He’d been trying to figure out how to follow her without looking like the stalker he was when he saw it.
The hair thingy. On the floor…where it had fallen during her nap. Sweet opportunity.
Within five minutes, Pamela had her hair thingy back in place and Jared had her phone number.
When they kissed on the first date, it crossed his mind she might be a virgin. On date number two, she sort of whipped his ass in a heated debate about the application of ethics in law enforcement and the military. On their third outing, she misplaced her cell phone, and they spent a panicky hour retracing their steps. Eventually, Jared found it stuffed in the makeup bag she’d left in his car after freshening her lip gloss earlier that evening. He remembered the lip gloss part because her primping had given him a serious woody.
On the fourth date, she admitted to being a virgin. Her confession terrified him so much he had almost reconsidered a fifth date. But by then it was too late.
He figured the gods were still laughing their asses off at the irony of it: a strong-willed Dominant falling head over heels for a wide-eyed virgin who wielded a pink cell phone as she scolded hard-assed attorneys whenever they called her in a screaming panic about some misplaced file or loose end.
He never tired of her unique perspective on everything. Pam was a midlife baby, the only child of a feminist hippie who had raised her alone. Although wise beyond her years, she remained quite innocent in some aspects. An intellectually stimulating yet sheltered upbringing had instilled in her an extraordinary mixture of worldly sophistication and naïveté that continually fascinated him.
He had given up BDSM for her, convinced she would run for the hills if she found out about his dark desires. As far as Jared was concerned, it was a trade-off. Fair and square. Better to deny those needs than lose her. Now, as he watched the snowfall intensify, he concluded that it boiled down to two possibilities. Either he hadn’t made his feelings clear or she simply didn’t give a shit anymore.
He’d bet Aunt Chloe’s inheritance money it was the former. If Pamela didn’t care, she would’ve let on. She was too honorable to string him along. He’d witnessed her unflinching honesty too many times to think otherwise.
To the best of his knowledge, the closest she’d ever come to lying was this assignation with Shuttleworth. He had a hunch Pam would never have accepted a date with that asshole unless she was desperate.
But for what? Attention? Payback? In the six months they’d been together, she’d never shown any signs of such pettiness.
He gripped the steering wheel. Six months.
Somehow that sounded important. Significant. Jared paused a moment, struggling mightily to grasp a dim realization that kept flickering in and out of his consciousness.
He tried again. Pam out of control. Angry. Suddenly. Six months.
Then an epiphany.
Anniversary.
Fuckup number three.
Jared laid out a mental list. He’d started neglecting her soon after taking her virginity—which had to be an important event for a woman like her. Just as their relationship reached a higher level of intimacy, his workload at Marlowe Security had increased. And instead of delegating some of those responsibilities to others, he allowed himself to become consumed with them.
Now he realized why. It had provided a convenient excuse. Although strenuous and time-consuming, such tasks were predictable and easy to manage.
Unlike Pam and his growing feelings for her. Not so easy to predict or manage.
He had never felt like this about any other woman. Not even close. Worse, he had no control over any of it. None.
It was both exhilarating and terrifying—to the point that it had almost paralyzed him in recent weeks. He realized now certain milestones—including her introduction to sex and their growing intimacy—hadn’t received the proper recognition or attention they deserved. Instead of sex bringing depth to their relationship, the opposite had occurred because he allowed his ambition and nerves to get in the way.
Then he’d disregarded her quiet resentment when he spent his time and energy on everything but her. Knowing Pam, she was too proud to ask for something she felt should be given without reserve or prodding. So, instead of complaining, she had suffered in silence.
To her, these past few weeks must have felt like a physical and emotional abandonment.
Shit.
He should’ve known better. To him, indifference was the antithesis of love. It was rooted in the failure to act when action was needed. Love was about making an effort for another person. Showing was better than telling because in the end, it came down to deeds, not words.
And so far, his actions were those of a man backing off at a crucial turning point in his relationship.
Pam had sensed this and called him on it.
The time had come to either advance or retreat. To court risk or fade away into safety. There were no half measures with Pam. It was one or the other.
