Slowly and easily nudge backwards till your back door is in the space, then brake and turn hard in the other direction, and ease back again. Then you should be mostly in the damn space so you can shuffle backwards and forwards. There are no prizes for speed. Sometimes you can get a hole in one, others it requires precision and patience. You just do it your way and it will line up fine. A similar thing applies to parking in a multi-storey car park; every single floor has lifts to the ground floor, as well as stairs, so there is no harm going round and round till you pass a space that is acceptable for you just to slide into. If a space seems too tight, leave it to Mr Thin or Mr Boy Racer. Multi-storey car parks are convenient, and they cost a fortune, so at least shop around till you get a good fit, and roll in nose first – only show-offs reverse in, and you need to have easy access to the boot for your shopping anyway.
How to get out of a car in a short skirt
‘When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife’
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
London black cabs and proper limousines are the most micromini-skirt-friendly vehicles to travel in. As you slide off the seat, smooth skirt down, swivel and step out, dignity intact. Land Rovers and vehicles that involve climbing to enter and exit are ideal for showing off legs, but also risk showing off a lot more too.
Fortunately there is a way of getting out of a car, no matter how low the car or short the skirt, and leaving something to the imagination.
Take seatbelt off, check shoes are on, lipstick and hair in place, skirt not round waist and then open the door.
Knees together, swivel legs to side-facing exit, with your back to the handbrake.
Stretch leg nearest the door out of vehicle, lightly resting the hand of your opposite arm over your dignity. Try to keep knees together.
Using your other arm (the one on the same side as stretched leg), pull your body out of vehicle with slide and glide.
Curl head and shoulders forward, so you’re concealed from hidden paparazzi, as you come up to stand.
Stretch other leg out and over so you are standing.
Smooth skirt, what little of it there is.
Shut door and walk away.
Other means of transport worth mastering include
Motorcycle and side car, moped, tandem, bicycle, sedan chair, horse and carriage, piggy-back, rollerblades, skateboard, skis, tram, train, elephant, hot air balloon, rowing boat, camel, gondola, glider, bus, coach, tightrope.
How to Stay in Credit
‘’Cos we are living in a material world And I am a material girl . . .’
Madonna
, ‘Material Girl’
There is no point denying it, money is an essential commodity to make the world go round. You not only need to know how to make it, but how to keep hold of it, how to spend it, and what to do if you lose it. Money brings responsibility as well as the highs and lows. Don’t bank on winning the lottery; this is as likely as arriving at Manolo and finding a ‘one day only 100 per cent discount sale’ in your size only. Far better to plan ahead, save for a rainy day and look a million dollars on a dime.
Consider this, have you:
a) Bought the winning lottery ticket recently or know anyone who has?
b) Got a fabulously generous wealthy relative or a doting other half whose only pleasure is to lavish gifts on you? (Note: the latter are quite hard to find.)
c) Inherited a fortune or robbed a bank?
d) None of the above, and, to quote Dolly Parton, are ‘working nine to five what a way to make a living’, and have very little to show for it?
Being a gold-digger or a criminal are both OUT and gambling is unreliable. You need to know how to manage your money.
How to look responsible with money
Looking is one thing, being is altogether another game. When asking for a loan, visiting your bank manager or going to a money-borrowing meeting you need to look responsible with money.
Always aim to have your own funds. However attractive a joint bank account may seem, you need to maintain an air of independence for those rainy days when only a splurge can revive your spirits.
As appealing as it may seem, marrying a millionaire is not the modern girl’s answer to life-long happiness.
How to be an independent woman
Destiny’s Child’s anthem ‘Independent Women’ is a great mantra to live by, and it will make you all the more attractive, and feel all the more invincible. Other songs worth learning the words for and belting out as theme tunes include Abba’s ‘Money Money Money’, Madonna’s ‘Material Girl’, Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend’. Dance moves are an added bonus.
But remember the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger: ‘Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.’ There are more important things, and there are a whole host of other songs to sing for this.
How to justify a pair of heels each month
Whatever the internal turmoil and financial crisis you are weathering you must never let standards slip, they need to be kept high, and preferably on heels. When hitting hard times it is customary to throw on a ‘victim’ look. This is not an option. Appearances are everything and you only get one chance to make a first impression, so make sure you always make the right one.
Never leave home shabby and unkempt, because if you don’t care why should anyone else? The worse the situation the higher the heels should be.
a) Walking in heels will enhance your concentration, making your thinking clearer and speeding a solution to your woes. Tick money saved on therapy and an increased sense of emotional well-being (worth a fortune).
b) Heels, in the greater scheme of things, are an economic investment as cheap shoes last such a short time that their healing effect is limited and you only have to go and buy more.
c) Heels lift spirits as well as bums, and tone thighs. Plastic surgery and therapy in a footstep. A decent enough pair of heels can be equal to a weekly gym workout, a pay rise with a bigger office, and can also lead to lavishing of gifts, dinners, drinks, theatre trips and so on. A real entertainment and health investment.
Look at like this and you can justify
more
than one pair a month.
How to explain why taxis are economic
Sometimes you simply cannot take another step.
When this happens, and the balls of your feet feel like you are walking on knives, there is only one word that will ease the pain. TAXI.
Taxis minimise the amount of walking time, tricky street manoeuvres, and the need to carry a larger bag with driving shoes. How can you possibly be expected to think on your feet if you are wearing something as comfortable as a cheese cutter?
