How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (63 page)

“He who walks with the wise grows wise”

(P
ROVERBS
13:20).

Don’t
play down the situation by suggesting an abused wife forgive the abuser and go back to him unless he has a repentant spirit and has made a radical change in behavior over an extended period of time.

Do
proceed with wisdom and caution. Abusers may be sorry for what they have done and even make tearful apologies, asking for another chance. However, without the help of the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, the old behavior of the flesh will almost certainly return and repeat the abusive cycle.

“The way of a fool seems right to him,
but a wise man listens to advice”

(P
ROVERBS
12:15).

Don’t
simply pray for an abused wife then share Scripture with her.

Do
give her Scripture passages that she can pray to God—verses that express her heart, her hurt, and her hope for healing.

“I call with all my heart…I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I have put my hope in your word…that I may meditate on your promises.
Hear my voice in accordance with your love”

(P
SALM
119:145,147-149).

Don’t
let an abused wife leave without having a plan of action to address the present crises or the ongoing abusive situation.

Do
utilize whatever resources are available in the church or community to provide whatever physical and emotional protection the situation requires.

“Make plans by seeking advice…
obtain guidance”

(P
ROVERBS
20:18).

Sadly, the church has been silent for far too long on the widespread sin of domestic violence. Pastors can play a pivotal role by speaking out from the pulpit against all forms of domestic violence, initiating programs that address the needs of victims and even helping the victimizers receive help through qualified counselors.

The doors of churches and the hearts of church members must open wide to embrace the abused and to reach out to the abusers with the help they both so desperately need.
Transforming lives
is what true ministry is all about, and God’s heart is to transform the lives of both victim and victimizer. The pulpit has served as a powerful venue for both spiritual and societal change in many areas of life; therefore, pastors can serve as the catalyst for powerful change in connection with this issue as well.

Jesus tells us that when we help victims, it is as though we are helping Him.

“Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you,
or thirsty and give you something to drink?
When did we see you a stranger and invite you in,
or needing clothes and clothe you?
When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?…
‘I tell you the truth,
whatever you did for one of the least of these…you did for me’ ”

(M
ATTHEW
25:37-40).

Jesus also tells us that when we confront an abuser, we are helping save the sinner from death.

“If one of you should wander from the truth
and someone should bring him back, remember this:
Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death
and cover over a multitude of sins”

(J
AMES
5:19-20).

Start Making a Difference

B
E
P
ROACTIVE

— Openly address from the pulpit and in other teaching venues the topic of domestic violence. Acknowledge that abuse takes place among people within the church.

— Present messages—sermons, courses, Bible studies, and seminars—on anger management, conflict resolution, confrontation, and boundaries within relationships.

— Invite domestic violence experts to make presentations on abuse issues.

— Establish a domestic violence committee to address abuse issues within the church.

— Require premarital counseling for couples who plan to marry, and specifically address domestic violence and how to handle disagreements, arguments, and control issues.

— Offer marriage counseling that includes a segment on domestic violence.

— Prepare separate programs for adolescents as well as for single adults that address dangerous dating.

— Require the women’s and the men’s ministries of the church to address abuse issues separately.

— Provide phone numbers for abuse hotlines or crisis lines.

— Designate an “abuse presentation” day, week, or month to educate and activate church members.

The Bible says,

“These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other,
and render true and sound judgment in your courts”

(Z
ECHARIAH
8:16).

B
E
R
EACTIVE

— Establish church procedures—“church discipline”—to hold abusers accountable.

— Confront abusers and offer help on how to handle conflicts and anger—both past and present—and how to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

— Train mentors who can help those struggling with abuse issues.

— Utilize counselors trained in domestic violence matters and lawyers who specialize in family law.

— Talk and pray with victims about the possibility of temporarily leaving their physically abusive partners if the violence continues.

— Provide a temporary safe place for victims and children who are living in danger.

— Provide counselors who have expertise in the area of domestic violence, and then arrange individual counseling sessions for abusers and for those they abuse (but
not
counseling for couples—the abused may feel too intimidated by such a setup).