They reached his apartment complex. Jared parked the car in his reserved spot and shut off the engine. Pam didn’t budge, so he took a brief moment to reflect.
Every true Dominant spent enormous amounts of time and energy caring for the physical and emotional needs of his submissive partner. In his opinion, this instinct for taking care of others was embedded in the DNA of all strong men—and perhaps this trait was a bit more pronounced in guys like him.
So why had he not taken care of her? Why had he become so withdrawn? He hated to think he had given more attention to past relationships, both vanilla and BDSM, than the one that mattered most.
The answer came to him in a flash.
Sex.
Of course. Since he was not a BDSM lifestyler, his Dominant side revealed itself largely in the bedroom. And now that he and Pam were having sex, it would be increasingly difficult to hide it from her.
Not that he wanted to do that anymore—since the closer he got to her, the more he wanted to reveal everything. Nevertheless, out of pure habit, he backed off to ensure his secret remained undiscovered.
Stupid, contradictory behavior.
Clearly, if their relationship was going to move forward, his sexual preference was one of several secrets he needed to disclose. No more hiding. A shudder of self-disgust shot through him. He never thought he’d see the day when he’d have to tell himself to man up and face an issue.
What had happened to him? By burying his true self, had he also buried his best self? By shielding Pamela from his Dominant side, had he lost his bearings altogether?
Jared’s voice broke the frosty silence. “I forgot our six-month anniversary. I’ve become distant and haven’t taken care of your needs. I’m sorry, Pamela.”
She turned toward him. The hurt etched on her face sliced through him like a dagger. At that moment, he couldn’t help but notice her eyes looked more violet than gray.
Jared continued, “I promise that everything will change from now on. I’ll be more attentive and give our relationship the time and effort it deserves.”
Her chin trembled, but she remained silent, listening.
“And I will be more up-front about my thoughts and feelings,” Jared pledged. “Is this what you want…what you need?”
She gave him a tremulous smile and nodded.
“Then you’ve got it. And Pam?”
“Yes, Jared?” she responded breathlessly.
“If you ever pull a stunt like this again, I will paddle your ass so hard and so long, you won’t be able to sit down for a week.”
Chapter Two
Pamela blinked. She must have misunderstood. Had her sweet-tempered, sensitive boyfriend said he would spank her if she misbehaved? Like he meant it? She gave Jared a quizzical look, opened her mouth to speak, then shut it.
Yes, he’d said it, all right.
The firm set of his mouth did not inspire confidence, but Pamela managed to find her voice anyway. “Really, Jared. I know I did something stupid tonight, but you shouldn’t say things you don’t mean. Crazy, violent things.” She shivered, twisting away from him.
Jared reached over. Taking hold of her chin with gentle fingers, he tilted her face up. “Don’t turn away from me, Pamela.”
She paused. The tone of his voice seemed different somehow. Oh, it was as mellow and cultured as ever, but a curious undertone had crept in.
Steely, she thought. That’s the word.
Jared continued, his hand still cupping her chin. “First, don’t try to downplay what you did tonight. I just found you in the company of another man, with whom you were having dinner without my knowledge. Although our relationship is monogamous, you were on a date, dressed in provocative clothing that broadcast your sexual availability to someone besides me. In my world, that’s called cheating.”
Pam’s insides quivered at the harsh truth of his words, delivered in a calm, matter-of-fact tone. “But we didn’t do anything, Jared. And I had no plans to,” she protested.
“Perhaps not. But that isn’t the point. You went on a romantic date with another man behind my back.” He pulled away and unbuckled his seat belt. “We’re not having this conversation here.”
Jared got out and strode to the passenger side.
When he opened the door and offered her a hand, Pamela managed to exit the car with some measure of grace. They rode the elevator to his apartment in silence.
Jared allowed her to precede him into his condo. Pamela stepped into the living room, glad to be revisiting the familiar space. It was pure Jared, all warm tones and polished leather. She turned to him, the first genuine smile of the night lighting her face. “I almost forgot what your place looks like. I really miss it.”
