Hope Over Fear (Over #1) (14 page)

“Run Every Time” by Gavin DeGraw

Three Years Ago – Providence, LA

HOW DID I get here? I painstakingly search for the answer to that question, and I’m unable to come up with anything substantial. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s unanswerable.

I compare my life to an intricate domino display. Each domino plays a part in the demolition: one piece falls into the next, causing that piece to fall into the next and so on. The blame for the destruction lies with each and every piece. Similarly, the blame for my situation lies in every small decision I’ve made, starting with the first time I allowed Mason to kiss me.

It started out with a peck on the forehead, almost like how a parent would kiss a child. Slowly, the forehead kiss began to migrate down my face until he’d moved my hair aside and kissed the curve of my neck. The progression was so incredibly slow it felt ridiculous to protest. How could I tell him to stop kissing my cheek when he’d been kissing my forehead for weeks? How could I demand that he stop kissing my jawline when he’d been kissing my cheek for weeks? One by one, the dominos were tipping over, and all the while I was completely oblivious.

So here I sit, resisting moving in with my boyfriend who I never really made the conscious decision to date—slowly suffocating with the pressure to make the
right
decision. I feel the pressure from Mason, my mom, his parents, and our friends. I can see the sparkle of the engagement ring that will follow closely behind the move-in. I can hear the organ playing “Here Comes the Bride” at our inevitable wedding. I feel the exhaustion that will follow after the birth of our two-point-five kids. And I can’t fucking breathe.

I argue with Mason; I tell him this is happening too soon, that I’m not ready.

“Baby, we spend all of our time together anyway. Why keep paying for two houses when we could be saving that money for a rainy day … or a beautiful sunny day on our honeymoon. I’m just kidding! Don’t look at me like that, Sara, I’m just yanking your chain!”

Mason picks my feet up off the floor and places them in his lap. He begins massaging each foot, making me sigh heavily and close my eyes. He is a master at the art of distraction.

While it may seem like I don’t love Mason, nothing could be further from the truth. I love him dearly, and the thought of hurting him causes me physical pain. He treats me like a princess, he believes in me, he makes me laugh, and he looks like a Greek god. How could I not love him?

But I don’t think it’s enough. Maybe I’m afraid of the commitment because I’m so young. Maybe I resist because everyone tells me we are right for each other, and I’m subconsciously being an obstinate little brat. Maybe I’m worried there’s no way I could find my forever with my first long-term relationship. Or maybe this is all wrong …

I try to explain how I feel to Marlo, and I leave with more questions than answers.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Marlo, but I feel like I’m drowning. Like someone is holding my head under water, and I can’t breathe. I can’t move in with Mase, I just can’t.” I’m searching her eyes frantically for any indication that she understands what I’m going through.

“Easy girl, calm down. Just look at me and take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That’s it, Sara, you got it.” Marlo takes deep breaths with me, and I feel my pulse slowly stabilize. “Thank God. I thought I was going to have to get your crazy ass a paper bag to breathe into!”

“Nice, Marlo, real nice …” I sniff dejectedly.

“What can I say, my compassion knows no bounds. Now, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to take your time and think about your answer. What is it about moving in with Mason that has your panties in such a twist, babe?”

I continue to breathe deeply as I try to find a way explain my objections. I think it’s hard to put into words because I feel like I’m betraying Mason by saying them out loud. I’ve become a master of pushing my doubts to the deep corners of my mind, but I can’t hide from those thoughts after I say them out loud. I give them breath and life once I share them, but I have no choice anymore. I need someone else’s perspective, and Marlo is the least judgmental person I know.

“It’s just another step in a direction that I’m unsure about … what if he’s not the one, Marlo?”

“Then he’s not the one. It’s that simple. But you better be sure before you go blowing shit up. Not everything can be put back together, ya know. Before you do anything rash, let’s talk this out together. Is there something in particular that’s making you feel this way?” she asks.

“Okay. Well, it’s hard to explain. I’ve always thought that when I fell in love, I would be giddy, excited, beside myself with happiness. I just thought it would be different. I love Mason, I really do. But this … relationship … feels so …” I’m searching for a word that escapes me while Marlo impatiently waves her hand to prompt me.

“Spit it out, crazy girl!”

“Civilized! It all feels so fucking civilized! I feel like we have entered into an agreement that is mutually beneficial for the both of us. I’ve entered into a merger of sorts. I don’t want a fucking merger; I want fireworks! I want to feel my stomach drop when he enters the room. I know I sound stupid, but I want butterflies, no matter how cliché that sounds, ya know?”

“Okay, be real with me, Sara. How’s the sex?”

“Um, good, I guess … that’s kind of one of the problems, I think. Mason and I get along great. On paper, we should be the perfect couple. But I don’t feel chemistry between us. Have you ever had fireworks, Marlo? Do they really exist, or am I throwing away a great guy over a ridiculous myth?”

“There was someone, a very long time ago, yes. We couldn’t make it work for reasons I won’t get into, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. I would have done anything to be with him; he changed me. Once you feel like that for someone, everything else pales in comparison.” Marlo looks straight through me, off into the distance, and I feel as though I’m intruding on her memory.

“That’s what I want more than anything. Shouldn’t we all have the chance to experience earth-shattering love? And Mason deserves that kind of love, too. I just don’t think I can be the one to give it to him.”

“Hold on, you’ve only been with one other person besides Mason, and he was that douchebag two-pump chump from freshman year. What about Mason? Has he seen a lot of action?” Marlo raises both of her eyebrows suggestively and gets a little giggle from me.

“He’s been with two people other than me …” I see where Marlo is going with this line of questioning, but I’m afraid she is way off base.

“Maybe y’all need to spice things up. Maybe things have just gotten stale. You need a thong and some handcuffs, girl!”

