Authors: Lisa Wilde
W
HEN RYAN met Cameron at South Station Tuesday afternoon, he had mixed emotions. While he was happy to see him, he also felt slightly agitated to have him there and that made him feel guilty. He smiled despite himself and hugged Cameron. Neither of them held the hug long and Ryan was okay with that. They began to walk. He expected Cameron to ask about the not quite dinner date he’d had with Henry, but he didn’t. That annoyed him, almost as much as the fact that when he asked him if he was cool with it, he practically seemed un-fazed. Ryan hadn’t been expecting him to fly into a jealous rage, but something more than, “I don’t care.”
“How was the ride?” Ryan asked.
“Okay.”
“Hungry? We can stop before going back to my place.” Ryan said looking straight ahead.
“Nah, maybe we can just order something in.”
Ryan just nodded. They both made several attempts at small talk but it was awkward. Their relationship had been strained since he came back to Boston. He knew in his heart that it was ending but he was going to see where the day went. As they walked in silence, Ryan found his thoughts drifting to Henry. He even caught himself smiling and had to make a concerted effort to wipe the smile from his face.
Two hours later Ryan was coming out of the bathroom from taking a shower. Cameron was sitting on the sofa pulling on his shoes.
“Are you going somewhere?” Ryan asked. He assumed that Cameron had every intention of staying the night.
“Well…” Cameron turned his head toward the windows, clearly trying not to meet Ryan’s eyes.
“Are you fucking kidding me? It took you longer to ride up here.” Ryan said with agitation clear in his voice. He stood there holding a towel around his waist, hair dripping, and waiting for a response. “Hello!” He practically shouted.
“Ryan, calm down and sit so we can talk.”
“No, fuck that. Say your piece.” The agitation in Ryan’s voice rose. He knew what was coming. It was just completely fucked. It was starting to look like Cameron had planned this whole trip out. He had been awfully fidgety since Ryan met him at the station. Then they came back to the loft, ate and had sex, now he wanted to “talk”.
Cameron sat back and looked up at him. “I think you know.”
“Know what?” Ryan wasn’t letting him get off that easy.
“Ry, this is too hard. You being here while I’m in New York, I have no idea when you’re coming back, if you’re coming back.”
“Of course I’m coming back. We talked about this before I left. Now it’s a problem? Why the fuck didn’t you do this when I was still in New York?”
“Because I wanted to try. In theory, it sounded doable.”
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit to you too, Ryan, you knew how this was going to play out. Why didn’t you fucking say something while you were still in New York? Are you honestly telling me you had no doubts about us being apart this long?”
Ryan didn’t respond.
“Exactly, so don’t give me shit.”
Ryan walked over and sat next to Cameron. “I guess we both knew and were just to chicken shit to say so.”
“Yeah well, we were good together. Who wants to give that up?”
Ryan just nodded and smiled at him.
“I still want to talk to you and maybe when you come back, who knows?”
“Yeah, who knows?” Ryan muttered and when those words left his mouth, Henry popped into the forefront of his mind.
Who knows?
That night after he had taken Cameron back to the station, Ryan lay in bed smoking a joint. He had popped a few Ativan to help him sleep, so far no luck. Usually after a break up, you would just replay all the good times and maybe even the bad that you had with that person. All of the what-ifs? But Ryan found his what-ifs were centered around Henry. He imagined what would have happened if Frankie hadn’t walked in, or if Ryan had tried harder to make Henry stay, or maybe gone looking for him as he had considered doing way back then. He wouldn’t have dreamed that he would ever see him again, or that Henry would want to see him again. He had been so spooked that night. That thought made Ryan smile, not that he thought it was funny. But if Henry had known how much more he wanted him after that. It was strange because Ryan usually went for guys as assertive, if not more than he was, but Henry was different.
