How to Get Ahead in Television (17 page)

STEP 29 – FIND A MENTOR WHO IS WILLING TO HELP YOUR CAREER GROW

FROM
: JAMES
TO
: POPPY

Dangermouse, where are you? Haven't seen u clutzing around office recently. Have you written up that proposal for me yet? JR

FROM
: POPPY
TO
: JAMES

I don't clutz, thank you! Been in Dartmoor on SOTW living off boiled squirrel.

: (Writing ‘Bank My Bonus' as I text you. C u in office tmrw. X PP

I
WOKE UP
early the next morning, blow-dried my hair straight, put on a white shirt, pink blazer and skinny jeans. It felt great not to be camping, and even better to have finally received a communication from JR.

‘What are you wearing?' Nat said as she saw me about to walk out of the door.

‘City chic? No?'

‘No, hun, you look like an air hostess. Take that jacket off and wear mine.' She handed me her favourite Stella McCartney faux leather jacket.

‘Really? Are you sure?' Nat never let me borrow her clothes.

‘You want to look good when you see JR, don't you?' Nat looked me up and down. ‘Much better, very Kate Beckinsale.'

‘Thanks, Nat, I love this jacket. Oh, did your mum get that cheque I left for her, by the way? I never see your parents.'

‘They're both working ridic hours on cases at the moment. I'm so glad I'm not a lawyer.'

‘Nat, you
are
a lawyer.'

‘Yeah, but I'm not a
proper
lawyer, am I? I'm just doing the training.'

‘Yes, but surely you're going to
be
a lawyer, otherwise why would you be doing the training?'

Nat tapped her nose mysteriously.

In the RealiTV reception, Mel was pinning her platinum hair into a bun.

‘Oh, hey, I nearly didn't recognize you,' Mel said, putting a hand over her mouth in mock shock. ‘It's probably because you're walking into a room face-first rather than arse-first.'

‘A very good morning to you too, Mel,' I said.

In the post room, David was wearing a
Goodfellas
T-shirt and baseball cap, fiddling with a Rubik's cube.

‘Morning, David,' I said.

‘It is true what they say,' said David, holding the Rubik's cube aloft. ‘Sometimes the old ones are the best. If I were in jail, this is what I would ask for, a Rubik's cube: hours of entertainment. What would you ask for?'

‘What?'

‘If you could have one form of entertainment in jail, what would you have?'

‘A cellmate, I guess,' I said, rifling through the post.

‘Good answer. Though if you didn't like your cellmate, they might prove more hindrance than help.'

‘That's true. If I was sharing a cell with Mel, I'd soon smash my own brains out.'

I was about to leave the room when I glanced over at Rhidian's chart, still plastered to the pinboard. Where I had written ‘Doing a good job for JR', someone had added the word ‘blow' before the word ‘job'.

‘Who wrote that?' I asked David, tearing the chart from the board.

‘Wrote what?' David asked, startled by my sudden outburst and dropping the Rubik's cube.

‘This!' I shoved the paper in his face and he read the offending annotation.

‘I don't know,' David said, stifling a giggle.

‘Really?' I said, feeling a hot wall of tears building behind my eyes.

‘Really, Poppy, I would never write that, that's really mean. I didn't even know you were seeing Ravenstone.'

‘I AM NOT SEEING HIM! Who wrote it?'

Venting my anger was the only way I could stop myself from crying, but as David cowered in his chair, I realized I was probably shouting at the wrong person – David didn't have a bitchy bone in his body.

‘I really don't know, Poppy, I've only been here ten minutes…'

I scrunched the list into a ball and thrust it into my bag. I headed to the disabled loo to try and remedy my smudged mascara. Valerie Decouz's words rang in my head as I tried to stop the tidal wave of tears. Maybe pursuing my crush on JR had been a terrible idea. This company was a hotbed for gossip, and I didn't want people talking about me like that. I looked at myself in the mirror and straightened my hair.

‘Pull yourself together, Penfold,' I whispered to myself. ‘No crying at work.'

I headed straight to the lift to do a tea run upstairs; I couldn't face going back to the post room. Just as the doors were about to close, JR appeared and jumped in next to me.

‘Ah, Penfold! The adventuress returns! How are you? Hey, are you okay?'

He'd noticed my blotchy eyes.

‘I'm fine. I… I just… I have hay fever.'

‘Hay fever, in October?'

‘It's southern hemisphere hay fever, hemisfever… because it's summer there, you know… er… it's very rare. Anyway, I've done that write-up for you.'

‘Excellent.' JR took my hand and squeezed it. ‘Hey, do you want to have a drink tomorrow night?'

‘Um, yes… yes, that sounds good.'

With one hand squeeze, JR managed to dispel my miserable mood. Even if it meant people gossiping about me, there was no way I was going to be able to resist going out with him again.

