How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (56 page)

•
Jesus escaped the murderous plots of the religious leaders.

•
The disciples of Jesus defied the mandate from the religious leaders that they stop preaching about Jesus.

•
David fled King Saul with God’s blessing. Although David was one of the king’s subjects, when Saul’s actions became violent, David escaped.

“The L
ORD
was with David but had left Saul...
Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear,
but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall.
That night David made good his escape”

(1 S
AMUEL
18:12; 19:10).

Submission

Q
UESTION
:
“Because Ephesians 5:21 teaches we are to submit to one another, isn’t leaving an abusive spouse against the teaching of the Bible?”

A
NSWER
:
The Bible teaches mutual submission in a loving relationship, not one-way submission in an abusive relationship. The specific biblical instruction to anyone around a hot-tempered, easily angered person is separation:

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man,
do not associate with one easily angered”

(P
ROVERBS
22:24).

There is an emotion associated with wife abuse that transcends all geographical boundaries and blinds women from seeing the truth about the abuse they suffer. That emotion is
false guilt
. It beguiles a woman into believing that the bruises, the slashes, the sexual violations really are all her fault, and not his.

“My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear”

(P
SALM
38:4).

Blame-shifting by the berating husband who claims his abusive actions are the result of his wife’s missteps can lead to her forming a “false guilt mind-set” if she believes his lies and accepts responsibility for his abusive actions. False guilt adds another unhealthy dynamic to the already-wounded emotions of an abused wife.

She feels guilty because of his accusations that…

— She disobeyed him.

— She was arguing with him.

— She questioned him about how he was spending money.

— She questioned him about having girlfriends.

— She didn’t prepare his meal on time.

— She wasn’t sufficiently caring for the home or the children.

— She didn’t have his clothes ready for him.

— She refused to have sex with him.

Thus, the guilt-ridden, falsely accused wife mentally and emotionally beats herself up, suffering needlessly as she says to herself, “My life is consumed by anguish” (Psalm 31:10).

How do the innocent come to bear the guilt of the guilty? Although this seems illogical, it is common among those who are continuously abused. In seeking to understand this painful phenomenon, it is helpful to define some relevant terms. As the Bible says,

“Blessed is the man [or woman] who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding”

(P
ROVERBS
3:13).

An abused woman should not feel guilt over moving out of harm’s way. Note the differences between true guilt and false:

—
True guilt
is an emotional response as a result of any wrong
attitude or action contrary to the perfect will of God—and it refers to the
fact
of being at fault.

—
True guilt
is a
fact
, not a
feeling
.
False guilt
is a self-condemning
feeling
not based on
fact
.

—
False guilt
is an emotional response of (1) self-blame even though no wrong has been committed or (2) self-blame that continues after having committed a sin even though the sin is confessed, repented of, and no longer a part of a person’s life.

The prophet Isaiah explains true guilt by saying…

“We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way”

(I
SAIAH
53:6).

False guilt keeps you in bondage to three massive weapons of destruction: shame, fear, and anger.
²⁵

1.
False guilt is based on self-condemning feelings
that you have not lived up to your expectations or the expectations of someone else.

2.
False guilt is not resolved by confession
because there is nothing to confess.

3.
False guilt is resolved by rejecting lies and believing truth.
Revelation 12:10 says that Satan is the “accuser of our brothers.” He loves to burden believers with false guilt and condemnation. Some of his favorite strategies are bringing up the past, reminding you of your failures, and making you feel unforgiven and unaccepted by God.

The apostle John describes the aim and destiny of Satan:

“The accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down”

(R
EVELATION
12:10).

Guilt and Shame

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I overcome the guilt and shame I feel as a result of
being blamed for the abusive things done to me? Did I really deserve this abuse? Was it really my fault?”

A
NSWER
:
Abusers are notorious for blaming their actions on those whom they abuse.
Blame-shifting
is a means of controlling others and breaking down any possibility of resistance.

Blame-shifting is effective with those…

— Who have a history of being abused and have been repeatedly told it is their fault

— Who believe bad things happen to only bad people, so they must be responsible for the abuse

— Who are children, for they are especially vulnerable to false guilt and shame heaped on them by those in authority over them

But the truth is…

— No one deserves abuse.

— No one makes another person sin.

— Abusers alone are responsible for their abusive acts. You are not to blame for what any abuser chooses to do.

