Authors: Lisa Wilde
So Ryan traveled, he wasn’t living here in Boston. That made Henry feel a bit dejected although he couldn’t comprehend why. He would never approach the man. How humiliating would that be? It was bad enough that he was stalking him online and was willing to go to his show and watch him like a creeper.
Once the transaction was complete, he scooped up the laptop and beer and headed for the living room. Flopping down on the sofa, he stared at the confirmation number on the screen. “What the fuck did I do that for?” Henry said aloud.
Henry typed Ryan’s name into the search bar. His finger lingered over the enter button. He already knew that he wasn’t going to get over this night anytime soon. Did he really want to make it worse for himself?
He closed the laptop and dropped it on the sofa beside him. Chugging his beer and watching the computer as if it was going to magically open up on its own. Nope, he wasn’t going to make it any worse. It couldn’t get any worse than buying the ticket he supposed. Leaving the laptop where it was, he grabbed a third beer and headed for the shower.
It was going to be a long night, thoughts of Ryan Mallory consumed him.
Déjà vu.
~~~~~
Henry slept in the next day; he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, as predicted. He was awake most of the night alternating between playing out
what if scenarios
in his mind and jerking off. He had apparently been trying for a world record. He had never been able to
perform
that much, alone or with someone else in such a short period of time.
Henry filled the day with mindless chores and avoiding messages from Jackie. He did reply to one message saying that he had some things to get done and wouldn’t be around. But in true Jackie fashion she wanted to know what they were and if she could go with him. He never responded. . Fully expecting Jackie to show up on his door step, he was surprised that by late afternoon that he hadn’t heard the buzzer ringing. Around dinner time, he began to get ready for the show. He dressed casual in a pair of khakis, a dark green tee and black cardigan sweater. He debated putting some product in his hair that Jackie insisted he have for date nights but after holding the bottle in his hand and getting a whiff of the scented liquid he threw it back under the cabinet. It smelled awful, and he didn’t like how it made his hair feel anyway.
Dinner consisted of a turkey sandwich and half a six pack of Sam Adams. The beer did nothing to calm his nerves. He had no idea what the hell he was doing or why he was doing it. Just the idea of seeing Ryan again had him in knots; the idea of actually approaching him was something else entirely.
When Henry arrived at the theater, there was a decent crowd lingering out front. He checked the time on his phone. About twenty minutes until the show started. He paced the sidewalk the entire time as the swarm of people out front started to diminish. Henry had his ticket at will call. He waited outside until the very last minute before going to pick it up. When he took his seat the show had already started, though Ryan hadn’t come on yet. Henry sat, bouncing his leg and chewing his finger nail, until finally the lighting dimmed. The music changed to
October
and there he was, descending from the ceiling. All of Henry’s anxious actions stopped. He was still and mesmerized, never taking his eyes off Ryan. Taking him all in, knowing this was most likely the last time he would see the man.
T
HE ALARM on Ryan’s phone was blaring. He jumped up, nearly falling off the bed. He caught himself though and rubbed his eyes enough to motivate the lids to open. When he looked down he realized the phone had been on the pillow, which explained why it had sounded like the noise was coming from inside his brain. He picked it up and noticed the time.
Shit!
He was already supposed to be at the studio to rehearse. Leaping off the bed, he made a beeline for the bathroom to take a piss and get a quick shower. Trying to be as efficient as possible he skipped the toilet and just got in the shower. He was only in there long enough to piss, wash his hair and body and get out. The water had barely warmed before he was turning it off. Running back to his bedroom, he threw on some sweat pants, a tank top, and his favorite Northeastern hoodie. He didn’t bother to wake his sleeping boyfriend, who would have bitten Ryan’s head off if he did. He grabbed his phone and back bag before leaving the room again in search of his Chuck Taylors and keys.
Ryan walked to the train station from his Harlem apartment. It was rent-controlled and actually his roommate’s place first. Technically it was his roommate’s uncle’s place. Jess was a kid he’d met through mutual friends. He worked at an off Broadway theater in the box office and was an aspiring actor. When he wasn’t working, he was on auditions. Nice guy, they didn’t hang out that much, but had no issues as far as sharing space was concerned.
The sandy brown brick building had seen better days. All the inclement weather recently made the building look older than it was. He wasn’t concerned with the outer appearance. The five story walk up was a reasonable walking distance from the subway. He could walk to what New Yorkers called the iron horse and reach his destination in approximately thirty minutes. There was a reason it was known as the "city that never sleeps,” folks were always in a rush. He shot Cameron a text letting him know he would see him later. He desperately wanted to stop for a coffee but he was already so late. Ryan pulled his knit cap down tighter on his still wet hair, and flipped the collar up on his pea coat. He’d left his scarf and gloves home and it was bitter cold, despite the sun being out. Looking at the time on his phone he picked up his pace. He wondered why they hadn’t stayed at Cam’s place the night before, it was so much closer to the studio.
On his ride to the studio, he recalled the night before. They had gone out to dinner and to a club where they met up with some friends. Cameron took it upon himself to invite them back to Ryan’s, which was fine except he didn’t know two of the guys. They were friends of friends. Yes, he had hung out with them and danced at the club, but that wasn’t enough to make him comfortable with having strangers at his place. It was all good though, at first at least. At the club, Ryan had used poppers and taken E; he got it from his usual source but with the way he was feeling right now he wasn’t so sure that that was what it had been. He was feeling no pain and they were having a great time. Then one of the guys he didn’t know and couldn’t remember the name of, starting suggesting that he stay with Cameron and Ryan for the night, making it clear that he wanted to be between them. Ryan was not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but he wasn’t into it. It wasn’t so much the idea of a third, it was more that the guy did nothing for him. He had gotten the impression though that Cameron wanted to do it more than he was willing to admit. He made a mental note to address that later. He wouldn’t be mad if that was how Cameron felt, but it would definitely be a discussion. The closest Ryan had ever come to a threesome was having sex in the same room at the same time as some of his other friends in high school. Lights off, of course.
When Ryan finally got to the studio he didn’t miss the perturbed glares he got as he flew by and into the bathroom to change. He made quick work of changing into a pair of compression shorts and changing his loose fitting tank for one much more form fitting. He felt groggy and a little off, most likely thanks to that whatever it was pill that he had taken the night before. He ran his fingers through his hair in the mirror then went to put his bag away. While walking over to the door he paused, dropping the bag he made sure that the door was locked. Opening his bag, he pulled out a small zippered pouch, pulling out a small plastic bag and a rolled up dollar bill. He haphazardly shook some of the white powder out onto the counter top and leaned over to inhale it, dragging the makeshift tube across the counter until all that remained was tiny remnants, barely visible. Taking his finger tip, Ryan scooped them up and rubbed the finger across his gums. Ryan dropped the bill and threw his head back, rubbing at his nose that was already becoming numb and sniffling as the rush of relief and euphoria began to tingle beneath his skin. A bitter taste was prevalent in the back of his throat, warmth spreading through his chest and then through all of his extremities. Thoughts that he was having moments ago, any and all, began to dissipate. Ryan began to hop in place and shake out his hands. Looking forward into the mirror he smiled at himself. He felt better already. That was all he needed, a small pick me up, no big deal. He might be late but he was going to go out there and kill it. With renewed confidence, Ryan put his things back in his bag, unlocked the door and walked out.
Twenty minutes later Ryan was in the middle of doing a slack drop; measuring out a length of fabric so he could then fall that distance. However, now he was hanging upside down and his head was swimming a bit. He lost his grip several times but recovered. He was low to the ground, so he wasn’t worried about falling. When he finished measuring out the length he released his hold. He felt a little funky though, and knew he was sliding down the silk more than he should be. He reacted, twisting his body in a panic that wasn’t typical of him. He twisted himself trying to catch the fabric with his leg, turning hard to the right. He could feel the stretch and burn in his knee immediately. The pain was intense and his leg felt loose. He growled through clenched teeth and began to fall to the floor.
This was not good.
~~~~~
It had been about six weeks since the show and Henry had thought of Ryan pretty much every day. He was at a loss. Ryan stirred up so many emotions and desires that Henry had tried very hard to bury. But they had a tendency to resurface when he didn’t keep himself in check. When he drank too much or was in a particularly happy place in life. When he forgot about the problems he’d brought on with his careless actions.
Henry was sitting at the coffee shop down the street from his apartment waiting for Jackie, who was fifteen minutes late. The fact that he had to sit here alone when he would much rather have been at Dunkin Donuts was ticking him off. He was almost finished with his coffee when she arrived.
“You didn’t order me a coffee?” Jackie pouted, no hello first.
“No, I did not, and it’s a good thing I didn’t, considering you’re late.”
“It’s not my fault Henry, I was getting my hair done, and your sister was running a little late. Are you still going to hold it against me?”
“You couldn’t call me or text me?”
“Relax, sheesh. I was talking to your mom, I was distracted. She was asking about us.”
“Was she?” Henry had heard this before. Jackie thought because she was his sister-in-law’s cousin and friends with his younger sister Julie, that their relationship was something that it wasn’t. Something that it would never be.
“Yes, go get me a venti caramel latte with skim milk, and then I’ll tell you what she said.” She waved her hand at him in a shooing motion.
Henry went to fetch her drink, feeling like an errand boy. While standing in line, his mind started to wander to thoughts of Ryan, again. He found himself smiling until he got to the front of the line and had to order the latte. His smile fell.
He hated feeling like this. Like Jackie sucked any semblance of happiness out of his day. He also hated feeling like he was using her, which he was to an extent. He felt like he owed her a real relationship but if she only knew about him and things he really wanted…
Jackie was already talking to him about his mother’s supposed inquiry into their relationship before he even sat back down.
“Henry, are you listening to me?” She asked, snapping her fingers in his face.
“Huh? Sorry.” He hadn’t even realized that he zoned out on her, again, this time too preoccupied to absorb any of what she had just said.
“I said, what do you think? Should we talk about moving in together? I mean it has been a year now. Everyone is waiting for us to move forward.”
“Who is everyone?” Henry asked her with a grimace.
“Just everyone. My family, yours. It would make your dad really happy you know.” Jackie lowered her head and put her hands in her lap. Like she immediately knew that she had crossed a line.
“Seriously, Jackie, seriously?” Henry scoffed and shook his head, rubbing a hand down his face. “That was a low blow. Listen I need some time to think about…well everything, I guess. Don’t call me. I’ll call you, maybe.” That last word came out as barely a whisper.
With that, Henry got up from the table and walked away. He didn’t look back. He was sure Jackie already had her phone out texting someone about what he had done.
Henry put his phone on silent and spent the rest of the day running his errands on his own. He hit the gym before anything. It was exactly what he needed. To work off the tension that Jackie had caused in him. He couldn’t remember being that angry at her in a long time, if ever. He tried to stay out as late as possible, not wanting to find out if anyone was waiting on his doorstep ready to cuss him out.
When he finally went home, having no choice because he had groceries, no one was there. Henry went up and put everything away and showered. The plan for the night had changed. He was going to eat a sub, drink a six pack and watch a game. Had he been with Jackie, they would probably be at his brother’s house right now. Patrick was Henry’s older brother and Tara, his wife of less than a year, was Jackie’s cousin.
Not that Henry didn’t love his brother and sister-in-law, he did, but Jackie’s motives for going were purely self-serving. She was gunning for a ring, and it was never going to happen. He knew she believed that if they spent all of their time together with his family, surely they would convince him. Oh, and kiss his mother’s ass, which she did well. Thankfully, his mother saw right through that.
Henry reflected on the time he had spent with Jackie while he ate. He really did feel bad for leading her on. But in the beginning she had been sweet, and if he wasn’t going to have what he really wanted, if he even knew what that was, he figured he would settle. It was a horrible decision, but he thought it would make his family happy and that was what mattered most. But there was always a part of him that held steady and didn’t give in. He wanted to do right by his family, not cause any more turmoil. They may not have known that it was him that had torn their world apart, but he could still repent for his wrong doing. However, there was a part of him that he still couldn’t give over, no matter how hard he tried. So he could date Jackie to please them, but to move in with her, or God forbid, marry her, was more than he was capable of sacrificing.
Only a few months into the relationship did Jackie truly show her ugly side. She had a piss poor attitude and treated Henry like they had been together for years and he was put on this earth to please her. He wondered what had been the catalyst for his sudden bravado. Probably mentioning his father; if nothing else, that was enough for him.
The rest of the night was uneventful. There were several missed calls and texts that he chose to ignore. He finished eating, drank an entire six pack and went to bed. The rest of the drama could wait until tomorrow. He had no doubt that it would still be there, it always was.