How to Get Ahead in Television (20 page)

‘You think?' Sandra looked at me, pleading with me for it to be true.

‘Maybe.'

Sandra lunged into me for a hug. ‘Thank you, thank you. I can't believe it, you're right, I shouldn't believe it.'

‘Um, well, I'm not sure…'

Vanya came upstairs to find me hugging Sandra. She rolled her eyes, mimed a yawn and tapped her watch.

We took a break for coffee while Sandra recovered. Vanya sent Bronwyn the AP to talk to her. Apparently Bronwyn had two particular skills: dealing with distressed contestants and persuading people who didn't want to be on TV that they wanted to be on TV.

‘You were great back there,' Vanya said to me as we drank Thermos coffee outside by the kit van.

‘Really?'

‘Yeah, helps to have a bit of compassion on a show like this. The director is just after the money shot, you know, the tears, but the show needs people to pick up the pieces too, someone to get them dry-eyed and ready for the next scene.'

Peter noticed that we had taken a break from filming and walked over towards Vanya and me.

‘No, go away.' Vanya pointed at him.

Peter looked astonished by this, but dutifully turned around and went back to the car.

‘I've had enough of him today. So you want to work on factual formats when you finish your placement, Poppy?'

‘Yeah, maybe,' I said, trying to look enthusiastic. Vanya was not the kind of person you wanted to say the wrong thing to.

‘So the next revelation is that Sandra's mum is a little bit racist and doesn't approve of Sandra marrying into an Asian family. We're going to film Sandra having a drink with her mum in a pub and then show Sandra these texts her mum sent to her sister about Malcolm.'

‘Oh, how awful,' I said. ‘Her mum really doesn't approve?'

‘Well, it's ambiguous,' Vanya explained. ‘We've edited the texts to make them sound worse than they were. The most important thing is to get a reaction. The texts are just a jumping-off point for a mother–daughter argument. You have to craft these things, Poppy; you have to learn how to mine for those tears.'

As we finished our coffee, I felt my phone vibrate. It was a text from JR.

FROM
: JR

TO
: POPPY

Dangermouse. If I buy you lunch tomorrow, do you promise not to throw it at me? JR

I was forgiven! My heart skipped in my chest as I read his text. I quickly sent a reply saying I was on location tomorrow but that I could do the day after. The feeling that someone in the world was furious with me always made me very uncomfortable, so his text came as a huge relief.

I went to offer the crew more coffee with a spring in my step. When I came back around to the van, Vanya called me over.

‘So, Poppy, at this next location I'd like you to be on hand to deal with Sandra when she cries. I think she's taken a liking to you.'

‘Er, okay,' I said.

‘The only thing is, if she starts confiding in you about her mum being a racist, it would be great if you could tell her some personal anecdote about a time when someone's been racist to you.'

‘To me?'

‘Yup. Tell her how awful it was and how it's totally unacceptable. You know, hopefully that will get her riled up against her mum.'

I was confused.

‘Well, obviously I
do
think racism is unacceptable,' I said slowly, ‘absolutely, but I… I don't think anyone's ever been racist to me.'

‘Really?' Vanya looked surprised. ‘Never?'

‘I don't think so.'

Vanya was silent for a minute. ‘Okay, well, never mind. I can give you one of my own anecdotes to use if you don't have one of your own.'

I laughed.

‘What's funny?' Vanya looked affronted.

‘I… well, I don't think that's going to work…' I said nervously.

‘Why not?' Vanya stared at me.

‘Because… you're black and I'm… um… white?' I cringed as I said it. Why did I feel as though I was saying the wrong thing?

Vanya's stony glare crumbled and she collapsed into a cackling laugh.

‘I'm just messing with you, Poppy! Ha! Your face!'

‘Ha ha, I see, very funny.' I laughed nervously.

I was not enjoying anything about working on this production.

STEP 35 – CULTIVATE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE PEOPLE IN YOUR ORGANIZATION

TO
: BRAD

FROM
: POPPY

Sorry, Brad, looks like I now have to MOVE to the Congo (immediately) to design the new oil rig. Massively annoying as means I won't be around for drinks. Disappointing! Tabitha.

I
HAD NEVER
been more relieved to be back in the office. Working on
Changing Grooms
was like being put on a speed cycle in an emotional washing machine. I'd been brought up to feel as though conflict and tears were bad things; but for Vanya and her team they meant good telly. I was glad I wouldn't be there to film the wedding scene this weekend; I don't think I could see Sandra cry again.

In the post room, Helen and Rhidian were sitting at the computers.

‘Hey, 'ow was it?' Helen asked.

‘Vanya is terrifying,' I said.

‘Ha, yes, she's been workin' on mean shows too long.' Helen shrugged, bending down to re-tie the laces on her black DM boots.

‘Is it true she fired someone for mispronouncing “espresso”?' Rhidian asked Helen.

‘I wouldn't trust every rumour you 'ear around 'ere,' Helen said, turning back to her computer.

‘Hey, Poppy,' said Rhidian, as I was about to leave, ‘do you want to have lunch today?'

‘I would love to have lunch!'

‘So I'm glad to see you guys 'ave stopped your silly competitive war,' said Helen.

‘There's no war,' said Rhidian. ‘Though if there were, Poppy would be winning. She's been trying to lull me into a false sense of security, not telling me about all these brilliant ideas she's about to get commissioned.'

‘Hardly,' I said, catching Rhidian's eye and feeling butterflies skip in my stomach.

‘So while we're having a truce, I thought it might be nice to have lunch before things get inevitably gory again.' He smiled.

‘Oh sorry, I've just remembered, I can't do today. I…' I looked away guiltily. ‘I have plans.'

‘What plans do you 'ave?' Helen asked sharply. Though what difference it made to her whether I had lunch with Rhidian, I had no idea.

‘Just plans…' I said sheepishly. ‘Another time?'

‘Sure, it's not a big deal. Anyone want a drink from the kitchen?' said Rhidian. We shook our heads and he walked past me to leave the room.

‘Why won't you go for lunch with 'im?' Helen hissed.

‘Why does it matter?' I asked in annoyance.

‘I just thought it were nice he were makin' an effort you know. David 'n' I were gettin' right sick o' the tension between the two o' you. I've never known two folk be so spiky with each other.'

‘Look, it's fine, we're friends again, we don't need to have lunch.'

Rhidian came back with a glass of water, just as JR popped his head around the door of the post room, catching Rhidian's arm with his laptop bag, sloshing water all over the floor.

‘Sorry, mate,' JR apologized, checking his bag for water damage. ‘Poppy, are you still on for lunch today?'

‘Um, yeah,' I said, feeling my cheeks burn red, and taking care not to look at Helen or Rhidian.

JR instructed me to meet him at the Bagel House around the corner for lunch. I was there before him and, as he came in, he ducked, avoiding an imaginary object being thrown at his head.

‘Am I safe from flying food, Dangermouse?'

‘Oh, ha ha. I am so sorry about that. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm an idiot.'

‘Don't do it again. Bad Poppy,' JR said sternly.

As I ordered myself a coffee and a bagel from the waitress, JR looked me up and down, assessing me.

‘You look well; have you had something done?' he asked ‘Facelift? Botox? Rampant sex session?'

‘No! Hey, I am way too young for that, thank you very much!'

‘What, sex?'

‘No, botox…' I sighed. ‘I've just been working on
Changing Grooms
for a couple of days. I imagine the stress of it probably made me lose a few pounds.'

‘It's a vile show, but it makes RealiTV eight million pounds in global sales each year, so you can't really argue with it. I'm glad you're looking well due to stress-induced weight loss. I'd be very jealous if you'd been having rampant sex with someone, Penfold.'

I looked up at him and his eyes seared into me, twinkling with mischief. I'd never seen JR like this before, so overtly flirtatious.

‘So you're feeling better, then?' I said archly.

‘I am, Penfold, I am. Nothing like a soup shower and a few days of sleep to flush out the lurgy.'

‘Are you ever going to let me forget about that?' I asked.

‘Nope. Now listen, let me just take you through my notes before we do anything else.' JR pulled my treatment out of his bag. ‘It's good in the main, Poppy, the theme is really strong. There are just a few rounds where I have suggestions for improvements.'

He took me through the document, telling me where to make changes and what to restructure. He'd been very thorough.

‘So tell me more about
Changing Grooms
then?' he asked me once we'd finished going through his notes. ‘You want to work in Factual now?'

‘No!' I said, shaking my head. ‘I didn't know… Well, I didn't know TV could be so mean.'

‘Of course it's mean, Poppy. Viewers want heightened versions of reality; you don't get those extremes of emotion without a bit of manipulation. Vanya's the best in the business – you could learn a lot from her.'

I shrugged. ‘I guess I just thought TV would be a bit more…'

‘What?'

‘Ethical.'

‘Oh yes, that's exactly what people want when they turn on the TV after a hard day at work, to know it's “ethical”.' JR shook his head at me. ‘You want it all, don't you, Penfold: you want to be the moral crusader, the romantic heroine, the “career woman who juggles it all”. The trouble with your generation, Poppy—'

‘Oh, here we go, old man,' I sighed, looking down into my empty coffee cup.

‘… is that you watch too much TV. I know we work in the industry, so that shouldn't be a bad thing, but it is. People watch so much drama they can't help wandering through life imagining they're starring in their very own mini-series, injecting drama where there shouldn't be any. I bet you saw that soup-throwing move on some shitty soap opera, didn't you, Dangermouse?'

‘So you're really not going to let me forget about that.'

‘It's true though, isn't it? All the melodrama, it comes from watching too much TV.'

‘Maybe,' I admit.

‘I've got news for you, Dangermouse: the sooner you realize life isn't like the movies, the better off you'll be. No-one's going to make TV “ethically”; entertainment is the aim, and no one's gonna sweep you off your feet in some
Casablanca-
style finale.'

I didn't know where all this was coming from. On one hand, JR sounded like he was joking, just teasing me about something that was actually quite an astute observation; but on the other hand, I couldn't help but feel disappointed that he didn't want to sweep me off my feet. A spark of disappointment must have flashed across my face.

‘Oh, I knew it, you did want me to sweep you off your feet.' JR smiled. ‘Aw, poor Penfold.' He paused. ‘Look, Poppy, you're funny, and pretty, and if you can tone down the soup-throwing histrionics, I… well, I like spending time with you.'

I could sense a ‘but'.

‘But…'

‘But I'm thirty-two, you're twenty-two. I have a job, I work really hard, I have friends I want to see, I have things I want to do. I'm not the hero in some shitty rom-com, okay? I don't have time to be that person. I'm a grown-up, with stuff going on; I can't deal with someone having those kind of expectations of me.' He looked very serious for a minute.

‘I don't,' I said. ‘I don't have any expectations, I just… I just like spending time with you too.'

‘Good. That's settled then.'

After this slightly strange conversation, I asked JR what he was working on now the
What Do They Know?
pilot was over. He said he was developing a co-production with an animation house.

‘It's a grown-up comedy cartoon about relationships, a bit like a British version of
Family Guy
,' he explained.

‘Ooh, you should talk to Rhidian,' I said excitedly. ‘He's really into animation, he's very talented. He's got this brilliant idea called “Tipsy and Tim” about this guy and his drunk girlfriend; it's exactly what you are talking about, like an adult version of a children's cartoon.'

JR laughed. ‘Good title. Yeah, there's definitely room for a big new British animation.' He paused. ‘You're very up on Rhidian all of a sudden. Aren't you guys supposed to be fighting to the death?'

‘Well, I don't think I'm going to win the job anyway, so whether I'm friends with Rhidian or not won't make a difference.'

JR could see I looked despondent. ‘Don't worry, Penfold, you've got my vote. Even if you don't win the placement, someone will give you a job. You're good, people like you, you'll be fine.'

It didn't feel as though I'd be fine.

As we walked back to work together, JR said, ‘Come over to mine tonight, if you like. You know where I live. I have to go to something early evening, but I should be back by nine.'

He brushed my bottom with his hand as we walked along.

‘Oh, r… right…' I stuttered.

This had totally thrown me. Before I could say anything else, we were back in reception.

‘Let me know,' JR said, striding off without a backward glance.

I had no idea what this meant. Was he asking me to come around to his for casual sex? Had that been what his whole ‘not having romantic hero expectations of him' speech had been about? Or maybe it was a date?

I felt strangely out of my depth. I needed to call Natalie and ask her opinion.