Authors: Lisa Wilde
Henry didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. He was still floored by all that Ryan had been willing to share in his own disjointed way.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, anything.”
“What have you done? I mean not that it matters. I’m just being nosy, I guess. You don’t have to tell me.”
“Henry, relax, breathe. It’s okay. It’s not nosy, I don’t mind telling you. If we’re going to be together, then I want to be totally honest.”
Henry nodded at him.
“Let’s see, I’ve done poppers, ecstasy, GHB, molly, coke. I only did GHB and molly a few times. But I used a lot of cocaine and poppers and E.”
Henry didn’t respond and Ryan continued.
“I’ve tried Viagra and Cialis.” Ryan looked embarrassed.
Henry had to ask, “How was that?”
“It was…an experience. They work, let’s just leave it at that.”
“Fair enough. Anything else?”
“Weed, although I don’t count it as a drug. To be honest I can go to a million meetings and hear a million stories but I will never give up weed. At least I don’t see myself doing that.”
“Is that a problem for you?”
“No, I’ve never had a problem with it. Except when it’s in my brownies.”
Ryan blushed, “Yeah, that’s not good. The only other things are pain pills and Xanax and Adderall.”
“What are poppers like?”
Ryan looked surprised at that question and Henry wasn’t sure why he had asked it. The other drugs he was more familiar with, he was just curious.
“Well it’s like there’s this rush. Your heart is beating faster and your muscles get all relaxed. It makes you light-headed, but it doesn’t last long.”
“Why do it if it doesn’t last long?”
“That, I can’t answer.” Ryan said giving a shake of his head. “I’m still trying to figure why I did most of the shit I did.”
“Ryan, thanks for telling me all that. Just so you know, I can’t really say much. I knew it was worse than you were letting on, but I chose to turn a blind eye.”
“Why?”
“Because...”
“Because?” Ryan moved a little closer.
“Because I wanted you any way that I could have you.” Henry turned his head to the side; that was humiliating and sounded so desperate.
“Wow. Henry, look at me.” Ryan had to physically turn his head. When they were eye to eye again, Ryan kissed him, a soft, light peck on the mouth. Pulling back he asked, “Do you still want me?”
It was Henry’s turn to silently nod.
“I mean, like long-term. I’m here now and I’m in such a better place, I swear it.”
“I believe you.”
“Long-term?”
“I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Since you’re telling me everything, I guess I owe you the same.” Henry told him, blowing out a deep breath.
“You don’t have to.”
“Yes, I really do. So much has happened. If you can do it, so can I.” Henry gave him a shaky smile.
“All right, well, can you stay? Can we get comfortable first?”
“I’d like that.”
They both got up and while Henry went to the bathroom, Ryan went to the bedroom to change. When he came out wearing some jersey pajama bottoms, he was holding another pair in his hand. “Here, thought you could throw these on.” He tossed them to Henry.
“Thanks,” Henry said. He didn’t bother to go back into the bathroom to change. He just pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on a bar stool, then his pants followed. He looked up at Ryan as he pulled on the new pants. He watched Ryan’s throat work, if he didn’t start talking right away he might not get to it at all.
“Hungry?” Ryan asked him.
“Nope.”
Ryan nodded and walked to the sofa, Henry followed. Ryan motioned for him to sit and then Ryan sat on his lap sideways. Henry wrapped one arm around his back and one over his lap. This felt so good, he felt comfortable and ready to say what he had never said out loud to another person before. Sure, Annie and Pat and now his mother knew pieces, but not everything. Ryan put his head against the side of Henry’s neck and adjusted his position so that he was curled up in his lap.
“Let me start by saying that I have always tried to do the right thing. That’s why I was always running, but what I realized while we were apart is that you
are
the right thing, Ryan.”
Ryan looked up at him for a beat before resting his head again. Henry continued,
“I’m going to tell you a story I’ve never told anyone. It wasn’t until recently, while you were gone, that I found out some of my family knew things. Things I thought no one knew and now they know more. But anyway, I’ll get to that.” Henry took a deep breath, his grip on Ryan tightening. “One day after baseball practice, I was walking home with a friend from the team, Tommy. His house was on the way to mine. When he got there, he realized that he was locked out so I told him to come with me. When we got to my house, no one was home, so we grabbed a snack and went up to my room…” It was as if Henry was transported, it didn’t feel like he was telling the story so much as he was reliving it.
“Oh man, I love Stained, ‘It’s Been Awhile’ is my favorite song by far, though.” Henry watched Tommy turn it up and press a button to make the song play on repeat.
“Did you know they’re from Springfield?”
“No, I didn’t know that, cool.”
“Yeah, Aaron Lewis has such a hot voice.”
Henry wrinkled his nose and cocked his head.
“What, what did I say?” Tommy asked.
He appeared as confused as Henry felt. Henry scratched his head. “Nothing I guess. I mean, you said Aaron Lewis has a hot voice.”
Tommy’s eyebrows rose. “Well…yeah, I mean I do think his voice is hot, I guess.” Tommy’s jaw appeared to tighten and he was tugging his ear, looking everywhere but at Henry.
“Look man, we’re cool. It’s whatever. You know I would never tell your business, right?” Henry tried to sound reassuring, however he was feeling flustered. He was sure that it was coming through in his tone.
“There’s no business to tell, Henry.” Tommy seemed defensive.
Henry waved a hand in front of his face and shook his head. “I’m not saying there is, Tommy. I’m just telling you that if there was, I wouldn’t be the one to sell you out. That’s all.”
Tommy stood where he was for a moment longer and then went to sit next to Henry on the bed. Henry folded his arms over his chest and crossed his ankles when Tommy sat down. The move did not go unnoticed.
Tommy sighed and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Bowed his head, “Maybe I should go see if anyone’s home at my house yet.” Tommy’s words contradicted his actions. He held his position, only turning his head to the side to look Henry directly in the eyes. Henry ran a finger across his eyebrow. “You don’t have to leave.” Henry said and his voice wavered.
They sat like that long enough for the song to start from the beginning again. Tommy leaned back and cleared his throat. Henry watched him with the eyes of a hawk, not moving a muscle. Tommy leaned toward him. Henry pulled back, but he didn’t break eye contact. He didn’t seem to deter Tommy as much as he thought the move would. Henry also didn’t throw his hands up to push Tommy away. Didn’t jump up and yell at him, or throw him out of his house.
Tommy stared at him and shifted his hand from his own lap into Henry’s. Henry shuddered and closed his eyes. He still didn’t push Tommy away, though. Tommy began to rub Henry’s dick through his nylon baseball pants; eliciting a groan from him. Henry unlocked his ankles and spread his feet slightly apart to rest flat on the floor. After a few tortuous minutes of stroking, Henry became more pliant and leaned back to rest his hands on the bed behind him. Tommy took him by the left wrist and placed Henry’s hand in his own lap. Henry’s eyes opened and he froze. He had never let another dude touch him. And he had never touched another dude himself. Now he was letting Tommy Dalton, his teammate, rub his dick and had his hand sitting limp on Tommy’s hard dick. Tommy gave Henry a squeeze and then began stroking him again. Not saying a word. Two strokes were all it took to pull Henry into the moment. He started by rubbing Tommy with an open palm, nervously licking his lips. He wanted to grip Tommy the same way that he was being held but his hand was shaking too bad. Tommy leaned toward him again. But rather than go for Henry’s mouth, he descended on the nape of his neck. As soon as the wet heat of his tongue pressed against Henry’s skin, he was lost. He took a firm hold of Tommy and began to massage him, trying to match Tommy’s rhythm.
The volume of their combined noises began to match that of the music, the same song playing over and over. Tommy released him, causing Henry to open his eyes and break the euphoric state that he was in. Once his eyes were open, he could have sworn that he saw a shadow pass by the small space where the door had not closed all the way. But when Tommy fingers crept up to the waistband of Henry’s pants, the observation slipped to the back of his mind. Tommy scraped his fingertips against the coarse hair at the top of Henry’s groin and dipped his hand lower into the pants.
“Henry.” Tommy’s voice was no more than a whisper but it sounded hoarse and pleading.
Before Henry could respond he heard a loud gasp and his eyes flew open. His father stood in the doorway. His face was redder than Henry had ever seen. He had one hand fisted at his side and the other gripping the door handle hard enough to make the knuckles white.
Tommy pulled back, visibly shaken. They both sat up straight and stared at Henry’s father, waiting for what was to come. But Pat Hayes Sr. staggered backward out of the room and turned down the hallway. Henry could hear his feet pounding down the staircase.
Tommy jumped up and grabbed his bag. “I am so sorry, Henry. I need to go. I’m so sorry.”
And then he was gone. Henry sat there on the bed long enough for the song to play at least three more times. Waiting for his father to come back and go off on him. But he didn’t. Henry finally stood up, running his hands up and down his thighs. He began to cry. The thought of disappointing his father was sickening. He almost wished that he would just come back and freak out on him. Henry paced the room for a few minutes before taking off out of the house. Not stopping when he got down the stairs to see if anyone was there. He took off out the door and began to run.
Henry’s trance was broken when he heard Ryan say his name. He could feel that his cheeks were wet, but he didn’t do anything about it. He had a death grip on Ryan’s waist. But Ryan didn’t complain.
“Finish,” was all Ryan said.
Henry swallowed around the lump in his throat. “It was late when I started to walked back home. I’d run for a long time. I only stopped to catch my breath a few times. I ended up miles away from my house, in a park. I sat there for hours. I was so exhausted. I remember my throat being so parched from running and crying. I didn’t care though. By the time I reached my house, the burn in my throat was fierce. All I could hope for was a glass of water before facing my father. When I sneaked in the back door though, my sister Annie was sitting at the kitchen table. It was obvious that she had been crying. A friend of hers from school was there with her, she was rubbing Annie’s back. Annie jumped up when she saw me; she ran over and wrapped her arms around me. Then she started to cry again. I didn’t hug her back, I was so confused. After a minute she smacked me on the arm. “Henry, where the hell have you been? It’s dad, he had a stroke. He’s in the hospital. Ma made me come back here to wait for you.”
I just stood there, horrified by what she had just said. Annie snapped her fingers in my face. “Henry did you hear me, damn it. I said we have to go, now!” She grabbed me by the front of my baseball jersey; I had never gotten a chance to change. In the car on the way to the hospital, all I could do was replay what had happened earlier. The look on Pop’s face. What I did caused this. I may have cost my father his life. I could never forgive myself, even though I was raised Catholic, I was never particularly a religious person. But at that moment I said a prayer to God, begging him to make things okay. To save my Pop, then I would do whatever it took to make things better. Make my father proud.”
“Fuck, Henry. That’s horrible. But you can’t blame yourself for that. You know, there must be-”
Henry cut him off by putting a finger over his lips. “I know. I talked to my mother. There’s more, but I just can’t right now.”
“Okay, that’s all right,” Ryan climbed out of his lap and held out a hand, “Let’s go lie down.”
Henry put his hand in Ryan’s and they walked to the bedroom. He felt the tenuous hold he had on what remained of his strength begin to slip. He was exhausted; so much had happened in such a short amount of time. So many secrets, which he’d held onto for so many years, all out there. It wasn’t over either, only a few people knew some or all of it. How much would he have to keep reliving until he could start fresh? No more explaining, no more tears. That reality seemed so far away.
That night, Ryan comforted him, in the best ways possible. When he fell asleep it was to the beat of Ryan’s heart thrumming in his ear, as Ryan held him tight. Whatever else was to come, it would work out. He had Ryan here, he had begun to open up to his family. There was nowhere to go but forward.