Blame-shifters not only blame their victims but also shame them:

— Shame attacks your identity. (Guilt says, “I’ve
done
something bad,” whereas shame says, “I
am
bad.”)

— Shame does not focus on
what
you’ve done but on
who
you are.

— Shame will cause you to feel defective, which, in turn, causes a deep feeling of unworthiness and a continual fear of rejection.

— Shame belongs to the abuser alone, not to you.

Because shame attacks self-worth and produces self-loathing, it must be rooted out and replaced with a biblical view of how God sees you. It must be replaced with the truth. The psalmist says it this way:

“No one whose hope is in you [God] will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse”

(P
SALM
25:3).

Some people can’t comprehend the
whys
of abuse. “Why do husbands do it? Why do wives accept it?” Within the heart of every person are three God-given inner needs—the needs for love, significance, and security.
²⁶
At times we attempt to meet these needs illegitimately.

Abusers abuse their victims in order to
feel significant
. Those who are abused stay in abusive relationships in order to
feel secure
. To them, separation feels unbearable, or they feel terrified that the violence will escalate if they leave. God’s solution is that both the abused and the abuser look to the Lord to meet their deepest inner needs:

“The L
ORD
will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail”

(I
SAIAH
58:11).

W
RONG
B
ELIEF OF THE
A
BUSER

The abuser abuses to feel significant.

“My wife is to blame for what’s happening. I have the right to expect certain things from my marriage partner who, after all, belongs to me. If I do not control my wife, I could lose her, so I’ll do whatever it takes to remain in control.”

R
IGHT
B
ELIEF FOR THE
A
BUSER

Here is what the abuser needs to say:

“I alone am responsible for my abusive behavior and the way I respond to people and circumstances. My wife is not to blame because no matter what someone else does, I have a choice in how I treat others. Even if I lose my wife, I’ll never lose God. He is my true source of significance and promises to meet my needs.”

“My God will meet all your needs
according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:19).

W
RONG
B
ELIEF OF THE
A
BUSED

The abused accepts abuse to feel secure.

“I’m to blame for what my husband does to me. I must be doing something wrong. If I just try harder to do what he expects of me, things will get better. If I don’t do better, I could lose my husband along with my security. Or even worse, I could be killed. Pleasing my husband is my only hope for survival and security.”

R
IGHT
B
ELIEF FOR THE
A
BUSED

Here is what the abused needs to say:

“I’m not to blame for my husband’s abuse, and I have been wrong in thinking my happiness will come from a human relationship. I can choose whether or not I am willing to be around anyone who mistreats me, including my husband. Even if I lose him, as a Christian, I will never lose Jesus, who lives in me. Because the Lord promises to be my provider, I will depend on Him to meet all of my needs. The Lord is my source of security.”

“Your Maker is your husband—
the L
ORD
Almighty is his name”

(I
SAIAH
54:5).

Domestic violence does more than damage your body and disturb your thoughts. The pain goes much deeper, breaking your heart. You may feel hopeless and think,
I’ll never be able to trust anyone again
. Unfortunately, this kind of heartache cannot simply heal itself over time, and no amount of positive actions can restore your sense of significance or security after being abused by the man you loved and trusted the most. There is only One who can provide eternal security and permanent change of heart.

The Lord offers hope and healing to all who are weary and broken. His
path to healing will take time—you will not feel immediate physical safety, but God promises to give His presence, power, and protection to you. If you entrust your heart to Him, He will always walk beside you. You will never again face another day of fear, pain, or torment alone because the Lord says,

“Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the L
ORD
your God goes with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you”

(D
EUTERONOMY
31:6).

If you desire to have your three God-given needs met and know the security that lasts forever, see the appendix on pages 411-413.

His arms once sweetly embraced you, but now they swing wildly toward you. His arms once tenderly held you, but now they severely harm you. You feel devastated, distraught, devalued.

As a victim of wife abuse, you feel submerged in both physical and emotional pain. You are traumatized and terrorized by a man who fails to heed this command of God: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). The arms where you once sought protection now petrify you.

But there are other arms—strong arms opening wide to you, longing to hold you and wanting to convey your worth. To God, you are a precious lamb. He wants to lead you like a shepherd to a place of peace. Turn to Him, ask for His help, seek His wisdom about finding protection from a scheming wolf. Find refuge and rest in His loving arms.