‘Great. Email me the write-up and I'll see you tomorrow.'

Then he was gone.

I rode the lift alone up one more floor and couldn't help doing a little happy dance. The lift opened on the fifth to Dominic Green.

‘Poppy, what have I told you about jumping in the lift?' he said sternly.

‘I wasn't jumping!' I said.

‘I could hear you jumping in there.'

‘It was dancing.'

‘No jumping, no dancing. Just standing and pressing buttons. Okay?'

‘Sorry.'

STEP 30 – TREAT YOUR COLLEAGUES WITH RESPECT

FROM
: <
[email protected]
>

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: Bank My Bonus

ATTACHMENT
: BANK MY BONUS – word doc.

Write-up attached. Thanks so much for helping me with this, JR, I really appreciate it!

Let me know where and when you want to meet for drinks later.

PP

RealiTV – because a real workforce makes real TV!

T
HE NEXT DAY
in the post room, Rhidian was sitting at Helen's computer. I took a seat at the other one.

‘Hey, how good does it feel to be back in your own bed?' Rhidian asked me.

‘Good. Though eating food that wasn't squirrel-shaped was more of a relief,' I said.

‘So, I see you took the chart down…' Rhidian said, a sly note in his voice. ‘Did that last point I wrote up send you over the edge?'

So Rhidian had written it. My heart sank. I knew he was competitive, but I'd never imagined he could be so outright mean.

‘You're a dick, Rhidian.' I took a deep breath, trying not to let myself get upset again.

‘What? It was obviously a joke!' Rhidian laughed. He sounded surprised that I wasn't finding it funny. ‘Fine, perhaps it's for the best the chart is gone. So tell me, how was Bev on the train back?'

I could not believe he was being so chirpy, dismissing such a harsh comment as a light-hearted joke.

‘I'm a bit busy, Rhidian. Some of us have work to do,' I said.

That shut him up.

Just as I finished reading an email about printer cartridges, Rhidian piped up again.

‘Are you okay, Poppy? Did I do something to upset you?'

But before I could point out his huge misjudgement on what constituted a ‘funny joke', Mel sashayed into the post room.

‘Hey, Rhid, there you are! You wanna grab lunch today?'

‘Er, not today, Mel, I've got quite a lot on,' Rhidian replied.

‘Oh, that's cool.' Mel looked put-out. ‘So how was your date with JR, Poppy?'

‘What? Who told you we went on a date?' I said, thrown that she knew this.

‘Ah, so it was a date!' Mel said gleefully. ‘I clocked you sneaking out together after work the other night. He's way too old for you.'

‘You don't know anything about it, Mel,' I said, my cheeks flushing scarlet.

‘I think Poopy doth protest too much. So, Rhids, I'm free later if you wanna hang, whatever, I'm easy.' Then out she sauntered, delighted to have wheedled something out of me.

Rhidian and I sat in silence for a moment.

‘So… so you're really seeing JR?' Rhidian said after a couple of minutes.

I couldn't believe he was acting as though this was new information; he'd obviously suspected something or he wouldn't have written that mean comment on his stupid chart.

‘Neither of you know what you're talking about,' I muttered.

‘So you're not seeing him?' Rhidian refused to let the matter drop.

I swivelled my chair around to face him. He looked strangely flustered.

‘What's it to you, Rhidian?'

‘Nothing,' Rhidian said. ‘I just thought you were seeing that guy Ian. I didn't think you were like that, Poppy – you know, one guy at home, one guy at work…'

Oh great, so he didn't actually care that I was seeing JR, he just had a misguided sense of indignation on Ian's behalf. I was about to explain that I'd never really been seeing Ian, that he was just a friend, when I stopped myself; why should I have to explain myself to Rhidian?

‘Well, maybe you don't know me very well, Rhidian,' I said testily. ‘I didn't think you were the kind of person to write cruel things on your stupid chart, but I obviously misjudged you, didn't I?'

‘That was
obviously
a joke, Poppy.'

‘You've got a funny idea of a joke, Rhidian.'

‘Look, whatever, I'm sorry if it offended you so much, I just—' Rhidian stopped talking as David came in with two cups of tea.

‘Woah, tension-tastic, guys. What have I walked into? Lovers' tiff?'

‘Nothing.' Rhidian swung his chair around, turning his back to me.

‘Nothing,' I said.

‘Shall I let you finish, or do you want me to stay and act as ref?' David asked.

Neither of us said anything. My phone started ringing; it was my mum, so I clicked it to voicemail.

‘Which one of your multiple boyfriends was that then?' Rhidian asked.

‘Piss off, Rhidian,' I said, getting up and leaving the room.

STEP 31 – DON'T BE AFRAID TO TAKE SOME INITIATIVE

FROM
: <
[email protected]
>

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: RE: Bank My Bonus

Sorry, P. Actually going to have to rain check drink plans. Under the weather, so going home early for some R&R. Thanks for the write-up, will take a look at it when I can.