When he got that message, he felt like an ass because he had a boyfriend; he wouldn’t have cheated but he had been excited at the idea of seeing Henry. He wondered if Henry’s reappearance in his life had had anything to do with how easily he had given in to the breakup. He honestly wasn’t sure now because it had been mutual.
After he finished smoking and turned over starting to drift, his mind went back to Henry what-ifs. What if Henry was assertive now? After all he was the one to contact Ryan. Ryan had felt like maybe there was a more dominant Henry lying just beneath the surface, just waiting to feel safe enough to come out and play. Ryan rolled from his stomach, his preferred sleeping position, to his back. He kicked the sheet off; imagining Henry just taking what he wanted from Ryan had him excruciatingly hard. It wasn’t long before Ryan was spent and falling asleep, dreaming of Henry.
~~~~~
The days following meeting up with Ryan seemed to drag. Henry had his number and wanted to text him. Just to say hi, but he refused. He wanted Ryan to get in touch with him. He already felt like a creepy stalker dude. He had seen the man’s show and gone back the next night to watch again. He had not so accidentally left that little tidbit out of their conversation. Had there been more performances, he probably would have gone to those as well, truth be told. But Ryan didn’t need to know any of that.
The day of the party came, and Henry tried to keep as busy as possible waiting for the time to get ready to come. He had wanted to go to his parents’ house and check on them but seeing his father and then going to Ryan’s didn’t feel right. So Henry decided to call and check on them instead. Pat texted asking what he was up to and rather than tell his brother exactly where he was going, he bent the truth. Henry lied for shit and everyone in his family knew that. He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to lie; this was a perfectly innocent house warming. It wasn’t a big deal to be going to a party but he was already nervous about Pat and what he’d said to Henry last time they were together. He didn’t want to give Pat any rope to hang him with, so he messaged Pat that he was meeting up with some co-workers for a birthday party and left it at that.
He started to get ready about six o’clock. Ryan said that people were going to start showing up around eight. Henry showered and shaved. Combing his hair in the mirror, he wondered if he should have gotten a haircut. His mother was always on his case about being
shaggy
and how it looked un-professional, but he didn’t mind the loose curls that hung right at the top of his ears.
Henry went to his room to look for something to wear. He usually didn’t stress over his clothes too much. However, tonight he was taking a little more time to consider his options. He tried on a few shirts before finally settling on a black V-neck tee and some dark wash jeans. He wanted to be comfortable but look good too. Henry went over to the dresser to find the cologne that he’d bought himself a few days ago. He had one in the bathroom that Jackie bought him. He hated it, but when he was with her, he wore it so that he wouldn’t hurt her feelings. He wasn’t big on cologne. Only for special occasions really, tonight was one such occasion, he thought. He was being ridiculous, he mused, as he put on the cologne and looked himself over one more time.
Ryan has a boyfriend, he reminded himself.
Not only that, he knew damn well he wasn’t going to do anything. He knew better, well he liked to tell himself that he did anyway. Henry went to the kitchen to grab his wallet and cell phone. When he picked it up, it said he had a new message. He assumed it was Pat again, but when he opened it, he was surprised to see Ryan’s name.
~~~~~
Ryan was transferring beers from the box to the fridge. A few of his friends were already there and helping him get ready; putting out food, cups and running to the corner store to grab ice. Ryan was looking forward to the night, more so now that Henry was coming. He would have never imagined the way this was all turning out. Ryan was surprised enough when Henry had messaged him. But when he saw him...
have mercy
. The man was more beautiful than he had remembered. He definitely still seemed timid, but Henry had contacted him, so who knew? His week hadn’t been that great and he was hoping that tonight would be the pick me up he so desperately needed. He thought about Henry some more while he finished stocking the refrigerator. When he was finished, he pulled his cigarettes out from his back pocket and lit one up. He was leaning against the counter smoking listening to two of his friends talk about who they could expect to see at the party when Ryan decided to text Henry.
Ryan:
Hey Henry hope u r still planning to come by 2nite.