— Offer support groups to victims of abuse and accountability groups for abusers.

— Give financial support to shelters and other agencies for abused wives and their children.

— Encourage testimonials in the church from survivors of abuse as well as from repentant abusers.

As a pastor, take to heart the biblical admonition to…

“Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”

(P
ROVERBS
24:11-12).

If the abused is candid about being abused, remember, you’re talking with a
victim
.

The person before you is wounded, emotionally fragile, and perhaps even
traumatized. The tone and tenor of your words are essential to establishing a nurturing conversation that is conducive to her sharing her heart and your communicating hope from your heart. As in all cases of victimization, you must follow a definitive set of do’s and don’ts to help ensure that your assistance will be positive.

Love, listen, and lend a helping hand. The Bible says,

“Defend the cause of the weak…
maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed”

(P
SALM
82:3).

Most victims choose to deny the severity of their situation by developing a strong defense mechanism. In addition to denying that anything is wrong, the abused tend to minimize or rationalize their abuser’s behavior. If the abused woman is openly and honestly discussing the abusive situation, she is displaying significant courage. This effort in itself is quite an emotional ordeal. Be prepared to respond with love and patience when your friend begins to share the secrets of a broken heart.
⁴⁵

Don’t
talk in generalities if you suspect abuse.

Do
specifically ask whether there has been physical harm.

“The purposes of a man’s [or woman’s] heart are deep waters,
but a man [or woman] of understanding draws them out”

(P
ROVERBS
20:5).

Don’t
treat the problem lightly or minimize the abuse.

Do
realize that violence can be a matter of life or death, and that wife abuse is against the civil law, the moral law, and God’s law.

“Keep me, O L
ORD
, from the hands of the wicked;
protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet”

(P
SALM
140:4).

Don’t
change the subject or act embarrassed when abuse is revealed.

Do
encourage disclosure at any time about anything and be willing to listen.

“Listen carefully to my words;
let this be the consolation you give me.
Bear with me while I speak”

(J
OB
21:2-3).

Don’t
blame the victim for the abuse.

Do
help the victim see that no one can make another person sin. Abuse is solely the choice of the abuser, and the abuser is solely responsible to God.

“God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil”

(E
CCLESIASTES
12:14).

Don’t
fear a strong display of emotions.

Do
allow the victim to express fear, shame, and anger, which are often avoided, denied, or wrongly perceived to
always
be sinful.

“In your anger do not sin”

(P
SALM
4:4).

Don’t
advise your friend to preserve the family at all costs.

Do
affirm that moving the family out of harm’s way—separating—is not the same as divorcing.

“You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid”

(J
OB
11:18-19).

Don’t
send the person home when physical abuse is likely to occur.

Do
provide temporary shelter and assist in discovering options.

“If anyone…sees his brother in need but has no pity on him,
how can the love of God be in him?…
Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth”

(1 J
OHN
3:17-18).

Don’t
accuse your friend of failing to be loving or submissive or long-suffering.

Do
explain that it is not God’s will for any wife to suffer abuse by her husband for any reason. The issue is neither submission nor lack of submission, love nor lack of love.

“You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil;
with you the wicked cannot dwell.
The arrogant cannot stand in your presence;
you hate all who do wrong”

(P
SALM
5:4-5).

Don’t
merely tell the person to report injuries to a doctor or the police.

Do
accompany your friend to the hospital and help fill out police reports.

“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”

(P
ROVERBS
18:24).

Don’t
allow the victim to stay all alone, paralyzed in fear of further abuse.

Do
learn about legal options. Accompany your friend to court and help her get a restraining order.

“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake
to every authority instituted among men:
whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors,
who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong
and to commend those who do right”

(1 P
ETER
2:13-14).

Don’t
try to provide more counseling than you are trained to give.

Do
show that you care and help find counseling from someone who has experience in working with victims of violence.

“He who guards his lips guards his life,
but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin”