How to Date a Nerd (11 page)

Mom and Dad are working. Always working.

There’s a note on the counter telling me dinner’s made and in the fridge whenever we get hungry. Also a “friendly” reminder that Sierra’s butt is grounded, and I have to make sure she stays home.

I slink upstairs, still feeling like banging my face on the walls. I really hate myself today.

I mean, I hate myself most days. But today…

Yeah. I suck.

I try to rationalize the stupid reactions I have when I’m at school. Telling myself I only acted that way to Zak because he can’t fall for someone like me, but that’s a big-ass lie.

I’m not who I used to be. Not really. Zak should know that. He’s been a witness to it since we started high school. If he keeps bugging me it’s his own fault.

But he’s not bugging me.
I
asked him to teach me to drive.
I
played four hours of
Lord of the Rings
with him.
I
leapt the distance between our windows so I could stop that voicemail.

And it’s me who can’t seem to get past my insecurities. The desire to have the attention, to be liked and popular, keeps me from being myself.

Popular Zoe needs to go to sleep now. I’m tired of her.

I look down at my corset. The stupid thing keeps digging into my sides. I yank the snaps open and chuck it across the room. Finding the most boring bra I own, I pull it on, then cover my top half with my
Harry Potter
shirt.

The comforter on the bed still smells like Zak’s cologne, so when I toss it over my head, all the pain I try to escape intensifies.

There aren’t words harsh enough to describe how evil I am.

I
have
to make it up to him. Not just because his douche of a father called last night. Because he’s my…

I gulp.

Friend.

Or at least, I want him to be.

I think.

No.

I know.

I
do
want him to be my friend again. Not just because I like who I am with him, but because no matter how awful I’ve been to him, he’s always been the opposite to me.

Chapter 13

Why do I try to make things better? I suck at it.

I pull on a bright pink hoodie to cover my shirt. I’m still wearing my tight jeans, so no worries this time about going over in just my underwear.

Snatching his pants off the floor, I peek out the window to see if his is open.

It’s not.

Darn it. Guess I’ll have to go over the traditional way, even if that means getting a door slammed in my face.

After knocking, I shove my hands into the front pocket of my sweater. I think there’s a sensor or something on his porch that increases heart rates. My pulse beats out of my neck.

Mrs. Gibbons answers, wearing her security uniform.

“Zoe!”

“Hi, Maddie.”

“Come in, please.”

The smell of pumpkin spice tickles my nostrils and sends waves of memories into my brain when I get inside. Mrs. Gibbons makes the best pumpkin cheesecake.

“Two days in a row,” she says her eyes beaming. “I take it you’re reconnecting with my little Zakary?”

Am I that transparent? Is “I’m friends with a sexy nerd” written all over my body? I attempt one of those half smiles Zak does, but I feel a little queasy.

“You know…” She pulls me under her arm and taps a finger across my nose. “I used to be envious of you two.”

My eyebrows shoot upward and I wish she’d pull back. Nothing like a fresh wave of guilt to top off the nausea.

“I never had a friend who lived so close to me. Well, at least one I had so much in common with.”

She squeezes my shoulders.

“Zak is lucky he has someone like you to talk to.”

There goes my stomach falling into my butt again. Yeah, he’s sure lucky to have someone like me. Someone who will hop into his room when no one is around, but the second she senses someone laughing at her for talking with him, she calls him a stalker and tells him to leave her alone. I’m a real good buddy.

“Um…” Yeah, that’s all I can get to come out my mouth. Maybe puke if she keeps talking.

She giggles as she leaves my personal bubble. “I’ll go get him.”

She doesn’t yell up the stairs like normal moms do. She actually goes and gets him. I take another big inhale, letting the spice fill my nostrils. Ah, I miss this house. I miss feeling comfortable here. If it was back in the day, I wouldn’t have even used the door. Zak’s window would’ve been open, and I’d impress him with my ninja window-jumping skills, challenge him to a two-hour
Dr. Who
trivia session, and any fight we may have just had would be long forgotten. I shuffle my feet in the entryway, trying to shut off the thing in my nose that allows me to smell. But that just makes me sneeze.

“Bless you.”