How to spend wisely on Christmas gifts
Christmas shopping can begin as early as you choose. The key things to know are what they like, where to get it, and your budget. The longer you give yourself, the lower your blood pressure will be in December. You should be carol singing on Christmas Eve, not doing battle in a department store. Forward planning is also the key to finding the perfect present, and helps in spreading the cost so you have a kitty for the January sales. After all, ‘money is like muck, not good except it be spread,’ said Francis Bacon.
Relatives’ and token gifts, as well as cards, can often be picked up months in advance. By the time Christmas comes around
no one
will remember they are from seasons past. Just store them away somewhere safe for eleven months. Gauge the success of your last gift to know if you can do a repeat on a theme, or if it is back to the old drawing board.
You should constantly be on the lookout for great gifts; if travelling see if there is anything unique that you can pick up, or indeed in Duty Free. Is it worth popping over to NYC to get a whole stash of bargains there?
How to get the most from the January sales
Forget Christmas, January is when the
real
credit card action happens. Limber up to the New Year event. A seasoned pro will start staking out the stores early in November. Try styles on pre-Christmas and sales rush. Learn what styles suit you, and which scare you. Get acquainted with the store layout, although this often changes in sale time, just to slow the regulars down a notch. Try to ‘befriend’ the staff, find out when the sale is due to start, and if you can get invited to a preview date.
On sale day there is no time for friends. Go alone, and stay focused – this is no time for indecision. Have you got a particular piece in mind, or are you searching for ‘the perfect jacket’? If it is a particular piece, get there early; no prizes for second place. Find target as fast as possible, check size and reduction, purchase.
Do not try stuff on in sales, it wastes valuable bargain-hunting time. Likewise, do not suffer false economy and get spontaneous or crazy creative. Despite the price you only need one pair of hot pants, if any, and there is no point purchasing something today that will be in your Oxfam donation pile tomorrow.
Department stores in sales are worth watching, and sometimes it’s worth risking holding out for the last week, for super-duper reductions. Harvey Nichols will test to see if you have nerves of steel as you wait for first, then second and third reductions, and gamble on the Proenza Schouler jacket disappearing from the rails completely, despite the homing signal you had locked on it. For more specialised places, such as Manolo Blahnik, it is only worth going on the first day, and, in reality, being in the first ten. Swallow your pride, get competitive; bargains need commitment and earlier queuers get bigger prizes.
Another chic idea is to find out when the sales are on in the other fashion capitals of the world (Paris, New York and Milan). Plan a trip there, or get a business trip to coincide with the dates, and get bargains that only the locals would know the value of.
Remember that the trick of sales is to know what you want, your size and what suits you. Chances are that if there is a whole rail of red velvet Santa suits that have been un-purchased, it’s for a reason – there is a lot of crap that looks good on no one.
How to be economic
‘Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache’
Mae West
There are ways to reduce your costs, but not your standard of living.
Learning to hand wash, steam and rotate red carpet looks can reduce dry-cleaning bills.
Answering your phone when it rings avoids you having to call everyone back, so get caller ID and minimise your bill.
Is there any way you can get public transport? Even half the way? If not, is there anyone who could enjoy your company in return for a lift in their car?
Encourage suitors to send weekly bouquets of flowers, and more if they feel they must, as fresh flowers lift every home. Alternatively try growing your own blooms if admirers seem thin on the ground.
Have evenings when you dine at home, in front of the television. Being elusive and unavailable is not only economic, it is a way of making you seem far more glamorous. Weigh up the cost of an evening with how much you want to go. Never accept every invitation.
Can you work in an office? If so, you can use their phone and office facilities for free, and stock up on stationery, social life and so forth.
Visit a department store on your way out and freshen up with the latest sample of perfume; or if you have some time, get the make-up counter to apply their latest shade, under strict supervision.
Get an expense account, share cabs, or indeed find a knight in shining armour.
How to cope with poverty
‘Like dear St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to poverty, but in my case the marriage is not a success’
Oscar Wilde
Oh woe is you. There will be times when, through no fault of your own, you are poor. Flat broke. Have overspent.
Best ways to cope with this are to tighten the belt and get your financial organisation into play.
If you are aware that you are about to reach danger levels, perhaps take steps before you hit crisis point. But if it sneaks up on you by surprise, here are the easiest ways to deal with it.
List all your outgoing expenses (bills, meals out, in, shopping, travel and so forth).
Write down all your monthly incoming funds. Do they tally? Are you in profit? Do you break even? Good grief, is it time to start doing extra babysitting again? Are there any outstanding payments owed to you? And can you cover all your outgoings and account for them all?
Direct debits are a great, and easy, way to pay but keep an eye on them. At times like this do you still want to be giving colour blind cats in Cambodia £50 every month?
Is there anyone who could lend you some money? I know Shakespeare said, ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be,’ but desperate times call for desperate measures. Try not to find a Shylock. Are there any favours you could call in or anyone who owes you? Think family? Friend? Or, if desperate, you could always loan something to a pawnbroker. Be very
very
wary of going to loan sharks – they have this name for a reason – and the interest rates they charge tend to be extortionate. Could you have a spring clean? Are there any trinkets or any past fashion triumphs that you could bear to part with and sell on eBay?
Stay in, and cut down on meals out, taxis and two-hour calls on your mobile.
Get friends to take pity on you and take you out – this will also shed light on who your real friends are. The poverty week would also be a good week to accept any work lunches, dinner parties (providing transport is included) and blind dates (dinner only, obviously; things are not
that
desperate).
Call the bank. Reassuring them everything will be okay will help you deal with the crisis head-on. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Go to the library to browse and borrow, rather than buy. You don’t want to get cabin fever so go window-shopping – there is no fee to try stuff on – and put the perfect little black dress on hold.