Hidden Barriers (14 page)

“Bye, Josh. Thanks.”

“Anytime, Sam.”

Everyone was driving me up a wall, telling me I needed to talk to someone besides my roommates about my inability to have a physical connection with a guy. I still had no idea why I went crazy when Josh came up behind me at the bowling alley. We were having a good time, and then the minute he touched me without my knowing, I went all RAD on his ass. Flashbacks flooded my mind, and the only thing I saw was Stone.

I needed time to get this nightmare in my head in order. When I disappeared into the ladies’ room away from Josh, I thought about what needed to be done. The only thing I could do was separate myself from him.

I called my mom the next morning from the sanctity of my bedroom, the only place I felt safe from the world. I sat wrapped in a cocoon of blankets at my bedroom window bench and watched as cardinals and chickadees fluttered about in the tree out in the yard. I listened to my mom tell me that it might be time to start talking out my fears from my past. This meant rehashing all my shit with my roommates about what was going on in my head.

Although it was comforting to know my mom would always be there for me if I needed her, she told me I also needed to find a way to tell Josh what happened. The longer I keep him in the dark, the more I will push him away, and unless I want to continue to live my life single and unhappy, I need to do this.

She is right. I need to tell him. I truly do want to have a normal relationship with him, but tiptoeing around him constantly isn’t the way to start off. If he had known the truth upfront, we might not have had the ending to our date like we did.

I’ve spent the past few days talking to Drew, my roommates, and even my lawyer from Dad’s office. With Stone’s parole hearing coming up next week, it’s apparent that is the source of more stress and anxiety in my head.

Drew convinced me of what Mom had already said. I need to talk to Josh. Tell him my thoughts. If I truly want our connection to deepen into something more, I need to open up to him. Face my fears head on, regardless of Stone’s parole outcome. Drew said he would handle working with the lawyers in the Boston office for the next week and keep me informed, but that I needed to live my life.

I have been sitting here wondering how to approach the subject with Josh for a while now. I wasn’t sure he would even speak to me. I told him not to call me, but I never actually thought he would do as I asked. He hasn’t even been in with Nick to Vines, which means either he is moving on or just avoiding me.

The only way to know for sure is to call him. As if the gods above heard my thoughts and took matters into their own hands, my phone begins ringing on my nightstand. Turning off the hypnotizing voices of The Wailin’ Jennys
that’s been on repeat for what seems like hours, I glance at the caller ID and read Josh’s name on the screen.

It’s time to face your fears, Sam. You have to tell him.

After sliding my finger across the screen, I bring the phone to my ear. “Hey.”

We continue to talk briefly before deciding it would be best if he were to stop by the house so I can tell him my story face-to-face. Before hanging up, the words “Anytime, Sam” pass over his lips, and I have to believe there is still hope for us yet.

A little over an hour later, I hear the sounds of tires pulling up in the driveway. Glancing out my bay window, I see Josh making his way to the front door, brown paper bag in hand. Lucy is the only other person home with me tonight, so when the doorbell chimes, I hear her yell, “I got it!”

The other two girls are at derby practice. Lucy and I have the night off since we are on the “B” team. Kim and Rose secured their places on the all-star team last year, and they train more since they are part of the traveling derby team that competes nationally. Usually on these nights when it’s just Lucy and me, we find some chick flick and order Chinese while she does my hair in some crazy updo.

Tonight is not one of those nights. After I told the girls about my situation with Stone’s parole and everything that happened with Josh, they understood I needed to get my crap together, and I had to work quickly, too. Opening day for roller derby was in a couple of weeks.

I hear a brief commotion coming from downstairs before footsteps on the stairs announce Josh’s arrival. Standing in my doorway, he takes in my room before his eyes seek out mine. As he takes a few steps inside the room, I watch as he slowly places the brown bag of liquor onto the bureau next to the bedroom door before taking off his jacket. He looks freshly showered, and his hair appears slightly wet. It’s not my place to ask where he was coming from when he called. All that matters is that he called, and he’s here now.