Henry:
Yep, I was just getting ready to leave. U sure I can’t bring anything?
Ryan:
Nope just you
Ryan:
And a guest if u want
Please say you’re coming alone.
Henry:
No guest just me
YESSSSSSSS!
Ryan:
;-) c u soon
Ryan pulled his lips in and behind his teeth trying to fight off a smile. He really was acting like a teenager with his first crush. He couldn’t help himself. In his mind he crooned
Henry’s coming to my party, Henry’s coming to my party.
Maybe they could play spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven. Of course he would have to rig any game they played to assure himself of getting in a lip lock or alone in his closet. Ryan laughed at the idea. Pocketing his phone and putting out his butt, he grabbed a beer from the fridge he had just finished filling and went to take a shower and change.
~~~~~
Henry decided to bring something to the party anyway. He stopped at the liquor store and grabbed some Heinekens, a bottle of white wine, and a bottle of Patrón. When he got to Ryan’s building, he had to put the bags down to find Ryan’s name on the wall of door bells. After finding it, he had to ring it several times. Henry looked up and around to see if there was a camera and if Ryan could see him standing out there. Finally, after one more ring, someone buzzed him in. The elevator was one of those really old ones that you had to pull the door up and down by a thick rope attached to the bottom. It looked safe enough but definitely old school. When Henry stepped in, he noticed how big the space was. You could very easily slide a baby grand in there.
As the elevator climbed, the sounds of music and disembodied voices laughing and chattering got louder. The elevator stopped, and Henry got off and walked toward the door that was wide open. He walked through clutching his bag of alcohol. Henry could see a few dozen people scattered around the loft. He tilted his head up to scan the crowd and see if he could spot Ryan. While he was looking over the room, something caught Henry’s eye. In the living room area, hanging from a thick metal beam in the ceiling were lengths of blue silk. It looked as if someone had tossed them over the rafter several times. Despite that, they still hung low. Some of the taller people in the room could easily reach up and touch them. They reminded Henry of the show and what Ryan had looked like in them.
The loft had at least twelve foot high ceilings. Henry couldn’t see beyond the kitchen, but there had to be no less than a thousand square feet of space. There was no upstairs; it was a pretty open floor plan. The entire space had industrial-size windows every few feet, exposed brick and piping from the ceiling. It was all hardwood floors. The living room had some giant throw pillows in vibrant colors lying in a pile under the silks. None of the windows were covered. There was a brown sofa, coffee table, two side tables and that same recliner; he remembered that chair well. It surprised him to see it here. This place was so contemporary and there sat a relic from Ryan’s college years and who knew how old it had been back then. To Henry’s right was the bathroom. To the left was a kitchen area. There was no table, just an island with two bar stools in front of it. The kitchen had all stainless steel appliances; beyond the kitchen was an open doorway, he assumed that was where Ryan’s bedroom was. The place was incredible and couldn’t have been cheap given the neighborhood. Did he really make that much money performing in that show? Just then someone behind him squeezed his shoulder. Henry jumped and turned to see Ryan standing behind him.
“Hey man, I’m glad you made it! What’s this?” Ryan asked pointing to the bag Henry was still holding.
“Yeah, thanks. Here,” Henry pushed the bag in Ryan’s direction, “I know you said not to, but I just grabbed a few things on the way. No biggie.” Henry rubbed his palms on his thighs when Ryan took the bag from him. He noticed the tongue ring when Ryan spoke to him, it was a different color, red and white, it looked like it had words, but he couldn’t make them out and he wasn’t about to ask.
Setting the bag on the floor in between them, Ryan reached in and grabbed a bottle, stood up and waved it in front of Henry. “Heinekens, huh? Damn, I haven’t had one of these in a while. Thanks. You didn’t have to, but thanks.” Ryan held the beer in one hand and picked up the bag with the other. “Come on, let’s put this away, and I’ll introduce you to some people.”