Zak takes his time going down the stairs, like he’s afraid I’m going to suddenly bite him or something.

Yeah, I don’t blame him.

“Thanks.”

“What do you want?”

He seems to ask that a lot. And I never give him an honest answer.

“Uh, here,” I say, holding his jeans out.

He cocks his eyebrow in that awesome sexy way and takes them.

“You washed them already?”

Crap. “No, sorry.”

He shrugs and tosses them down the hall toward the laundry room.

“That all?” He tucks his hands in his back pockets, his plaid overshirt opening to reveal his Team Fred and George T-shirt.

My mouth fires off without me thinking. “Did you wear that shirt to school today?”

“Yeah.” He pulls his hands out of his pockets and folds his arms, covering the words. “Is that all you want?”

Throwing him a sheepish grin, I pull up my hoodie so he can see my shirt. I’m ready for his mouth to upturn in that irresistible smile, but instead he goes blood-orange red and tugs my sweater back down.

“If you don’t need anything else, I’ve got a lot of stuff to do.”

“Zak, I…”

“You can save it.”

I startle back from his tone. “Save what?”

“Whatever you want to say. It doesn’t matter.”

“Why do you say that?” I’m trying to keep the hurt out of my voice, but I don’t know how successful I am.

He glares at me, like I should be smart enough to figure it out. “I really do have a lot of crap to do.” He rubs his eyes with his forefinger and thumb. “So, if that’s all you want, you should go.”

“I-I’m sorry,” I sputter.

He shakes his head. “I don’t want to hear it, Zo.”

I’m chipping at him. He used the nickname.

“It’s not like that with me and Hunter. I… he wanted… I can’t…” Argh! I can’t get the words out because I don’t know what the right ones are.

“You think I’m upset because some guy was all over you?”

I nod—lying to him. Again. I know it’s much deeper than that.

“Guys are always all over you. At least the ones you talk to.”

I’m not sure what to say. He’s right, so I can’t argue. So I say the only thing I can. “I’m sorry.”

He sighs, dropping his hands back into his pockets. “Don’t worry about it. Like I said yesterday, it’s not like we’re friends or anything.”

I really wish he’d stop saying that.

“Will you still give me a driving lesson today?” I know I’m pushing his limits. But I can’t help myself. I want to spend time with him. I have to do something to clean up the mess I made, even though I’ll probably end up making it worse.

But it’s like I’m addicted to him or something.

“I don’t know.”

I gulp, and dig up the courage to say something I haven’t in a long time. “Please?”

Zak raises his eyebrow again, probably surprised I asked nicely. He seems to argue with himself, chomping his teeth and running his hands through his feathery hair, interlocking his fingers behind his neck. I play with my ring underneath the pocket of my hoodie, trying really hard not to blow out my cheeks as I wait.

Finally he opens the door and steps outside. “Let’s go. But it’s gonna be a short lesson today.”

I nod, forcing back the wide smile that wants to glue itself on my face as I follow him to my car. “Thanks.”

Zak doesn’t open my door for me, but it sure looks like he wants to. He stops halfway up the drive and stares at the car like it’s giving him a pop quiz. Then he slumps his shoulders and climbs into the passenger seat.

Guess I’m not as forgiven as I thought.

I strap the seatbelt on, my hands shaking like the paint mixer again. Zak’s not paying attention to me though. He’s picking at the stray fabric on his holey jeans, not a word passing his lips.

“Okay, so I just need to keep my foot on the clutch and the brake to start the car?” I ask, trying to lighten the tension in the air.

He nods.

A defeated sigh seeps out as I turn the key. He doesn’t offer to shift. Still says nothing as I smack my hand on the stick, shoving it downward into that screwed up reverse position. The only response I get is his eyebrows shooting skyward in approval.

He starts picking at his jeans again as I back up.

And stall.

I growl and let my head fall on the steering wheel. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Are you talking to yourself, or me?”

I puff up my cheeks and let it out before I answer. “You.”

“Look, I said I’d teach you how. So I’m going to follow through.”

“But you don’t want to.” I peek under my arm so I can get a look at his face. He presses his wrist in between his eyebrows, like he’s got a major headache or something.

