Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
(P
ROVERBS
15:4).
The Cost of Being Abused
• Loss of self-worth
Increased self-doubt
• Loss of self-confidence
Increased self-consciousness
• Loss of self-perception
Increased self-criticism
• Loss of happiness
Increased emotional flatness
• Loss of freedom
Increased vigilance
• Loss of inner peace
Increased peace-at-all-costs mentality
• Loss of self-assurance
Increased anxiety
• Loss of security
Increased insecurity
• Loss of trust
Increased distrust
• Loss of sexual identity
Increased sexual confusion
• Loss of a clear conscience
Increased guilt or shame
• Loss of friendship
Increased isolation
• Loss of faith
Increased fear
• Loss of safety
Increased desire to escape
• Loss of self-respect
Increased self-abasement
• Loss of optimism
Increased pessimism
• Loss of personal pride
Increased self-hatred
• Loss of hope
Increased despair
Those who suffer the damaging effects of abuse can find hope and healing as they cling to the promise of God stated by the apostle Paul:
“Those God foreknew he also predestined
to be conformed to the likeness of his Son”
(R
OMANS
8:29).
Just as there is a price for incurring pain, there is a price to be paid for inflicting pain. As with the abused, the abuser pays in ways that often escape the physical eye because the payment is extracted from the unseen soul of
the abuser—from the mind, will, and emotions—as a result of a hardened heart. Proverbs 28:14 says,
“He who hardens his heart falls into trouble.”
The Cost of Being Abusive
• Loss of self-control
Increased abusive behaviors toward wife
• Loss of clear conscience
Increased guilt, shame, and blaming others
• Loss of empathy
Increased selfishness and self-centeredness
• Loss of compassion
Increased hardness of heart toward others
• Loss of sound judgment
Increased denial and rationalization
• Loss of inner restraint
Increased anger and rage toward others
• Loss of faith
Increased fear and rebellion toward God
• Loss of self-esteem
Increased self-aggrandizement and belittling of others
• Loss of self-worth
Increased self-doubt and criticism of others
• Loss of self-respect
Increased self-loathing and disregard for others
• Loss of perception
Increased self-focus and dominance over others
• Loss of self-confidence
Increased self-consciousness and control of others
• Loss of personal pride
Increased self-abasement and abasement of others
• Loss of joy and happiness
Increased sullenness and depression
• Loss of freedom
Increased bondage to being abusive toward others
• Loss of inner peace
Increased restlessness and agitation toward others
• Loss of security
Increased insecurity and power plays
• Loss of friendship
Increased isolation and emotional withdrawal
A classic example of the cost of being an unrepentant abuser is seen in the life of the Egyptian Pharaoh, the overbearing master of the ancient Israelites. Every plague God sent to Egypt was followed by an appeal to Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. And after every appeal, Pharaoh hardened his heart and treated the Israelites even more harshly than before. Finally, Pharaoh’s hardened heart resulted in not only the death of his own son, but also the deaths of the firstborn in every house throughout his kingdom, along with the destruction of his awesome army.
The cost of being constantly abusive proved to be catastrophic for Pharaoh, and it can be equally catastrophic for abusive husbands who fall under the disciplining hand of God. The Bible says,
“Pharaoh’s heart was hard and he would not let the Israelites go,
just as the L
ORD
had said through Moses…
When Pharaoh stubbornly refused to let us [Israel] go,
the L
ORD
killed every firstborn in Egypt, both man and animal…
When Pharaoh’s horses, chariots and horsemen went into the sea,
the L
ORD
brought the waters of the sea back over them,
but the Israelites walked through the sea on dry ground”
(E
XODUS
9:35; 13:15; 15:19).
Women in third-world countries formerly had few or no options for fleeing an abusive spouse. That scenario is changing considerably with the availability of more residential shelters for battered women and children—as well as nonresidential, temporary shelters. There are also telephone hotlines devoted to helping women in crisis.
Where these options are not available, women should compile a list of “safe homes,” a network of people in the community who will provide a haven when a woman is in harm’s way. Some countries also have designated local places of worship as temporary shelters. The Bible encourages us all to…
“Seek justice, encourage the oppressed”
(I
SAIAH
1:17).
Staying with an abuser only to wait for the next violent episode is not your
only option. You have more than one viable choice. Safety should be paramount, for until a safe haven is found, you will not have the emotional stability or state of mind to make sound decisions concerning how to get help for your abusive situation and healing for your marriage.
People in abusive relationships adopt various ways of responding to their mates, but you need to know that you have a God who not only watches over you, but who also—if you take refuge in Him—will guide you in the way you should go.
“You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you”
(P
SALM
32:7-8).
Victims of domestic violence typically choose to respond to their victimizers in one of the following ways:
T
HE
O
STRICH
O
UTLOOK
The ostrich chooses to deny the situation, minimize its seriousness, or rationalize the abuser’s behavior—even to the point of self-blame. “If I just did everything right, my mate wouldn’t be this way. It’s all my fault!” This choice leads to an even greater loss of self-respect.
T
HE
M
ARTYR
M
ATE
The martyr decides to be a “silent sufferer” in a destructive relationship. This is a dangerous choice. To survive, this person must sacrifice the voice of truth in order to avoid contradicting the marriage partner and risking a violent reaction.
T
HE
P
UPPET
P
ARTNER
The puppet opts out by disowning personal feelings, denying personal anger, and living emotionally divorced. This choice also leaves the person vulnerable to potential danger. Abusive marriages do not remain static; abuse that goes unchallenged becomes increasingly violent.
T
HE
M
ERRY
-G
O
-R
OUND
M
ATE
The merry-go-rounder has already divorced several abusive marriage partners and is still looking for another partner to provide love and support. With
these choices, this person keeps going in circles. Until insight is gained into the reasons for abusive behavior and there is a willingness to take steps to protect self and children, the pattern of abuse will continue. More than likely, this person will marry yet another abuser.
T
HE
B
OUNDARY
B
UILDER
The boundary builder chooses to set healthy boundaries. Only behavior that is acceptable and nonviolent is tolerated. This positive choice offers the possibility of permanent change. This person prays for God to give the wisdom and courage necessary both to stand up to the opposition that will invariably come and also for the ability to follow through with consequences as new standards are established for the way the couple will relate to one another.
T
HE
D
EPARTING
D
OVE
The departing dove leaves—at least for a while—to demonstrate the seriousness of the abuse. This choice is an attempt to force the abusive marriage partner to either deal with the abusive behavior or to suffer the consequence of losing a mate. While the abused mate seeks personal counseling, the abusive mate also needs to get professional help. If that help is refused, the couple will remain separated from one another. The departing dove’s inner cry is…
“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest—I would flee far away and stay in the desert;
I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm’ ”
(P
SALM
55:4-8).
Allowing an Abuser to Return Prematurely
Q
UESTION
:
“I’ve helped a physically abused woman obtain a restraining order, but she allowed her husband to return home prematurely. Why did she—like so many others—allow him to come back when the violence would be repeated?”
A
NSWER
:
She will probably continue to go back to the abuser until she is convinced that…
•
She can keep the family truly safe and secure apart from the abuser.
•
She is worthy and deserving of a better life and better treatment.
Therefore, there must be a double safety net of both community services and individual support that is perceived as reliable. This means we all need to…
“speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy”
(P
ROVERBS
31:8-9).