth of despair they did. I knew Dylan needed more help than I could give, but each transfer was just enough to get him through until the next one. Then I just stopped.”

“You’re not to blame for what he did, Lils.”

“I know, but there’s always gonna be a part of me questioning if I could have done something differently. Helped him just a little more. And if that’s why you didn’t see his future. My choice may have changed it.”

“Your choices have never changed the future.”

“No? What about last New Year’s? When you said Tonya and Phoebe would be in an accident? But instead she took me home?”

Her face closed up, and I knew it hurt her to have me bring that up. Her gift had always been so black and white. There was no changing it, and to have not just one or two minor differences between what she saw and what happened, but the death of Dylan as well would be hard to accept.

“I’ll always wonder if I could have helped someone more, taken away just a bit more of their suffering. Just like you’re always gonna wonder what if you could change the future.”

“You can’t change the future. Not the future I see.” Chloe rolled off the bed and I pushed into a sitting position.

“But you don’t see all of the future, Chloe,” I said and she stopped in the doorway but didn’t turn back. “And maybe what you’re not seeing is stronger than what you do.”

She marched down the hall and I heard the click of her bedroom door shutting. Even though she didn’t slam the door like Phoebe would have, I could feel the heat of her hurt and anger over my words. A few weeks ago, I would have followed her and taken those feelings away. Instead, I rose from the bed and swung my door closed, then curled up in the chair in front of my laptop.

Saturday and Sunday were lazy days. I curled up on the sofa and read, while Phoebe vegged with me watching her zombie show. She did go out at one point when Nathan got off work, but even then I didn’t move. She was worried that I was moping, but I wasn’t. I was just completely exhausted from the roller coaster my life had become. Two years ago, I thought my life would be so different. Chloe thought I was dwelling on what had happened with Micah, but I wasn’t doing that either. It felt like that ship had sailed more than once. It was never going to happen and that was that.

Monday morning, I dealt with a multitude of jokes that poked me for being a sloppy drunk, which I suppose was better than being a freak. Micah was a no show for morning classes, but he walked into English class a few minutes after the bell. Ms. Garcia eyed him a moment before continuing her lesson. I didn’t let myself consider where he’d been or why he was looking so haggard. Focusing on going through the motions, I used all of my energy to ignore him.

For the entire week, I managed to ignore whatever was wrong with him. It was much easier now that I was learning to control my physical reactions to people’s emotions. Other than at the party, most of my practice had been on Phoebe. She’d been so freaked out about having her first time with Nathan and then having it crumble around her. Even though I could feel the frustration, and even resentment toward me for ruining her big night, underneath it her love for Nathan pulsed.

The first time I’d tried something she’d been on the phone with him, arguing about him working every afternoon and that it was cutting into their ‘study’ time. The normal burning built slowly in my fingers, creeping up through my palms and then wrapping around my wrists. I mentally pushed it back and tried to find something inside of her that wasn’t angry. It was easy to find her love for him and the excitement she felt being with him. She ended the call by apologizing to him, which may have surprised her more than Nathan.

Each time after became easier. The burning that had been a constant for my entire life faded and it wasn’t until then that I realized just how much my gift had dominated me. For the first time ever I could sit on the couch with my sisters and not squirm under the heat of their raging emotions.

I felt...I felt like myself.

Friday afternoon I sat outside under my tree to eat lunch. The weather was cooler now that fall was in full swing, but I was hesitant to give up my spot. It was still my little sanctuary away from the world and even with memories of Dylan lingering, I found it wasn’t a sad place. Just peaceful.