Heartbreak Ranch (19 page)

Graysen get a grip! Focus.
Her inner monologue scolded her for waxing poetic about a stupid bed. She wasn’t Goldilocks for heaven’s sake and this was certainly not a fairy tale. She had more important things to think about—like sneaking out of the cabin in the dead of the night, for one thing. She tiptoed out of the cabin, unaware of the hour. It must have been quite late. Most of the lights were out. The lodge stood still and dark. Neither the time nor the dark deterred her. The half-moon illuminated the ranch well enough for her to find the creek that flowed behind the guest cabins. She had snuck off to Colt’s cabin so many times; she could probably find it with her eyes closed.

Her heart sank when she reached his cabin. It was dark. She wasn’t sure why she expected to see his lights on. At this late hour, he was probably fast asleep and it would make perfect sense for the place to be dark. She didn’t give much thought to disturbing his slumber. He would have to wake up and listen to what she had to say. He had to listen, she thought. The guilt of her actions ate away at her as she stepped onto his porch.

The steps to his porch groaned, fracturing the silence of the Wyoming night. Nervously she walked to the door. She pushed through her fear because she didn’t want to leave things as she had the other night. Her heart beat wildly as she pounded on his door. She waited for some signs of life from the cabin, then knocked again, more forcefully this time.

“Colt, are you there?” she called out loudly as she pounded on the door a third time. “Colt, I want to talk to you! Please open the door.”
Does he not want to see me? Is he purposely ignoring me after what I said?
Her stomach lurched at the idea that he might be avoiding her.

Throwing all semblance of being rational to the wind, she ran around to the side of the house where his bedroom window sat. The curtains were drawn. She rapped on the window.

“I didn’t mean it, Colt! I didn’t mean what I said!” Graysen cried into the lonely night. She continued to tap at his window until her knuckles hurt and tears ran down her face. He wasn’t there. Defeated, she climbed back onto his porch and sat down on the pile of logs next to his front door, pulling her knees up to her chest so she could lay her head on them. With a sliver of hope, she reached up and tried the door knob, but the door was locked shut. Where could he be at this time of night?

Graysen glanced upward at the sky and noticed the moon had become clothed in clouds, and she couldn’t see the stars any longer. Dark clouds billowed, and it looked like tomorrow would bring rain. Who was she kidding? It was already raining.

***

Emptiness. That is all Graysen saw as her father drove her through the ranch and back to their cabin the following day. They were returning from the sheriff’s office in town. A light rain danced on the windshield as she stared blankly out at the place that had turned from an open western retreat into a dry, barren prison that would always keep her heart captive.

She couldn’t even find a bit of happiness in the fact that Brady would more than likely be charged for the crimes he committed. The Edmistons were an influential family in this part of Wyoming, and close friends with the district attorney. She didn’t care what happened to Brady. She was numb.

Numb from how her life had unraveled like so many loose yarns of an ill-fitting sweater. The pain was such that she didn’t want to admit it. She had somehow escaped from her body and now watched as though her life was one of those terrible romantic comedies, although not nearly as funny. All that was missing was a box of tissues, chocolate candy, and some popped corn. If she could have changed the channel, she would have. As it was, it was her script, and she was replaying it as they turned into the ranch. They drove past the corral where she had first caught a glimpse of Colt, trying to break that stallion. That first night she had said she hadn’t been more miserable in her whole life. She soon found out just how miserable she could be as she relived the memories of the past two weeks.

Although she felt more dejected today, she also was more rational. The more time passed, the more the fact that she and Colt were done sank in. That rational part of her realized Colt was right. The only thing she could actually be angry about was the position she allowed herself to get into. There was no way to make it work and the worst part of it all was that she had known that it would never work from the beginning. Graysen’s throat clogged with emotion. In her heart, she knew it would end badly, but that didn’t seem to matter a bit to her heart. She fell quickly into his arms, into his bed, and into his heart.

While her heart wrestled with the pain of accepting it was over, her head tried to solve another matter: was she going to see Colt again before she left for good? She still wanted to apologize, but that could always be done in a letter. God, how could she think of sending him a cold, impersonal apology in the mail? That would be cruel. Besides, there was a part of her that needed to see him for selfish reasons. She wanted to indulge in one last image of him. A memory she could carry in her heart forever. Graysen resolved that she would go to him again that night. If Colt wasn’t at the cabin, well then, it wasn’t meant to be.

When they returned to their cabin, there was still a considerable amount of the afternoon left. The family spent the hours before dinner by packing and enjoying some quiet time in the cabin. They were leaving early the next morning and decided it would be good to relax before the long road trip. Graysen’s family was being more attentive than usual. They knew she was heartbroken and miserable, both from what happened with Brady and the fact that she was leaving something behind: a part of her she would never get back.

Her father brought up the idea of leaving that afternoon, but Graysen wouldn’t hear of it. She couldn’t figure out why she didn’t leap at the chance to get away from there. Perhaps she had a masochistic bent, wanting to draw out the torment the ranch continued to inflict on her. She didn’t even pack. She couldn’t bring herself to put things back in the suitcase. A part of her clung to a small thread of hope that she would wake from this nightmare and find herself back in Colt’s arms.

***

There was still an hour before the lodge would begin serving meals for the evening, so Graysen settled for reading a book on her bed to take her mind off of things.

Carson’s voice traveled into her room from the doorway. “Graysen? Can we talk?”

This was the third time he’d tried talking to her that day. Dealing with her older brother was the last thing she wanted to do today. He had been patient and given her space for most of the day, but apparently he was done tiptoeing around. He shut the door to the bedroom and walked toward her. Harper and their parents were in the other room playing cards. Graysen ignored him.

The bed sank a little as he sat down behind her.

“Graysen, c’mon, we can’t leave things like this, we’re family,” he said softly.

Graysen snorted and continued reading the same paragraph she had started three times in a row. She bristled thinking of Carson’s behavior last night.

Apparently stubborn streaks were a family trait. Carson continued even after she made it clear she wasn’t interested, but this time with regret in his tone.

“Gray, when Dad came into the lodge that night and told me what happened, I lost it,” his voice cracked. “I was so worried for you, Graysen. I’ve been worried about you the entire trip, and that moment, it was the last straw, I couldn’t keep it in any longer.”

She pretended not to listen. She flipped to an unread page in her book to keep the act going. After making him suffer a few minutes longer, she decided if she wanted to convince him she wasn’t still a child who needed his protection, she should stop acting like one.

“Carson, you worry too much. I’m not in pigtails any longer, and Colt is not Tommy Hanlon from Miss Longnecker’s fourth grade class who you can shove into the dirt after he dumps chocolate pudding on my new dress.”

“You’re right; this is much more serious ...” Carson furrowed his brow as he talked.

“You can’t just come to my rescue whenever you want. You have to let me fight my own battles!” She was getting angry. “I know you are concerned, but you have to let me live my own life!”

“I didn’t want to see you get hurt. I didn’t want you to go through what I did!”

Carson was talking about his ex-fiancé, and suddenly she understood why Carson was so protective of her. He knew what she was going through, and he wanted to shield her from that kind of heartache.

“Carson, not even you were able to prevent that. It’s something I would go through sooner or later. If it wasn’t Colt, it would be someone else.” She turned back around, dismissing him.

Carson rose from the bed and walked toward the door. His voice was apologetic. “Gray, the only thing I can tell you is that with time it will get better. Sounds trite I know, but it is the truth. The pain doesn’t last forever.” Carson opened the door and left her to her thoughts.

***

That evening Graysen walked to the barn in the light mist of rain, listening to the guests making their way to the lodge for the typical evening of dancing and drinking. It seemed odd that everyone was acting so normally, but she reminded herself that she was the only one who felt as though the world had ended.