“I wish you were right, but I don’t think things were ever really fresh, Marlo. Shit, what am I supposed to do? I can’t lose his friendship, but I can’t act is if everything is normal, either. I feel fucking trapped!” The tears well in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Just be sure before you crush Mason’s world, Sara. Don’t do something in haste that you can’t take back. You may have to make him give you the space you need to make the right decision. I’m here for you either way. You know that, right?” Marlo gently squeezes my hand and gives me a supportive smile.

“I know, Marlo, and that’s why I love you.”

As the dominos continue to tumble one by one, I know what I have to do. Marlo’s right, if Mason doesn’t want to give me space to work out my feelings, then I will have to create space on my own.

I shut my eyes tightly as I hit enter on my computer. Several minutes pass before I gain the courage to open my eyes and look at the screen. Fear and excitement are bubbling in my veins as I read the words before me.

Your 16-week travel assignment to Anchorage, Alaska has been confirmed. A representative with All Nurse Staffing will be in contact shortly to discuss travel and living arrangements.

Holy shit, what did I just do?

“Start of Something Good” by Daughtry

MARLO’S EYES REMAIN closed as I rush into the break room and start warming my lunch in the microwave. She’s hunched over the table with her head resting on her arms. I sit down beside her and gently rub her back.

“How ya holding up, babe?”

“I’m hanging in there. It’s just about time to start pushing. We’ve gone over everything, and they’re aware of what’s to come, but are they prepared for this? Hell no. How can anyone ever be prepared for this?”

Marlo’s eyes are filled with exhaustion and compassion. The labor and delivery unit is a place normally bursting with joy and excitement. It’s by far the happiest place in the hospital. However, it has the potential to be the most devastating, too. Marlo’s patient arrived this morning to be induced only to find the baby had no heartbeat. Sometime between her doctor’s appointment and her induction appointment, her baby girl died in the womb—at thirty-nine weeks pregnant.

Fetal demise patient assignments follow a nurse rotation to ensure that the same nurse doesn’t continually receive the assignment. It’s impossible for the nurse to be unaffected by the family’s grief, so it’s important that we all share the load. Oddly enough, Marlo took this assignment tonight out of rotation.

“Marlo, it wasn’t your turn tonight. Why didn’t you let Kim take the assignment?”

“Because the alternative was a laboring methadone patient. You know I don’t do well with drug addicts. It’s hard for me to muster up compassion for them. I’m aware of my weaknesses, and that is a big one for me.”

I nod my head in understanding. It’s important for a nurse to be aware of patients or situations that can become colored by personal experiences and prejudices. To remain professional and always do what’s right for the patient means sometimes taking another assignment. I’m not sure what happened in Marlo’s past that makes drug addicted patients a trigger for her, and she’s made it clear to me several times that she isn’t going to share.

“Don’t think you’re keeping this conversation all about work, Sara Marie Preston. I need a distraction, and I’ve decided it’s your job to do the distracting. Spill. Now.” Marlo’s intense gaze tells me she’s not taking no for an answer.

“What happened to you and Alex last night, anyway? When I came in from outside, y’all were nowhere to be found,” I ask.

“We were going to tell you goodbye, but I peeked out the back door and thought better of it. Things looked like they may be getting a little steamy, and I’m no cockblocker!”

“Cockblocker? Really, Marlo?” I shake my head and giggle. “Okay, so I guess I’ll start off by telling you that Adam and Celia are
not
a couple after all.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I figured that out when you spent the whole dinner giggling like a schoolgirl while Adam whispered sweet nothings in your ear. Tell me something I don’t know!”

After I give her the high points of the night, I wait rather impatiently for her response. “Well, what do you think? Should I go for it?”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Sara? The excitement is rolling off you in waves, girl. My panties are damp just listening to the replay of that kiss. Do you seriously have to ask me if you should go for it?”

“I know, right? But what about the whole kid thing? I’ve never dated someone with children before. How is this going to work?”

“Remember what he said, Sara. He doesn’t want you to meet his kids. Before you start looking all dejected, you have to know that’s about keeping his children safe. It’s not about you … he’s not saying you’re some devil woman who will corrupt his kids. He doesn’t want women floating in and out of their lives. That makes him a damn good dad, if you ask me.” Marlo smirks and raises both of her hands, almost daring me to find fault with her rationale.

“To be honest, I don’t think I could walk away even if I wanted to, Marlo. With just one kiss, this guy has me tied in knots. Hell, he had me in knots before he kissed me! I don’t know if I’ve ever been this … hopeful.”

“Hope is a good thing, baby girl. Hey, you deserve this. Do you hear me? Enjoy it. I hate to be a downer, but what about their mother? Is there a crazy ex in the picture to worry about?”

“I’m not really sure. He hasn’t said anything about their mother, and I don’t want to push. We are way too new for me to start demanding answers. I don’t want to scare him away.”

Our conversation ends abruptly when the break room door swings open. Melody strolls in and takes a seat across from me with a hateful smirk on her face. Marlo, Melody, and I finished nursing school together. Melody and I ran in the same circles when I dated Mason, and she fell on the other side of the fence when people started taking sides after our break up. I never saw it when we were friends, but Melody’s dreadfulness knows no bounds. Sometimes I think that she has made it her personal mission to make my life a living hell.

“OMG, Sara, you missed the most beautiful wedding! Natalie was gorgeous, I mean absolutely beautiful. Mason couldn’t keep his eyes off her. I think I saw tears in his eyes. I’ve never seen a couple more in love. They should be back from Hawaii soon. What a wonderful honeymoon spot, right?” Melody crosses her arms and lifts an eyebrow. I’m surprised she doesn’t need to gasp for air after spewing all that.