“Just start the car, Zo.”

I want to cry. I totally deserve the frosty attitude, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Zak’s only been this pissed at me once. And it was my fault then too.

Instead of apologizing again, since it’d be pointless, I start the car, put it in gear and try to stay calm as I reverse out of the driveway. When I get to the street, I’m not sure how to shift, but I try my best, Zak watching my hand without making a sound.

The grinding the car makes as I shove the shifter in first makes me cringe, but Zak still stays silent. He doesn’t look bored, or annoyed, or even angry. He looks like he’s beyond caring. I’d rather take the anger.

The car jerks forward as I ease off the throttle, rocking us both in our seats. This continues during the entire drive to the parking lot we went to before. I pull in, and shut off the car, my eyes watering. I can’t tell if I’m more humiliated or hurt because of what I’ve done to him.

“You did really good.” His voice still sounds like he’s trying not to care, but he’s saying it anyway. “It takes practice.”

I nod, ’cause my voice will totally come out all juicy and snotty if I attempt to use it.

It’s silent between us, that horrid awkward silence that makes the tension in the air like sniffing glue. I feel sick, and stupid, and want it to all go away.

A growl erupts from Zak’s throat which makes me recoil in my seat.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

His concern locks a fist around my throat, making me croak out my words. “What?”

“There’s something wrong. What is it?”

I shake my head. “It’s nothing. Just forget it.”

“Zo…”

His hand goes for mine, but then he stops mid-air. A heat wave comes off his face as he pretends he was just going to scratch an imaginary itch.

“I don’t like it when you’re mad at me,” I blurt. “Even though you have every right to be pissed.”

Zak growls again. A really guttural and menacing growl as he smacks his fist on the roof of the car. “I don’t get you.”

“What do you mean?” I say, though I know exactly what he means. I don’t get me either.

“What is this to you?” He waves his hand between the two of us. “Are you using me like you use everyone? Once you know how to drive that’ll be it?”

He thinks I
use
people? Oh gosh. He’s starting to think Popular Zoe is the real Zoe. I mean, that’s what I thought I wanted, but it’s totally not. I like that he knows Geek Zoe. Because Geek Zoe is just… Zoe.

“Do you want that to be it?”

“You’re not answering me. I don’t like games. So if you want this to be a teacher-student thing, then keep it that way. No more treating me the way you do at school then coming over to say sorry so I’ll help you. No more jumping across our windows to get into my room. You obviously don’t care as much as I thought you did.”

“No, please…” I stutter, my eyes ready to flood out. Great. “I didn’t mean… at school, it’s just so different. I don’t know what happens to me.”

“I know exactly what happens to you.” He shakes his head and starts clicking the lightsaber keychain on his hip.

“But… I… I never ever mean to… I guess I don’t think about it hurting you.” I slam my face on the steering wheel again. “I’m selfish. That’s what happens to me. I can’t think about anyone but myself when I’m there.”

“I don’t think that’s true, either.”

My brow crinkles as I turn to him. “What?”

“If you only thought about yourself, who you really are, you wouldn’t care about what other people think so much.” He looks out his window, his breath fogging up the glass. “And you’re still not answering me.”

“What was the question, again?”

He rolls his head back to look at me. “Are you using me?”

I shake my head wildly. It may come off its hinges.

“You’re saying you want to be my friend again?”

Is that hope in his voice? Like, does he want that too?

I totally want to be close to him. To hug him and tell him that’s exactly what I want. Without really thinking, I unbuckle my seatbelt and lean over him, taking in his intoxicating scent. His breath catches with his surprise at our proximity, but he doesn’t move. His eyes lock with mine, searching for the answer to his question.

A flash of movement passes the window behind his head, pulling my eyes away from his.

Outside, BJ and Keira walk across the park grass, snuggled into each other, laughing and flirting.

Crap. If they look this way and see me leaning over Zak like this, I mean forget the Chlamydia rumors. It’ll all be about me seducing the Head Nerd. It sucks to think of Zak that way. Because he’s so much more than just someone people make fun of. He’s fun, funny, super awesome to hang out with, and accepts people for who they are. He’s not afraid either. To be himself.