Her original plans involved going to Colt’s cabin to try to see him, but she changed her mind. There was one other thing she wanted to do before she left the ranch. Like most nights after dinner, the barn was deserted, just as she knew it would be. As she walked through the dimly lit stables, she tried not to be overcome with emotion. Everywhere she looked Colt was there. Everything in that place held a memory for her. She ran her hands along the saddle that hung on the wall. It was the one they used when Colt rode with her. There was the jet-black mustang with the cute name. There was the empty stall with the broken door, where he’d kissed her for the first time.

Slowly, she walked down the narrow corridor of the barn that housed the horse stalls, and noticed one of the gates was slightly ajar. She hesitated. Funny it should be
that
one, the one she tended to visit whenever she happened to come to this place with Colt ... And it was the one she intended to visit now. She couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to her. Quietly, she walked into the stall and moved closer to where the foal lay. Graysen thought the injured horse seemed to recognize her. The foal glanced up at her and shuffled a bit before Graysen sat down beside her. She gently stroked her head.

“I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself,” she whispered. “I suppose that’s a bit selfish of me, isn’t it? I’m not the one who has a broken leg threatening my very life.” She paused in contemplation. “We’re actually quite similar. I’m broken now too, and right now I would gladly take a broken leg over my broken heart. The leg would mend, I feel as though my heart never will.”

The foal seemed to understand, and she gently nuzzled Graysen’s hand as though she were trying to comfort her. “I love him, I am sure of that now.” She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The horse probably knew she was in love with Colt before she did. Graysen continued her one-sided conversation with the foal, becoming more forlorn as she spoke. “I don’t know how to be
me
anymore; at least not the person I thought I was before all of this. That’s love, isn’t it? When someone changes the way you look at yourself, when you become the person you are meant to be and you realize you can’t return to your past life?”

Graysen broke down and wept quietly. “I wish I knew how to fall out of this. Falling for him was easy. Why can’t leaving him be just as easy?” She wondered if she would be able to define herself by anything other than this experience ever again. She felt pathetic pouring her heart out to a crippled horse, yet it didn’t seem to matter. Trying to steady her voice, she turned her attention back to the foal. “But look at you.” She bowed her head, almost as if she were praying, and turned to the young foal, who was gazing up at her with sad eyes. “You seem weak ...” she murmured as tears silently traced the tear-stained path her earlier emotions mapped out. “Will you ever run through the pastures again or feel the warmth of the sun on your beautiful mane?”

She hadn’t heard hear anyone come in, but as she talked to the foal, a shadow fell across the floor, cast by the soft lanterns that lined the stable walls. She glanced up through her tears. There he stood, leaning against the open door, the man she was weeping over. Graysen rubbed her eyes in disbelief. She thought for a moment that he was a figment of her grief-addled mind. She became anxious when she rubbed her eyes a second time and he didn’t disappear.

How much has he heard?
Graysen’s inner monologue chided her for bearing her soul, even if it was just to a horse.

Colt looked as terrible as Graysen felt. There was a day’s growth of stubble along his jawline. His clothes were disheveled. His unruly hair poked out in all directions under his Stetson. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He didn’t say anything, but just stood there, staring at her. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He didn’t look down, or upset, or angry.

Softly, doing her best to keep her voice steady, she asked, “Have you come to say goodbye?” If only she could have forced herself to look away from him, but she wasn’t able to. She wanted to torture herself a bit longer.

“Goodbye?” He looked puzzled. “Graysen, I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” his soft voice caressed her.

“Well, I guess you found me.” A moment passed, and he still made no move.

“Graysen, the foal is not weak, she’s very strong.” He broke the silence, passion igniting in his deep voice.

Her eyes widened in surprise. “Oh God, how much did you hear?” She looked down, away from his gaze, and her tears began to flow once more.

“No, Graysen, no!” His voice was harsh, as he walked over to her and got down on his knees in front of her. His hands cupped her face and pulled her gaze up so he could look into her eyes. The fire in his green eyes overwhelmed her.