How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (58 page)

A
NSWER
:
God made women and men different from one another, with different roles and functions. The Bible does not say that God regards one gender as superior and the other as inferior. Rather, He regards them as equal: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).

A
RGUMENT
:
“Because Ephesians 5:24 says wives should submit to their husbands in everything, a wife must submit unconditionally—even to abuse.”
²⁸

A
NSWER
:
This conclusion contradicts other Scripture passages. A “hierarchy of submission” was demonstrated when the apostles refused to obey the high priest and instead obeyed Jesus, who gave them the Great Commission to continue to teach about Him (Matthew 28:19-20). The disciples could have been severely punished for disobeying the high priest and instead submitting to God.

•
Similarly, if a husband tells a wife to do something that God says is wrong, she must not submit to her erring husband, but instead submit to God.

•
God clearly states His position that husbands are to treat their wives with respect, as well as His opposition to violence. In all things “we must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29).

A
RGUMENT
: “Because the Bible says the husband is the head of the wife, a wife must not resist being abused by her husband.”

A
NSWER
: A wife is to submit to the
headship
(or leadership) of her husband, but nowhere does the Bible imply she is to submit to the
abuse
of her husband. She is to respect his position, not be victimized by his power.

In Ephesians 5:23, the husband and wife relationship is compared to the relationship of Christ and the church. Christ is the head of His church, which is His body. Although the husband is the head of his wife, no head abuses its own body. A husband never chooses to beat his body with a hammer—unless, of course, he is out of his mind (mentally ill). Instead, he does whatever he can to protect and provide for his body. A godly husband will treat his wife in the same way that Christ cares for the church: “The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior…Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:23,28-29).

Submission vs. Your Conscience

Q
UESTION
:
“My husband says that because I am a Christian, I must submit to whatever is asked of me. Must I submit when pressured to do things that violate my conscience?”
²⁹

A
NSWER
:
No, never violate your conscience. Keeping a clear conscience is an issue of your integrity. In the Bible, a “hierarchy” of submission exists to guide our decision making:

•
First, we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). This
mutual submission
includes both husbands and wives deferring to the appropriate desires of each other.

•
Second, the verse that immediately follows says, “Wives, submit to your husbands” (verse 22), which should be read with the corollary verse, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church” (verse 25).
However
, if a husband asks his wife to rob a bank with him, she should not submit to him because…

•
Third, the Bible also says we are to submit to governing authorities (Romans 13:1).
However
, if the government instructs you to gas hundreds of people (as happened in Nazi Germany), you should not submit because…

•
One of God’s Ten Commandments states, “You shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13). Ultimately, “We must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29).

Clearly the highest authority is God, next is the governing authorities, and then the family. Thus, if your mate’s request is illegal or against God’s will, you must not submit.

“This is love for God: to obey his commands”

(1 J
OHN
5:3).

Habitual patterns of abusive behavior rarely change unless there is significant intervention, professional guidance, or both. Sometimes, however, an abuser becomes so convicted of his harmful ways that the Lord is moved to give the person a new heart, new desires, and the power to change.

If your mate promises that change has occurred, you need to ask the Lord for the wisdom to carefully discern whether the change is only temporary and manipulative or your husband has truly taken personal responsibility for his abusive behavior. As Proverbs 2:12 says, “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse.”

As you seek to determine whether your mate’s professed changes are real, ask yourself these questions:

— Do I no longer have a sense of fear when I am with my husband?

— Has my husband learned to control his anger without being verbally or emotionally abusive?

— Does my husband respect my right to disagree?

— Is my husband able to express his feelings of anger in a calm, nonthreatening way?

— Does my husband communicate feelings other than anger?

— Does my husband take personal responsibility for inappropriate behavior and no longer blame me or others?

— Do I feel I am being treated with respect?

— Does my husband show consistent love and refuse to harbor bitterness toward me?

— Does my husband include me in his decision making?

— Does my husband ask for my opinions and listen attentively to them?

— Does my husband share his heart with me?

— Does my husband express interest in my thoughts, feelings, and desires?

— Does my husband have an accountability group I can contact?

— Does my husband respect my need for other relationships?

Scripture is clear about the husband’s role:

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them”

(C
OLOSSIANS
3:19).

When Anger Hits Home:
The Raul and Sharon Ries Story

In the early years of our radio ministry, we often heard people say, “Thank you for tackling topics that other programs don’t even touch.” Because wife abuse was one of those taboo topics, I was so grateful to Sharon Ries for sharing her candid, compelling story with our Hope for the Heart family for an entire week. Now I want to share her story with you.

It all started with a “Hi ya,”
³⁰
and before long the “bad boy” had swept the “good girl” off her feet.

As Raul strolled across the high school campus, Sharon was enraptured, imagining she was gazing at a dashing Spanish conqueror. Raul’s brown skin and black wavy hair made the wannabe missionary girl temporarily lose sight of her spiritual focus.

After high school, she knew they couldn’t marry. She had taken to heart what her Chilean missionary parents had told her: “Do not be unequally yoked.”
³¹

Yet their relationship deepened while Raul served in the Marines. Love letters, strewn with words of affection, linked their hearts from afar. And when Raul returned home, Sharon’s once-firm boundaries crumbled—and she became pregnant.

Doubt consumed Sharon. Aware of Raul’s reputation as a ladies’ man, how could she marry a man she increasingly didn’t
trust
?

Raul had grown up in a violent home where terror reigned. His compulsion to vent his rage led him to become a master of kung fu.
During the Vietnam War, hunting Viet Cong provided a new kind of exhilaration, where killing became the ultimate thrill. When Raul returned home, he brought an all-consuming rage with him.
³²

At age 20, Sharon stood before Raul uttering wedding vows. Because of the mess she had made of her life, she also silently recommitted herself to the Savior. “Lord, You’re the answer to my situation—You’re the
only
answer. I give my life to You, my child to You, and this man to You.”
³³

Following the birth of their son and with another child on the way, restlessness dogged Raul. Sharon questioned him about his frequent late nights out. His abusive words: “Stupid…dummy…filthy witch… big nag”
³⁴
…and a barrage of vile expletives shredded Sharon’s sense of self-worth and security. His extramarital affairs prompted more questions from Sharon and more abuse from Raul. He threw their wedding album in her face, squeezed and bruised her limbs, and did kung fu kicks to her legs. Pain and humiliation became commonplace.

Sharon prayed and persevered…until Raul’s abuse was unleashed toward their five-year-old son. Determined to shield him from danger, Sharon devised an escape plan. On Easter, she would leave.

Raul returned home Easter evening to an empty house and full suitcases. His wife’s plans now obvious to him, he decided to counter-attack. Pulling out his rifle, he reasoned, “If I can’t have my family, nobody else is gonna have them!”
³⁵
After killing them, he’d kill himself.

Raul figured Sharon and the kids were at church—“Little Miss Christian,” he mused venomously. Awaiting the arrival of his prey, Raul turned on the television, idly flipping through the channels until a voice of reason penetrated the silence, with certain phrases catching his attention: “This is the real sign of love…fellowship with God…
you
can come to know that love…”
³⁶
Raul’s eyes locked on the screen. The man was talking about having a
relationship
with God, not just a
religion
. “Jesus died on the cross for
your
sins…When they drove the nails into His hands and feet, He took
your
punishment.”

Tears began streaming down Raul’s face, then waves of sobs. “Jesus offers you forgiveness…you are not beyond God’s love.” Raul dropped to his knees and gave his life to Jesus. He received God’s free gift of salvation.
³⁷

With exuberant joy, Raul raced to Sharon’s church, slipping in the back door just in time to hear, “Would anyone like to make a public profession of faith?”
³⁸
Raul practically ran down the aisle. Sharon, however, was nowhere in sight. After being warmly received, Raul bounded home, eager to share the exciting news with Sharon, who had since returned. His enthusiasm was met by a door slammed in his face.

Sharon had reached a well-reasoned decision to remove her children and herself from harm’s way. Sadly, harm was personified in her husband. She was serious about establishing a boundary—and Raul knew she was serious. Raul had crossed a godly boundary. This time, it would take more than words to regain her trust.

“Raul,” she told him, after finally allowing him inside the living room, “it took me all of these years to make up my mind to leave you. And now, just when I’ve finally decided to go, you show up saying you’re born again. Don’t expect me to jump up and down with excitement, okay? To tell you the truth, I’m disappointed. I was looking forward to starting my life all over again.”
³⁹

His declarations of “I’m changed!” weren’t believed. He’d made those promises before. Raul then responded with uncharacteristic understanding. “I don’t blame you. I really don’t,” he said. “But just watch—I’m going to show you that I’m changed.”
⁴⁰

Wisely, Sharon required evidence of a changed life. She needed to see
new
attitudes and actions, not just a
temporary
change.

Indeed, there was change—Raul vacuumed the house (he had never done that before), cleaned the yard, didn’t get drunk, didn’t force Sharon to have sex, took time to read the Word, and attended church. But would this last?

About six months later, Raul got angry and grabbed Sharon’s neck. She shrieked, “See, you haven’t changed!” Immediately he dropped his hands and ran outside. Confused and alarmed by his abusive behavior, he turned to God for help. He knew this area of his life
had
to change—and soon.
⁴¹

Raul found himself reading about Paul’s persecution of the Jews before he became a believer. In Acts 9:4, Jesus appeared to Paul asking, “Why are you persecuting me?” Immediately, Raul realized that when he abused his wife, he was actually abusing Christ.

“That dramatic moment…was a major turning point,” Raul said. “Realizing that when I hurt Sharon I was actually hurting Christ was the motivation I needed to change. I wanted to please God more than anything else. Never again did I physically abuse my wife.”
⁴²

Were there new attitudes and actions? Oh, yes! And that is consistent with being a true Christian. Second Corinthians 5:17 explains, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” But what about Raul’s lifelong violent habits? Raul learned to rely on the strength of Christ and His indwelling presence. He learned to claim Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”

Today Sharon—and tens of thousands of others—are sure God truly changed Raul. He has been the pastor of a church in California with more than 12,000 members and had a vibrant church-planting ministry in South America. He also hosts an international radio broadcast and has spoken at crusades at which thousands of people have come to Christ.

Ultimately, Raul found victory over violence. And it all began when Sharon learned the blessing of boundaries. The two are now one, their home is now whole, and
both
are growing more in conformity to the character of Christ.