JR

RealiTV – because a real workforce makes real TV!

T
HE EMAIL CAME
through at five o'clock, just as I was about to prompt JR on where we should meet. A wave of disappointment hit me. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him all week. He'd finally got around to making plans with me and now he was cancelling. This was turning out to be one hell of a shitty day. Then an idea popped into my head: perhaps I should take some hot soup to his house? The man was probably feeling rotten – I could surprise him with a takeaway and then snuggle in for a movie night. Brilliant idea.

I knew JR's home address off by heart because he always got me to order him a cab home when we were working late on
What Do They Know?
. Leaving the office, I stopped off at the shops to pick him up a few treats. If I were feeling ill, I'd
want someone to bring me a chick flick and
Grazia
magazine, so I scanned the shelves for the male equivalent. I settled on
GQ
magazine and a DVD about extreme sports. It put me over my new seven-pounds-a-day budget, but this could be chalked up as ‘exceptional circumstances'.

I got to Camden tube station and found a noodle bar called Thai Thai Thai. I picked up two large pots of chicken laksa soup, then, goodie bags in hand, set off to find JR's street. I skipped along, congratulating myself on thinking of such a spontaneously romantic gesture. I felt like the lead in a feminist version of a classic love story, where the heroine comes to rescue the sickly hero. I found JR's flat and rang the buzzer. No answer – that was strange. Perhaps he'd nipped around the corner to get some Lemsip or something?

I sat on the doorstep, not wanting to call him for fear of ruining the surprise. The soup was going to get cold now. After ten minutes, it wasn't just the soup getting cold as I started to shiver. There was a pub at the end of the street; perhaps I should go and have a hot chocolate, then come back in ten minutes. He really couldn't have ventured far if he was ill. I trotted down to the Two and Sixpence pub, and that's when I saw him, through the window, drinking beer with a group of men.

He did not look ill.

My first instinct was relief; there he was, fit and well and looking as gorgeous as ever. But then the truth dawned on me: he'd lied to get out of seeing me tonight. My heart sank. How could he do this to me? I was about to leave, to slip away before he saw me, but then my hurt turned to anger. Here I was, running around town like a misguided Florence Nightingale, bringing him bloody soup, and he was having beers in the pub! Without really thinking through any sort of plan, I charged into the pub and stormed over to JR and his little party.

‘I came up here to bring you soup, 'cause you said you were ill, arsehole. You don't look very ill to me!' I shouted,
not caring as drinkers turned to stare. The pot of cold laska soup was in my hand, and then, before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it over him. Before JR could react, I turned and ran from the pub, stopping just around the corner, my whole body shaking, heart pounding in my chest.

I stood there, fuming. How could he do this to me? Lie so brazenly like that? Maybe I'd read too much into that dinner and that kiss… I paced up and down on the street corner, waiting for JR to rush outside and apologize. Perhaps I'd accept his apology and we'd both go back to his and he could have a shower, and then he'd kiss me and it would all be fine again. But JR did not come rushing out to find me. In fact, he didn't come out of the pub at all.

I wasn't sure what to do now. The whole situation felt very unresolved. You couldn't just throw soup over someone, leave and then go home without an explanation, could you? I felt a nagging sense of doubt that maybe soup-throwing hadn't been the correct move. I wasn't even sure why I had done it, it was as though my arm possessed a rebellious little mind of it's own.

After fifteen minutes, I was still loitering in the street. Finally, JR emerged. He'd taken off his soup-soaked shirt and borrowed a jumper. He said goodbye to his friends at the pub door, then saw me lurking on the street corner. Walking towards me, he did not look happy.

‘What the hell was all that about, Poppy?'

‘You… you… said you were ill, and you're not,' I said, trying to muster a reasonable tone of indignation. For some reason I felt as though I was on the back foot.

‘Well, for your information, I am not feeling great, no. But my friends coaxed me out of the house to have one drink for my mate's birthday.'

‘Oh,' I said.

‘And then you come flying in and cover me in Thai curry. What are you even doing here, Poppy?'

‘It's actually soup…' I interjected.

‘Making a scene in front of all my friends? How do you think I'm supposed to explain who the hell you even are, Poppy?'

JR didn't appear to be calming down, and the apology I had expected was definitely not materializing. I couldn't help but feel hurt that he didn't know how to explain who I was to his friends. Surely he would have talked to them about the girl at work he liked. I'd told Nat everything about him.

‘I'm sorry,' I said, bowing my head.

‘I can't deal with this sort of melodrama, Poppy. I'll see you later.'

JR turned and walked back up the street without a backward glance.

I shuffled back to the Tube. My grand romantic gesture had turned into a bunny-boiler moment.