In Japan and China tipping is out. Do not try slipping anything extra onto the bill or into their pockets as service is included.
The tip-o-meter rises to 10 per cent in Germany, India and Egypt; 10–15 per cent in the UK, Ireland and Italy. In America it is up to 20 per cent. Everywhere, except the US, you usually only tip at restaurants and in taxis. In America it’s a different story; practically every time a person says, ‘Have a nice day,’ another fistful of dollars bites the dust. But rather than resent this, budget for it; after all, every jet setter knows that ‘when in Rome . . .’
How to be jet set
A real jet-set traveller goes to countries off the beaten tracks. The seven wonders of the ancient world might have included the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and the Great Pyramid of Giza, but you should compile your own list of wonders.
These might include:
Paying homage to Elvis at Graceland.
Drinking cocktails in the Hemingway Bar in the Ritz Hotel, Paris.
Passing under the Bridge of Sighs on a Venetian gondola.
Successfully hiring a vaporetto at the Venice Film Festival.
Being served a Caesar salad at the Carlton, during the Cannes Film Festival.
Rolling your own cigar in Cuba.
Going up the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day.
Having tea at Claridges at the far secluded table.
Gambling in Las Vegas.
Throwing a coin in the fountains in Rome.
Paddling in the sea at Brighton.
Going to Red Square in Moscow.
Climbing to the top of St Paul’s Cathedral.
Dancing at Rio Carnival.
Seeing in the New Year under Big Ben.
Buying tulips in Amsterdam.
Building a sandcastle in the Bahamas.
Watching a cabaret in Berlin.
Walking along the Great Wall of China.
Swimming along the Great Barrier Reef.
Surviving Delhi belly.
Being the first to discover something wonderful.
How to Prevent Motoring Horrors
‘Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. It said, “Parking Fine”’
Tommy Cooper
How to learn to drive
‘There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love’
Stirling Moss
When behind the wheel think more Daisy Duke than
Driving Miss Daisy
. What car you drive says a lot about you, how successful you or your partner are, and what stage of life you are at. But really, boys worry about this far more than is necessary; your prime concern is that it runs, all the tyres look healthy and full, there is enough petrol to get you from A to B, and there is a nice easy parking space waiting for you when you get there. If you have reached the dizzying heights of going to a petrol station to refuel it must be assumed that:
a) You have passed your driving test.
b) You have a car.
If you have answered NO to question a) you need to go and get lessons immediately.
Driving is a vital skill that everyone should have in their repertoire, and the later you leave it, the harder and worse it is. A bit like the measles. Book driving lessons, either through BSM, or google yourself the local variety.
Traditionally this is what you should do when you turn seventeen years old, so if you have left it much later perhaps you should invest in an intense course in a village where no one will see it is you with the L-plates. If you are over eighteen, take comfort: Kate Moss, the embodiment of perfection, did not pass her test till she was twenty-seven years old.
Note: however cute your boyfriend is, NEVER get lessons from someone you want to remain friends with.
The next decision you have to make is whether you will be driving a manual (operated by you changing gears with the gear stick) or an automatic (token gear stick that you move only once when you turn the engine on – the rest is done for you, and all you do is steer, accelerate and brake).
It is better to learn to drive on a manual, as this is the more complex of the two, and if you can drive this you can drive the other; but if you learn on an automatic you have to take a separate test before you can drive a manual.
Before you even put your keys in the ignition you have to have a provisional licence and learn your Highway Code, for the theory test. Get a copy of the Highway Code and start prepping; this should be the last thing you read at night, and the first thing you study in the morning.
It will be just like cramming for an exam again. There are two parts to passing your test, but don’t worry – once you have passed the theory test you have the certificate for keeps no matter how you fare in the practical. If it takes nine times to pass on the driving, so be it: you don’t have to retake the theory each time.
The two most important things when driving are that you wear a seatbelt and that you wear soft thin-soled flat shoes, ‘driving’ shoes. As with many things, practice makes perfect – but it is a known fact that women are better drivers. Not only are they more rational, they are more safety conscious and they get lower insurance rates to reflect this.
How to get moving
Take the car keys and approach the vehicle. If you are learning, it is best to opt for ‘friendly’ cars such as a Renault Clio or a Ford KA, something that is small and helpful. A Porsche or Ferrari isn’t very good for beginners. When driving with L-plates you must only drive with a conscious and willing licensed driver in the front passenger seat. Locate the steering wheel, and get in this side so you are seated behind it. Ahha! You may mock, but this is not as simple as you think. In the US, France, Germany, Italy, it is on the LEFT, while in the UK and Japan it is on the RIGHT. In group one (left-hand side) you drive on the RIGHT side of the road, while in group two you drive on the LEFT.
Then, assuming you have mastered the Highway Code, it is time to turn the ignition on, with your teacher present.
In the early stages get your driving instructor/glutton for punishment to take you to a deserted car park, industrial estate or somewhere where you are really
really
unlikely to encounter any other moving traffic. Get them to explain the basic car stuff that you need to know, and what switch does what. Turn key in the ignition, engine on, deep breath, foot down on clutch, gear from neutral to first, handbrake off, then ease left foot off the clutch and right gently down on the accelerator pedal. This is when you start moving. BUT, if you feel this is moving too fast, get them to explain the workings of a car to you to stall the set-off; and before moving make sure you know where and how to use the seatbelt, clutch, brake, accelerator, handbrake, indicator, lights, horn and windscreen wipers.
Knowing which side of the road to drive on
It is not another eccentric quirk of the British, no, a quarter of the world drive on the left-hand side. America and all the British colonies started on the left, even if many later moved to the right.