“Hey, can I come in?” he asks as he slowly makes his way over to my window bench where I’ve been sitting contemplating the words that need to be said. I nod silently in approval as he stands just feet away from me.

“I’m glad you called. I hope I didn’t interrupt your plans for the night,” I say, standing and tossing my blankets back behind me.

“No, I was just heading home anyway,” he admits as he sits on the opposite end of the window bench.

Walking toward my closet, I pull out a fleece pullover before grabbing the Jack and walking over to the window. I sit opposite of Josh and pull my feet underneath me while the Jack sits on the floor next to me. “Josh, I feel as though I need to apologize for my actions the other night. I should have never let you leave like that, not knowing…” How do I even form this explanation? Reaching out his hands, he cautiously links his fingers over my hand. “See, this is what I mean. You shouldn’t have to be so worried about touching me or wondering how I’m going to react, whether I’ll freak out, or if I’ll be okay like I was in your bedroom that night we first kissed. I have to try harder to get past things, but you have to know how I feel about you before I tell you what I need to. Because once I tell you my story, you may not want to hear anything more from me.”

“Sam.” He slowly runs his hands along my arms. “Whatever you need to tell me, I’ll listen. However you feel about me, you have to understand first and foremost, that you are on my mind so much these days, I find it hard to think about anything else. I only hope that you feel the same about me. I’m willing to get to know you, and if you say the word, I’ll be yours and only yours. I’ll help you work through whatever continues to trouble you, but you can’t keep backing away from me. Understood?”

“I know. Truly I know,” I say as I reach out to rest my palm against his warm cheek. “I want you and me without any doubt. I mean, look at you. Any girl would be out of her mind to not want you. Shit, I’m shocked Lucy wasn’t humping your leg once you walked through the door.” I chuckle at the thought because she probably would, since she’s our resident female horn dog.

Reaching up to place his hand over mine on his face, Josh whispers, “It’s not Lucy I want. I want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted another living soul, and it’s so fucked up because I’ve only just met you. But, for some unknown reason, I can’t help but think we were destined to meet that night in the hospital.”

“I know. I sometimes feel the same thing, but I’m sure you’ve already figured out I have something else that can hinder us being together. When I tell you, I need you to let me tell you everything without you interrupting me. I need you to promise me that much.”

“I promise, Sam, but I’m getting a little nervous now.”

“That’s exactly why I asked you to bring this little guy,” I say, picking up the bottle of Jack and shaking it in the air. “You better crack him open. We’re both gonna need it.”

Sam continues to pour the shots of Jack into the glasses I pulled from my coat pocket. Lucy handed them to me when she saw the brown paper bag I carried in. It was almost as though she knew what Sam needed to tell me. When Sam is done pouring, she hands me my glass and raises hers in the air before slamming it back.

“There aren’t many people who know my story, but everyone keeps telling me it’s time to move on. It’s going to take every ounce of this bottle of Jack for me to get this out. If you and I are going to move forward in any kind of relationship, even if it’s only just as friends, you need to know why I am the way that I am.”

What the hell happened to her?
I ask myself that question right before she continues to speak as she looks at nothing through her windows for the next hour.

While listening to Sam discuss in vivid detail how her ex-boyfriend all but killed her and how he might be out of jail soon, I am beyond words. I just met her, and yet, I can feel her pain with every word she speaks through tears and shudders. So many times I am tempted to grab her and wrap her in my arms, but can’t. As she retells the final moment before she blacked out and how her own brother was the one to save her, I can’t fathom what would be running through my own mind if that were my sister.

Scratch that. I know exactly what I would do. I’d kill him myself.

I understand so much more now. I realize why Drew is incredibly protective of me dating Sam, and why at the very touch of my body to hers, she’s unable to fully recognize that I’m not one of the bad guys. After two more shots of Jack, I’ve shed as many tears as Sam, and I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her I’ll protect her with all my being.