A shadow of regret crossed his features. “That won’t be the case in the future. Expect to be here more often. Starting with this weekend.”
Pam felt a rush of relief at his words. He wasn’t freaking out. He wasn’t going to dump her. Jared was so good and forgiving. She probably didn’t deserve him.
She resolved to do better.
After hanging up her coat, he strolled to the small bar next to the balcony doors. “The usual?” At her nod, he opened a bottle of Chardonnay.
Pam settled onto the sofa and trailed her fingers over the buttery leather. She’d always admired Jared’s tasteful furnishings, so different from her bargain-basement crap. For the millionth time, she wondered where he, an entrepreneur with a fledgling business, had gotten the cash to afford this luxurious apartment. She’d never asked, feeling it was rude, not to mention tacky.
As he poured sparkling water into her wine, Jared spoke again. “Are there any errands or chores you need to attend to? Laundry? Shopping?”
Pamela considered for a moment. “Believe it or not, no. You’ll be glad to know I’m sticking to my New Year’s resolutions. No more procrastinating or absentmindedness. I even remembered to bring my sugar monitor, which is in my purse. All’s well in my little corner of the world.”
Jared nodded, looking pleased. “Good. Then you’ll be staying with me until Sunday night when I drive you home.”
At that, Pam laughed. “But Jared! How about clothes?”
He shrugged. “You won’t be needing any for what I’ve got planned.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Then she giggled. He was such a tease. “Seriously,” she insisted. “What if I get cold?”
An arrogant brow rose. Those espresso eyes slid over her from head to toe, not missing a thing. “Don’t worry, I plan to keep you warm and covered the entire time.”
He was so naughty. “Promises, promises,” she flung back, enjoying their flirtation.
Jared sauntered over with his scotch and soda and her wine spritzer. Pam scooted over to give him room, but he was having none of it. After setting their drinks on the coffee table, he slid one arm around her waist and another under her knees, then lifted her onto his lap as if she weighed nothing.
“Oh!” She gave a startled gasp, placing a steadying hand on his sturdy chest. His heartbeat was a rapid tattoo under her fingers. So Mr. Cool and Collected was as affected by her as she was by him. Pam couldn’t help but smile—his obvious desire made her feel feminine and beautiful.
She squirmed around his lap, trying to shift away from something hard and unyielding digging into her butt. At Jared’s warning hiss, she stopped fidgeting.
It took a moment to register. Dear God, she was an idiot. It wasn’t like she was a blushing virgin anymore. Duh. He had a hard-on and she wasn’t making things any easier for him.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. Unable to contain her curiosity, though, she reached under and palmed his erection. Jared groaned while Pam pursed her lips. “Hmm. I know it’s only been four or five times, but I don’t remember you being this damned hard. It’s like sitting on a length of pipe.”
Jared barked out a laugh and leaned his head on the back of the sofa. He let out a weary sigh. “What am I going to do with you, Pam?” he asked the ceiling.
“Just sayin’,” she muttered.
Jared’s shoulders shook a little. Finally, he lifted his head, a huge grin softening his stern features. “It’s quite normal for a man to get rock hard when a beautiful, scantily clad woman sits on his lap. Keep wiggling that gorgeous ass of yours on my cock and I’ll come in my pants.”
Pamela stared at him. Well, that was unexpected. Jared never talked dirty. He was always the perfect Southern gentleman. Then it hit her. He never talked like that to
her
, but how about other women? It seemed to have come easily to him just now, and she’d bet her measly paycheck he did it all the time. A jolt of jealousy shot through her at the thought.
Jared tucked her hair behind her ears. “Judging from the numerous emotions crossing your face, you’ve got something to say. I’m almost afraid to ask, but what’s going through that busy little brain of yours?”
“Other women,” she blurted out. At his startled expression, she gathered her racing thoughts before speaking again. “Do you talk dirty with other woman, Jared? I need to know.”
If she had amused him again, he did an excellent job of hiding it. “You mean
did
I talk dirty with other women, right? Past tense.” He sighed again. “Unless you’re trying to trip me up by using the present tense.”