The British do get a bad rap for driving on the left-hand side, and for making all their colonies do so – but they had history, heritage and tradition on their side. Jousting knights kept their lances under their right arm, and traditionally gentlemen walked on the left-hand side of the road with their sword arm, the right arm, able to be between the lady and danger. The same is true of the Japanese Samurai warriors, and the Japanese have maintained a left-hand-side drive in honour of this.
Even if you’re not driving it’s useful to know which side of the road a country favours as it makes road-crossing much less dangerous.
Popular left sides
: Australia, Bahamas, Cyprus, Falkland Islands, Guernsey, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Japan, Jersey, Maldives, Malta, Nepal, United Kingdom.
And right sides
: Afghanistan, Argentina, Belgium, Bosnia, Canada, Cuba, Denmark, Egypt, Ethiopia, Finland, France, Greece, Iraq, Italy, Kuwait, Morocco, United States, Vietnam.
The last left-hand-side country to go to the right was Sweden, on 3 September 1967.
There is one exception to the left-hand-drive rule in the UK, and this is Savoy Court in London. On the driveway leading to the hotel, the cars need to drive on the right so that ladies in fancy gowns can get out of cars without being rained on.
Sensible as it would be for us all to be united on one side (of the road) the cost would be in the billions and is therefore far too pricey to entertain.
How to mirror, signal, make-up, manoeuvre
Clearly a car was designed for a woman: there are mirrors everywhere! You will have a wing mirror on either side of the bonnet of the car, a mirror in the fold-down sun shield and a large rectangular ‘rear-view mirror’ which is so important it is the focal point of the car. This is stuck onto the front windscreen, above the dashboard, and as well as showing you what is happening on the road behind you, it is a mirror made for lipstick application and eyeliner top-ups.
Get in the driving seat, buckle up, key in ignition, and adjust the mirror. The r-v-m should be angled so a side-glance gives you a complete view of any overtakers and talent in the car behind, without you constantly having to look over your shoulder. This really does give you eyes in the back of your head. So carefully tilt the mirror to make sure that you get it to the optimum angle, check your fringe, eyebrows and eye make-up and you are ready.
Red lights are deliberately timed to give you enough of a pause to freshen up your lipstick. Do not be put off or rushed by honking beeps; if they rush you they will only have to wait longer while you repair, and they are only doing it to attract your attention. You already have theirs.
Never apply make-up while moving; not only is this extremely dangerous, but it is very tricky especially with deep colours.
The r-v-m is also great to do a last-minute check to see if any lipstick has strayed to your teeth, and the overhead visor mirror is great to tell you the honest truth on whether or not it is time to get those roots seen to.
Glove compartments should always have a stash of tissues, a map, a bottle of perfume, clear lip-gloss, comb and packet of mints.
How to use a mobile when driving
‘I like to drive with my knees. Otherwise, how can I put on my lipstick and talk on the phone?’
Sharon Stone
It is worth noting straight away that this is not only silly, but it is illegal. Naughty Sharon. Illegal unless you have a hands-free kit. It is true that long car journeys are boring, and a nice little chat could make the time pass more pleasurably, but you can only do this hands free. It is best to invest in ones that garages install for you – as with the hands-free-cum-Walkman-like earpiece it is almost impossible to hear and be heard.
As stupid as you may look talking on a hands free (talking to yourself is the first official sign of madness), it is a safety must, and will ultimately look much better than having an accident. Mobiles are essential for car journeys when breakdowns, emotional as well as mechanical, require back-up, but by far the best option is to switch them off until the engine is off.
How to be PC at BP
If you have made it to a petrol station you are now an official part of the motoring community. Petrol stations are beauty salons for cars. They have petrol and car washes for them, magazines, coffee and cash points for you.
First rule: You must not use your mobile here; it’s a bit like being on an aeroplane. Some terrible spark could cause everything to blow. Now is not a good time for a cigarette break.
Second: What side is the flap that you need to lift to get the petrol in the car? Might be worth checking this out as you get in the car, as it can be very tricky if your pump is on the other side of your flap and you have to stretch the thing over the rear of the car.
Once you have ascertained this information you need to decide if you are going to fill it up with Unleaded, Leaded, Diesel and so on. Select the appropriate pump and proceed. Be sure to choose the right petrol for your car – you should have been told this when you got it, so make a note; if you fill your car with the wrong petrol it will have the equivalent of an allergic reaction and you will have to get it pumped out. Best avoided.
In the UK the majority of service stations are self-service. This means you have to do it yourself. Park alongside pump, turn off ignition and get out of the car. Pop open the petrol cap. Great if you can slip on a pair of heeled slingbacks to do the job in, but if not, ad lib with generous wiggle, open up the petrol hole in the car (usually on a rear wing), and then go over to the pump. Pull pump, insert nozzle into said hole and squeeze until either full, or has got to required price. It is a skill like icing your name on a cake to squeeze and ease the petrol to the exact pound.
Replace pump, twist lid back on car, and waltz in to pay.
Sometimes you need to know what your registration is, so try to park somewhere where you can read it off – if not, hope that you only need to know the number pump you have been pumping . . .
And then that is it: another job well done. If you are enjoying yourself here you can also check your oil and that your tyres are pumped up, but don’t bring your lilo over to be blown up here, the pressure is too great and it will explode.
How to occupy yourself while at the car wash
While you are at the petrol station you may as well get your car washed. And no, there is no point in doing it yourself, it simply gets you all wet and soapy. Select the wax, the dry and go the full Monty. Once you are captive there is no escaping.
It’s the ideal time to do a quick outfit change from work to evening. With the brushes spinning past people will only get flashes of what is going on inside the car, so you may as well make it exciting. Do not have an argument with anyone in your car whilst in the car wash as you will not be able to escape; doors as well as windows have to remain tightly shut throughout the procedure.